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Original poster

Moving in with man with kids

37 replies

Hardtotell · 21/08/2020 19:53

Hi!
I’m new to this. Just turned 50. No kids of my own - it didn’t happen and I was ok with that.
I’ve been seeing someone for a year. He has 11yo and 15yo girls. Long story short I’ve met the 11yo briefly (less than an hour) about 4 times. Never met the 15yo. She’s being playing up (staying at friends but really out all night, weed) stays in room and doesn’t speak. Refusing to meet me.
We planned to move in together and I was going to get to meet and spend time with girls but covid got in the way.
His house has just sold so we now have a few weeks to sort it. I’ve got a house we plan to share in the short term but I’m nervous of moving them in (shared custody) never having met the girl..

Been to their house for 1st time to try and engage in low key way. 11yo engages but gets everything she wants when she wants, won’t eat meal, stayed in room most of day. Demands stuff. 15yo got up for shower at 5pm went back to room. Didn’t want food. Never spoke. Dad speaks to her like she’s a baby.

Now I’m reeeeeeally scared. Is this normal? I’m not sure I am ok with a child who isn’t at the very least expected to say hello to a guest.
I can’t see how I’m going to be ok with the behaviour.
Moving in together seems crazy! I’m doubtful they will agree to come and it’s unlikely their mum will make them but what if they do! I’d love a relationship with them on any level but surely a level of politeness should be encouraged?
Suggestions please?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/08/2020 19:55

Sounds terrible. His daughters are at a sensitive age and his 15yo sounds like she isn't handling this at all well.

I'd keep to living apart so he can focus his spare time on the girls, and you can gradually build up a relationship with them.

It would be really inappropriate moving into a home with someone you've never even met before.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/08/2020 19:56

Are you absolutely 100% sure you haven't been targeted?

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 19:58

Yes this is crazy don’t do it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds 15 year olds Families
CarrieFour · 21/08/2020 19:59

This is a 100% NO.

Backtobasics5 · 21/08/2020 20:00

Hi OP I noticed you put “seeing someone” is it casual? I wouldn’t worry about the kids. I would not move in after 1 year it’s way too soon... and you said you have no kids so I think it sounds like it could all be too much too soon.

thisislovelyme · 21/08/2020 20:00

No this isn't normal. The children don't know you at all - you surely can't move in with them just yet.

Smallsteps88 · 21/08/2020 20:01

Fucking hell. There are some spectacularly dim and selfish people in this world.

Hint: you don’t move in with people you don’t know. Children are also people. That shouldn’t need to be spelt out to anyone.

Azerothi · 21/08/2020 20:03

If his house is sold and your boyfriend doesn't move in with you, does he and his girls have somewhere to go? Like a PP I think you have been targetted.

This seems like an unlikely thing for someone, who has children, to do after just a year.

OhYeahYouSuck · 21/08/2020 20:04

This has disaster written all over it! And I say that as someone who's DP has moved in with my DCs and I and my eldest wasn't 100% happy but I knew he would be ok when he got used to it. It's more the fact that it's change. We built it up too. DP spending time here when DCs were home. Staying 1 night a week when DCs weren't at their dad's, coming out with us etc.

Letting 2 kids move in, 1 of whom you haven't even met is a terrible idea. They also sound badly behaved with a Disney dad who refuses to parent. You will soon get very sick and tired of their total lack of respect for you and a partner who will not deal with it.

I'd stay in separate homes and build it up gradually.

AIMD · 21/08/2020 20:06

No wonder you feel weird about. These girls are meant to be moving in with you for part the week (I assume that’s what you mean by shared custody) and you’ve barely met or know them.

Without trying to be mean it sounds like a really odd situation. I can’t imagine expecting my children to live, even part time with a new partner that they’ve barely met.

I think maybe focusing on ‘politeness’ won’t be helpful. In the grand scheme of things a year long relationship (with the last few months of that being presumably limited due to lockdown) isn’t that long either, maybe they just need more time to get used to the idea and get to know you. I suspect the move might make things more difficult with them as it probably feels way too soon.

Did you and your partner discuss how the move might affect the girls before he sold his house, when you were deciding to move in with each other? Just wondering what preparation they had for the move?

