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Original poster

How quick is too quick after losing a partner to date again?

31 replies

HeidiHoNeighbour · 24/08/2020 22:29

Admittedly this came to mind because of the Lewis Burton story in the papers.
He is on holiday with a new partner and Caroline Flacks mum is not happy.

She died in February.

Is he supposed to never have another relationship?
Should he wait a year? Two?

My aunt moved her partner in to her house a month after my uncles funeral.
It’s weird but she is happy and so are her (grown) children.

Nigella Lawson didn’t take too long to marry after losing her husband.

How long would you wait?

OP posts:

toomanyspiderplants · 24/08/2020 22:39

There is no right answer.

pandafunfactory · 25/08/2020 12:56

Before the funeral. Otherwise crack on!

worriedmama1980 · 25/08/2020 13:05

I think it depends on so much - the length of the relationship, whether there are children involved, etc etc.

I also think there's a difference between dating and moving in. Moving someone into your house a month after the funeral - honestly I think that's astonishingly disrespectful.

I think for someone's own ability to process and grieve not entering into a serious relationship for 6 months/a year seems like a sensible benchmark after a big loss of a husband of many years, but equally I know where someone has been sick for a long time and the loss has been expected that can sometimes be processed more quickly.

I do think people need to be outwardly respectful when there are children involved: I have friends whose father moved on with a family friend very soon after their mother passed away. It caused huge needless upset that has gone on for years, if he had waited longer before moving in they would absolutely have been happy for him, but because of the way it was done it gave the impression he had been having an affair with this woman while his wife was ill and whether he had or not, they were really hurt for their late mother he didn't seem to care about that. Equally I think Nigella Lawson's explanation that she remarried relatively quickly rather than dating for years because its easier for children to understand where they stand when everyone had a defined role like a step-parent makes some sense.

SionnachRua · 25/08/2020 13:14

There's no right or wrong answer to this, so many variables (length of relationship, how strong it was, children...). I totally get why the mum is upset and I'm reluctant to say she's wrong - that's her baby that died, after all - but he isn't wrong to date again either. At all. Just a situation that's horrible for everyone involved.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 25/08/2020 13:20

Was he really a 'partner', though? She'd been dating him, he was much younger than she. It's a sad case but they weren't living together or had a child together or married or even together that long.

ilikebooksandplants · 25/08/2020 15:06

I always thought this quite odd about the whole situation as well. If I remember correctly, they’d only been dating a short amount of time when she allegedly assaulted him. This seems to make the whole incident, and subsequent events even sadder in my opinion. If he did cheat on her in such a short relationship, both should have walked away unscathed - it was hardly like they’d been married 25 years. None of it should have mattered at this point.

I don’t blame him for dating again. Her mum should leave him alone to move on with his life.

I feel desperately sorry for all involved.

Chasingsquirrels · 25/08/2020 15:22

Whatever works for the individuals involved, paying due consideration to the feelings of any children involved and being respectful to wider family while not allowing their feelings on the matter to dictate your life. Equally they need to be respectful of you carrying on with your life.

I was on OLD very quickly, although more window shopping / browsing without a profile of my own. I got more serious about it after about 10 months and met DP about 14 months after late-DH died.

Diverseduvet · 25/08/2020 15:29

I don't think Caroline Flacks mum should be publicly saying she's unhappy that Lewis is moving on. Although dreadfully sad Caroline did chose to leave, so I think Lewis should be able to do what he wants, when he wants.

MrsOldma · 25/08/2020 15:32

It’s a personal choice and no ones business. You don’t know what’s gone on in any relationship. If there’s been a period of Illness sometimes grieving can start when the person is still alive.

Even if you think something is too quick until you’re in that situation how do you know?

Grobagsforever · 25/08/2020 15:38

Only the widow/er's opinion and any children involved is relevant, everyone else isn't remotely entitled to an opinion.

(Widowed at 33 here, waited a year, didn't ask or allow anyone else's opinion)

Colinthedaxi · 25/08/2020 19:58

Widowed at 39 here, waited three years but actually a previous poster has reminded me I was also browsing online quickly. I know people who were dating within the fortnight and people who have never dated again, everyone is different. I do see a lot of people who leap into relationships while still absolutely in the depths of grief and personally I don't think that is healthy but that's just my opinion.

Sophoa · 26/08/2020 08:38

There is no set time as there are so many variables around the situation. A sudden unexpected death is very different to a long illness where the widow may have processed much of the grief before the death. Equally, it may also depend on the state of the relationship before the death. One can’t judge.

I lost my husband a year ago and have been seeing someone, also widowed, since early on. My children only recently know he exists. His still don’t know. It’s a friendship built on mutual grief, loneliness and sexual attraction which is growing very slowly into something more.

