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Original poster

What is it like having a partner love you?

36 replies

SmileSunStars · 26/08/2020 14:10

Without an agenda. Just because they love YOU. With a pure heart and good intentions. I know what it's like to love - my DC, family, people I work with, etc. I love myself too.

Though I'm not sure I've ever had a partner truly love me. Care, respect, honesty, proper communication, trust, loyalty.

I've never had it. I think I may just resign myself to it never happening. The thing is though, is I know that I am loveable and capable of giving great love. Sometimes I wonder whether love is just an illusion.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 26/08/2020 14:15

I know DP loves me; although we aren’t a traditional couple and it isn’t the all-encompassing I’d-fly-to-the-moon-for-you sort of love they sing about in songs! And I wouldn’t want it to be.

It’s nice. It feels secure. It’s nicer that he’s here (as am I) because he wants to be and values the easy and leisurely sort of love we have rather than because he feels he needs to be and depends on me.

I know nothing of your expectations of love, but mine certainly aren’t what they were when I was much younger. Maybe we all have to review and reconsider what love really means?

Bells3032 · 26/08/2020 14:25

Deff agree with the PP. At the start of my relationship with my now husband i was worried as it wasn't all drama like it was in my previous relationships or like on TV. He was too nice and treated me so respectfully. i complained to my sister he was giving me diabetes with how sweet he was.

It took me a long time to realise that a good relationship isn't passion all the time. it's calming, it's secure, it's comfortable. it is knowing that person is yours and will have your back and that you would do anything for them too.

The sings songs about love kind of love is exhausting and great fires burn out. Find something that sparkles and someone that makes you laughs and who you can just be your complete and open self with without worrying about them judging you. someone you can trust yourself to completely. to me that is real love

listsandbudgets · 26/08/2020 14:30

Honestly, I can't describe it. All I can say is that after 21 years I still feel a sensation of calm dropping over me when DP comes in the room... and even when he's not there I know that if I needed him to he'd drop everything and be there as soon as time and space allow.

Original poster
SmileSunStars · 26/08/2020 14:31

@ComtesseDeSpair Thank you. I guess I am reviewing what love means to me. Co-dependency is not for me. It sounds like you have healthy attachment in your relationship. I think that is what I should be aiming for.

OP posts:
Original poster
SmileSunStars · 26/08/2020 14:46

'Calm and safe'. Thanks. It's not unreasonable to expect those things in a relationship, from both partners.

I look forward to one day walking in the front door and knowing I have a loving and caring partner. And he feels the same.

OP posts:
MrsOldma · 26/08/2020 14:48

Cozy. It’s a cozy, comfy feeling of being at home. We make each other laugh, never forget the little gestures and when we disagree we work it out.

I respect him, as a husband and a father and he does the same for me. We’re a team.

You will find it OP, I’m a firm believer in there being someone for everyone

CorianderLord · 26/08/2020 15:39

It's like having a really close best friend who sleeps in your bed and occasionally makes your fanny flutter. And they do things they don't want to do so you don't have to do them because you don't want to do them either. And they don't want you to have to do things you don't want to do :')

Agree with above - safety, cozy. Like you're in a bubble together and the worlds outside the bubble. Two halves of a whole trundling along in the world secure in each other.

RedRec · 26/08/2020 15:43

@CorianderLord "It's like having a really close best friend who sleeps in your bed and occasionally makes your fanny flutter"

Love this! Relationship goals right there.

tectonicplates · 26/08/2020 15:45

@Bells3032

Deff agree with the PP. At the start of my relationship with my now husband i was worried as it wasn't all drama like it was in my previous relationships or like on TV. He was too nice and treated me so respectfully. i complained to my sister he was giving me diabetes with how sweet he was.

It took me a long time to realise that a good relationship isn't passion all the time. it's calming, it's secure, it's comfortable. it is knowing that person is yours and will have your back and that you would do anything for them too.

The sings songs about love kind of love is exhausting and great fires burn out. Find something that sparkles and someone that makes you laughs and who you can just be your complete and open self with without worrying about them judging you. someone you can trust yourself to completely. to me that is real love

In my experience, drama can actually be a sign of emotional abuse. I don't mean the odd bit of it, I mean most couples argue from time to time, but if there's that much drama then something's wrong.

A truly loving relationship, as other people have mentioned, is calm. But it's naturally calm. Yes, you have to talk things through and establish boundaries and stuff, but if you have to "work at your marriage" that much then that's not good. When your partner really loves you, it's calm because it naturally just is, rather than having been artificially created, if that makes sense.

Oly4 · 26/08/2020 15:51

I’d agree that it’s safe, feels secure and cozy, it is easy to get along and you just like each other.
It’s not all bells and whistles and constant passion

CorianderLord · 26/08/2020 15:54

And yes, my sister was always in the burning fires, raze the earth to get to you kind of relationships. They've all ended in abuse, infidelity or heartbreak. There's a reason stories end when the couple get together.

