I have just left an abusive relationship. My friends are wanting me to get the police involved but I don’t want to. What should I do?

[Lozbreizh]

Hi
Yesterday I got assaulted by my now ex boyfriend. I treated him for a meal out and we had a lovely night but we ended up disagreeing on something, I’ve told him to leave it as were enjoying our night but when we left the pub he assaulted me in the tiny street behind the pub. He pushed me onto the floor and grabbed me by the throat so I slapped him but he got me against another wall and started to strangle me, I couldn’t breathe at all and I could see on the corner of my eye a bouncer a few meters away who didn’t move but he was talking to a thingy on his ear. While he was strangling me about 5 or 6 men came to help me and I recognised one of the men who was a pub staff member as he served me drinks during the night . Those men were adamant I needed to come with them and away from my partner , one of them has mentioned seeing us on cctv this is how they came I’m guessing. I rang my boyfriends mum in hysterics asking her to pick me up I was in a state of absolute shock so I didn’t want to follow them and i insisted on telling them my boyfriend parents were on the way to pick us up .I know it does sound crazy that I left with him . He first apologised then started to push me again a few streets away saying it was my fault, that I ruined the night, made a scene in the street and that he would kill himself if I said anything so I started to walk away and I could hear him running to me so I’m guessing this was my instinct kicking and trying to survive but I pretended to be fine “ ok let’s get to your parents and get some sleep “ When we were in car both his parents were silent and I was just crying while my boyfriend was trying to hold my hand, sometimes nicely but sometimes putting pressure on it as to urge me not to cry in front of his parents. When we got home I went upstairs to fetch my bag as I wanted to go back to my flat ( we live together somewhere else ) he closed the door behind him in his bedroom and tried to tell me to stay and when I said no he put his hands on my neck again saying he won’t help me with the rent etc so his dad came and wrestled him on floor while my boyfriend was saying “ is this what you wanted , alright dad let me say bye to the c*nt ) I don’t know where his mum was. His dad drove me home, I gave most of his clothes and things in bag and told him I was done with it all. That was a shocking assault but sadly it wasn’t the first one. He used to be physically abusive in different ways ( pinning me to the bed and shout in my face, once spat on my face, grabbing me by arms which left bruises, driving dangerously with me in the car to scare me, etc ) one particular bad one was while we were on lockdown so I couldn’t go to work, he wrestled me on the floor and I must have dissociated myself from the situation because I can’t remember exactly what happened, I know he didn’t punch me or slapped me I only remember being on the floor and it lasted only a few seconds. The day after I had two black eyes and marks on my forehead and a big lump on my temple and he prevented me to get seen by a doctor ( I was worried as it was a head injury ) and closed all curtains for 2 weeks to make sure I couldn’t be seen. I took pictures and told his parents ( mine live abroad ) and they said they had to get him sectioned before because he has mental health issues. It it quite clear he suffers from some kind of disorder but it’s not an excuse for all the things he’s done and I know you’re wondering why I stayed. I can only say I loved him blindly, and I wasn’t being realistic about the situation and was a hopeful naive woman . What I’m saying is, his parents knew he assaulted me and I’m not sure if they realise the severity of it because it’s their son or don’t want to face the reality. His dad told me yesterday to block my ex and that I deserved better, he seemed lost for words I don’t know . My friends want me to get the police involved but I’m terrified and I it’s not that I want to protect my ex, but sadly I have to process what happened while grieving my relationship and the whole lie it was and I cannot shut down my feelings yet about him so needless to say I am a mess and I don’t feel like I can deal with the police on top of it all. If anyone been in a similar situation I would please ask for your advice . Thank you

[FindingNeverland1]

And do it right now, before you change your mind. It's serious.

[AbbieFB]

Police. You owe it to yourself. He will do it to someone else if he believes he can get away with it.

[ImaSababa]

Police.

The world would be better off without monsters like him.

[user1493413286]

One of my regrets about my abusive ex is that I didn’t report him to the police. I wish I’d done it so he could have been held to account, to give me more power to keep him away from me and in the hope that it might have offered future partners more protection if they knew he’d at least been arrested for this although I’m sure he’d have talked his way out of it with him. Mainly I wish I’d done it to show him that what he did wasn’t ok and was abusive as I still believe he hasn’t accepted that

[Cheesess]

PLEASE phone the police OP.
He deserves to get what’s coming to him and he is a danger.
He’s out of your life now and please keep it that way. He’s not a good person.
A good person wouldn’t have done those things. He needs consequences for his actions.
And even if you don’t care about yourself, it needs to be reported so if he does it to someone else there’s a history and appropriate steps can be taken.

[Cheesess]

And he won’t kill himself! He’s saying that to control you.
My abusive ex used that one all the time.

[MimosaFields]

If you don't report it, this will end up happening over and over again. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

[JacobReesMogadishu]

Strangling/choking and threats to kill is very, very high up on the list of types of domestic violence which put women in danger of being killed. If he was prepared to do this in public and in a house where His parents were I’d say he’s very dangerous. He runs the risk of killing someone in the future.

