DD starting to get upset about her own pickiness with food.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Dd has been "particular" about food since she was about 3. We did the whole Baby Led Weaning and she was great. Then she hit 3 and everything changed.

She is now 8 (almost 9). And I use the word particular rather than picky/fussy as actually, she eats really well.

She will eat:-
All vegetables (except avocado, mushrooms)
All fruit (except Mango)
Fresh fish
Meat
Staples such as pasta, rice, boiled potatoes etc.
She loves all breakfast items you could imagine.
Dairy- yoghurt, cream, melted cheese.

Where it becomes an issue is that she will not eat anything wet. Or with a sauce. Or mixed (eg she likes chicken, she likes rice, she doesnt like paella type dishes) Simple?

No pizza. No Bolognese. No pesto. No gravy. No pies. No (even mild) curry. Her rice and pasta is plain. No seasoning on anything.

She twists at the mere suggestion of anything new. When a plate is put in front of her, her automatic reaction is to twist her face and grimace if there is an item on there that she may not like. That she hasn't tried.

I always keep it light. "Eat what you like, leave what you don't, but you can't say you don't like it if you don't try it". We praise the good and ignore the bad. We chat about other things at mealtime. We get her cooking. She loves to cook. She won't try what she has made.

We do picky plates and us and the kids just tuck into whatever we like from the table. We make sure her meals are filling and healthy and amend what we can. We always offer some of the stuff she doesn't like / hasn't tried.

An example, when we do Bolognese, she would happily have spaghetti and parmesan alone, but I then do a dollop of Bolognese mixed with pasta on the side and expect her to taste it.

More recently she is becoming upset about this. We've talked and she says she feels left out. She feels sad that she doesn't like these things and we all do. She cried the other day because she feels left out. We've explained that we aren't always just going to eat (eg) plain ham sandwiches and cherry tomatoes for lunch every day but that we also want other foods. And we are firm on that with her. I honestly think we have struck a good balance between accommodating and keeping firm.

I want to help her. I don't want twisting when the plate goes in front of her. I want a thank you. I want her to enjoy meals. Food is fuel to her. Plain food. Fresh, yes. Healthy, yes. But plain. And she feels like it's separating her from the family.

What the actual fuck do I do next?

Sorry, I didn't want to come across as preachy or anything. I just know what I did wrong and it's so easy to go down that route. My eldest is so bad with food now because I insisted on putting food in front of him that I knew he just wasn't going to eat

As someone that's been there with what sounds like similar issues, give her the food she'll eat, but make it clear she's always welcome to help herself to anything else she wants on the table. if she decided to try it. Stop putting it on her plate.

It sounds like it's becoming a proper issue, and she's getting older and starting to be upset by it. Try resetting your view on it.

Expecting a thank you for dinner is fine, that's a separate thing though.

Have a proper chat with her about it and ask her how she wants to deal with it. If you give her a bit more control over the situation she might suprise you.

Oh, no I didn't read it that way at all. Everyone is posting very helpful point and being very very supportive.

Xpost, maybe I've misunderstood?

If she's getting upset but you're just offering, there's not much else you can do, except what I said about having a good talk and seeing of she's got any ideas about how she wants to deal with it

I think you sound very balanced and I pressured about this and that your daughter is a good eater in many ways.

I can understand that she might feel left out, but equally I don't think that you should all eat separate plain food to pacify her and I think your approach is right. Obviously ensure that her dinner is what she likes and she has enough elements for her, but you don't all have to eat the same.

Could you explain to her that, alongside the fact that it isn't fair to you to give up everything you like because she doesn't like it and that you make a special effort to ensure she has something she likes (which it sounds like you do and explain a lot), the foods that you cook are all ones that, when she is more grown up and gets to go out to eat at restaurants on her own with her friends, she will see other people eating, so even if she doesn't like them and won't eat them herself (which is fine, she can have preferences!), she does have to get used to other people around her liking and eating things that she doesn't. Then it isn't just about her family excluding her.

Sorry unpressured

One of the things I've been talking to my kids about quite a lot recently is the texture of food as well as the tastes. My kids all have a varied diet but each of them has their own likes and dislikes, and it's interesting to talk to them about what it is about the specific foods / meals that is and isn't enjoyable to them.

I think you are being really respectful of your daughter and I try and have the same kind of respectful conversations, and I think this makes them more likely to try new things. The texture thing has arisen from this kind of conversation. For example, one of my kids doesn't like mushrooms, and we managed to figure out that the taste is ok (finely chopped and added to things is fine), but the texture is a complete no go for them. But they will keep trying, a few weeks ago I had mushrooms on toast for lunch and they asked to try and bit to see what that tasted like (still didn't like it).

Maybe it's worth having a conversation with her about how different foods feel in her mouth, and what she likes about the foods she has, and then thinking with her a bit about what she dislikes about more 'saucy' foods.

