I’m struggling mentally and it’s all falling apart at work

[UpSideDownAndInsideOutAgain]

I’ve worked at the same company for 5 years, transferred to a different dept a year ago and I’ve struggled ever since.

It’s very disjointed, no support and anytime I voiced a concern I was assured I could only do as much as I can and keep going. So I did and just struggled in silence.

2 years ago I was diagnosed with general and social anxiety. My manager was aware and although taking medication I haven’t been very well mentally since starting in the new dept and things have spiralled out of my control.

I’m so forgetful which in turn I’m making mistakes and now these mistakes are being highlighted to senior managers and I’m in trouble.

I miss read an email and diarised a meeting incorrectly. Some people turned up at wrong time some had no idea I’d changed the date and time etc. It was a mess to sort out and very embarrassing as I’m usually very focused. In the 5 years I’ve never had any problem doing my work but this year it’s all gone wrong.

I’ve had an investigation meeting for the above and awaiting a date for disciplinary meeting and that’s just tipped me over the edge. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t leave I need the money and if I didn’t have work I know my mental health would further deteriorate. I love my job and I know I am good at it but not so much this last year.

My GP wants me to have some time off but I know everyone will think I’ve only done that because of the disciplinary looming and I’m on a wait list to see a psychotherapist but it’s very long.

I’m so down and my head is all over the place, I can’t concentrate and I’ve just realised I’ve made another mistake late last year which will have an impact now. I’m making myself look like an idiot.

I just don’t know what to do for the best.

What prompted the secure unit?

Yes, you must go off sick. Please please do.

"There is a culture of playing the sick card" - are you sure? Or is it that your work place makes lots of people ill? Because a disciplinary over an administrative snafu seems really, really harsh.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what the culture is, or what it looks like - you are ill and you must take the advice of your dr. and take leave. Even if it does look bad, put your health first. You can (and arguably very definitely should) get another job (in due course - first things first) but you can't get another you.

I'm sending you massive hugs and really firm handholds. I've been in a really similar place to you and it is a nightmare. You just have to trust me when I say that it is not for ever. There will be a resolution, you will be well and happy at work again. The main priority is that you must look after yourself so that you're ready to get to the other side of this hellscape. You will. I promise.

Thank you all so much. I’m reading and taking it all in and I’ve had a long talk with my manager today who is happy to support some time off, occ health and anything else they can do to help. He said he recognises this new behaviour as not my usual way of working and agrees some time away will be the best approach.

I feel exhausted and functioning at a very basic level, I still need a shower and I haven’t eaten anything again today. Just trying to speak to my go today as well

Glad to hear you had that conversation. Hope you get some good rest tonight.

Just wanted to give you these 💐 OP.

I've been through something similar in the past and I understand how awful it is. Hang on in there, things will get better. Most importantly, look after yourself.

You are all so lovely.

I do have company, a house full and our beloved pups although I prefer time alone right now.

For those who understand where I am right now, how did you manage and how long did it take to start feeling not so detached?

Today I’ve walked the pups in the rain, sent the work email off with everything on my to do list, deadlines and projects, it was a loooong email which just proves how much pressure I was under, I feel better by sending it and hopefully they will find some one to carry on with my work as I’m normally stand alone so if I take holiday it all just piles up waiting for me, no wonder I’m so behind which is just not like me.

The house is lovely and quiet, it’s still ra-inning and I’ve put the heating on. Not eaten, can’t face it but I do feel calmer. Thanks for all the support

So glad you've got that email off your plate.
I can't answer the question about when it starts to feel better - it's so different for everyone. If I could offer any advice it would be not to rush it and not to think in terms of "shoulds". You almost need to stop asking yourself to get better before you can start to get better.

Just handholding OP, I know that place of being extremely anxious at work and terrified of making mistakes. It is paralysing and then compounds everything when time relentlessly ticks on by and your workload mounts up.

Agree with people saying perhaps you really need to consider some time off to rebalance and recuperate