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Original poster

Struggling with milestone birthday

48 replies

ZYXWUTS · 31/08/2020 11:16

I'm in exactly the same position as I was ten years ago except I've dropped out of university since then and I have the added pressure of supporting my parents alone because my brother and sister have both moved miles away.

I hate my job but I can't get anything else. I wanted to go back to university but I can't afford it. I always daydreamed about moving away (I know I would've just done it if I was ever going to...) but now I don't even have that because my siblings got there first.

I want a family. I hoped to adopt but I'd never be approved because of lack of support, trouble forming relationships... I know it's true (and finances are also an issue) but it hurts that the professional opinion is that I wouldn't be a very good parent.

I'm jealous of everybody and I hate myself for feeling like that but I grew up being fed rubbish about school ending and how I'd find my people in the real world... I never thought I'd still be struggling at nearly 30.

Does anybody else get this? I feel completely left behind other people my age and like the gap just gets bigger as I get older. I'm the eldest of my generation and the only one who's achieved nothing.

OP posts:

CabernetSoWhat · 31/08/2020 11:42

You are 30, not 80. You're talking as if it's all over, but actually, you just haven't started yet. You can literally do anything you want, but you do have to get out there and make your life. It doesn't come along and find you. Even if the first couple of things you try don't work out, there's no point stamping your foot and giving up. And who cares what everyone else has done? You only have to please yourself. Start making plans. You've got 50 years to get through yet.

Justtickingboxes · 31/08/2020 11:55

Sit down, grab a cup of coffee/tea/prosecco and have a date with yourself. You are younger than you think - you just need to refresh and replenish your spirit. Are you being kind enough to yourself? What are your dreams and what baby steps can you take to reach your goals? There are online courses, evening classes, YouTube tutorials, books.. don't worry about partners and kids - Nurture your garden and plants will grow

AmyFl · 31/08/2020 11:59

You have achieved things, though. You have a job. You support your parents. Both of those involve responsibility. Please don't give up, as the others have said, you can change your life.

user1471447924 · 31/08/2020 12:03

The grass grows where you water it! What do you actually want out of life?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 31/08/2020 13:09

I felt like you at 30. I now have a PhD and a baby.

First thing - move away. Don't limit your life like that.

What job do you do? Are there any courses that would help you progress? Would work pay for them?

My relationship status is complicated, I had my child by sperm donor. Not what I was planning on doing at your age (never thought I'd have children) but I'm so pleased I went through with it.

Things aren't over. Honest!

Original poster

ZYXWUTS · 31/08/2020 15:08

30 might not be old but even if I had all the options in the world, which I don't because I'm not rich and I'm going to end up my parents' carer, it's not enough time to study, build a career, and have children.

The idea that I've got another 50 years completely panics me.

Really, I was just wondering if anybody's in the same position. Loads of stuff online about not wanting children, and not having children due to infertility. Not having children due to circumstances seems to be less of a thing people talk about.

OP posts:

Metallicalover · 31/08/2020 15:35

You have been given good advice from pp. Opportunities/careers/relationships etc don't come to you, you have to go out and look for them. A hell of a lot of people aren't rich, most people are working class! I'm only a year older than you and we're only young! Everyone's paths in life is different!
Have a sit down down and think what you want in life starting with career and where you want to live.
How come you are going to be your parents carer?

MiriamShepherd · 31/08/2020 16:26

You’re not alone OP. Sometimes it’s good to know you aren’t alone in these situations and I’m here with you. I would love to give you wise words and say it’s changed for me but it hasn’t and I’m now 34, what I can say is I’ve started focusing on the good things I have when I have the bad days. Some days I have to force myself to think of things, but when I have the bad days I also dread the rest of my life and it’s the only thing helping me get out of that thought pattern.
I’ve also joined some groups and am online dating (That has been a train wreck for over a year though and I’m thinking of giving up but that scares me too). I keep thinking it has to get better, because it has to.

ginghamtablecloths · 31/08/2020 16:33

Please don't worry too much OP. You are young and your life is still before you. Try and focus on the good things in life. Many of us are reasonably content and we're not going to set the world alight. In another ten years things could be entirely different. Take small steps to make things better. Much good advice on here.

Shelley54 · 31/08/2020 16:40

You say you haven't the time to study, start a career, and have children. Yet you're beating yourself up because in the past ten years you haven't done all three.

You won't get anywhere else by doing everything the same.

Why can't you combine study and work so you build a career alongside qualifications? Why do you need to be a carer for your parents instead of professional carers (provided by the state of need be)?

