I have just left an abusive relationship. My friends are wanting me to get the police involved but I don’t want to. What should I do?

[Lozbreizh]

Hi
Yesterday I got assaulted by my now ex boyfriend. I treated him for a meal out and we had a lovely night but we ended up disagreeing on something, I’ve told him to leave it as were enjoying our night but when we left the pub he assaulted me in the tiny street behind the pub. He pushed me onto the floor and grabbed me by the throat so I slapped him but he got me against another wall and started to strangle me, I couldn’t breathe at all and I could see on the corner of my eye a bouncer a few meters away who didn’t move but he was talking to a thingy on his ear. While he was strangling me about 5 or 6 men came to help me and I recognised one of the men who was a pub staff member as he served me drinks during the night . Those men were adamant I needed to come with them and away from my partner , one of them has mentioned seeing us on cctv this is how they came I’m guessing. I rang my boyfriends mum in hysterics asking her to pick me up I was in a state of absolute shock so I didn’t want to follow them and i insisted on telling them my boyfriend parents were on the way to pick us up .I know it does sound crazy that I left with him . He first apologised then started to push me again a few streets away saying it was my fault, that I ruined the night, made a scene in the street and that he would kill himself if I said anything so I started to walk away and I could hear him running to me so I’m guessing this was my instinct kicking and trying to survive but I pretended to be fine “ ok let’s get to your parents and get some sleep “ When we were in car both his parents were silent and I was just crying while my boyfriend was trying to hold my hand, sometimes nicely but sometimes putting pressure on it as to urge me not to cry in front of his parents. When we got home I went upstairs to fetch my bag as I wanted to go back to my flat ( we live together somewhere else ) he closed the door behind him in his bedroom and tried to tell me to stay and when I said no he put his hands on my neck again saying he won’t help me with the rent etc so his dad came and wrestled him on floor while my boyfriend was saying “ is this what you wanted , alright dad let me say bye to the c*nt ) I don’t know where his mum was. His dad drove me home, I gave most of his clothes and things in bag and told him I was done with it all. That was a shocking assault but sadly it wasn’t the first one. He used to be physically abusive in different ways ( pinning me to the bed and shout in my face, once spat on my face, grabbing me by arms which left bruises, driving dangerously with me in the car to scare me, etc ) one particular bad one was while we were on lockdown so I couldn’t go to work, he wrestled me on the floor and I must have dissociated myself from the situation because I can’t remember exactly what happened, I know he didn’t punch me or slapped me I only remember being on the floor and it lasted only a few seconds. The day after I had two black eyes and marks on my forehead and a big lump on my temple and he prevented me to get seen by a doctor ( I was worried as it was a head injury ) and closed all curtains for 2 weeks to make sure I couldn’t be seen. I took pictures and told his parents ( mine live abroad ) and they said they had to get him sectioned before because he has mental health issues. It it quite clear he suffers from some kind of disorder but it’s not an excuse for all the things he’s done and I know you’re wondering why I stayed. I can only say I loved him blindly, and I wasn’t being realistic about the situation and was a hopeful naive woman . What I’m saying is, his parents knew he assaulted me and I’m not sure if they realise the severity of it because it’s their son or don’t want to face the reality. His dad told me yesterday to block my ex and that I deserved better, he seemed lost for words I don’t know . My friends want me to get the police involved but I’m terrified and I it’s not that I want to protect my ex, but sadly I have to process what happened while grieving my relationship and the whole lie it was and I cannot shut down my feelings yet about him so needless to say I am a mess and I don’t feel like I can deal with the police on top of it all. If anyone been in a similar situation I would please ask for your advice . Thank you

[Palavah]

As PP said, olease take photis now/ ask a friend to help, and write down what haopened. Ilf you (or your friend) calls the police now they will be able to take witness statements from the bouncer and get cctv from the pub. You can share photos of the last time he assaulted you. They will be able to interview the other witnesses. They may be able to build a case without you having to say anything in front of anyone.

He is still a danger to you and to others. If you can bring yourself to report please do.

[toomanyplants]

Please.... watch this
I made a post a few days ago about it.
My son and his girlfriend made this short film to highlight domestic violence and coercive control.
The issue of calling the police is a huge part of this story.
If it makes a difference to even just one person....

www.perceptiontheatre.com/lockeddown

[Lozbreizh]

Thank you for everyone who took the time to reply. I know it’s going to sound incredibly selfish to say but right now I can’t think of future girls getting abused because the truth is I can’t even imagine him with someone else as it hurts me. I have rational feelings ( I know I’m making the right decision and that I’ll never go back to him ) and the ones where I can’t deny that I still love him and I find it extremely hard to deal with this and grieve the relationship . He was talking about us getting married and was strangling me half an hour later . I know it can sound absolutely mental to think I was happy to hear him make plans after all the abuse and that I still miss and love him but I can’t shut down my feelings. I don’t even know how to process it all just yet . I understand everyone who wants me to go to police for a number of reasons but I really can’t face it just yet . I now have to face the ultimatum my sister gave me ( go to police or I’ll tell our parents ) and i can’t deal with the pressure on top of a broken heart and trauma . The fact I told her even makes me regret to have told her .

[TorkTorkBam]

What about it can't you face?

[TorkTorkBam]

What pressure would be created by going to the police?

[Lozbreizh]

@yellowsun

How horrific for you. You must be in shock.

Please report to the police to protect yourself. They will put a flag on your home address and at work (if needed) so that they will respond quickly if he were to turn up.

You will also be able to access local DV services, which should include counselling and support to make sure that you don’t find yourself in this situation again and can help you notice the signs (e.g freedom project). This is what would happen in my area of the country.

Lots of women go back to their abusers as they are so beaten down - he may come over all loving and try to gaslight you. By reporting and getting support you can protect yourself from this.

Do you have children OP?

We don’t have children no. In a way I’m glad I don’t have anything that ties me to him beside the flat. I came back to him before but I know now 100% I won’t this time, I’ve told my friends and my sister and there is ni way back. The reason I know I won’t is because I forgave all the previous abuse and I was the one showering him with love. But I can’t deny that the abuse was getting worse and worse, the fact he attacked me in street makes me think would have happened if it was a home. I now start to fully understand how dangerous it was in first place to let previous things go .

[Lozbreizh]

@TorkTorkBam

What pressure would be created by going to the police?

I don’t want to have to revive it all , and I know that based on the evidence I have there is a chance ( small but still ) that it gets to court and i simply don’t feel strong enough for it all . I just want to unlove him and never see him again if that makes sense.

[mineofuselessinformation]

I suspect that you can't face recognising that he's not the person you love and believe he is. Sorry if I'm wrong.
For all of his 'I want to marry you' claims, think about whether you could truly live your life with someone never knowing when he would next attack you, what you might do that would be his excuse for it, or how he might behave towards you in front of any children you could have had. Is that truly what you want - especially when there are men out there who don't treat women like this?
It's half a life, OP, and not worth it.

My XH was emotionally abusive to me. It was so liberating when I could recognise that his behaviour was not my shame to live with, and that I wasn't the person he made me feel I was, in order to justify his behaviour and how he treated me.

[TorkTorkBam]

You don't have to take it all the way later if you decide that's a bad idea.

The police process will have the effect of speeding up the unloving process.

Your excuses don't really add up. There's something else going on. Is it worry about people knowing? Worry that they find out how much you let him get away with before? Being judged for it?

You can tell the police you are worried about the stress of going through the process. Their domestic violence unit will be well used to women feeling like you. They will want to help.

[TorkTorkBam]

I don’t want to have to revive it all

You were nearly murdered. Your life was saved by the intervention of strangers. You will be reliving this every day for YEARS. It isn't going away. You need access to the right support, the right treatments if you are to avoid reviving this every single day. The healing process can be accelerated but not by pretending it never happened. That will not be effective.

[Lozbreizh]

I’m not sure. I feel a bit too overwhelmed. Maybe a part of me doesn’t want him to be in trouble as I still have feelings while knowing fully he does deserve to be in trouble. The constant contradiction with all those feelings is making me feel awful. And I’m trying hard to think it’s only a year of my life and that I could have been stuck in a violent marriage with children etc but again the contradiction, I still feel upset I won’t be with him. It really feels like a drug. Also I’m a 28 year old woman and I can’t ignore details that may have made me stay with him for so long. I do worry about being alone, I was so happy being settled and make plans. I have been single before and was fully be happy on my own but i didn’t love the ex boyfriend before this one. I know it’s better to feel sad when everyone around you is getting married etc than being married to the wrong person who’s dangerous on top. I know all that and this constant lucidity while the heart is grieving is just soul crushing

[WunWun]

It doesn't just SOUND incredibly selfish... we're talking about people's lives here..

[Lozbreizh]

@TorkTorkBam

I don’t want to have to revive it all

You were nearly murdered. Your life was saved by the intervention of strangers. You will be reliving this every day for YEARS. It isn't going away. You need access to the right support, the right treatments if you are to avoid reviving this every single day. The healing process can be accelerated but not by pretending it never happened. That will not be effective.

