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Original poster

Pls settle an argument - diets and weight

41 replies

Newkitty · 17/08/2020 23:09

I am in my 40s. I don’t know any woman, my age or any other age, who doesn’t worry about her weight. DH says I’m the only one.

I wish I didn’t - I don’t think it matters, but there is always a part of my brain that thinks I’m fat and hates me for it. (Objectively, I’m a healthy weight, and a size 12. But this has been the way my mind has worked whatever my size or weight, ever since I can remember. It’s not to do with reality, but with the way i think women are made to feel about their bodies)

Pls help settle an argument between us. I don’t think it’s possible to be a woman in our culture and not be made to feel bad about your weight. DH thinks I’m mad. Who is right?

OP posts:
chubbyhotchoc · 17/08/2020 23:17

If you look at how long threads on here get when the topic is weight you have your answer. I'd say it was more unusual not to worry about weight sadly.

Meganplays · 17/08/2020 23:28

The majority of women worry about their weight. I didn’t used to, but I weigh more now than I did and I’m aware of it daily.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2020 23:30

A significant majority of women, and men, in the U.K. are overweight so that might be why.

Original poster
Newkitty · 17/08/2020 23:31

@chubbyhotchoc I agree - and it is very sad

OP posts:
Ploughingthrough · 17/08/2020 23:31

I agree with you. I think pretty much all adult women are occupied by their weight. I mean just look at the weight loss boards here.
I include myself in this - I'm 34 and have to work hard to remain slim and still think I could lose more.
Culture piles pressure on women about their weight and appearance and unfortunately we respond to that pressure.

Diemme · 17/08/2020 23:33

I'm overweight and trying to diet. But I'm in my 50s and my days of letting my weight determine my self esteem are very much behind me. My diet is my business, I never really discuss it. So although I see your point I also get where your DH is coming from. These days I find constant diet chat tedious, boring and toxic. I went out for a meal with 3 friends recently. We all had two courses and a glass of wine. I was the only one who managed to eat, enjoy it, move on. The others started straight away with 'ohh I've eaten too much, I definitely need to go to the gym tomorrow, I'm only having 500 calories tomorrow' yada yada yada. It drives me mad, and perhaps your DH feels the same way. You can address your weight without bringing into every conversation.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 17/08/2020 23:34

I can't eat anything without a low-level conversation going on in my head about whether it'll make me put on weight. We had pizza tonight and now I hate myself. Sad

Original poster
Newkitty · 17/08/2020 23:35

@meganplays I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope you are ok.

@AnneLovesGilbert I’m not taking about bff enquire health worries, so much as the nagging doubt about whether or not you’ll ever be good enough, the pressures to diet, to keep getting thinner. The number of women I know who think they ‘look fat’ every tine they see a photo of themselves, even though they look lovely

OP posts:
Original poster
Newkitty · 17/08/2020 23:38

@Diemme oh god I’m with you. I’m actually just preparing to go out for a meal with old friends. I rolled my eyes to dh and said I didn’t think I could bear the inevitable diet chat, after eating without any of that since lockdown! I try to never mention it as I think it’s a waste of all of our time. But I still can’t escape it. I’m very glad you have

OP posts:
Original poster
Newkitty · 17/08/2020 23:39

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal can you distract yourself? It’s a waste of your brain to feel bad about yourself for eating food. Please be kind to yourself

OP posts:
HerNameWasEliza · 17/08/2020 23:43

you are

CorianderLord · 17/08/2020 23:56

There are probably a few but yes, almost every woman I know has weight issues. In fact I'd say most women I am close to have a history of Eating Disorders. Including me.

bluejelly · 18/08/2020 00:00

I agree. Most women I know have emotional responses to food, many damaging, obsessive or soul-destroying. I'm lucky that I don't, but am a rarity amongst my friends.
Nb I had a mum who never obsessed about food, or went on a diet. And I wonder if that's why.

Pipandmum · 18/08/2020 00:02

Yes even the very slim women I know find fault with their bodies- they don't feel feminine because they don't have breasts or hips.
I can't think of a single female I know who doesn't have some sort of body hang up. It may not have to do with weight, though that is the usual preoccupation.

bluejelly · 18/08/2020 00:11

So sad isn't it? I am sure the patriarchy plays a role. It suits the system to have women insecure and under-confident...

