I’m struggling mentally and it’s all falling apart at work

[UpSideDownAndInsideOutAgain]

I’ve worked at the same company for 5 years, transferred to a different dept a year ago and I’ve struggled ever since.

It’s very disjointed, no support and anytime I voiced a concern I was assured I could only do as much as I can and keep going. So I did and just struggled in silence.

2 years ago I was diagnosed with general and social anxiety. My manager was aware and although taking medication I haven’t been very well mentally since starting in the new dept and things have spiralled out of my control.

I’m so forgetful which in turn I’m making mistakes and now these mistakes are being highlighted to senior managers and I’m in trouble.

I miss read an email and diarised a meeting incorrectly. Some people turned up at wrong time some had no idea I’d changed the date and time etc. It was a mess to sort out and very embarrassing as I’m usually very focused. In the 5 years I’ve never had any problem doing my work but this year it’s all gone wrong.

I’ve had an investigation meeting for the above and awaiting a date for disciplinary meeting and that’s just tipped me over the edge. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t leave I need the money and if I didn’t have work I know my mental health would further deteriorate. I love my job and I know I am good at it but not so much this last year.

My GP wants me to have some time off but I know everyone will think I’ve only done that because of the disciplinary looming and I’m on a wait list to see a psychotherapist but it’s very long.

I’m so down and my head is all over the place, I can’t concentrate and I’ve just realised I’ve made another mistake late last year which will have an impact now. I’m making myself look like an idiot.

I just don’t know what to do for the best.

Have you raised any of your concerns in writing?
Have you asked for any adjustments for your anxiety?
Did your Manager suggest you speak to Occupational Health?

Hi OP, sorry to hear that, it sounds really, really stressful.

Did your manager do anything to make allowances for you once they were aware of your situation? If you think that you'll continue to make mistakes at work then perhaps take your GP's advice as it will buy you some time, albeit it won't be peaceful as you'll be worrying, understandably.

There are some brilliant posters here who will be able to guide you to the right board for some advice so I'll just leave it that I've heard you and hope that the outcome isn't as bad as you fear. It sounds very difficult and you have my sympathy. :(

No is the answer to all three questions Chaz there is a culture of playing the anxiety/stress card and I don’t want to be seen as “that” person.

Thank you lying it’s incredibly stressful.
I did post on the employment issue board but didn’t receive any replies. I’m so paranoid at the moment even that got me down.
I too boring even for an anonymous webpage

A disciplinary sounds OTT, who cares about a disorganised meeting? Do you have a union rep you can take along?

A disciplinary for one error seems harsh. Do you have a union and are you a member? If not you can give ACAS a ring.

Don’t sacrifice your MH for the job if you need to be signed off then get signed off.

However, the disciplinary may decide no action is required or it’s just a warning. Don’t assume it will be a catastrophic outcome.

@Moltenpink

A disciplinary sounds OTT, who cares about a disorganised meeting? Do you have a union rep you can take along?

I did join a union when I started to realise I was really struggling and had a hard time being accused of something I didn’t do. I’ve called twice and waiting a call back.

The whole year June has been awful. This is the worst I’ve felt in a long time. I could go to bed and sleep for days. My brain is mush.

I really thought it was a harsh step to take, it was my first mistake and they now know about the other one. It’s too stressful. I don’t have any energy to defend myself. I cried all the way through the investigation meeting and had to turn my camera off.

No, you're not too boring for answers, UpSideDownAndInsideOutAgain, it's more likely that those of us who've seen your thread don't have the answers and don't want to steer you wrong with wrong information that could do you a disservice.

I can tell you what happened when I was bullied at work, it was about 20 years ago now and in a personnel department of all places. They wanted me to leave, I want to leave but to another post. I held my ground as I couldn't afford to 'just leave', who can? Cloud cuckoo land some of these people!

Anyway, it got so severe that I went to the GP and broke down, was put on ADs (which I hated) but they did help. GP was brilliant and when my boss asked for my medical records he was told where to go. I went back to work after six weeks and quietly got my head down and applied (and got) another job. Never looked back but never forgot.

You need an advocate. Don't make decisions now whilst your head is in this space. Is there somebody in RL whom you can trust? Who will be at your side to help you through this? If not then see your GP again (if you're able with Covid restrictions) and ask them to guide you through what your employer can and cannot do. That's the best advice that I can give you right now.

Don't allow yourself to be bullied out of your job; use whatever mechanisms there are to get you what you need medically - and regarding your employment, find out what options you may have to move, perhaps? Just because you're subject to a disciplinary doesn't mean that you have to agree to it if you're not well enough.

It's not always going to be this bad. Don't bury your head in the sand, face it head on - and speak to your GP for ADs if you're not already on them, just to get you on balance again. I would really suggest that you could do with them but your GP is the expert.

