Pls settle an argument - diets and weight

[Newkitty]

I am in my 40s. I don’t know any woman, my age or any other age, who doesn’t worry about her weight. DH says I’m the only one.

I wish I didn’t - I don’t think it matters, but there is always a part of my brain that thinks I’m fat and hates me for it. (Objectively, I’m a healthy weight, and a size 12. But this has been the way my mind has worked whatever my size or weight, ever since I can remember. It’s not to do with reality, but with the way i think women are made to feel about their bodies)

Pls help settle an argument between us. I don’t think it’s possible to be a woman in our culture and not be made to feel bad about your weight. DH thinks I’m mad. Who is right?

I do think some women can be utterly tedious about going on and on about their weight and their diet nearly all the time, I have been overweight most of my life (purely due to greed - I love food ) but I am careful not to obsess over it or talk about it excessively... it is just so boring. I hate the scenario when people women talk about certain foods being 'naughty' (or even worse 'dirty' ).

As I get older people talk less and less about their weight, thank goodness, I now follow a mostly low carb diet and have lost weight but I try hard not to talk about it much - except on here.

I'm mid 40's, and I honestly don't know any woman that doesn't have hang ups about their body, whether or not that invovles weight, which in my case, it does. I have a beautiful size 10 friend who has no weight issues, but frets about her pot belly. Another size 10 friend who can't believe how 'fat' she became in lockdown. My size 14 friend who is back on the Cambridge diet because she can't bear to look at herself.
My step mum is 76. Every single phone call we have, she tells me how much she weights, and whether she's 'lost a bit' that week or 'has been naughty snacking'. It drives me mad. She is tiny. I am literally twice her size (well I was, I've lost a bit, because, yes, I'm on a diet)

Its hard for all generations of women. These days you can't win, because body positive is the new normal, so you need to be all things - content with what you have - healthy - happy - wobbly - firm. Throw in the juggling work, home, kids and a bit of pandemic. Pressure everywhere.

Your DH is wrong, FWIW. Not EVERY woman worries about it, but I would take a guess and say its an extremely high percentage.

I'm 34 and don't have any female friends who don't have a problem with/closely monitor their weight.

When I was overweight/obese I didn't mind that much. Now that I've slimmed down I'm a lot more worried than I used to.

It was made perfectly clear to me throughout childhood, by my mum and what I saw on telly, and how I heard girls and boys talking at school, that females were judged on the basis of their appearance and their body shape

Same here.

I'm 45 and I'm curvy. Even at my slimmest (10) I had boobs, a small waist and a bum.

I'm currently a 12/14. At my biggest, I was a 14/16.

I know my weight gain has been an issue for men I have dated - when its all about appearance and seems to be more to do with kudos with their mates, a reflection on their worth as a person and believing that all women actually should look like a lingerie model 🙄 and that the rest of us are getting it wrong. But that's their problem and not mine. I know my boyfriend prefers slim women over bigger - I've seen photos of his exes etc - but he's not once made a comment about my weight, my size or what I eat. I don't know what his private thoughts are on the matter regarding me, but he is entitled to think what he likes!

I don't obsess about my weight or appearance. I want to lose a stone because I'm concerned about health and I have grown out of clothes I'd really like to wear again! But I don't apologise for my size/weight, nor do I talk about dieting because it's not a feature of my life. If I know I've put on a bit of weight, I adjust my eating but my boyfriend is exactly the same so that's not female dependent.

My mum used to tell me I was fat all the time. Even when my measurements were 34-23-35 because my bum was quite 'shapely'.

I agree that diet talk is boring and all the talk of being 'naughty' and 'cheating' etc is just really dull. I've got a group of female friends. I'm the youngest, the eldest is 57. In the 3 years I've known them, we've had one conversation about weight gain but no one was particularly fussed. Another group of female friends - it hasn't been mentioned at all.

I wonder if those women who don’t obsess about their weight - and therefore hyper focus on food - are the ones who find it easier to stay slim?