PeppersYellow · 18/08/2020 00:42

Maybe the women he knows haven't discussed it with him or in front of because he's a man and they don't think he would understand? That sounds about right then from you have said? 😂 He must be slim and no hint of a pot belly then.

Valkadin · 18/08/2020 00:42

I have never been overweight though I have been underweight so that in itself is bad. It is a physical response to being anxious. I haven’t ever been on a diet in my life and I actually don’t worry about being overweight. I’m mixed race and eat around 70% of food that is like my Dads home country so not a western diet.

TitsOutForHarambe · 18/08/2020 00:44

I don't think it's literally every woman. But definitely the majority.

managedmis · 18/08/2020 00:46

Yeah, ALL women care about their weight. I've never met a woman who doesn't mention it

mrsmummy1111 · 18/08/2020 00:52

@managedmis

Yeah, ALL women care about their weight. I've never met a woman who doesn't mention it
I don't?? Admittedly I've never been overweight, or anywhere close to it. And I'm certainly a different shape and size since having kids - my bum and hips are bigger and my post breastfeeding boobs are smaller (they were only a small B) to begin with but I can honestly say, I've never ever had a conversation with my friends or my DH about my weight. My friends are early 30s and mostly slim so it's just not a topic that is raised very frequently. And if it is, I have very little input so tend to not say anything at all.

Majority - yes. All? No.

MouseholeCat · 18/08/2020 01:09

For the past 5 years, I've been very happy with my weight. It's not something I think about at all in my day to day life or with my food choices. I've had body image issues but not around weight- for example, I had horrible cystic acne for years that made it hard to even look people in the eye.

Previously I was underweight and I worried about the health implications, but the issues that were causing me to be underweight (anxiety, IBS) resolved and I gained weight.

I recognise that I am in a very privileged position because I've always been slim. Society puts hugely unrealistic expectations on our bodies and its so sad to hear how many women feel negative about their bodies.

eaglejulesk · 18/08/2020 01:30

These days I find constant diet chat tedious, boring and toxic.

I agree with this. I could do with losing a stone, maybe more, but I don't think about it much, and certainly would never go out with friends and go on about how I shouldn't eat this etc. I try to eat healthily but don't deny myself any treats and just eat normal food. People banging on about what we should/shouldn't eat, at what time etc soon lose my interest I'm afraid.

To answer your question OP, sadly far too many women do think about their weight, but certainly not all.

Heatherjayne1972 · 18/08/2020 08:04

I’m in my 40’s. And it doesn’t bother me at all
I don’t own scales - no idea what I weigh
I eat sensibly. I don’t really exercise
Having had three babies I’m a bit stretched but I’m not bothered

Mind you when I was married I was constantly reminded about how ‘fat’ I was ( I wasn’t)

BogRollBOGOF · 18/08/2020 08:19

I'm a healthy size and have to care to stay that way. I don't exactly appreciate the saggy mum tum left by a humungous baby bump and EMCS. Aside from cultural pressure, women have to deal with much more physical change than men. For me there's that bloaty week of the month when I feel heavy and lethargic. All that draws your attention to your body, changes the way that clothes fit.
The plus side is that women tend to be better at seeing prompt medical help and tend to be healthier for longer.

So yes, I care. I don't have it as a regular choice of conversation, just quietly do 5:2 fasting days and become more mindful about what I eat. Not "diet chat" of points, syns, HEBs etc. I don't get into all the "wine o'clock malary either.

I think that for any woman to not have weight/ her physique on her radar beyond her 20s is rare.

miimblemomble · 18/08/2020 08:31

I’ve realised that my mum taught me to notice people’s weight - especially female bodies - and to harshly judge people for being overweight, including myself. She is forever commenting on people in pictures, on relatives that have lost or gained weight. I have the same body shape as her, and I have so many memories of her grabbing at her own “flabby bits” and saying how hideous they are. I remember her doing the Cabbage Soup diet, And going to some random house to buy Cambridge diet stuff in the 1980s. Yet when I look back to photos of that time, she was perfectly slim! It was never about health btw, only appearance and dress size.

It was made perfectly clear to me throughout childhood, by my mum and what I saw on telly, and how I heard girls and boys talking at school, that females were judged on the basis of their appearance and their body shape, while males were judged on other things - sporting prowess, money, positions of power.

So YANBU OP: I’m just a bit older than you, we grew up in very similar times.