I have been in touch with a domestic violence website and they gave me details from my local help shelter and advice in general. I do want to seek therapy as I know I can’t ignore it you’re absolutely right on that

[TorkTorkBam]

The overwhelm is you not wanting to admit this has actually happened I think.

Going to the police makes it real.

Once the police are involved I think your stress levels will reduce dramatically. Everything moves in one direction from that point onwards. You can stop lying and minimising. People will stop hassling you to stop minimising. People will rally round. Getting back together will be a zero possibility too.

[kidsdrivingmemad]

The more people you tell the more support you will have. You have nothing to be embarrassed about or to feel bad for. Imagine you don't go to the police and the next woman isn't so lucky to get away and ends up badly hurt or even worse dead?

[TorkTorkBam]

You are still tied to him by the flat. You will have to see him again. He is likely to hurt you again.

If you go to the police, they will see to it that you can get the flat sorted without having to be anywhere near him.

[MsEllany]

He’s not going to kill himself. He’d rather kill you than anyone else - you, his girlfriend, the person he’s supposed to love above all others.

I agree with your friends. As hard as it might be, I would strongly recommend you go to the police about this. Your shock won’t go away but reporting him to the police will help you put the whole relationship behind you.

[TorkTorkBam]

How about asking your sister to make the initial call to the police for you with your permission?

She's going to call them anyway. They'll view the CCTV and get bystander statements so he is going to get arrested no matter what you do. How about you take a bit of control back and either call the police now yourself or ask her to take the first step with you?

[TorkTorkBam]

Zero police involvement is not one of your options.

Many years ago I was a bystander who was one of several who intervened when a man attacked his girlfriend in public. I don't know if she went to the police but I know I did. I know three others did too.

People saw a man try to murder a woman. They are not going to give a shrug and sleep well at night. Everyone in that place who saw it will be talking to others about it. They will be reliving the horror themselves. It will keep them awake at night. Some will seek therapy.

Remember, most of them won't have normalised violence like you have.

Most of them will be utterly horrified at the idea of him getting away with attempted murder. I have no doubt that several of those people will be contacting the police in the next couple of days if the police haven't been round to take a statement from them. People are decent. They don't like murderers running around freely.

No police is not an option for you. That part is outside of your control. Too many people know. Too many people saw. There is evidence that you don't control. You can't cover it up for him this time. It was too big too public.

[FAQs]

@TorkTorkBam leave the OP alone, she needs time to decide this on her own, she is in shock and hurting.

She doesn’t need a stranger on the Internet attacking her and quite frankly some of the words you’re using is completely unacceptable.

[VenusClapTrap]

Please try to be brave and call the police. I say this as someone whose friend was killed by her partner when she tried to leave him.

[AnotherEmma]

Fuck off with the victim blaming. People are harassing the OP now and it's not OK. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

The OP is in shock and has been conditioned by severe abuse, she can't just flick a switch and turn off her confused feelings.

The OP needs emotional support, she needs specialist support from Women's Aid or similar and she needs counselling. With this support she might feel able to report to the police but if she doesn't THAT'S HER FUCKING DECISION.

Meanwhile you are seriously naive if you think that reporting to the police is going to magically make the OP feel better, it's the right thing to do but it's not easy (emotionally) and it won't make everything go away.

Fucks sake.

[AnotherEmma]

(Ps just to clarify that was not directly at you VenusClapTrap but at other PPs whose posts are out of line)

[FaffingForEngland]

@TorkTorkBam

Zero police involvement is not one of your options.

Many years ago I was a bystander who was one of several who intervened when a man attacked his girlfriend in public. I don't know if she went to the police but I know I did. I know three others did too.

People saw a man try to murder a woman. They are not going to give a shrug and sleep well at night. Everyone in that place who saw it will be talking to others about it. They will be reliving the horror themselves. It will keep them awake at night. Some will seek therapy.

Remember, most of them won't have normalised violence like you have.

Most of them will be utterly horrified at the idea of him getting away with attempted murder. I have no doubt that several of those people will be contacting the police in the next couple of days if the police haven't been round to take a statement from them. People are decent. They don't like murderers running around freely.

No police is not an option for you. That part is outside of your control. Too many people know. Too many people saw. There is evidence that you don't control. You can't cover it up for him this time. It was too big too public.

This is a horrible post. Entirely agree with @FAQs and @20:12AnotherEmma. I hope it gets deleted.

[FaffingForEngland]

Or even @AnotherEmma