My Mother just talks at me and never listens!

[rainbowbug88]

My mother is in her 60s and no longer works. We had a rocky relationship when I was in my teens but after I left home at 19 we do get on well. She was a good mother and I do love her and enjoy seeing her but she has so little interest in me.

She does call me up but after a quick hello she launches into a monolog about her life, what she has done, what she's watching on tv, often in minute detail. She will give me a run down of all the various things that has upset or annoyed her often repeated herself several times over the course of various phone calls.
If she does ask about me myself or my family unless I launch into a monolog myself she just starts talking again right after I say fine and if I do try to say anything she will often say how she's busy and that she has to go (with the implication being that I have been keeping her back).

Basically its fine, I don't think she will change and its pointless arguing over but it feels like a bit of a superficial relationship. She lives with her new husband and they are pretty much happy. I think she was always a bit like this, more interested in my when I was more her's as a child and now in my sister who is a lot more similer to her than I am. It has probably got a bit more noticable as she has got older, especially the repeating things.

Anyone elses mum like this?

Self centredness? Loads of people are like this.

A mum at school, I now try not to get caught by her.

My MIL is exactly the same! I avoid picking up the phone when she rings (she is the only one that calls our house phone, all my family call my mobile) and I can be stuck on the phone for an hour. DH also says it’s draining talking to her. She doesn’t care about anyone else but herself and is only interested in you if it serves a purpose for her. I think she is has NPD and zero empathy, thankfully we don’t see her often but she is quite a toxic person and DH suffers from FOG so no hope of going NC.

So many of these posts are just like the things my mum does. I’m so glad I am not alone.

My mum is like this. She's been a good mum, she's my biggest fan and adores me, she's funny and sweet, but it's like she tips her skis off the edge and off she goes down the slope, there's no stopping her.
She's always been chatty, she used to spend literally hours on the phone with her own mother, frequently we'd get lost in the car because the two of them would be chatting and miss a turning.
Like Greebo's mum she's been single for years and I suspect she's got used to the unbroken sound of her own thoughts so it all pours out. She can control it though, she doesn't do it to everyone. She seems to lack the vocabulary for ending a thought, they all drift into one another. God forbid we run into anyone she knows in the street who might be too polite to end the conversation, we'll be there forever.
We had a number of years when her hearing began to go and she didn't think she needed a hearing aid, when I think she lost the sense of give and take in a conversation in part because she couldn't hear you speaking so felt free to carry on. It can be exhausting and sometimes it can make me feel a bit hostile.
There have been times when it has been hurtful, like when I rang to say my dog had died and I couldn't get a word in to tell her, then when I finally got it out she banged on and on about how bonded she was with my dog
She has tons of friends though, and people seem to love her.

Just out of interest, how many of us on this thread are only children? (I am). I found I got the full force of mum’s need to offload as she had no one else in whom to confide. As pp have said, women of a certain generation just seemed to lose their adult friendships.

I could put the phone down for 20 minutes go back and she would still be going.

@Craftycorvid

Just out of interest, how many of us on this thread are only children? (I am). I found I got the full force of mum’s need to offload as she had no one else in whom to confide. As pp have said, women of a certain generation just seemed to lose their adult friendships.

Im one of four. Im the only one who gets the offloading dramatic crying phone calls about how nobody understands or listens to her, then she will hang up before ive said a sentence. She Daren't do it My sister as she will ignore her for weeks. And the other two have penises so can’t possibly have any expectations placed on them.

We call those the 'back to me'sentences in our house

Only child here. It must be worse when you have to have the full brunt of it.

Idon't understand how she listens to anyone else long enough to get all this minute detail but can't show an interest in me or DHs news for more than about 5 seconds.

My DMs 'back to me' sentence is ''oh never mind''.

So i'll say ''DH is having to deal with x, y z and ... '' ''OH Never Mind. Did i tell you about Bert round the corners bunion operation? WELL - last February, or was it the end of January he rang the surgery and they answered the phone and he said and she said and he said and she said ..... blabla bla bla bla bla''

I think what worries me is that I’ll eventually turn out like this

Talking at people but not with exciting stories but monologues about how many washes they’ve done that day. My dad isn’t like this - he’s funny and entertaining on the phone.

It’s just depressing.

