DD starting to get upset about her own pickiness with food.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Dd has been "particular" about food since she was about 3. We did the whole Baby Led Weaning and she was great. Then she hit 3 and everything changed.

She is now 8 (almost 9). And I use the word particular rather than picky/fussy as actually, she eats really well.

She will eat:-
All vegetables (except avocado, mushrooms)
All fruit (except Mango)
Fresh fish
Meat
Staples such as pasta, rice, boiled potatoes etc.
She loves all breakfast items you could imagine.
Dairy- yoghurt, cream, melted cheese.

Where it becomes an issue is that she will not eat anything wet. Or with a sauce. Or mixed (eg she likes chicken, she likes rice, she doesnt like paella type dishes) Simple?

No pizza. No Bolognese. No pesto. No gravy. No pies. No (even mild) curry. Her rice and pasta is plain. No seasoning on anything.

She twists at the mere suggestion of anything new. When a plate is put in front of her, her automatic reaction is to twist her face and grimace if there is an item on there that she may not like. That she hasn't tried.

I always keep it light. "Eat what you like, leave what you don't, but you can't say you don't like it if you don't try it". We praise the good and ignore the bad. We chat about other things at mealtime. We get her cooking. She loves to cook. She won't try what she has made.

We do picky plates and us and the kids just tuck into whatever we like from the table. We make sure her meals are filling and healthy and amend what we can. We always offer some of the stuff she doesn't like / hasn't tried.

An example, when we do Bolognese, she would happily have spaghetti and parmesan alone, but I then do a dollop of Bolognese mixed with pasta on the side and expect her to taste it.

More recently she is becoming upset about this. We've talked and she says she feels left out. She feels sad that she doesn't like these things and we all do. She cried the other day because she feels left out. We've explained that we aren't always just going to eat (eg) plain ham sandwiches and cherry tomatoes for lunch every day but that we also want other foods. And we are firm on that with her. I honestly think we have struck a good balance between accommodating and keeping firm.

I want to help her. I don't want twisting when the plate goes in front of her. I want a thank you. I want her to enjoy meals. Food is fuel to her. Plain food. Fresh, yes. Healthy, yes. But plain. And she feels like it's separating her from the family.

What the actual fuck do I do next?

Ah shit that was long.

Sorry.

Does she have any other differences or difficulties in her life, would you say ?

Hmm....

She is fidgety and talkative. She has a lot of energy. Always happy on long walks/bike rides. Happy to race around the park.

She is sociable but over the last year or so the talking has increased tenfold. We are working with her on winnowing down her stories and explanations so that listeners stay engaged.

She has a fabulous imagination and is an avid reader.

She is wise and clever. She has a fantastic memory. But she lacks confidence when tackling a piece of work but then once she realises she can do it she gets a proper "rush" from it.

I don't know if any of the above are issues,but they are the most prominent aspects of her personality.

Sorry, I meant to add. She has no other aspects of her life that she is picky about. She doesn't get bothered by textures, routines, noises, crowds, being alone. She isn't needy in any other way.

Does she have friends at school , get invited to parties ( in usual times ! ) etc, are the teachers happy with her behaviour/progress ?

Yes. She is well liked, generally. Her reports are positive. She is a lefty so her handwriting is generally commented on, and she is a chair swinger, so that gets managed by the teacher.

Yes she gets invited to parties. When she and her classmates meet in the morning they hug and play together (pre covid obvs).

I’ve a nine year old who has very definite tastes - she often laments that she wishes she could eat popular things like sandwiches and pizza. But like yours, she does eat healthily. I don’t know what the answer is, I wish I could help. I don’t force her to try anything she doesn’t like - there’s a very strong history of EDs in the family so try to stay relaxed about it.

I think you are doing great.

Have you tried getting her to cook with you?

Other than that I think you just keep going.
She can't dictate what the rest of the house eats, it's her choice if you joins in or not.

Yes she cooks. She enjoys cooking. She is able to take a recipe and follow it all with minimal supervision. She is a bit clumsy so needs reminding to (eg) hold the pan handle, or tuck her fingers in when chopping. But she does it. And I watch her carefully.

We thank her lots when we eat food she has made. Even if she helps me make a dinner just for me and her dad (anniversary and kids going to bed) - we thank her for a delicious dinner in the morning.

Honestly she eats loads more variety than other kids. As long as you can keep it separate and serve family style I don't see the issue. Eg I love gravy. I couldn't have an element of food touching my gravy on the plate. I like a bowl to dip into. Personal preference.

