Struggling with milestone birthday

[ZYXWUTS]

I'm in exactly the same position as I was ten years ago except I've dropped out of university since then and I have the added pressure of supporting my parents alone because my brother and sister have both moved miles away.

I hate my job but I can't get anything else. I wanted to go back to university but I can't afford it. I always daydreamed about moving away (I know I would've just done it if I was ever going to...) but now I don't even have that because my siblings got there first.

I want a family. I hoped to adopt but I'd never be approved because of lack of support, trouble forming relationships... I know it's true (and finances are also an issue) but it hurts that the professional opinion is that I wouldn't be a very good parent.

I'm jealous of everybody and I hate myself for feeling like that but I grew up being fed rubbish about school ending and how I'd find my people in the real world... I never thought I'd still be struggling at nearly 30.

Does anybody else get this? I feel completely left behind other people my age and like the gap just gets bigger as I get older. I'm the eldest of my generation and the only one who's achieved nothing.

Check out 'Apricot Lane Coaching' on Facebook or Insta. She writes beautifully about being child free not by choice. She is also an excellent life coach if you fancied some support.

You're using your parents as an excuse. Get out there and live your life. 30 is young. There's nothing stopping you but yourself.

But why are they dictating what you can do and where you can live? If you moved away, you and your siblings would need to work out a rota between you of how to look after them

If your parents don’t have care needs why are you caring for them? Remember caring for your parents is something you have actively chosen to prioritise.

I don’t generally celebrate birthdays, but I genuinely cried on my 30th as I was both old and my life was clearly over. Obviously none of those things were true.

Your job, what skills do you use at work? How could then be transferred to a different job. What specifically do you dislike about your job?

Adoption, unless you have failed stage one you have no idea if you aren’t deemed suitable to adopt. I adopted at 28, it was an in family adoption so slightly different, but I had to meet all the standards you would need to meet, but the child was placed before stage one and two were complete. I had little support, I had no experience with children, I fixed those things, I gained experience with children, I attended courses for prospective adoptive parents and for people who have children with SEMH. I still only had a tiny support network, but they (2 people) were very reliable. Finances, you don’t need to be wealthy, you just need to save for the end few weeks when adoption leave is unpaid and afford childcare (you can include government help in this). Some LAs will fund additional adoption leave, as mine was an in family adoption I was entitled to paid adoption leave, so the LA funded my leave.

Being any parent is hard, being an adoptive parent is harder in different areas. But becoming an approved adopter isn’t the mammoth task people often believe it will be. If it is something you are interested in get yourself at an adoption info evening, go to a local adoption support group and speak to the parents.

Also, for straight people 30 would be considered young to adopt, most are late thirties to mid forties.

@SimonJT

Also, for straight people 30 would be considered young to adopt, most are late thirties to mid forties.

Is it different for gay adopters? All three of the gay couples I know who adopted were positively ancient!

@MrsTerryPratchett It won’t let me quote you. Typically gay adopters are younger because its usually the first choice route to parenting, where as the majority of straight adopters have it as a second choice due to problems with fertility. So for many straight couples there have been years of fertility treatment etc before adoption. Obviously not everyone fits the curve.

The average age for an adopter in the UK is 38. I know in our area the average age for gay adopters was 31 when my adoption order was completed, I don’t know if the figure for national is available.

Every day is a school day!

You couldn't quote me because I quoted you. You can't quote quotes. Is it just me or is quite sounding weirder every time I type it? Quote.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Every day is a school day!

You couldn't quote me because I quoted you. You can't quote quotes. Is it just me or is quite sounding weirder every time I type it? Quote.

Kwote.

@ZYXWUTS

When it comes to the meet-ups, I’m not a fan. I feel awkward too, I decided to join a church which I did a few years ago and it’s a friendly place despite my beliefs being very different to theirs, a lot of the people there are in couples and they are in the stage of life I would like to be in, however I’ve made some great friends amongst them. I now help out serving tea with the older ladies at the end of the service and I enjoy it especially getting to know the ladies there. I gained the confidence through that to volunteer with a soup kitchen which I find very rewarding and makes up for how hard I struggle with my day job. Following that a local walking group is starting up and although I don’t normally walk I have the confidence to join them so I will be going along to the first one of those, I’m also thinking of joining evening classes to learn a language but I’m still thinking on that. I find it easier to handle my life and where it’s at knowing I have these activities and a wider social circle, I’m not saying I am happy being single and childless at this age, but my life is a good one. I hope this helps.

I shouldn't have mentioned my parents. I'm not planning on quitting my job to care for them or anything like that. I'm just not going to move away and plenty of people achieve things living in their hometown so I can't blame everything on my location.

I've tried a lot of stuff and been knocked back a lot of times. That makes it difficult to reply to suggestions without it sounding like no no no.

I couldn't get references to adopt. I don't have anybody to ask. That's an issue even if having an almost non-existent support network isn't.

That sounds great. I had a couple of regular activities before lockdown. Never had any friends at them but I think having some structure to my week beyond working helped. Everything is still cancelled though.

I couldn't get references to adopt. I don't have anybody to ask.

You have parents. You have siblings. You have work colleagues.

You're catastrophising and seeing the world in very black and white terms. Have you considered counselling?

At 30 you still have so much opportunity ahead of you. I recall thinking at 30 I'd left it too late to change career, was wondering whether I'd ever meet someone and have kids. I wish I could shake my 30-year old self because I had time to try out so many things that I didn't attempt because I was paralysed by choice.

You're writing the worst case scenario here. Where do you want to be in 10 years? What do you want to have seen, done, tried? What's the best that can happen? If you'd love to adopt don't dismiss it out of hand. What kind of support network would you want? How might you meet people who could become friends?

I hadn't done anything to be proud of at your age OP - had an I'll parent but like you, my siblings had moved away so it was down to me to look after them. Your 30's could be your best decade yet - certainly were for me - met fab new man, bought a house, had a baby and got married.

Op i feel the same. Im almost 30. Want kids very badly but my dp keeps putting it off and he already has a dc. I currently have no job but dont qualify for benefits even though my dps wage goes towards rent bills and his dc and ex (long story there). I feel worthless like he will leave me for his ex and then i have an even more remote chance of having a child. I am desperately applying for jobs and getting rejected for them all. Its one long and boring slog but only we can change our lives although im not even sure how to start. Of i havent got friends either. Well i do but they ljve hours away as i had to move north years ago and cant afford to go home.

@ZYXWUTS

It is really hard when you see everyone else has got what you want to have, I don’t know if this helps but I understand why you mentioned your parents, you love them and you’re the most logical person to look after them if someone were needed.

If you were interested in volunteering and want to do something soon rather than having to wait till after everything opens up, I’d look at food banks and soup kitchens around now, they haven’t stopped they’ve adjusted to the circumstances and some of them are busier than ever.

I think you need to be more selfish to be honest. There are plenty of older people who don't have family nearby, they either get on with it or accept help.

The lockdown does really limit what you can do but could you try to figure out a 2 year plan for what you'd like to do?

OP, here we have a prime example of someone finding a problem for every solution.

The best stuff in my life happened after I was 30. At 30, you're only 12 years into an adulthood that will, hopefully, last a very long time.

I'm 45 and starting new hobbies and new activities all the time.

At 30, I had no friends, I had just graduated and had a crappy job, i had a child but not in the greatest of circumstances and no hobbies or social life at all.

At 45, I play bass guitar in a band, I've been married, I have a Masters and a professional career, I have a full social life, friends, a boyfriend, I had another child...

There are so many women who post on here thinking their lives are over by the time they're 30, I really don't get it.

It's your choice to stay where you are and do what you're doing. Yes, crappy finances get in the way but there are other options. If you haven't completed your degree, you still have funding available, you can study through the OU on a pt basis, you could move areas if you're not actually providing care for your parents, you could join a choir, start dance lessons, go rock climbing...

Your parents will just have to do what other people do as they get older if they don't have family nearby. I certainly didnt have children so they could look after me as I age and I really hope they spread their wings far and wide!

A lot of people are still finding their feet in adulthood at 30 and very few people who do appear to have things sorted at 30 carry along that same path forever. You're no different to anyone else.

Or you could carry on as you are for the next 10 years and arrive at your 40s sad and frustrated that you made the choices you did at 30.

Something like volunteering at a soup kitchen is worth looking into. Maybe even going back to church. I've never been religious but I used to take my grandad sometimes. Haven't given a thought to actually going there since he died but I still think of it as 'my' church.

To be honest, the last thing I would suggest you aim for right now is parenthood. It's hard. You need to be the strong one. You have to have skills to offer your child.

Sort yourself out. Find happiness. Find self confidence. You don't necessarily need people around you for that, but you do need it to have these things to bring up a happy child.

Self belief and confidence are your starting points imo. 💪

Crikey, you’re so young. I’m 20 years older and don’t feel remotely old yet. Your whole life is ahead.
You sound a bit sad and negative. Concentrate on building your self-esteem and happiness. I wish you well.

I know but it's near future or never for me. I know there are no guarantees but watching my parents' health declining in their 50s, I don't want to have children beyond my early 30s. It's selfish but realistically, there's never going to be a perfect time to have a child anyway.