Do you let dc go to bed hungry?

[Darkestseasonofall]

I'm at the end of my tether, nearly 4yo dd is an absolute nightmare when it comes to food.
She seems able to live on fresh air and not much else.
Some nights for dinner we'll all eat together, she has a mini portion of whatever is going and will just eat the bits she wants. Other nights the dc eat earlier and I'll give her choices, even when she chooses something she often refuses to eat it. Even if she ate it the day before .
She's bright enough to play me, knowing she'll get toast / fruit later.
WIBU to say no more other options, you specified what you want for tea, eat it or stave until the morning?

As in, sent to bed without any supper, no. I’ll always make a boiled egg and toast if he doesn’t like his supper, too.

Probably against the grain of most but I would say they are generally too little aged 4 to understand the cause and effect of not eating= hunger pangs and then the cycle of moodiness/ not wanting to eat/ being fussy etc can get really intense for you all.

Offer supper of something quite boring like buttered toast fruit yogurt and cereal right before bed?

I know how frustrating fussy eating ruts can be but it honestly does get easier when they are much older.

Don't let it be a battle of wills for your own sanity!

Hmmm, I'd offer a cup of milk which is quite filling, but no more food.
V short term though, I'd also plan a bigger than usual breakfast.

I’ve let my good eater go to bed without any dinner (point blank refused to eat it) but I won’t let the terrible eater do it, weirdly. So frustrating!!

I've always offered something boring like porridge, especially at 4. More recently (he's 8) I've said no to more food as I think he says he's hungry to delay bedtime.

I'd try and take the emotion out of it all and just accept that she'll be a bit snacky for now until she's older. I'd make the pre-bed snack not too "fun" though (eg sitting at kitchen table and just toast/porridge/fruit etc). DS also had a big cup of warm milk before bed until quite recently which I think helps with any bedtime hunger.

Yes
My 3 year old when stubborn will go without

Il give him milk instead

No I'd probably just give toast and fruit at tea time, if she wants to eat what the rest of you are having let her try some but without comment.

DD1 (11) is an utter nightmare, appetite of a gnat, on her way to being vegan- but is fussy too, gets 'bored' of food easily and takes ages to eat. Loves crap though .

I've learnt the hard way and don't say a word regarding food in front of her. But trying to get DH to stop fussing isn't so easy.
She eats more variety, more quickly, if no one else is staring at her plate.

I'd offer a four year old the same exact thing, eg weetabix, every time. At the table.

I think if she’s been given a selection and chosen what she wanted and you know she likes it, then if she doesn’t eat it at dinner time that’s fine; but when she’s hungry later you just offer the same thing again. I think it’s fine to acknowledge that she might not be hungry at dinner time - adults often aren’t hungry at the time they’re “supposed” to be.

Thanks all, I think the majority advice here is a good option. Something very boring on repeat, so there is no incentive to bugger about not eating dinner.
I honestly feel like I'm burning £20 notes some weeks with her, one of the many frustrations of motherhood!

No, I don't fuck around with food like that. My middle child was a self restricted eater, to the point that we were referred to a psychologist, and she was very clear- don't make food a battle, don't go the 'eat what I say or eat nothing' route, don't use food or lack of it as a punishment. It took years but now he, who at one point ate only mild cheddar, cucumber, satsumas, bread, plain pasta, yoghurts and Jaffa cakes, eats a very varied diet.

I have no time whatsoever for the "picky eater, don't indulge, my way or the highway, they won't starve" sort of approach.

I don't dish up dinners that my children dislike. Luckily I don't have fussy eaters I just make sure they do like whatever I put infront of them. They are also very involved with the shopping and meal planning each week. I don't let my children go hungry as such but I won't fall over myself if they don't really eat. I'll save their potion to re heat throughout the evening and fruit/veg is in a bowl on the table that they can help themselves to at any point. My youngest is the master if telling me he's "not hungry" then half an hour later asking for a biscuit or toast He then gets two options 1) your dinner or 2) fruit/veg

People will probably massively disagree with me, but if my 21 month old doesnt eat dinner, she just gets a cup of milk and then goes to bed. I never offer alternatives unless it's a brand new meal and she doesnt like it. She has a different reaction to food she doesnt like versus just throwing a bit of a strop. It is rare she genuinely doesnt like something though. Most of the time it's a power struggle or the food just wasnt what she had in her head. If I know its something she has eaten many times before I always say 'it's this or nothing' and I always mean it.