Please go to the police. If his parents are right and he has mental health issues this is actually the best way of getting him help as they could see about getting him sectioned if they feel he needs it. His parents knew he’d done similar before and have been unable to stop him. Plus he needs prosecuting for what he’s done to you.

[icelollycraving]

He won’t kill himself, they never do. If he did, then that’s one less shitbag abuser on earth.
I’m so sorry this has happened, however the CCTV is a gift. You have proof. Use it before it gets deleted.

[FaffingForEngland]

Believe me, I know how hard it is to report domestic violence to the police. I did, and my XH went to prison as a result. Many years on, I remain glad that I did, and it probably saved my life.

If you don't feel able to take that step, please do talk to a domestic abuse service such as the one another poster has linked to. They will help you process what has happened and support your decision making.

[Cheesess]

I called the police on my ex for threatening suicide one of the times I tried to break up with him. I didn’t know where he was so I gave his mums address for them to check.
Pretty sure he learnt his lesson not to use suicide as a threat when police kicked down his mothers front door at 3am because he never did it again.

Trust me I know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship when you love them. (It took me a long time.)
But ultimately you need to put yourself first, realise you ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS you are so much better off without this waste of space in your life and you will be so much happier.

[FAQs]

If you call the Police, do so for yourself, you are not responsible for the safety of other woman and should never have that hanging over your head, if he went on to abuse other woman he is the one responsible for that, not you.

It’s worth phoning the Police even if you’re unsure if you wish to support a prosecution, it’ll allow them to gather the evidence and discuss your options.

Has he got access to your flat?

[HotSauceCommittee]

Call the cops or get a friend to do it.
Please make sure you are never alone with him in the flat.

[Gingerkittykat]

Please call the police, they will support you through the process of reporting the abuse.

It's standard for abusers to blame their victims and also threaten to kill themselves. It's his fault and the chances of him killing himself are almost zero.

You can also contact women's aid for advice and support. They will understand the complex feelings you have towards your partner.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

[AnotherEmma]

I wish people would fuck off with the victim blaming on this thread.

There are complex reasons that women choose not to report, and if their abusers go on to abuse other women, that is the responsibility of the abuser, NOT the earlier victim.

Let's encourage OP to report and give her the support she needs to do so without the victim blaming bullshit please.

And if she decides not to report that is her right.

[monkeyonthetable]

He's more likely to kill you than himself.

You must go to the police.

It's very common to be in shock during and straight after an attack and to minimise it. A friend was violently attacked by her husband recently and only called police when A&E staff told her it was the worst case they'd had. She thought it was 'a couple of bruises.' It wasn't.

Please do not allow any man to think that it's OK to beat up women by minimising this.

How would you feel if your dad strangled your mum? Or your partner strangled your child? Horrific? Then it's horrific for him to do this to you, too.

[Seeitsortit]

He won’t kill himself.
He’s more likely to kill you
Or the next girlfriend.

Please report the attack

[icelollycraving]

Op, you are not in any way responsible for him attacking other women in the future, only he is. Only he is responsible for the attacks on you. Please if you can, make him accountable for what he’s done to you. If you don’t feel you can, please get support from a DV specialist service.
Abuse is such a complex situation. People who have never experienced it, don’t and can’t comprehend staying, going back and still even loving the abuser. It didn’t happen overnight, you won’t heal overnight.
Very best of luck to you. Truly.

[AlternativePerspective]

Mental health problems my arse.

Sorry but too many people trot out that one. And let’s be honest, abusers don’t generally change with therapy or if they’re sectioned. If he was mentally ill he would have remorse during his less psycho episodes.

If he kills himself then meh. It won’t be your fault or responsibility, I bet he loves holding that one over you though.

And can posters shut the fuck up about telling the OP that she will feel x or y if he does it to another woman? None of that is the OP’s responsibility. She could report him and he still might do it to another woman, and either way he is the one responsible for being an abusive cunt, not the OP.

OP you should report him so that he can be held to account for what he has done to you

[HollowTalk]

It's not love, it's an addiction.

[Branleuse]

I honestly think this needs to be recorded on his record in case it happens to another woman in the future. This man is a huge danger to women.
I get that this is really traumatic for you though, but if you can find the strength to report then please please do, for the sake of other women as much as for yourself x

[yellowsun]

How horrific for you. You must be in shock.

Please report to the police to protect yourself. They will put a flag on your home address and at work (if needed) so that they will respond quickly if he were to turn up.

You will also be able to access local DV services, which should include counselling and support to make sure that you don’t find yourself in this situation again and can help you notice the signs (e.g freedom project). This is what would happen in my area of the country.

Lots of women go back to their abusers as they are so beaten down - he may come over all loving and try to gaslight you. By reporting and getting support you can protect yourself from this.

Do you have children OP?