AlternativePerspective · 21/08/2020 20:08

No decent parent would move someone in who hadn’t even met their kids yet.

And only an idiot would agree to move in with someone when they’d not even met the kids...

I wouldn’t only not move in, I would end the relationship.

Terrace58 · 21/08/2020 20:17

It seems crazy because it is crazy. You can’t move in with a man when you don’t have an established relationship with his children. This is all going way too fast.

He really doesn’t have that much longer with his children before they start entering the adult world. Why not take it slow. Get homes near one another. Spend time with just him and with the whole family, but have your own space. Over time, you may find maintaining separate homes seems silly to Even to the kids. Or perhaps, you will just wait until they are on their own . The reason I recommend this approach is having watched members of my parents and grandparents generation after divorce or death. For some reason they all kept their own homes, even though no kids were still young enough to be at home, and they all seem happy that way.

TwilightPeace · 21/08/2020 20:22

No! Just no! Do not move in with this man! It’s a disaster waiting to happen....can’t you see that?
Those poor kids....they shouldn’t have a complete stranger moving into their fucking home...if only anyone would consider their feelings.

Get your own house and avoid all this unnecessary drama.

TheWayOfTheWorld · 21/08/2020 20:25

@TwilightPeace

No! Just no! Do not move in with this man! It’s a disaster waiting to happen....can’t you see that? Those poor kids....they shouldn’t have a complete stranger moving into their fucking home...if only anyone would consider their feelings.

Get your own house and avoid all this unnecessary drama.

They would be moving into OP's home, OP isn't imposing herself on them Hmm

OP, I agree with others that your DP is just going to have to find somewhere else in the short term. Aside from the feelings of his DC, you are also going to feel uncomfortable in your own home. This is a lose:lose scenario for everyone.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 21/08/2020 20:36

Don't do it. Don't move a man and his teenagers into your home. Madness.

Candyfloss99 · 21/08/2020 20:39

No you don't share a house with somebody you've never met before.

Holdingtherope · 21/08/2020 20:40

What do you mean when you say the op has been targetted?

FelicityPike · 21/08/2020 20:43

No way. This sounds like a set up. Sorry.

FelicityPike · 21/08/2020 20:43

@Holdingtherope

What do you mean when you say the op has been targetted?
They want her house/ money.
beautifulxdisasters · 21/08/2020 20:48

Sorry OP but I agree this is total madness!

Not only will it be shit for them, but you're already finding out that there are quite serious things you don't like about the kids behaviour and his parenting, when you've basically met them once - it will be shit for you too.

AdaColeman · 21/08/2020 20:55

This will all end in tears; almost certainly your own.

How have you come to the conclusion that moving a man and his two children, whom you have barely met and who refuse to engage with you, into your own home, will end in anything but disaster?

How have the finances for three people living in your home been worked out? What will he be contributing? Who will be responsible for shopping & cooking?

How will you cope with the teen who won’t speak to you?

Why are you doing this? Has the man got a golden dick? Or have you been mesmerised?

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 21/08/2020 21:07

How extraordinary ...

On what planet would someone do this?

Firstly, I wonder if you have proof this man has sold his house. And even if he has - that should have nothing to do with you after knowing him for such a short time.

Secondly - have you stopped to ask yourself at all why his elder daughter does not engage with you and stays out all night? Having a complete tosser for a father might explain it. Plus the threat of being moved into a strange woman's house. Maybe he's told her to stay out of your way until he's got his feet under your table.

OP you have enough brain to find your way to MN. Use it to consider what type of human being you look like right now.

BernardoTeashop · 21/08/2020 22:04

Please dont so this. His daughter is 15 which is such a crucial age and it’s madness to make her share a house with a woman that she doesn’t know just because she’s dating her dad. Their dad obviously doesn’t care but I bet their mum does

HollowTalk · 21/08/2020 22:07

I can't believe you're serious. You're talking about living with children you don't know? Are you insane?

And you're talking about them moving in with you? When he has daughters going through a difficult time and who show no sign of wanting to know you?

If you're not a troll, you must be absolutely out of your mind.

Yankathebear · 21/08/2020 22:19

Bonkers for either of you to even been thinking of it.
Surely he wants his children to be happy and if he doesn’t what’s wrong with him?