Personally, I realised a few years ago that a huge amount of my own pleasure from different foods was actually about the texture and not really about the taste per se.

I have one who doesn’t like wet food, although she has improved recently at 13. She is currently reducing her meat consumption, she has never been keen, but we have noticed that over the last year she is enjoying spicier food.

Her sister is the queen of beige, actually, that is unfair, she is great with fruit and veg, but likes bland food. We are gradually encouraging her to be more adventurous. She is 9, so not too different in age to your daughter. Mine will always have baked beans In a little dish, her dad does the same with gravy.

I don’t like fish, I will eat white fish, but I don’t enjoy it, I wish I liked it, so i understand how she feels.

What about if you keep giving her the food you know she will eat, but also give her a small amount how everyone else is having the food, separate, but to try.

I can't imagine having to taste either something new or something I don't like at every meal. No wonder she's upset if that's what really happens.

Maybe you could limit your insistence that she tries things to once a week and, if she tries something three times and still doesn't like it, stop forcing it on her.

Sorry if I've misunderstood your OP but it sounds like this is what you're saying you do.

I would deal with this by reassuring your daughter that everyone is different and it's ok not to eat the same so long as you eat well to keep your body healthy. Does she like to dip carrots in humous or chips in ketchup? That's a step towards "wet" food if so.

I don’t have any specific advice but just wanted to share - my brother only ate fish fingers, bread and pureed apple baby food from the ages of about 3 until 12, and from 12-18 maybe 3-5 other foods were introduced such as plain chicken and plain potatoes. He became braver at trying foods once he went to university and now eats 95% normally in his mid twenties. My parents followed a calm approach like you are doing and I just wanted to say - it did work, but only eventually. If she wants to improve that’s a huge part of the battle. Continue to encourage her to try new things and especially “funny texture” stuff ie. sauces but continue to not make a big deal of it either.

My nan was and my son is like your daughter
They eat very healthy However they do not like mixed foods on a plate So for instance for my nan she would have her gravy in a special cup on the side of her plate of food and would dip what she felt needed it. She would never eat anything swamped in gravy or sauce. My son from an early age did not like separate food touching ie beans not to touch meat etc but likes gravy but it has to be thick so it is not all over the plate. He has however recently got into thai food and is adapting. For my self I like the meat on spag bol to be on top of spaghetti and not mixed in and I prefer food not to be mixed I hate the combination of sweet and savory with a passion. I do it with indian and chinese as much as possible too
I hate cereals, milk and milk combination and milk based products such a bread and butter pudding etc They make me sick, However can eat cheese and yogurt all day long and drink loads of tea with a splash of milk Can't eat any offal at all same reaction but ok with other meats if not in lumps. Prefer stews and mince or diced meat.Love all seafood and fish
Not sure how much is what I learnt as a child or if it is my body telling me what I need . I go with the flow now days and so does my son and just enjoy the food in our way. We eat a generally healthy diet love salad and veg. I take a supplement for calcium and vit c and vit d to help. Son did the same and so did my nan who lived to 89. its about enjoying what you like. A fry up for me is ok every two to three months I prefer poached or boiled eggs, toast or fruit and yogurt. if you are healthy and the right weight do not worry. My son never ate a Mc donalds until he was 7 not because I banned them he hated them at 28 he would not go there or to most take away fast food outlets. He however loves subway. Horses for courses

I can't imagine having to taste either something new or something I don't like at every meal

No, I wouldn't say it's every meal. Say we make a cottage pie or a lasagne for the family. I will give her plain pasta, garlic bread, salad, then put a tiny slither of the lasagne on the side of the plate and encourage her to taste it as part of her meal. If she still maintains that she doesn't like it, fine.

We've had some successes with this over time but not loads.

Does she like to dip carrots in humous or chips in ketchup

No, she doesn't like hummus or ketchup.

I would say the closest she will go to "wet" food is scrambled egg. But she prefers it done in the microwave so it's puffy rather than in the pan so it's softer and runnier.

We've had some successes with this over time but not loads.

I think you need to decide what your goal is. Do you want her to expand the range of food she likes or feel happy and relaxed about meals? it sounds like the first is currently making the second impossible.

Could you just give her a break for a while? Children usually make progress by themselves when adults back off and stop pushing them. You may find that, after some time feeling more relaxed around meals, she feels resilient enough to make the choice to try some new things without being pressured by others. It could take a while but that would be my goal.

I would LOVE my DD (6) to eat even half the range of fruit and veg yours does! She too prefers the sauce separate from the pasta and now prefers a plain tomato sauce when previously she's eat a Quorn/mixed veg Bolognese.

She ate a wide range of food at home /nursery but started to be particular after starting school.