I really don’t see what else you can do, she certainly seems to eat a varied diet.
I wonder why she is upset. Is she feeling under pressure at home to eat differently to what she likes, or are children at school mentioning it ?
Can she not just eat what she wants and see if she’s less upset ?

No advice but following as I have a younger DC who clearly got the same food instructions- no sauces/anything wet and twitchy about anything unfamiliar (albeit not bothered by this at all himself). Would love to hear about kids who’ve expanded their repertoire!

Hi OP. well. I think you both sound wonderful! Beautiful parenting philosophy and I love how poetically you describe your girl!

That said, her eating habits closely resembles my own (I’m better now, but even as an adult I’m only just now as adventurous as your daughter is now) look into sensory processing disorder. I think it often goes hand in hand with ADS but not always.
It’s not necessarily a negative that she is upset, sometimes with frustration comes change.
Good luck!

Could you encourage more mixing of foods, but on her fork/spoon rather than on her plate?

She eats really well, honestly id give her the food in the way she will eat it, and completely and totally leave it.

I've got a very picky 13yo. For him it's about texture. He doesn't like wet food, sauces, juice or wet fruits. I don't make him eat them, why would I?

Your daughter has a great range of foods that she eats, not wanting bolognaise or gravy isn't a big deal.

Mine wouldn't eat more than about 10 different foods at that age. Leave it, seriously. You're going to make her feel really bad about food and that's really not going to help.

I will certainly look into sensory processing disorder. She definetly needs the "feedback" from the chair swinging/ twitching her toes/ rolling round on the floor etc.

She sounds lovely. I would just carry on doing what you're doing. Dd was a bit like this - wanting everything seperate or 'plain' etc but she has got better in the last couple of years. Now 12.

My dh's best friend wouldn't eat 'wet' food until he was well into his twenties. It doesn't seem to have done him any particular harm though.

If you serve everything up separately for people to help themselves what's the problem with her having the bits she likes? Why does she want to be the same as everyone else? Would it help if you served various things that people don't like ie you don't like broccoli, her siblings don't like swede and she doesn't like gravy - noone has everything on their plate, everyone just has the bits they like?

I don't like trying new food. At her age I pretty much only ate chicken, gravy and mashed potato. I very much enjoy food but I like it bland, I see no reason to ruin it with spices or dressings. If other people want to cover their salad in balsamic vinegar, good luck to them!

Leave it, seriously. You're going to make her feel really bad about food and that's really not going to help

This is so far from how I would want this to go. I am mindful not to make an issue, but can do more. I will certainly work on this.

I do want to reinforce simple manners - I want a thank you when I put a plate in front of her. And I don't want negative criticism if every item on the plate. But I will continue with the eat what you want/leave what you want method

I just want for her not to be upset about it. I don't think we force anything aside from saying she needs to taste somethi g before she can say she doesn't like it.

what's the problem with her having the bits she likes? Why does she want to be the same as everyone else

I have no problem with her just eating the bits she likes. That's why we do it this way. She gets upset that everyone else around the table is eating everything and she is only "able" to eat 1/2 - 3/4 of the things.

As a child, many moons ago, I could not bear what I called 'wet food '.
No milk on cereal, baked beans not allowed to even touch the toast etc. You are offering a wide range of healthy food so without minimising the situation, sometimes it really is personal taste.
I grew out of it eventually but still have a dislike of wet/soggy textures.

My DD2 hated wet food too when she was that age. She too just ate the bits she liked. She is 22 now and eats everything but it took a while for her to stop being so fussy.

I just want to ease her upset. She feels left out. We certainly don't do anything to make her feel that way.

The rest of us have foods we hate (me mushrooms, ds raw tomatoes, dh soups) and we are quite open about our dislikes and reinforce that it is ok to dislike certain foods.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I will certainly look into sensory processing disorder. She definetly needs the "feedback" from the chair swinging/ twitching her toes/ rolling round on the floor etc.

I’d recommend “The out of sync child” as a really good intro to sensory processing- you can usually pick it up secondhand on amazon for a reasonable price.

My DS was like this for a very long time. Are pretty much everything in its ‘natural’ state...but no sauces and, bizarrely, no sandwiches- would eat a piece of bread and a piece of cheese off a plate....but would completely refuse them in a sandwich!
I would say we tolerated it, and eventually became the norm. And then aged 13 he started asking to try things we were eating. And now, aged 16, he eats literally anything! I had forgotten until last week how ‘particular’ he was- until a friend we haven’t seen for a few years commented on him wolfing down a chicken casserole with mash and veg!