Please help me with my aggressive toddler

[orangedrizzle]

My DS is so aggressive and it's breaking me. I am really struggling to manage him and I'm at a total loss as to what to do.

He pulls hair, bites and scratches. He also throws anything he can get his hands on and has broken so much stuff. It's particularly bad if he's tired.

I am getting really embarrassed taking him to see friends as he just can't play nicely with them. I mean, he can and does but I feel like I have to constantly watch him and teach him to play whilst they all play well together. I'm in fear about what he's going to do next.

We are very consistent in telling him no and removing toys ( after a warning) but it's getting to the point where he's actually really hurting me and DH and I just want to cry all the time.

He's unbelievably active and doesn't sleep too well. He's always been grabby since about 1 but it's just getting too much now.

Any ideas? He's just 2.

Anyone?

This sounds really tough and whilst my LO is younger and not particularly aggressive, I can sympathise with a very active toddler (who also does not sleep well!)

One little tip I try and remember is to avoid using a straight ‘no’ as a response- I think they just switch off from it and it becomes meaningless. Instead, we try saying “hold tight” in place of “no throwing” (then model holding on to the toy) or “kind hands” instead of “no hitting”. Always said calmly and firmly followed by positive distraction. It’s a shift in mindset but has really helped so far.

Stay strong! It’s so, so tiring being on edge about behaviour all the time.

Thanks @thebearandthemare we also try to this but it's like he switches off! It's very frustrating. We thought he might have a problem with his hearing but he never has a problem listening when I mention things he likes!

@LittleMissEngineer we go out at least once a day but I'm 30 weeks pregnant so struggle to manage more than that. We tend to have morning or afternoon out and then the rest of the time playing in the house. We used to go to so many classes and playgroups but Covid has put a stop to that.

How did you do the naughty step? We've been thinking about doing this for a while but haven't been sure about his understanding. He sometimes laughs when he gets told off. Did you have a specific place? How did you ensure they stayed still? I think DS would just run off.

Hi OP
So I also have an aggressive toddler, so you have my sympathies, it is exhausting. He is almost 3 and I have been working on his behaviour for long time. It has definitely improved.
First of all, what triggers him to be aggressive? Is he angry? Or playing?
How is his language? Is he frustrated? Have you actually had his hearing checked?
I have had a lot of support with my toddler, which has been invaluable. Have you spoke to a HV? I would recommend it.
Also I dont think you should underestimate the impact of you being pregnant on him, it is a huge thing for a small child. When did the aggressive behaviour start?
Also sorry for all the questions

Thanks @GreenishPurple for your reply. Sorry to hear you're going through the same thing!

What have you done to support your child and what help have you had? Professional and/or family?

He gets aggressive when he's very excited ( around other children for example) or when he's angry about something. For example if I take something off him or he doesn't get his own way. Tbh he's been aggressive since he was about 1! He started biting then. When he's tired ( he's an awful sleeper) he also gets very aggressive. It is generally aimed at me or his dad but sometimes with other kids. Never with grandparents.

His language is okay. It's not brilliant but he has about 30 words and can put 2 words together. We thought it might be because he's frustrated that he can't communicate properly but he's very good at gesturing etc ( obviously I teach him the words as we go). He doesn't mimic words easily- some children I know his age can do it first time but he can't. His understanding is very very good though.

We haven't actually had his hearing checked due to the lock down and doctors being closed for face to face but I will chase that up.

I was going to say - please get his hearing checked as it’s an easy thing to ‘miss’ as children start to manage communication in other ways ( like the gestures) and it will at least tick that off the list of things to try. My son stopped sleeping from 1 year during day and he was like a whirlwind 😂 I went for the completely physically wear him out - which did help- they do get awfully frustrated at 2 and especially if communication is a bit of a struggle-this too shall pass-I do sympathise as I was heavily pregnant the same time my ds was running me ragged 💐

Had a similar situation with my grandson who lives with me with his mum. We felt that he was in imaginary play as a dinosaur or dragon a lot and revamped his stories and viewing. It's is actually really difficult to remove violence from toddlers lives and it shouldn't be. Its had such a positive impact and the biting and smacking has reduced massively. We also introduced "the chair" when he does try to bite or smack which is working ok too.

Just trying to support him through this as lovingly as possible.