I'm afraid you're sinking in a pit of despair when you have your own escape ladder. Very few of us are born rich; we have all struggled to get where we are. Some more than others, true, but you don't know what others have been through.

Shelley54 · 31/08/2020 16:41

Also you say you'd hoped to adopt. Have you actually been told by a professional that's not possible or is this self diagnosis from the Internet?

lachy · 31/08/2020 16:48

At 30, my life was a bloody mess, I was messing about, chopping and changing jobs every five minutes, I didn't really have any friends and was not in a good place. Looking back, I was very immature and made some very questionable decisions. I was also very jealous of everyone I knew because they were falling in love, getting married, starting families and seemed to have everything I wanted but had no idea where to start.

At 34 I started at Uni, got a great degree, and started to shape up mentally and physically. I met DH when I was 38, married him at 41, and had DD at 42.

My advice would be to take some time away if you can, take a notebook, write down each goal you have on a separate page and start to think about how you can achieve them.

I did something similar just as I was finishing Uni, I didn't end up going down the career path I expected, but most of the other goals I've achieved.

You don't have to be your parents carer, you can do whatever you set out to do, you don't need to be rich - at 30 I lived pay day to pay day, and had nothing, I still lived with my parents.

Live your life for you.

BluebellsGreenbells · 31/08/2020 16:52

Your biggest obstacle is you!

Look at university it that’s what you want to do, and why not? Lots of older students go to uni.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2020 16:53

Do your parents currently require caring? If you're 30, how old are they? Unless they both have disabilities that require care that you haven't mentioned...

Puppymania · 31/08/2020 17:06

Please dont think you have not achieved enough or that 30 is too late for anything else. At 30 I was divorced with no children. I had my children in my very late 30's and qualified in my profession in my early 40's. I changed industry in my 50's. Think about what you want and how you can get it. You do not have to be a carer and nothing else, please put yourself first and see what might be possible.

CormoranStrike · 31/08/2020 17:20

Why is it inevitable that you will be a carer for your parents?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 31/08/2020 18:29

You really don't have to be their carer. However much pressure they, or anyone else puts on you, saying no is an option.

My mother assumed my sister would move back after uni - she didn't. By the time I went she openly assumed I wouldn't return, but secretly did, even finding a house that would be 'perfect' for us to share. I moved hundreds of miles away.

During my 30s there was an unspoken expectation I'd move back to look after her. Nope. I might be a complete bitch but I want to last my own life. She's welcome to move nearby but I'm still not caring for her.

Original poster

ZYXWUTS · 31/08/2020 18:39

It is good to hear I'm not alone @MiriamShepherd. I often think things have to get better but it's hard to believe it when I've been knocked back so many times. I get fed up of trying when nothing ever seems to work out. Have you had any luck out of joining groups? I find the whole Meetup thing so awkward.

My parents aren't disabled and they're not old but they're ill. It's shit and I wish I didn't have to deal with it but there's nobody else.

I can't get student loans because I've studied before so university isn't an option. There aren't loads of great opportunities for training while you work where I live. I apply for anything suitable and haven't got anywhere with it. I've also done evening classes. In an ideal world, I'd widen my job search to the entire country and relocate but it's not an ideal world.

I am glad to hear some people have found happiness after struggling though

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2020 18:47

My parents aren't disabled and they're not old but they're ill. It's shit and I wish I didn't have to deal with it but there's nobody else.

Adult social services. Call and find out what there is. And don't get fobbed off. At the very least, if they are assessed with care needs, there could be services moving forward.

Original poster

ZYXWUTS · 31/08/2020 18:53

They don't have care needs right now and even if they did, I'm not phoning social services against their wishes.

OP posts:

BluebellsGreenbells · 31/08/2020 18:54

If you weren’t there, what would they do?

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2020 18:55

You're choosing this then. That's the reality. And if you are choosing it, make your peace with it. If you don't want to, change it.

CormoranStrike · 31/08/2020 18:57

@ZYXWUTS

They don't have care needs right now and even if they did, I'm not phoning social services against their wishes.

So go.

They have no care needs, go tred your own path and carve out your own happiness

Ikeameatballs · 31/08/2020 18:58

If your parents don’t have care needs then how are you their carer? What do you do for them?

Sceptre86 · 31/08/2020 19:02

I agree with previous posters, you are being very defeatist. Have you had any mental health issues in the past? I ask this because you are coming up with excuses for solutions proposed by other posters and just sound very down.

You are not old by any means and can change your life if you want to. You have studied at uni, what did you study? What about your evening classes? Are you in employment and what do you do?

When you say your parents are ill, how do you mean? In which areas do they need your support?

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