Some relationships like this probably work great, but I think most settle into the 'home is where you are' strain.

GunsAndShips · 26/08/2020 15:55

It simply is. I cant describe it. It's a constant I suppose. It's reliable and solid and dependable. It's a joint investment in something. We both fight for it, nurture it, lean on it, sometimes take it for granted. It just feels like a safety net I suppose.

No hearts, flowers and drama. I feel known. Does that make sense? Recognised? Fitted into somebody else's world irrevocably. And he into mine. Same as I feel about my home but in human form.

I'm not romantic at all and it can't be expressed by Hallmark or through the medium of a love song. It really is just reliable.

FizzyPink · 26/08/2020 15:59

These responses are really interesting and seem totally different to the replies on the thread yesterday about how quickly you said I love you.

I suggested on that thread that if you said I love you in a matter of days then it’s really lust and I don’t believe you can love someone without knowing them. I’d agree with pp that’s it’s a much calmer feeling than that initial excitement and there’s a lot to be said for having that dependable, safe feeling kind of love.

Personally for me it’s when DP suggests we visit my family who while lovely are crazily full on and loud and previous boyfriends have actually broken up with me after a weekend with them. I know DP doesn’t love the long drive or the fact that we talk and talk for hours about funny anecdotes that he’s probably heard a million times by now but he does it because he knows it makes me happy

Original poster
SmileSunStars · 26/08/2020 16:01

Oh, I do like these replies! Especially the best friend bit. A feeling of home. Working and moving together in this world, making sure we both feel safe, calm and cared for.

I'm so glad I posted this. It's truly heart warming and reassuring.

OP posts:
GunsAndShips · 26/08/2020 16:04

My DH told me he loved me after 3 weeks. He's far more romantic and excitable than I am. I don't doubt he meant it actually. But that's love as a feeling not love the thing you do. I think there's a difference. He says he still feels exactly the same way but that's only one part of the picture these days. After 21 years, it has deeper foundations with shared experience and commitment to the future.

tectonicplates · 26/08/2020 16:59

I suggested on that thread that if you said I love you in a matter of days then it’s really lust and I don’t believe you can love someone without knowing them. I’d agree with pp that’s it’s a much calmer feeling than that initial excitement and there’s a lot to be said for having that dependable, safe feeling kind of love.

Falling in "love" within a matter of days is a sign of emotional abuse in my opinion. Abusers tend to swoop in and "love bomb" you and quickly put you through lots of highs and lows, so you can't think properly because you're constantly on an emotional rollercoaster. Real love is a "gentle and manageable" high where you can still just about think straight. If you feel sick to the point where you can't concentrate, that's a bad sign.

grey12 · 26/08/2020 17:04

I know DH loves me and will always be faithful. And that makes me comfortable and happy.

The idea that they love you unconditionally and wtv.... don't know.... living with someone you always get annoyed with their flaws.

Original poster
SmileSunStars · 26/08/2020 18:27

Bumping because I want to hear more enduring stories of real love. And I believe there are.

OP posts:
TheNavigator · 26/08/2020 18:33

My DH is my safe space, when I am anxious or uptight, just laying a hand on his big, calm body drops my heart rate and I can think more clearly. I am braver when he is beside me. It has been like this from the first night we spent together, over 30 years ago. After shitty, silly relationships with wanky blokes, he was like a beacon of decency and kindness. He still is.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 26/08/2020 18:34

I've been with my DH since we were 21, so 36 years.

As a PP said, it's the feeling of calm when he gets in the door. I'm always so glad to see him, and just have a wee hug hello. He's totally got my back, will listen to me and offer suggestions if there's something worrying me, but won't tell me what to do.

It's just lovely having someone to snuggle with, we still hold hands when we're out, can't ever see us being any different.

LunaNorth · 26/08/2020 18:35

Like being held in a soft, warm hand.

bobblesandbows · 26/08/2020 18:38

Having someone accept you for who you are. You don't have to pretend. And they are your best friend. We have each others' backs. We talk. If there is a problem we talk it out. And we listen to each other. We are a team and always have been. We are kind to each other and try to think about what will make the other person happy.

And he brings me a lovely cup of tea in bed on a Saturday morning!

unmarkedbythat · 26/08/2020 18:39

I used to feel really loved by my DH. Like I was good enough. Like I mattered. Like he respected and liked and enjoyed and admired me, like I was beautiful and exactly what he wanted. It was a curious mixture of safety and excitement.

GoldenGumballs · 26/08/2020 18:45

He adores the floor I walk on & vice versa. I hated myself when we met and he’s taught me that I can be loved and I now respect myself. I walk all over him but he can stop me with one look when it matters. Total respect, total equality. 23 years gone I hope we have 23+ more.

corythatwas · 26/08/2020 18:51

It's not having to look round to know that he's at my shoulder, that we're pulling together.