Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I’d like to get a cleaner, we can afford it, yet for some reason this makes me feel like I can’t cope ?

46 replies

Lardlizard · 07/09/2020 10:51

I’m not sure why this is coming with such a sense of guilt for me, if we go to eat out I don’t feel like I can’t cope with cooking

I just don’t enjoy cleaning

And I suppose I think, it might set the dc up thinking you don’t do this kinda stuff for yourself you pay someone
To do it for you

I suit get why I feel so guilty about it
Yet I’ll spend loads on other things happily

OP posts:
Original poster
Lardlizard · 07/09/2020 10:51

Not suit
Don’t get

OP posts:
EndothermicHands · 07/09/2020 11:02

I'm utterly unapologetic about my cleaner and we are a childless couple. We work long shifts and the time gained by not having to spend half a day cleaning the house on precious days off mean we can spend the time doing other things that only we can do (life admin, currently decorating and making lots of decisions, spending time together etc). DP was reluctant at first but now thinks its the best thing we've ever done.

My cleaner gets a wage (I carried on paying during COVID as we were still working too and she is a single mum on a tight budget) and is happy as we are very flexible if she needs to change the day she cleans.

EndothermicHands · 07/09/2020 11:03

For things like decorating- it is cheaper for us to pay the cleaner to free us up to paint, than it is to pay a decorator. Think of it in terms of economics!

OrangeGinLemonFanta · 07/09/2020 11:05

I would rather get paid to clean someone else's house than clean my own for free and watch the kids trash it again.

Coriandersucks · 07/09/2020 11:06

Do it. You won’t regret it.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 07/09/2020 11:07

It's giving someone income. That's a good thing

RememberBlazinSquad · 07/09/2020 11:13

I do know what you mean OP. We have a cleaner and occasional help from a mother's help. At times parenting two very small children, and keeping on top of the house was really, really tough. A favourite pastime of mine seemed to be beating myself up for finding it tough despite all the help I had. It made me feel like I must be really crap at it if I still found it hard when I had it so 'easy'.

Rational part of me knows that's mad, things are just hard for all sorts of reasons despite having help. It's also fine to outsource things, cleaning, painting and decorating, DIY, washing the car, gardening, cooking, baking. Some people want to and are able to do those things themselves. Others choose to or have to outsource. Each to their own, but you shouldn't feel bad about it.

fizzybootlace · 07/09/2020 11:16

I understand completely! I do have mobility issues which makes cleaning properly really difficult and tiring so I tidy and wipe round every day, bathroom, kitchen etc but not floors. DH and DC do try and help but it's not done properly and I felt like such a nag so we decided to get a cleaner and it was the best decision! I felt so guilty and even used to make sure I was out when she was here but then illness kept me at home for a while and I got to know her properly and she prefers someone being in the house when she's here (and I got over myself!) so it's all worked out fine. Once you start though, you won't want to go back to doing it yourself! Honestly, just go for it.

mamas12 · 07/09/2020 11:18

Right think of it like this
You are in charge of managing the household and part of that is delegating tasks so you have just delegated cleaning to someone else (who is making a living from it)
Win win all round I say!

DaughterX · 07/09/2020 11:19

I know what you mean. But try it, and if they're decent and do a good job, you won't regret it. (If they don't do a good job, don't hesitate to get someone else!)
Your free time is precious and limited. I still need to clean, tidy and do numerous other 'housework' jobs but I know that once every fortnight, the floors, surfaces, hobs, taps will be cleaned no matter what.

Lockdown made me realise that without the cleaner I would spend at least one full weekend day cleaning, while the kids were around, and it still didn't feel like I was on top of it. That's a lot of time!

paxillin · 07/09/2020 11:21

I don't bake my own bread nor knit my own socks, because neither brings me joy and I can afford to pay someone else to do this for me. Cleaning is no different.

Iliketeaagain · 07/09/2020 11:25

Try it - I guarantee the guilt will disappear when your house is clean.

My cleaner comes 3 hrs a week in one block. She does all the things it's an absolute faff to do at the weekends when the kids are home.

I still hoover most days (children make crumbs!), swish toilet cleaner down and wipe surfaces every day, but she does the whole house, the toilets and steam mops the floors.. and it means that neither me or DH need to try and work out how to do those jobs at the weekend while trying to keep children occupied.

Trikc · 07/09/2020 11:26

I've always had cleaners. I've never felt guilty about it. I pay them well and I am nice to them. I've had my most recent cleaner for 15 years so I assume I'm doing something right. I don't look down on her and she doesn't look down on me. She earns a lot more than minimum wage and has a flexible job. Why would you feel embarrassed about employing someone in those circumstances.

I could easily do my own cleaning but I don't want to. I pay for other things that make my life easier so why not cleaning. Is it some sort of reverse snobbery that makes people think they have to do there own cleaning?
I also have a gardener and I also pay for the car to be cleaned. I pay for decorators too.
If I was a cleaner I would be a bit insulted if people thought I was not doing valuable work.