I clicked on your thread as she has not been enjoying the school provided packed lunches but confided in me tonight she feels bad that she "doesn't like" more "healthy food" and most of the other kids in her class eat the school lunch and what should she do.

I'm really interested in the replies and advice you have been receiving as I have none to offer.

It sounds like ADHD, OP.

If it is that, my take on it would be that she's starting to get to the point where she's under social pressure to conform to neurotypical standards (keeping a lid on her long monologues so people like her, being told by the teacher to stop fidgeting when it's torture to sit still, having to work ridiculously hard to stick with schoolwork and not lose focus, having to be helped in the kitchen because her spatial awareness and short term memory are sometimes impaired, etc).

It may be that her own divergence is starting to dawn on her and is stressing her out, and the food issue is a poignant and regular reminder of the fact she's different. If it's ADHD, she's probably working incredibly hard just to appear like everyone else, and it can be exhausting!

If you look up the symptoms and think it could be ADHD, OP, I'd advise you to get her referred ASAP before it turns into full-blown anxiety - we've been there (actually still there!) and life would have been so much easier for my DC had they been diagnosed before puberty/secondary school, etc.

You've said she's left handed. Is she being made to use her right hand in any situations when she would rather use her left? This happened to me when I was younger than your daughter and caused me some issues, but no one bloody realised what was going on. Just a thought.

I was like that as a kid, everything had to be dry, no sauce, no gravy, no milky cereal. The texture of anything like that was, the only way I can describe it is repulsive. Like I was being asked to eat a non food item. I simply couldn't get my head round how anyone could eat like that.
The variety of foods she eats is huge! You said she is upset because she can't finish her plate, that she is only 'able' to eat half of it, so why not just give her what she likes? She isn't asking for a plate of crisps or chocolate. When I got older I started trying stuff of my own accord, mostly through social situations.
It won't be an issue if you don't make it one, let her know they way she eats is the way she eats, we're all different and there's nothing wrong with being herself if she's healthy.

You said she is upset because she can't finish her plate, that she is only 'able' to eat half of it

Sorry I mean when we lay food out in the middle family style - she will only select from half (or a little over half) of the options where as we all choose a little of everything.

Neither of my kids are expected or even encouraged to clear their plates. Eat til you are full is very much the way here. If that means you can't finish a plate of food that is completely fine.

Just stick to your approach. Have a couple of meals each week where you all eat what she likes.

DD2 was like this, possibly a bit worse as she didn't really like fruit.

She is now 19 and has been designated the chef in her flat share. She still has her likes and dislikes, but now makes veg lasagne which in the past would have been her nightmare food. She still doesn't like mash though so cottage pie is out!

ARFID?

Just had to Google ARFID and I can absoloutley discount that. The symptoms and indicators are all way more extreme than anything dd is exhibiting.

Honestly @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Your DD eats a fantastic range of foods and seriously I wouldn’t worry at all. I have 3 DC all with different tastes (nightmare to make a meal that suits all) and what works for us is everything in the middle and help yourself. I never make them try a food they’re adamant they don’t want to because I was as a child and it caused me a little of issues with eating. Sometimes they will try something just to see if their tastes have changed because they see everyone else enjoying it but if they don’t like it that’s ok. I now enjoy foods I hated as a kid but that’s because I was forced to eat them then. Some people like gravy, some don’t, some people like sauces and others can’t bear them. I love roast potatoes but can’t touch mash. That’s all ok.

I have this exact child!!!! My DD is 6, her plate will be plain pasta dry mince and a side salad whereas we could be having spag bol, lasagne or a pasta bake.

I'm so sad for her that her diet is so restricted but she physically can't do it. For us we thought it stemmed from a late diagnosis of food allergies causing a mistrust of food.

However she is starting to outgrow the allergy and all foods still need to be inspected and dissected, a touch of sauce or a stray herb could mean the whole meal is unacceptable.

It's such hard work I really understand.

Why do you keep serving her things you know she doesn't like? Like putting bolognese on her plate. I imagine she feels like she wishes she was like the rest of you because every time you put something like that on her plate, she wants to like it because she thinks it'll make you happy or you'll be disappointed with her if she doesnt and she has to force herself to eat a bit of it because you want her to. Just leave her to it. Why does she have to like bolognese or curry, or sauce? You say on the one hand everyone serves themselves and she picks what she's happy to eat but then you put something else on her plate and tell her she has to try it. Do you put an extra something on anyone elses plate and make them try it? Would you regularly eat mushrooms, or a variety of dishes all containing mushrooms if someone put them on your plate and told you that you didn't know if you liked it as you'd never tried it. She doesn't like the sensation of wet food. Why isn't that ok with you?

This isn't a one off or her being naughty. She doesn't like wet food. So stop making her eat it! You're making her feel different to everyone else.