I see you've met my MIL (actually both PIL do this). Rather than a 2 way conversation time with PIL feels like primary school children clamoring to tell you about their day or show you their artwork. They'll start a topic, I'll respond but they are already talking over me to tell me the next thing! Its awkward and infuriating. They have no insight into it either and talk about how sociable they both are and how many friends they have (they really dont). I try to make time with them short and week so they can info dump but not for too long. Its awful for my MH to spend too long with them as I come away so drained.

It's like a Beckett play. He nailed it. My mother has become like that. To cope I see it as benign communication, that my full attention isn't needed.

I have a pretty good relationship with my mother but there is def elements of this with her. I often get mass detail on the trials of her friends childrens lives but very brief conversations about us !

My MIL monologues at the children. DH is always yelling at her to pause for breath and let them actually respond to her, but it’s like she isn’t interested in having them talk back.

Last time we saw them it went a bit like this:

MIL: I bought a watermelon we can have later. Do you like watermelon [grandson]? ... Yes, you do don’t you? Well, we’ll cut it later”

Grandson hadn’t even registered that he was being spoken to, it was just background noise

I think the poster who said it was like people lose the ability to have conversations is true. MIL doesn’t live alone, but her and FIL have the most dysfunction marriage and don’t really speak to each other, so I can see why both tend to monologue and yell over each other.

My mother is like this. She's so bad, she actually interrupts herself mid-sentence sometimes!😂

On phone now to mine. Asks the very occasional question but won't stop talking long enough to hear my answer 😂 I am mumsnetting and amazoning...

It's like a Beckett play.

This.

I did find a work-around to impart information about our lives to my mum.

She won’t listen at all if I try to tell her something, but she loves getting photos of the grandkids, so I have taken to staging photos such that she has to ask about the context (“yes mum, we did go on holiday”, “yes, it’s called paddleboarding” etc)

I've found my people, my mum is like this but I've been at hers since March due to lockdown and her poor mobility problems - so I've noticed it more than evet, she's driving me insane. Everything is about her, not how am I feeling (depressed stressed and anxious from feeling trapped here)
She used to say my dad didn't listen to her, I now know why. She doesn't shut up.
Due to her mobility she speaks to friends on the phone but she's selfish, she doesn't keep in touch with them she waits for them to call. I might suggest giving a x or y a call but she's too busy just doing a puzzle sat on her arse expecting me to fetch and carry
I just want to go back home
God that was cathartic 🙈

My mum is like this, always has been (which gives me hope I won’t turn into her!). She was a single part, and I’ve often wondered if it started when she just had kids to talk to (who aren’t great conversationalists!). But who knows - I don’t really have contact with my dad to ask, and there’s no one else who knew her as a younger person.

She talks and talks and has no interest in anyone else. On the rare occasion she asks a question, it is always a ruse to start talking about her own experience again. It is exhausting and makes me limit the time I spend with her.

Worst thing is, she knows she does it but doesn’t have the necessary desire to change!

I thought it was just me this happened to with my DM as my friends all seem to have great and close relationship s with their DMs and when I'm around their DMs , I can have a two way conversation with them. My MIL is far better than my own DM at being able to listen.

My DM has always been self absorbed but since my dad died it's got worse. My DM has never been emotionally there for me and I've just got to the point now where I just switch off when she's rambling on and I don't tell her anything. But I can snap at times and I feel so blooming guilty. It's a shame we just don't have the close relationship I have always wanted but it will never happen now, she won't change she's too old now. It's a shame as all my siblings feel the same way and none of us are particularly close to her. I only phone once a week now and the phone is out on speaker phone where I either read my mobile or a book and occasionally say yes whilst she's rambling on. I find that helps me cope better with the rambling on just switching off myself!

Conversations with my mother bring to mind a quote from Frasier: Copernicus called, and you are not the centre of the universe!

My mum is also like this. She has never once asked me how I am or how my dad has been, what’s going with my life or my job because she has absolutely no interest in anyone bar herself. She has no hobbies and few friends outside the family.

She’s always been a bit like this but has definitely got worse as she’s got older, and I’m dreading what she’ll be like at 80 because she’s bad enough now (mid 60’s).

She's a hypochondriac, but also a hypochondriac by proxy and is OBSESSED with other people's health problems, almost to a gleeful extent, the more serious the better. She regales me with the health problems of everyone she knows, no matter how tenuous and it's SO boring.

Add to this telling people not to take medications or listen to doctors and consultants because of her belief in The Big Pharma conspiracy and haranguing people to stop taking life-saving Meds and you've got my mum!