No of course not. She’s too young to understand, and food shouldn’t be a war zone you’re both fighting in.

Don’t make food an issue more than it is. She could be also doing it for attention. Sending her to bed hungry will just result in a sleep less night for her and you.

DS1 used to be offered a babana.
DS2 got offered cereal (with milk, not dry)
I knew if they ate those things, they really were hungry, as they weren't popular, but would get eaten.

My 2 year old doesn't eat veg apart from potatoes! I give him a bit of whatever the evening meal is and he either eats it or doesn't. I never tell him that he won't get pudding etc if he doesn't eat his main. You'll just create a battlefield of bargaining and bribing.
Pudding could be a yoghurt, fruit or something bigger like apple pie and custard! Again, he eats it or doesn't, his choice.
But him and his older sister both get milk and a biscuit before they brush their teeth. I know then that they're not going to bed on a completely empty stomach, but there are no alternative meals or snacks at mealtime.

At 4 she should understand that it's mealtimes. If my dc refused to eat something that I know she has eaten before I wouldn't force it but casually say- that's fine, don't eat it but there won't be anything else before bed. I would keep the plate and reheat it if she asked for it and 9/10 she ate no problem.

Just to be clear I'm not offering her stewed kidneys or the like.
This evening at about 4i asked if she was hungry, she said yes, she'd like dippies (hummus, pitta, carrot sticks etc). I provided these, she took one bite and declared she isn't hungry.
No doubt when DP gets home she will tell him she's starved in the hope of some crisps or suchlike.
This is where my frustration lays, I provide what she wants, mostly when she wants it, and she won't eat it .
I absolutely don't want a battle, but I think she has a lot of autonomy and still buggers about

Maybe go to the GP and ask to be referred somewhere they might be able to give you some strategies to help. X

@unmarkedbythat

No, I don't fuck around with food like that. My middle child was a self restricted eater, to the point that we were referred to a psychologist, and she was very clear- don't make food a battle, don't go the 'eat what I say or eat nothing' route, don't use food or lack of it as a punishment. It took years but now he, who at one point ate only mild cheddar, cucumber, satsumas, bread, plain pasta, yoghurts and Jaffa cakes, eats a very varied diet.

I have no time whatsoever for the "picky eater, don't indulge, my way or the highway, they won't starve" sort of approach.

Agree.

I gave my kids whatever they wanted at meal times. I always ask them what they want each day and always have. We had a few months of pizza every night but now as teens both eat a fairly decent diet - five portions of fruit and veg daily, good protein, whole grain carbs etc. I was always puzzled by the rage and resentment from others when they observed our family food practices. Food really is emotive for some.

I have a seriously fussy eater, (think beige, dry food only) 3 year old, and I would never send her to bed hungry. At this young age it accomplishes nothing. They don't have sufficient understanding of cause/effect.
If she doesn't eat dinner she has cereal or oat bar and drink of milk before bed.
Don't make food a battleground was psychologist advice when we saw re: fussy eating.

No, and I don’t like going to bed hungry either! I keep dinner if it’s not eaten as the littlest one will normally go back to it.

With OP's description of child choosing what they like, turning their nose up and then asking for food later, I would not be rushing to indulge that.
That's very different to working with a very restricted eater with a lot of food aversions where stress needs to be removed from food.

Some children don't need a lot. Some children's appetites are weighted to different ends of the day (DS2 is a morning eater, DS1 the evenings). Is she actually hungry at the time you are offering tea? 4 sounds very early whereas later she might have more appetite.

DD is like yours. She gets to eat what we have or nothing. Her eating has improved significantly since we stopped giving her options.

In our house bread (toast) is always allowed, as it just creates too much drama to get very strict about food. And everyone likes hot buttered toast