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Original poster

Different cultures?

65 replies

Anon247 · 24/08/2020 09:17

I have a couple of Asian friends who are lovely people. I enjoy their company apart from the constant reminder of how much money things costs. My friends do not know one another, so I spend time with them separately. There are 2 common threads...they are both Indian and they always take pleasure in telling me the price of their buys. The constant talk of money makes me feel uncomfortable, and I am querying whether they both feel that I am “beneath” them in the social class divide.

Can anyone enlighten me? Is this a culture thing and Indians talk about their wealth a lot or is there a message for me from both people?

OP posts:
DancingCatGif · 24/08/2020 11:10

If I got a bargain, I tell people too.

That's pretty common for most British people I know.

BarbaraofSeville · 24/08/2020 11:10

They are extremely generous with meals when people visit and also there is an argument over who pays the bill when people go out together (everyone wants to pay)

I never understand the practicalities of this (also Asian weddings with hundreds of guests and high value cash gifts). Surely many genuinely cannot afford to participate and then what do they do?

What if paying the restaurant bill means that you won't be able to pay for essentials for the next few days/weeks? Would you not go to a close relative's wedding if you couldn't afford to give them the typical gift of a couple of hundred euros if you're Irish? Or do most people manage to have this sort of money available?

I'm asking this question out of curiosity, I've tried asking before and it's been deleted because apparently it's racist to ask Confused.

CorianderLord · 24/08/2020 11:12

We talk about how cheap we've bought certain things for in Yorkshire. No idea why but if someone says they like something I can't not say 'oh, thanks, it was only a tenner from Sainsburys'.

It's self-depreciating so you don't seem uppity and also shows you got a good deal.

Idk, could be similar to that.

DancingCatGif · 24/08/2020 11:13

@BarbaraofSeville

My husband is Asian and if you get invited to a wedding there, you have to pay whether you go or not.

Everyone paying for bills together- if you can't, you just kind of fall out of that friendship group.

But yes, people will scrimp on essentials to go out and spend money on meals and stuff.

People have big cars but live in a shit flat.

It seemed weird to me at first, now it seems totally normal. It's just a different set of priorities and the British habit of pretending that appearances don't matter is actually weirder and more grating to me.

SerendipityJane · 24/08/2020 11:14

@ImaSababa

In my experience, it's more common to talk about money and the prices of things in a haggling culture. When you can actively bargain over a price, it creates an immediate point of interest/conversation. Not like spending the £2.99 it said on the label!
Compare and contrast with the recent thread about discussing salaries .....
DancingCatGif · 24/08/2020 11:16

@BarbaraofSeville

Also you pay for the wedding in order to get the money back at your own wedding or your children's weddings. My husband has a spreadsheet of how much people gave us and when he is invited to someone's wedding he consults the spreadsheet and gives them back the same amount.

This is 100% normal. As is the revolving 100 dollar gift that everyone in his family gets for every birthday. We just keep it in an envelope and give it back the next birthday.

CorianderLord · 24/08/2020 11:18

@DancingCatGif but then that's not a gift at all if nobody spends it...

Camomila · 24/08/2020 11:19

Compare and contrast with the recent thread about discussing salaries .....

That sounds like it would have been a fun thread, personally I have no problem discussing mine and DHs (completely average) salaries, but I'm not English.

DancingCatGif · 24/08/2020 11:21

@CorianderLord I never said it made sense, I just said it's what they do

m0therofdragons · 24/08/2020 11:22

I’ve dropped a friend (white middle class but from working class upbringing - her description). The constant one upman ship was exhausting, telling me she earned so well clearly expecting me to ask how much. I never rose to it or asked (brought up that talk of salaries is rude). Eventually she couldn’t take anymore and told me what she and her dh earned. Her house cost more than mine etc etc. The reality is that dh and I earn more but I didn’t see the point of telling her that so let her carry on boasting. I don’t think it’s necessarily cultural but it’s a sign of insecurity.

SerendipityJane · 24/08/2020 11:23

@Camomila

Compare and contrast with the recent thread about discussing salaries .....

That sounds like it would have been a fun thread, personally I have no problem discussing mine and DHs (completely average) salaries, but I'm not English.

Oh, it is Smile

I advanced the notion that a culture of "not talking about salary" only benefits the patriarchy and serves to ensure women can be paid less.

TheVanguardSix · 24/08/2020 11:28

My Irish mother and aunts could teach souk merchants to haggle! No shame. Grin
On the contrary, I was taught to never ask personal financial questions. That was a no-fly zone. But that's just respect, isn't it?
I have a lot of Asian friends here in London. I have to say, we never talk about money. We talk about our dogs, our kids, property, politics, our dysfunctional mothers (our old school mothers with old school expectations of their first generations British/American daughters. I really relate to this, being the daughter of a very traditional Irish mother who was born in 1935 and practically raised in a convent).

CherryPavlova · 24/08/2020 11:37

@SerendipityJane Less about me wanting to be seen to be reporting and more about being open and transparent. I would want the person to know why I had reported their post.

waltzingparrot · 24/08/2020 11:39

I have a Russian friend that always does this. Money and status. She's middle aged and OLD so every potential boyfriend is described by his occupation, salary position and house size/location. She's told me that their history of famine/poverty is in the psyche and it makes it important.

SerendipityJane · 24/08/2020 11:40

[quote CherryPavlova]@SerendipityJane Less about me wanting to be seen to be reporting and more about being open and transparent. I would want the person to know why I had reported their post.[/quote]
What post ? Is it still there ?