For you

Thank you again Lying I’m glad I posted. I’m already on ADs twice a day and have been for a year and I’m on the waiting list to see someone.

No allowances made, my manager is great, this is coming from higher up. I can’t go sick there is no one else to do my role and the work will just pile up.

If you are unwell then you can go sick.

If there is nobody to do your work then they are shooting themselves in the foot to push you to the point where you will need time off for stress.

I’ve called in sick today, it’s not going to look good although that may be my own paranoia

I'm so sorry to read this, I also have anxiety and can easily spiral to that place where I make mistakes/am terrified of mistakes. It is a horrible place to sit in and I hope you are ok. I think paranoia is a completely natural step from that space as well so that doesn't surprise me that you feel like that too. I have no answers OP, I wish there was some magic wand but just wanted to say hello and say that you're not alone, regardless of what your anxiety is telling you. Please push for talking support and maybe ask for a short term medication increase while you work through this time. Also, a disciplinary over what you described sounds like a total over reaction so you sound like you work in a very challenging environment. Take care of yourself.

Is it possible to request speaking to occ health and no one at work? It’s so personal and I don’t trust anyone

Back again.

I received a letter of concern and I then booked just over a week off )n annual leave instead of going sick.

I returned yesterday and everything felt much better. Today I received a call, I’ve made another mistake - sent a disciplinary letter to the wrong person so I’m having another investigation meeting tomorrow.

My GP has prescribed Diazepam alongside my current meds and I’m on a waiting list for therapy. I don’t know how much more I can take. I know it’s all my fault and I’m now scared to even reply to an email in case I get it wrong, my confidence has gone. Before lockdown I was great at my job but now I’m shit and everyone knows it.

Just to be clear, the 2nd mistake was made just after the first one, I didn’t know I’d even done it.

What is the point if I’m trying to help myself get better but every turn discovers something before and it all spirals again.

I can’t go off sick and hide my head in the sand in shame because it will all be there piling up waiting for me

I’m sorry OP that sounds very stressful and in a way I can relate.
Did you say you’ve been there for 5 years?
Surely your colleagues have a level of understanding about how you work by now. Do they really think that you’re that bad or is that what you think?
Sometimes we think people are thinking things when they aren’t, their too busy thinking about themselves.
Often with anxiety we are hypercritical of ourselves and assume others are too.
Take some annual leave and try to de stress for a bit. Can you access an Employee assistance Program through your job to get some help?

Thank you. I know my peers and colleagues know me well. It doesn’t stop the fact that I’m now making errors, errors I didn’t make before lockdown.

I’ve spoken to our EAP people, they were great and I’m )n a waiting list. GP gave details for a private psychologist but I can’t afford that.

I’m going to loses a great job that I love. I can’t take anymore annual leave I took just under two weeks instead of going sick like the GP advised last week. I’ve only been back 2 days and feel exactly like I did before going on leave

I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this for. It’s embarrassing and exhausting

Oh goodness. I have different circumstances but am in exactly the same place, and it is terrifying. I'm sorry to hear you are here too. I feel like I am stumbling around making so many wrong decisions left, right and centre. I don't know what to suggest, sorry, but I do know this is a very lonely place to be in and I am very sorry you are here too.

Things that cause brain fog are deficiencies of certain vitamin and minerals.
Get blood test to check B12 and Vitamin D, and also iron for anaemia

Menopause also causes this level of brain fog, and then if you add in your GAD it is no wonder you are making mistakes.

Go off sick and get these checked out

Thank you. I’m such a saddo I’ve just started a new thread in mental health it’s just getting worse by the day.

I’ve had all bloods done and I’m apparently not peri yet or deficient it’s exhausting

You may be self sabotaging subconsciously as an expression of some deep seated anxiety or trauma.
Has there been a trauma recently? Maybe lockdown triggered something latent?
I'd start keeping a daily journal and record your thoughts, feelings, anxieties and general, daily interactions with others, to see if a pattern begins to emerge.

Lockdown was definitely my down fall. I hated being furloughed at first and then I loved being at home and we really bonded as a family and then I was un furloughed just thrown back in to it all.

We made a lot of redundancies which added to the work load and that’s when I started forgetting things, getting distracted, confusing myself, becoming frustrated with the noises and doubts in my head and then the investigation meetings. On and on and on it just doesn’t stop.

I’m scared to keep a journal in case someone finds it, reads it and realises. I can not and will not go back into a secure unit

You CAN go off sick and you should. This is all spiralling because you are trying to do your job when you are not well enough to do it. Go on sick leave for a period until you feel well enough to return to work.

Nothing else should be in your considerations. You are not coping NOW, what happens while you are off or at some point in the future is irrelevant and shouldn't factor in your decision making.

The situation is getting worse and worse because you are not taking sick leave when you need to. It's that simple.