Trikc · 07/09/2020 11:27

Their*

JeanBodel · 07/09/2020 11:28

I have worked as a cleaner, and I have employed a cleaner. Both are fine.

I am not sure why we (women?) have this guilt about outsourcing. Is there some sort of virtual list of tasks the woman of the house must perform herself? Sew costumes for WBD, bake birthday cakes, clean the house (plus hold down a job and raise the children, no doubt).

I don't know where this list comes from but I'm not having any of it.

MindyStClaire · 07/09/2020 11:29

Why on earth would you feel guilty? Cleaning is awful. You get to not clean and get more time. Cleaner gets a wage.

You only need to feel guilty if you can't afford it and so the family is going without, or if you take advantage of your cleaner. Pay a fair rate and have realistic expectations and enjoy!

BiddyPop · 07/09/2020 11:30

We had a cleaner long before we had DD. We have had periods where we didn't have one - we had an au pair who had very little childcare to do so had some cleaning instead for 4 years, the last recession meant it was not in the budget, or we've been unorganised in arranging it when previous cleaner left to return home (another EU country).

Having a cleaner doesn't mean you no longer clean anything - you still need to clean the kitchen and sweep floors daily etc and possibly bathrooms between visits. But it will discipline you (if you're anything like us) to have the house neat before they get there (so they can get on with CLEANING rather than TIDYING). And means that the jobs you DO have to do are much smaller and can be done in a couple of minutes rather than feeling like you need to devote a full day to cleaning. (Or at least, do 1 job for 10-15 minutes, and another one later - but not feel like there is a loooonnnngggg list to be done).

feemcgee · 07/09/2020 11:34

Before lockdown and being at home all day, my cleaner came in one day a week. Coming home that day to a sparkling house was amazing! Some people I know employ one, others don't. Some can be judgemental but I feel that that's a reflection on their own shortcomings and not on mine. We can't do everything all of the time, anything to help is worth it. Go for it!

Rainbowshine · 07/09/2020 11:35

I get where you’re coming from OP, I felt a bit weird about having cleaners and resisted for a while before organising it.

What changed my mind? That I got the time back that I could then spend with family, and the house was cleaned skillfully by someone who needed that work.

It didn’t stop us from having to clean in between the cleaners, so DC still see that jobs need to be done and they help with those to gain life skills.

In lockdown we haven’t had the cleaners in and so I’m back spending at least half the weekend cleaning. We’re getting them back as soon as we can.

OneMoreForExtra · 07/09/2020 11:52

I think you need to chase down the 'should's that lie behind your thinking. You already know you can afford at and that it makes sense to outsource some of your jobs, so tackle the thinking that's holding you back:

Might teach the kids to expect not to clean up: are you thinking you should teach them what a life where you can't afford a cleaner looks like? Could you change that thought to: you should teach them to make good decisions about balancing effort, money and time?

Makes me feel like I can't cope with the cleaning: are you feeling like you should be running the house as part of your role in the family? Could you change that thought to: you and your DP should decide together how best to ensure a healthy, happy home life?

Smallsteps88 · 07/09/2020 11:53

I’m a cleaner who wants a cleaner Grin

Scarby9 · 07/09/2020 12:04

I took a group of childrento visit a local stately home.

The guide showed them a group photo of about 100 people and said ' All these people worked for the one family of four people who lived here in Victorian times'.

The children were suitably shocked and appalled until she said, 'Or I could say, 'That one family gave all these people work so that they could feed their families. They gave some of them free houses, lots of them free beds and food, and they paid them pensions until they died'.

I have always remembered the children's and my mindshift. It is obviously not that simple, but providing a job for anothr person is not something to feel guilty about.

Scarby9 · 07/09/2020 12:05

PS. Not suggesting you offer your cleaner a house, free board and lodging or a pension until they die, by the way!

user1493413286 · 07/09/2020 12:09

It’s funny that we feel this way yet i feel no guilt in getting someone to do decorating or things like cleaning my car which in theory I could do. We got a cleaner when I was pregnant working full time with a toddler and now I’m on maternity leave and older DD is in nursery in theory I could do that cleaning but it’s a luxury we can just about afford and I refuse to feel guilty about it. At this stage I’d feel worse letting my cleaner go as I know she’s lost a few people with Covid.
Our cleaner comes every fortnight and I still feel I do a lot of cleaning as I do it in between and there’s an awful lot of washing, wiping up, tidying that I do every day.

Love51 · 07/09/2020 12:11

I have this too. It isn't guilt like you would feel if you were abusing the cleaner, it is guilt that you are in some way not good enough as a person because you aren't doing all the domestic drudgery. I'm fairly sure some of the following factors are at play for me: working class parents, Catholic mother, generally anxious / perfectionist personality. I'm working on the third one.