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Original poster

Fair way to divide the finances?

29 replies

LionessRoar · 27/08/2020 19:33

Hi, I am aware I may get flamed for this but I have been with my husband for over 15 years and he is a high earner, one of the top 1%. I am a very low earner: have my own business and limited re working out of the home due to health reasons/ disability.
As such, I have always felt guilty about ‘taking’ my husband’s money although we do have a joint account. I don’t use the joint account as it has created friction in the past so I get an ‘allowance’ transferred over each month.
We do not have kids and our outgoings are relatively modest. The money I have to spend (including my wages) adds up to about 5% of our combined income. I try to save but this is hard so I don’t have a lot and I don’t have a pension of my own as I can’t really afford it and he says I don’t need one as his provision is good enough.
Our marriage is good in every other way but I do feel disgruntled about this. I know I prob should just be grateful for a nice roof over my head but I would like to spend/ save without constantly worrying.
With my job, and majority of the housework, I work about 20 hours and he works 30 hours, with maybe 1/2-1 hour of housework (I do rest). What is a fair division of money in this circumstance please? Do you think I’m being a bit of a gold digger, like I sometimes feel, or should I be able to have more money for my own needs?

OP posts:
Useruseruserusee · 27/08/2020 19:35

What does your DH think? I see that you feel guilty about ‘taking’ his money but does he make you feel like that or is it you?

I’m in the opposite situation as the higher earner, although I don’t earn as much as your DH. My husband and I share all the money equally and I have no issue with this at all. I also hope that he doesn’t feel guilty in any way for spending it.

netflixismysidehustle · 27/08/2020 19:37

It depends on the numbers really.

If you're struggling in Primark clothes and getting your hair cut at the cheapest place possible while he wears Armani suits and drives a Porsche then that's massively unfair.

What would happen if you suggested a number? Maybe he has no clue how much things cost?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2020 19:38

How many do you have to spend and what do you have to pay from it? Do you have access to the family savings?

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General money
Parker231 · 27/08/2020 19:41

We are in a marriage - everything is joint. Regardless of salary we both have the same amount of personal money. We both have access to all savings, investments and credit cards.

Original poster
LionessRoar · 27/08/2020 19:41

He says he’s happy for me to have more but wants me to suggest something and I’m not sure. He does make the odd ‘jokey’ comment but the guilt definitely comes from me. We do both have nice cars and not he does spend a lot more on clothes/ hobbies etc and doesn’t feel guilty about that - which he shouldn’t as it is his wage he’s spending.

OP posts:
workshy44 · 27/08/2020 19:43

How much does he earn and how much money do you have a month ?

Parker231 · 27/08/2020 19:43

Suggest 50% of the family money after payment of bills, savings and joint expenses.

Original poster
LionessRoar · 27/08/2020 19:52

I have £600, he earns over £14k per month after tax. About £10k spare after bills, but this doesn’t cover his pension payments which are extra (not sure how much exactly).
From that, I pay out everything I need: so car insurance, clothes, hair, etc. I know it’s a decent amount of money but this month has been expensive with presents and several essential expenses so have been left with nothing spare. He has lots spare, and spends what he wants, including over £50 per month on the lottery

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 27/08/2020 20:00

He has £10k spare per month???!!! Do you have joint savings?

Does he begrudge you spending on you? What is your allowance? It's hard to gauge if he's controlling or your guilt is leading this.

Re the pension, could you get financial advice and pay into a plan?

Original poster
LionessRoar · 27/08/2020 20:05

Yes, 10k spare though some of that has been going on house renovations the last couple of years. No joint savings but says he’s saving for both of us which I believe. It’s my guilt, not him begrudging me spending.

OP posts:
Original poster
LionessRoar · 27/08/2020 20:05

Financial advice is a good idea, thank you

OP posts:
Parker231 · 27/08/2020 20:11

I would suggest converting the savings to joint. Is the house in both names?

workshy44 · 27/08/2020 20:17

So you are essentially living two separate lifestyles. This is insane - I would start raiding the joint account personally. It’s also v b mean on his part. I should know , my dh was the same until I said I would divorce and take half unless things changed. So you have a 20th of his disposable income

NailsNeedDoing · 27/08/2020 20:23

It sounds like he provides well for you and wants to share, you’re on the joint account so he’s not preventing you having access to money. If he'd rather transfer you money just as his preferred way of organising money then I’d go along with that, just ask him to increase your allowance.

Original poster
LionessRoar · 27/08/2020 20:25

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts. I will have a chat with him.

OP posts:
Spiderseason · 27/08/2020 20:27

£50 a month on the lottery and he still hasn't won!

Op this doesn't sound fair to me.

He has 10 grand totally spare?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2020 20:29

Have you ever been able to work full time OP?

10k btw is sickeningly huge! Yes you should be allowed to spend more.

Suzi888 · 27/08/2020 20:31

What about something for a pension pot. You say you don’t have one, you could get a private pension and he increases your allowance?

Original poster
LionessRoar · 27/08/2020 21:07

Yes, I will look at a pension pot. The lack of financial security for myself worries me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LionessRoar · 27/08/2020 21:13

I used to work full time but was unable to manage that and do all the housework (he didn’t do anything at all then). So I dropped down to part time as my health (and our marriage) was suffering.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 27/08/2020 22:20

@LionessRoar
Ps try and negotiate a new car too Wink
Seriously, if you do all the chores or had to at some point so he could pursue his career then I think it’s entirely reasonable to have a pension pot in your name.
Financially do you pay a bill? Like gas /electric anything traceable.
Not trying to be unhelpful but I know from friends that this has been used during arguments and divorces.
I only occasionally buy food myself so I’m guilty of not contributing other than housework. Hmm This post is making me think I should change a few things...

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2020 22:24

Wow he has it easy doesnt he. Keeps all his money to spend as he wishes and does nothing around the house and you feel guilty about asking for money

Original poster
LionessRoar · 28/08/2020 00:08

Suzi888 to be fair I did get a nice car a couple of years ago which I love, so all set there. I don’t have any bills in my name and thinking that’s quite stupid of me now!
Thanks for everyone’s views and advice. I was really nervous about posting as thought i was going to get flamed for not working/ earning enough and being grabby, especially as it’s just the two of us

OP posts:
BackforGood · 28/08/2020 00:18

I'm puzzled as to where all that money is going, or what it is being saved for.
I don't know how old you are, though I see you've been together 15 years.
What are your life plans ?
Do you talk about early retirement? Travel ? Holidays ? Are you saving for a bigger house, or an expensive 'toy' / hobby ?

Putting aside the fact that £10K net, per month is unimaginable to most of us, I can't see why either of you should be budgeting and running out of money before you run out of month, when there must be hundreds of thousands sitting in the bank, doing nothing Confused. It seems bizarre.

Original poster
LionessRoar · 28/08/2020 00:46

Most of the money is being saved for retirement/ general savings. We do plan to travel lots in a few years and take early retirement. Tbh it’s not me doing the majority of the savings and I’m not sure exactly how much there is in savings but yes it will be a lot. He is not a crazy spender himself, though he likes a few treats, so I have no doubt that most of it is being saved.

OP posts: