In shock. Unexpected pregnancy!!! Don’t know what to do

[Surprisedlai]

I am posting here as I’ve just spent most of the day reading threads on here and they’ve been such a help but I felt like I needed to make my own so I can write down my mixed emotions and hopefully get some specific advice!

I’m 26 and in a ltr with my partner but we don’t live together yet, we’re very happy. We recently slept together and got carried away so I took the pill the next day (And please be kind, I know we were stupid) but I thought all was well. It wasn’t until yesterday after feeling so much tireder than normal that I realised I was late. Ordered a pack of 3 pregnancy tests which came this morning (the first time I’ve ever taken them!) and thought I’d just be taking them as a formality but all three came back positive. I’m literally stunned and in shock. Was hoping for a family one day but this feels so soon, finally in a job that I love and feel like my boyfriend won’t be happy with the news and know what he’ll say. Was supposed to meet him for lunch but I cancelled. But I’m also so happy and feel so emotional and strangely excited! I have literally no idea what I should be doing right now. Who do I talk to or what should I be doing? My minds all over the place!

I don't really have any advice based on experience..

Do you have someone you can talk to? A friend? A family member? X

Based on what you've said about your boyfriend, I think you would need to be fully prepared to be a single parent with absolutely no support from him.

I’m financially stable on my own, I don’t know how it works bringing up a child and working. I could afford to work part time but I don’t know if I’d want to not work full time after getting this job (I work in an arts sector that’s very hard to get into... was so lucky to get this break!) I don’t know if I want to potentially sacrifice a happy relationship that I have for something I don’t have or know yet. The fact I’m not instantly wanting to abort and the fact I’m feeling secretly excited is throwing me off... always thought if this would happen I’d be able to “get rid of it” with ease.

I’d be worried to tell my family without knowing what I’m doing first, I fear they’d judge me! I have a great friend who I want to tell but she’s going through a bad time at the mo and don’t want to make it about me right now as she needs the support.

Congratulations 😊 you've not written anything negative about your boyfriend so no idea why pp would even say you'll probably be unsupported?? What a stupid comment when you've said nothing to suggest that. He may be excited too 🤞

First thing is to speak to your boyfriend and figure out his thoughts and feelings on the pregnancy. You may be surprised by his reaction. You also need to look at the long term picture too.

It sounds like you're happy, but scared, so you need to identify someone you can speak to about this, should you get no interest from your boyfriend. Is your mum around? An aunt or another friend who isn't going through a tough time?

1. Speak to your boyfriend

2. Speak to your friend but give her a heads up first to see if she has the emotional space for it--it might detract from her own problems.

3. Research your options--from termination to maternity pay as well as costs.

Well OP...26 is a good age to have a baby, certainly not too young.

You're financially independent and know you want DC at some point anyway (who knows what's around the corner in the future but you do know the here and now). You're already thinking about the practicalities which is a good thing in terms of you being realistic about this and aware of issues re work. You also feel secretly excited about this (nothing wrong with that even if it wasn't planned)...

... Let it sink in a bit but congratulations 💐😊.

Give yourself a bit of time, a few days can help clear your thoughts.

Run the scenarios in your head:
What would happen if you aborted? Do you think you'd regret it later?

If you keep going, what would be your ideal (would you live with partner)? And if he's not happy, are you able to raise alone?

You sound like you're switched on, very understandable that your head is all over the place!

@Pukeymama

Congratulations 😊 you've not written anything negative about your boyfriend so no idea why pp would even say you'll probably be unsupported?? What a stupid comment when you've said nothing to suggest that. He may be excited too 🤞

He’s a truly guy and we have absolutely no issues in our relationship- I only say I think I know what he’d react like based on a small convo we had a while back about him “maybe wanting a child one day but that his friends with children have no life and it’s so much work”, which maybe true and was how I felt too! But this feels scary but exciting and my reaction has surprised me. Maybe he’ll be the same too or maybe not... there’s only one way to know but I’m definitely not ready to find that out just get

Both choices come with consequences and neither would be wrong. Stories of people who didn't take the easy way out and say as they look back years later, it defined them in a good way as they have a fantastic relationship. And others who didn't continue the pregnancy who still know it was the absolute right choice for them.
I have no real advice as such other than to say, it has to be what you truly want because either way regret is a horrid thing to carry around.
It sounds like friends, bf and family might all muddy your waters by having their own agenda/pov so I would be finding out how much time I have to make a decision and heading straight to professional family planning counselors ( or whatever the correct term is).
As for your happy relationship you need to prepare for things to potentially change either way. His response to this situation may colour your view of him even if you are united in your decision, if it is the first serious issue you have faced together it will tell you a lot about his character as a life partner and how you stand shoulder to shoulder to face the world, or not. Tough times test relationships, those that make it through are those where mutual respect and support of each other are the order of the day.
All the best whatever you decide.

So appreciative of everyone’s words and advice. Literally just what I needed and I couldn’t be more grateful for your replies!!

I think everything else in my mind is secondary to the thought..... I’m having a baby??? Keep having happy sobs which turn into worry sobs and then back to happy!

It sounds like you really want this baby OP!

