Different cultures?

[Anon247]

I have a couple of Asian friends who are lovely people. I enjoy their company apart from the constant reminder of how much money things costs. My friends do not know one another, so I spend time with them separately. There are 2 common threads...they are both Indian and they always take pleasure in telling me the price of their buys. The constant talk of money makes me feel uncomfortable, and I am querying whether they both feel that I am “beneath” them in the social class divide.

Can anyone enlighten me? Is this a culture thing and Indians talk about their wealth a lot or is there a message for me from both people?

I had a very small wedding, it was considered very bad manners. I gave not one single fuck because we were paying for it so no one had a choice in the matter. Believe me I had to find my inner bitch very quickly when organising that and tell them all to back off.

I go out for dinner when I can afford it which is not very often as we are broke mostly. But I refuse to go out for dinner with those who play the silly games about paying. Pay your own way or don't go is how I see it (except with FIL, he pays for us if he invites us and we pay for him if we invite him) always being that way and everyone knows before they go out.

I also only asked once if you want a cuppa, if you say no you don't get one. My family soon learned to say yes, all this crap about refusing the first couple of times to be polite. Yes or no, SIMPLE.

And I find they only talk about money when it is a bargain, if it is anything expensive it is hush hush as you don't want to be seen to be doing too well and "forgetting where you come from" but you must fight in a restaurant/cafe to pay the bill to show you can afford it. It is messed up .

Dancing Apologies. India has been mentioned on this thread a lot and I obviously did not read your post correctly.

I also only asked once if you want a cuppa, if you say no you don't get one. My family soon learned to say yes, all this crap about refusing the first couple of times to be polite. Yes or no, SIMPLE

Ha ha. I've had a few surprised looks when I say yes to food or drink the first time because I was totally unaware that you were supposed to say no until pressed. I was obviously very badly brought up.

And the opposite side of that is that I am asked repeatedly do I want something because no matter how many times I say no they think I am being polite. I am not that polite, I usually have to remind them I am a full grown adult and if I wanted something I would ask for it or go put the kettle on myself.

@BarbaraofSeville not from India but from Singapore.

Yes people do complain about being expected to pay $300-500 per person (£150-200) for a wedding dinner (you are expected to cover the cost of the meal) and Chinese wedding dinners are always at 4&5 star hotels and have a 12 course Chinese banquet so it's not cheap. The wedding package are generally catered for 300 people. For my own wedding, as I live in UK and haven't kept in contact much with people in Singapore, I wanted a small wedding of 50 people ( just my immediate family) and it was a PITA to find a package that catered for that small number of people and met my parent's expectations in terms of food and venue quality-5 start hotel and banquet style food. Most Asian parents expect big weddings- they feel it is a milestone and an achievement on their part to raise a child and for their child to get married.

However it is unrealistic to expect a young couple to pay for all that themselves so we give gifts that cover the cost of our meal. It is normal to invite your whole department for weddings, so it can be annoying to talk to some guy at the water cooler and then find his wedding invitation in the post to you a few weeks later. But then again when you get married, you can track down that guy and send him an invite so he can pay for your wedding muahaha.

As far as I can see, the British will happily talk about money, the "no-no" is discussing it outside one's own class and, depending on sensitivity, family.

In other words gossip discussion about others is fine (within class), chatting directly to each other about your own/the other person's own inheritance, property value, net worth = not fine, asking/talking about money outside of class = fraught Mumnset thread will be started. Envy, humiliation, judgment, angst, 40 pages of hot debate ensues. 🔥 😂

I lived in the Netherlands for a few years and noticed a definite cultural difference there in how they discuss money and how much things cost.

Admitting that you paid a penny more for something than you absolutely had to or bought some luxury item that was not "a bargain" is met with a kind of eye widening horror. Like you just said you ate puppies for breakfast!