Camomila · 24/08/2020 11:41

I advanced the notion that a culture of "not talking about salary" only benefits the patriarchy and serves to ensure women can be paid less.

Definitely. I think women probably do talk about it more with each other though, me and my friends have all had the "work plus childcare costs" convo.

ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress · 24/08/2020 11:43

My Mum did that. (Nottingham)
My husband does it (Italian)

Just to add to the anecdota Wink

Mawi · 24/08/2020 11:44

@BarbaraofSeville

They are extremely generous with meals when people visit and also there is an argument over who pays the bill when people go out together (everyone wants to pay)

I never understand the practicalities of this (also Asian weddings with hundreds of guests and high value cash gifts). Surely many genuinely cannot afford to participate and then what do they do?

What if paying the restaurant bill means that you won't be able to pay for essentials for the next few days/weeks? Would you not go to a close relative's wedding if you couldn't afford to give them the typical gift of a couple of hundred euros if you're Irish? Or do most people manage to have this sort of money available?

I'm asking this question out of curiosity, I've tried asking before and it's been deleted because apparently it's racist to ask Confused.

I am Irish. I never give anyone a couple of hundred euro unless it is a sibling. A friend/cousin gets approx €70-€100, very close friend approx €120/150. And that's from both of us. If they love me enough to want me there then it should not be about how much I give them. But I am not stereotypical within my family. They worry about what will people think, I don't. If I am invited to a wedding and am not going I decline and do not buy a present. Why would I? I do not go out for dinner that will leave us short of cash. So we rarely go out for dinner. If I am with family and they argue over who pays the bill (even if we go for coffee) I walk away and let them pay it but tell them afterwards that I won't go out with them again if they continue that nonsense. I even have some of the older members of my family to agree to a kitty for lunches etc when they go away for a weekend so everyone is spending the same and more importantly they are not arguing in public. But I was brought up to never tell anyone that we were broke so we would have visitors and all the money would be spent on them because we couldn't dare actually be honest with family staying in our home and then we as children suffered for it for weeks after as the shopping or heating was reduced drastically to make up for it. I won't do this to my DC. I find the arguing over paying for the bill so embarrassing for my family as none of them can afford it. If I go out for dinner now it is agreed in advance that we split the bill, either 50/50 or just for paying what you eat/drink individually.
GrumpyHoonMain · 24/08/2020 11:47

@Anon247

I have a couple of Asian friends who are lovely people. I enjoy their company apart from the constant reminder of how much money things costs. My friends do not know one another, so I spend time with them separately. There are 2 common threads...they are both Indian and they always take pleasure in telling me the price of their buys. The constant talk of money makes me feel uncomfortable, and I am querying whether they both feel that I am “beneath” them in the social class divide.

Can anyone enlighten me? Is this a culture thing and Indians talk about their wealth a lot or is there a message for me from both people?

Indian / Pakistani / Bangladeshi people do talk more openly about money -but it’s no different really to how Americans do it. In India how much you earn is often used as a filter for friendship - because of the way the reciperocity of gift giving / invitations work, people tend to prefer to be friends with people who earn around the same as them.
TrickyD · 24/08/2020 11:52

SerendipityJane, I think that Cherrypavlova, aka The Thread Police is referring to the opening post.

Original poster
Anon247 · 24/08/2020 11:53

MN is suppose to be a place where we can obtain knowledge, advice and understanding.

Uber sensitive people should be aware that one can get offended without reading anything offensive. Please do not take posts that way.

Most people want harmony, we want to like and be liked .....we can only get there If we understand each other. We should be open and honest with each other and not take things personally, otherwise being offended will be a National pastime.

OP posts:
DancingCatGif · 24/08/2020 11:57

@CherryPavlova if that was your intention, you would have sent her a pm

SerendipityJane · 24/08/2020 12:01

@TrickyD

SerendipityJane, I think that Cherrypavlova, aka The Thread Police is referring to the opening post.
I know. My point was it's still there.

Personally if I report a post, no one needs know I've done it. MNHQ are the final arbiters, not me.

Usually I just smile when I see a post "reported". The only reason I commented was I was posting anyway.

BarbaraofSeville · 24/08/2020 12:03

Thank you Mawi That's the sort of thing that I was thinking about and I think it's great that you are being open with friends and family about what you can afford and try to use practical solutions that mean that people aren't spending money they don't have to keep up a culture that harms them, as in the family having to cut back on food and heating to make up for pay a group bill. But it is a shame that you don't feel able to go out to dinner with friends in case you end up picking up the tab, because it's not the done thing to just pay your own share.

And I agree with you about not sending a gift if you don't go to a wedding, although it's interesting that DancingCat says that in India, if you are invited to a wedding, you send a gift whether you go or not.

I'm now wondering if there's people complaining on the Indian version of Mumsnet about being annoyed about being invited to a wedding of someone they have only a tenuous relationship with because now they're obliged to give them a gift even though they don't want to/can't afford it, because lets face it, if you've invited hundreds of people to your wedding, you're not close to all of them.

Just thinking about how Mumsnet views weddings in general with the dislike of cash gifts and large expensive weddings shows how differently things are done. It is probably considered very bad manners in India to have a very small wedding with just immediate family even if that's what you want to do?

DancingCatGif · 24/08/2020 12:08

"And I agree with you about not sending a gift if you don't go to a wedding, although it's interesting that DancingCat says that in India, if you are invited to a wedding, you send a gift whether you go or not."

I didn't say India, I said Asia