DH’s reaction to finding out I was pregnant (I was 25, he was 28) was pretty awful. He completely lost the plot for a couple of days and had a series of panic attacks. We already owned a house together and we’re engaged and kids were on the cards ‘at some point’ anyway so I hadn’t expected such a visceral reaction. But he soon came around and he’s an amazing dad. So just be aware that DP’s initial reaction may be incredibly negative but that doesn’t necessarily make him a horrible person or mean that he won’t get on board in the future.

First: See a doctor and confirm the pregnancy. Start pre-natals, etc.
Second: Decide whether you will abort, adopt out, or keep. Make pro-and-con lists, budget, etc.

Third: Talk with the baby's father.
Fourth: If you decide to keep, then tell your friends, family, etc.
Wishing you well in whatever you choose.

Check with your doctor whether they do confirm the pregnancy - they don’t where I am, they didn’t like to before Covid as they trust pregnancy tests but they won’t now.

Otherwise, it sounds like you are clear in how you feel - so it’s time to do some research, work out how things would work, and then when you feel ready, tell your boyfriend.

Congratulations and best of luck whatever you decide is the right way forward.

I found out I was pregnant at 25. I was already 11 weeks gone and had been with my boyfriend for 5 years but we didn’t live together. I had just got my dream job.
His reaction was hideous. He actually said can’t you get rid of it. If I asked him now he would say he didn’t say it.
But things work out with a baby. Life finds a way. Our baby is a dream come true. We have both progressed well in our careers and have just brought an amazing (our second) property.

Most GPs won't be bothered about confirming the pregnancy, just call them and tell them you're pregnant and they'll give you the phone number for you to self-refer to the community midwives.

That can be done any time though as your first midwife appointment isn't until 9-10 weeks.

First thing is to speak to your boyfriend about it but remember that this is about you and ultimately it is your decision alone whether to continue the pregnancy or not, don't let his opinion sway you.

You sound really happy about it OP and 26 isn't a bad age to have a baby, I was 27 when I first got pregnant. Working is entirely doable, depending on your income you may get help with childcare costs or family may be willing to help you out.

you dont need to confirm it with a doctor they go by standard prgnancy tests-but yes start the ball rolling if youre keeping the baby

it mght be different in a co9uple of months but atm you have to go alone to scans and appts

How old is your boyfriend? How long have you been together and were you talking about living together? Expect his first reaction to be negative. He'll need time to process it. I would even consider texting him, so that you don't see (and always remember) his first reaction and first words. Give him a little space. Once he has had time to catch up discuss it. It is your decision ultimately to be a single parent if he won't make it work and you decide that you want the baby. If it's any consolation, I know a couple of women who had a child around your age (and slightly younger) and they absolutely don't regret it.

One of my closest friends had an unexpected pregnancy when she was 22. She had only been with her partner for 6 months and she only had a part time job in a shop at the time so was terrified about how (if) she could manager, and what everyone around her would say.

Initially everyone was shocked (boyfriend and her parents), but nobody was angry at her. Eventually once the news had settled and they sat down and figured out a plan, everyone became very exciting.
My friend and her partner moved in together and rented a nice semi detached house. 9 months later they had a beautiful little girl and nobody can even remember what their lives were like before

It hasn't been a breeze for them, they struggling sometimes financially but they are a happy family and their little girl was the best thing that happened to them (she's 3 now!)

@ChickensMightFly

Stories of people who didn't take the easy way out

I would disagree that abortion is the easy way out.

OP good luck with whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy.

squiffany very true - apologies. Lazy phrasing based on common parlance/perception, not my true opinion.

Fwiw op, my dh had a pretty lacklustre reaction to both our mutually planned and wanted pregnancies (not even a smile -just a stoic acceptance.. sounds awful but it wasn't really, you'd have to know him to get that). He also isn't brilliant with babies (doesn't intuitively understand how they tick) though his strong sense of duty gets him through... He is now a brilliant dad who adores his children, is very loving and engaged, the fact that it took him a while to find that side of himself was never something I held against him. Dc1 was nearly 1 before my dh 'knew' he loved him (when he was hurt and he had to leg it out of work to find us in a&e)... He had still done nappies, night duty etc without drama. What that meant for me, was that I had to carry us both emotionally (he was ok with the practicals) and be patient while he found his 'dad' feet... But, our children were as much his choice as mine and neither of us have regretted a moment. I don't think any child comes into this world with a smooth emotional road paved for the parents, we all muddle through even when it's a text book 'perfect' conception.
All the best

I got pregnant at 23, my then boyfriend and I just drifted into living together. He was so excited when I told him. Said child is now in the kitchen cooking his dinner and we've recently celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary. Things can work out.

Congratulations!

You'll get maternity leave for the first year. Then after that, you've got a couple of years of childcare costs before free nursery places then school. You'll get more benefits though so costs are doable.

You'll pay around £800 per month childcare for a nursery if working full time. (£480 if working 3 days). These are averages outside south east.

This goes down significantly when the free nursery place comes in and more so when they start school.

It's very rewarding. It's lovely having a child / baby.

You won't be alone. People always want to help and a large proportion of people have grandparents doing childcare to avoid expensive (see above) nurseries. Childminders can be cheaper too.

There's a whole world of baby groups too and hundreds of thousands of babies and mums to meet.