My DS had started getting behind me and DH and hitting us on the head when he was getting excited. Moving him, telling him no or time outs didn't work, but my sister suggested that I cry when he did it and it helped. I pretended to cry and told him that he hurt me. It stopped him and he was actually quite upset about it, he hid behind a pillow; I gave him a cuddle after a couple of minutes to reassure him and tell him he shouldn't hit mummy. I had to do it twice but he hasn't hit either of us in a few weeks. He hasn't been aggressive with other children, he's had very limited exposure with covid, so I'm not sure if it would work in those instances, but it might be worth trying when he does something to you.

Ahhh kind hands is meaningless. If you go to any speech therapy they will tell use less words, repeat. If his level is 2 word sentences, you use 2-3 word sentences. Although @thebearandthemare I do agree that too often and they do switch off. So pick your battles, be consistent and use a firm deep tone. A firm "No" or "No hitting" should work.

My DS was a hitter from 1 and instead of a nice cuppa and chat at play groups I had to stalk him around waiting for him to go to hit. I could see it about to happen and either take his arm/ hand or give the No hitting command. He's lovely now and is quite a gentle 4 year old boy. Probably took six months to sort.?

@LittleMissEngineer has it. Boys can be like dogs they need two walks a day ( I also have a dog! ) Very hard when pregnant, but it can just mean second activity is something in the garden as you sit on the chair.. I like boules ( we play with any old balls, underarm to hit target. We have a starting position at the garden bench) see what I did there, a sit down. I have a baby too! Or goals / hopstotch with a ball or stone / sandpit / mud pies / weeding into dumper truck / bug hunt / cutting the hedge with scissors / watering / painting fence with water / spraying the hose / washing his toys / throwing ball into bucket / aiming hose into bucket ...

I would agree with the boys being like dogs. We used to have to get out before 9.30, then back for lunch, sleep and then back out again.
Little boys often are quite aggressive and you just need to say no when they hit, move them and then make a big fuss of the person they hit. They do get the message eventually.

I'm going to get flamed for this, but anyhow....

The only 2 times our son got a slap on the face was when he hurt be deliberately. It wasn't about anger or rage, but simple tit for tat. He wanted something, didn't get it and punched me in the stomach really hard. unfortunately he hit a sweet spot and i vomited instantly. His dad automatically slapped him. To show how it hurts when someone hurts you on purpose.
He tried once more 2 days after I had an operation and was really weak and sick.

Never did we slap him anywhere or used corporal punishment, but these were times when nothing else worked and there has to be a hard line.
He was about 4 and 6(ish).

When he was 3 once at kindergarden pickup my husband joked that he'll get a slap for not getting dressed. Our son looked up to him smiling and asked when can I get my present? :) He was that unaware of what a slap is...

DS was awful for hair pulling and hitting. 12months - 2.5 were awful, I was in tears every week. He's now 3 and he is so much better.

I did the firm no and removing him from the situation. I tried the naughty step but he would find it funny so it would take hours to get him to stay there for 2mins.

He eventually got it but a lot of it was to do with his language. If he wanted to play with another child he would hit to get their attention. Now he will speak.

You just need to keep persevering and be consistent.

Please don't hit him back as it just reinforces the behaviour. If it's okay for you to do, it's okay for him

A grown man slapped a four year old child around the face. That is not bloody ok.

The fighting and the aggressive behaviour is all part of a child's development. They get frustrated because they can't say what they want, and it starts to get better as they start to be able to talk.

That's my take on it. That's how my grandson is.

OP you say he has about 30 words ? That sounds good to me. I also have a theory that the more demonstrative toddler is extremely bright. It's not all bad.

Just a note of solidarity - my daughter (now nearly 4) went through a terrible aggressive phase just after 2 and again just after 3.

She was a biter, a pincher, a hitter and a kicker - both at home and at nursery.

At home we could moderate it, but at nursery (despite the fact it's a great nursery, and the fact she loves it) - we'd sometimes pick her up and they'd have up to 7 incident reports, from where she'd been on a biting rampage.

We just didn't know what to do: we expect good behaviour, we explain things, we're firm, we model good behaviour (we're not even a remotely aggressive family, physically or verbally, we're a calm bunch).

She just has a really short fuse. And it seemed to be amplified when she was going through some sort of change, either in her circumstances (like moving rooms at nursery), or in herself (just on the brink of speaking, just on the brink of potty training etc.).