Moving a new partner in or blending families quickly after bereavement isn’t for me and never will be but looking for companionship and a bit more as soon as you want to - crack on

897654321abcvrufhfgg · 26/08/2020 08:48

It’s a personal thing. I do feel so sorry for Caroline’s mum but she is out of order posting that “ this relationship killed her” . CF obviously had a lot of MH issues from way before she met Lewis Burton. They had only been together a short while.

897654321abcvrufhfgg · 26/08/2020 08:49

My understanding is also that grief is what brought them ( Lewis and Lottie) both together which is very common with relationships after a death.

Sophoa · 26/08/2020 08:51

My understanding is also that grief is what brought them ( Lewis and Lottie) both together which is very common with relationships after a death.

Totally agree. When you’re bereaved there is much comfort in being with people who get it. He lost Caroline to suicide. Lottie lost her sister to suicide and her mum to cancer. Their being drawn to one another makes so much sense. I hope that it is helping his grieving.

Sophoa · 26/08/2020 08:54

Sorry lottie’s sister died from an accidental drug overdose not suicide but a massive tragedy

AlwaysLatte · 26/08/2020 08:56

I waited almost exactly a year, it didn't feel right before that (for me, anyway).

zigaziga · 26/08/2020 09:12

I do feel sorry for Caroline Flack’s Mother. A relationship happening in the public eye is different and photos of them embracing on holiday in beachware is something she probably doesn’t want to see. Also I suppose in her head the death of her daughter is completely intertwined with that relationship.

It doesn’t mean that she’s right, just that I do feel sorry for her.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 26/08/2020 09:14

@897654321abcvrufhfgg

This.

EL8888 · 26/08/2020 09:16

@Grobagsforever exactly, no one else’s business

GreyPaw · 26/08/2020 09:54

After being widowed I learned quite quickly that some people think six months is too quick, other people think two years is too quick, others think five years is too quick. I did notice that the people making these judgements tended to be the ones tucking happily into bed with their life partner at the end of the day.

My friend encouraged me to go online dating seven months after my husband died, just because I said I fancied going out on New Year's Eve to some kind of party with some kind of plus one. After all the hell of bereavement, trauma, post mortem, inquest, probate, relatives coming out of the woodwork to sue the estate, I wanted a bit of shine in my life, just a bit of fun, sparkle and excitement for the in-between bits. Not because I've got over things, but because in among the utter shit it felt like a blessed relief to have some fun. Yeah you can do that in other ways, but in my experience you're still doing it as 'the widow' and it can be really REALLY nice to pack that all away for a segment of your life.

I'm now in a new relationship with an ex I'd dated before I met my husband. I know I'm being judged by many people because I didn't wait long enough - we started dating nine months after my husband died.

Thisbastardcomputer · 26/08/2020 09:55

I've known a couple of men move on very quickly:-

Early eighties, wife died in November (long marriage) he'd moved in with another woman by New Year.

60 he was seeing someone else and walking around with arms around her and street kissing after two weeks. Again long marriage.

Extremely disrespectful

WhoEatsPopTarts · 26/08/2020 10:12

My friend’s husband started dating within weeks of her dying and I found it hard to see how excited he was about the new relationship. However I also knew that it was none of my business and that I had no idea how it felt to be him so I didn’t tell him how I felt. Him leaving their 10 & 16 year olds overnight with no adult while he stayed with his girlfriend wasn’t right imo but he felt it was ok. I continued to support him via calls/texts, we’re not in the same country, but just couldn’t say yes when he wanted to bring her on a visit. I couldn’t cope with it so soon, when it was our happy marriages that my friend and I had bonded over in the first place. Friends husband is now married and by all accounts very happy, which is great but sadly our friendship has drifted.

diplodocusinermine · 26/08/2020 10:21

Think it's up to the individual concerned. Have noticed it is often men who seem to be able to move on quite rapidly though, and the people who seem to mourn in the most public way - MIL who railed against FIL's death (He was the love of my life - I'll never marry again etc etc) was dating within 3 months and married again within a year.

None of the family had an issue with this, and he was a genuinely lovely man, plus MIL was only in her early 50s when she was widowed, but it was the raging grief, the tears, the anguish following her DH's death, then the rapid moving on that seemed, well, a bit odd.

Sophoa · 26/08/2020 10:39

I think it’s important to understand that grief doesn’t finish when you start to see someone new, it co-exists. In my case my husband had terminal cancer for 3 years. I would say that my acute grief was in the months following his diagnosis. His death brought a sense of peace and a realisation that I could start to live a life again. The man I am seeing had the same experience but over a much longer period of time.

Our relationship is very under the radar and we have kept it as private as possible - no overnight stays, no family events as a couple. The people who know about it are thrilled for us. And I genuinely believe that. However, there will be people who judge, unless you have walked in our shoes you just don’t know.

All I can say is that my morning texts and chat, my goodnight texts and chat and anything which we text or chat during the day makes a dark time so much more manageable and brings some joy and hope back into my life. What can be wrong with that?

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