Please help me with my aggressive toddler

[orangedrizzle]

My DS is so aggressive and it's breaking me. I am really struggling to manage him and I'm at a total loss as to what to do.

He pulls hair, bites and scratches. He also throws anything he can get his hands on and has broken so much stuff. It's particularly bad if he's tired.

I am getting really embarrassed taking him to see friends as he just can't play nicely with them. I mean, he can and does but I feel like I have to constantly watch him and teach him to play whilst they all play well together. I'm in fear about what he's going to do next.

We are very consistent in telling him no and removing toys ( after a warning) but it's getting to the point where he's actually really hurting me and DH and I just want to cry all the time.

He's unbelievably active and doesn't sleep too well. He's always been grabby since about 1 but it's just getting too much now.

Any ideas? He's just 2.

My daughter was awful when she was 2, she didn't hit but she had massive screaming tantrums. She bit us a few times too.

I was pregnant and used to end up in tears because I was exhausted and felt awful all the time!

It actually got better after the baby arrived so we think maybe she was confused or worried but couldn't explain why. Then she got much better again after turning 3.

She is still full of energy but her behaviour has got so much better and tbh we didn't really do anything different. She just had really bad terrible twos I think. It gets better!

It must be so hard for you. There are a couple of strategies you could use.

Tell him what to do, don't tell him what not to do. Eg
He kicks you. Instead of saying no kicking say foot on floor. He may click onto kicking when you say no kicking and you end up reinforcing it.

Try to ignore bad behaviour. Just move away after saying foot down. Then consciously give lots of calm attention when he's quiet.

Firm Massage on his arms , legs and torso to regulate his senses might help. Just a minute or so at different times through the day.

Try having only a couple of toys out to play with. He might get overwhelmed with lots of toys. Get two different toys out in the afternoon and rotate like that.

No screens. Tv , tablets , phone , electronic really flashy toys. This might keep him calmer.

Lots of exercise. Little indoor Trampoline with handle so he can bounce and get his endorphins going.

Does he get over stimulated when your out with friends. Music, noise, lights and lots of people. Perhaps meet in a quieter environment.

Acknowledge his emotions. It's ok to be upset. Tell him this. Stand back and don't try to stop it. Just tell him it's ok and you're there when he's calmed down. It's the same when your really cross. Being told to calm down just adds fuel to the fire.

When my dd turned two she went through a horrendous month.

It stated all of a sudden when we were walking through a park and a couple with a tiny dog said hello and dd went to pat the dog (with their permission, and me right by her side), and dd lifted up her foot and stamped on the dogs back. I cannot express my horror- it was so unexpected and aggressive. (Dog was fine thank goodness).

For the following 2 weeks, she was violent towards other children and her childminder as well. She kicked the childminder in the shin several times and slapped her peers.

I took it to heart in a big way- I took annual leave and kept her home from childcare because I was so worried about what would happen if I let her go.

This phase then ended as soon as it started. I found that the naughty step didn't help at all, but the positive reenforcement for any kind (non-violent ) interactions with others, via a reward chart, did help.

Good luck, try and remember that this is a stage many toddlers go through and 'this too shall pass'!

(Dd was also speech delayed and we wonder if it was related to frustration about this. It also, perhaps coincidentally, was during the few weeks when my dad was dying and I was back and forth to the other side of the country to help care for him. We think she probably picked up on the upset and disruption in the house.)

Agree with others about needing to be outdoors as much as possible. He needs to go out in the morning, lunch & nap then an afternoon outing. Even if it's just out to the shops or another quick hour at the park. It sounds sexist but I think boys really do seem to need it more than girls.

You can still go out if it's raining - just out on wellies & coat.

By that age my DS was doing gym which was great for teaching basic skills like waiting in line, and also toddler football. Not sure if any of those groups are on. Swimming would also wear him out & don't think he would have chance to be aggressive.

I work with children who have challenging behaviour (special needs and all functioning at toddler age) and one of the most important things is keeping language clear and short..and have the most important word at the end..

ie 'stop kicking!' .. the last word they hear and process is 'kicking' not the 'stop'
So we reverse it. 'Kicking STOPS' 'Biting STOPS' Have the key word at the end. And then remove him.. if it's at toddler group, leave. Park.. leave. It takes time but it works.
My DD1 was a biter, and a determined one at that. We left a lot of toddler play sessions. BUT he WILL grow out of it with a calm determined manner.. honest :)