There were times we really wondered if there was something 'wrong' with her, or if we were doing something wrong.

Now she's a little bit older, she is getting better at moderating her behaviour - so we work with her on that, giving her ways of catching herself before she responds aggressively, giving her pre-set sentences to use to express her annoyance (the book 'Teeth are not for Biting' came in handy, often).

All through this, even in her most aggressive phases she was intrinsically a lovely kid - 70-80% of the time: smart, sociable, kind - just so quick to anger, and had no way of expressing her annoyance without resorting to flailing limbs and snappy jaws.

It will pass. Be firm. Be kind (I found parenting as if Supernanny was watching a good tactic to make sure I was handling it like an adult, rather than getting frustrated). And do know that perfectly nice kids can be monstrously aggressive - and they're still nice kids, we just need to ease them through that phase until they're borderline reasonable.

I could havw written this! My DS just turned 2 and I am struggling so badly with his aggressive tendencies, my daughter wasn't like this at all s I was unprepared.
Only thing I've found that works is giving him as little sugar as possible and LOTS of exercise and stimulation. Also found sticking rigidly to routine helps but I really struggle with this.

Hey OP

Definitely chase up the hearing test, I do think language can have a lot to do with this, as the little ones can get so frustrated when they don't understand or be understood.

So I had help through my health visitor, very little family help sadly. I went to a couple and groups and sessions for children with similar problems.
My son was a little behind with his language and understanding, which didnt help, and also just has a temper, and once he gets into a rage there really is no controlling him. In the bad times and have just had to hold him to stop him hurting me or other people.

I think a lot of what i try to do is covered in the Solihull approach, have you heard of it? Give it a google.

It basically revolves around emotions and understanding your child. Things like labelling the emotions your child is feeling, so they can learn to communicate their feeling with you. You say: I can see you are feeling happy, angry, excited etc. And how it is ok to feel these emotions.

Clear and consistent boundaries and follow through, it is ok to be angry and shout and stamp your feet. It is not ok to hurt others, break things etc. You stop these things by taking your child away from the situation or taking the things he is breaking.

Clear language is good, and often instead of saying no dont do that, say what you can do.

Also another thing, if they do hurt someone else give that person lots of attention and sympathy and no attention to your dc.

And most importantly staying calm.

Those are just a few of things, I'm happy to PM about this if you are interested. It is a different approach and not for everybody.

Op mentioned it but you didn't respond to them.
Speak to your health visiting team. They literally have people who specialise in parenting and behaviour support. The service is there, free to use, use it! You can get personalised 1:1 care, assessment, phone calls, maybe even groups for behaviour management, parenting courses. Better than advice from strangers off the internet.

PP, not OP!

This is so so helpful and reassurance! Thank you so much for your replies and ideas. I have written them all down and will have a really good think about them. This is the most useful thread I've had on MN so thank you.

He's starting having a witching hour at about 3.45 now! I remember this when he was a baby but it's back with him having a very destructive half hour or hour. He wakes from his nap at 2.30 and has a snack and drink. Then from about 3.45 he goes wild! I could honestly set my watch by it. Anyone else experienced this?

See if you can get the 3 day nanny on catch-up I can’t remember which channel it was on but she really gives some good tips for behaviour I’m sure she solved a case similar to yours when I watched it a few months back

I think you need to take an emotional step back and think of this as a long term project. It makes discipline easier.

I would say before seeing friends. If you hit, we go home. And make sure you do it - straight away. You don’t need to say anything, pick up and leave. That’s so he associations the hit with leaving.

A firm NO! Don’t hit! And ignore if you don’t feel the naughty step will work. Ignore all requests and behaviour.

After a few minuets speak calmly, I’m not happy you hit me, are you ready to say sorry? Don’t get into an argument.

I had a terrible time with ds I literally couldn't leave his side as he would lash out at other children. His speech was great from a early on so I guess I expected him to understand more than he did. We just battled through as nothing seemed to make a difference. I was convinced he would be expelled from school etc. I now have a gorgeous, kind teen who hasn't got a aggressive bone in his body. Looking back he is quite introverted and I now wish I hadn't filled his time with baby groups and activity after activity I wonder if it was all too much for him. I will never know for sure but wanted to reassure you this behaviour very often does pass although doesn't feel it at the time