Definitely cultural. I'm SE Asian (not Indian- even though I look it) and had to distance myself from my NCT group because the Indian couples were very materialistic and always talking about buying this, that or the other and the cost of things. It got tedious. Sadly, I did find them judgey and didn't want to feel shit over my choice to buy something secondhand, so parted ways! I've found the obsession with money mostly comes from those whose parents came to this country with 'nothing' or at few pounds' and who slowly made it it big by scrimping and saving. The next generation had/has is much easier financially but that focus on money that their parents had still remains in them.

I also agree with a pp that Asian people generally love a bargain (nothing is fixed price in the subcontinent and shopkeepers are unscrupulous) so when one is able to get a good deal, it's a cause celebre!

[quote DancingCatGif]@BarbaraofSeville

Also you pay for the wedding in order to get the money back at your own wedding or your children's weddings. My husband has a spreadsheet of how much people gave us and when he is invited to someone's wedding he consults the spreadsheet and gives them back the same amount.

This is 100% normal. As is the revolving 100 dollar gift that everyone in his family gets for every birthday. We just keep it in an envelope and give it back the next birthday.[/quote]

Same here, gifting people money on their wedding helps pay for the event so we don't buy boxed gifts but offer hard cash in envelopes. However, in my specific culture/community, if someone gave you £50 at your wedding, you give them £60 at theirs. When you have a baby, they give you more than you gave them at their wedding and so on and so forth. To match their cash amount would be deemed offensive because it suggests you don't want the friendship to progress. Yes, it's shit and a form of control and I don't partake in it anymore. I give a token amount to everyone whether it's a birthday/wedding or whatever.

@Mawi

I had a very small wedding, it was considered very bad manners. I gave not one single fuck because we were paying for it so no one had a choice in the matter. Believe me I had to find my inner bitch very quickly when organising that and tell them all to back off.

I go out for dinner when I can afford it which is not very often as we are broke mostly. But I refuse to go out for dinner with those who play the silly games about paying. Pay your own way or don't go is how I see it (except with FIL, he pays for us if he invites us and we pay for him if we invite him) always being that way and everyone knows before they go out.

I also only asked once if you want a cuppa, if you say no you don't get one. My family soon learned to say yes, all this crap about refusing the first couple of times to be polite. Yes or no, SIMPLE.

And I find they only talk about money when it is a bargain, if it is anything expensive it is hush hush as you don't want to be seen to be doing too well and "forgetting where you come from" but you must fight in a restaurant/cafe to pay the bill to show you can afford it. It is messed up .

You sound like my kinda person- love it!

@titnomatani
😊You sound like my kinda person- love it!

Thank you!

My family and his, except some of the younger members, are exasperated by me/us because we are "different". In other words we don't give a shiny shit about old fashioned and outdated ideas that our parents and a lot of family members including some of our siblings have.

The horror my MIL has that I shop in charity shops is hilarious as that is a sign we are poor. We are poor so why do I have to pretend we are not. My dc have the most amazing clothes that they find in charity shops and then refurbish themselves.

I'm not sure what you mean about they talk about money.
So you mean they talk about how much some clothes/ curtains/ soft finishing or dishes cost.
My mum does this she likes to go shopping if she sees something that she thinks is a bargain she rings rounds all her friends and before you know it they have all bought some. But it's just usually boasting about bargains she has found.

@Rudolphian
By talking about money, I mean they tell me how expensive their house and furnishings are, how much their holidays cost, the cost of meals in posh restaurants, how their friends from high places are doing, how much they spend on their children’s prom etc.

I have now concluded from this thread that it is a cultural difference and nothing more....well, we are all different aren’t we?

I feel like there's a big difference in talking about a bargain and boasting about how wealthy you are. Obviously if someone only ever talked about how Che o things were it would get dull. But in general it's not about showing how rich and successful you are. However if somone constantly mentions how much their house cost, what their family earn and how much they spend on luxurys, its clearly a boasting thing.

Perhaps this is more common in some classes and cultures than others. But I wouldn't like it because it would make me feel like they were ways trying to prove they were better than me.

Even if the people doing it aren't actually giving it much thought and it is a bit of a natural way of speaking.

How interesting @PicsInRed. I think you have nailed it.