Anecdotally amongst my friends, the two who find staying slim the easiest are the ones who do not give one second thought to what they eat. Pastries for breakfast, chocolate every day (we work together), desserts from the school kitchen.

Whereas the rest of us who are perpetually on low carb/SW/WW etc aren’t as slim and subconsciously plan our days around food.

I'm late thirties, have never really been on a diet, don't really worry about my weight. Certainly don't let it consume me, or think about it daily.

I would say most of my female friends are similar, so it may depend on the circles you move in? But equally I'm thinking of women who are fairly sporty and haven't had need to worry I guess. My best friend had a baby, continues to exercise during pregnancy, wasn't especially concerned about post baby weight and ended up back at her normal weight within a year.

I have put on nearly a stone during lockdown, I want to do something about it but it's not primarily a weight thing, it's an eating junk thing.

I did however have a close friend with a severe eating disorder as a teen and it has definitely affected my view on weight to the extent that in my early twenties when some uni friends were going on diets/colleagues at work we're talking about weightwatchers I really disengaged. I would genuinely rather be a few pounds overweight than have it consume my mental health as I saw happening to my friend.

So.... I think it's not necessarily the case your husband is deluding himself, I certainly move in circles of women who don't obsess about their weight, but I do agree that we live in a messed up culture and many many women do.

I wonder if those women who don’t obsess about their weight - and therefore hyper focus on food - are the ones who find it easier to stay slim?

I don't 'obsess' about food and I certainly dont find it easy to stay slim. But then, staying slim isn't a priority for me. I don't eat chocolate, pastries and desserts because it's not healthy for me to do so. I do generally eat low carb and clean but that's because of the difference I can feel in my body when I eat that way.

But that doesn't mean I'm not partial to the odd pint of ale too.

I suppose what I consume for the health of my body is more important that what I eat for the appearance of it.

So.... I think it's not necessarily the case your husband is deluding himself, I certainly move in circles of women who don't obsess about their weight, but I do agree that we live in a messed up culture and many many women do.

I agree with this.

But yes, he is wrong for taking his experience and extrapolating.

I wonder if those women who don’t obsess about their weight - and therefore hyper focus on food - are the ones who find it easier to stay slim?

As someone who doesn't worry about her weight and is slim, I agree to an extent. In my case though, I'm actually hypothyroid so, medication aside, if I regularly ate a certain way I would 1000% put on weight very quickly. But I'm very lucky that I never needed to make a conscious choice to eat healthily because that was always my default.

For example, I don't comfort eat and food isn't part of how I manage my emotions. I don't have cravings for sugary or deep-fried food. My portion size and appetite are very well coordinated to my caloric needs. The food I learned to cook and was brought up eating was balanced. I can choose whatever I want at a restaurant or celebration as that's my backdrop. Those are all reasons why I don't need to consciously do things to stay slim.

Most of not all of my friends and acquaintances (female, at least) are conscious of their appearance, weight and diet.

I include myself in that despite being sick and tired of constantly having to worry about my body shape and dieting into clothes and looking a certain way. I recently realised that I've have spent 40 years or more living this way.

It's very sad that t so many of us are giving so much heads pace to the size of our pants, but I can notet it all go and be a larger size. I would be less happy in a larger body.

I'm not exactly slim (size 14) but eat healthily (with treats), work out and enjoy food. I have never been on a diet and don't hate my body. It's not perfect but I'm content with its imperfections.
I'm definitely in a minority though - many of my friends are slimmer and yet hate their bodies and obsess about diet/exercise either overtly or covertly. I think it's really sad ☹️

Unkind (at best) of your H say that you’re the only one. Can’t think of a positive reason for him to do that.

My weight was fine until i hit 40 now i need to lose weight
I am 42 5 ft 1 and weigh 10 st

Oh god, you're right and your husband is wrong, OP!

I'm in my 50s and have only just realised that it's my head I needed to fix, not go on another of the myriad of diets I've been on since is was literally a child.

I found a therapist about 3 months ago and I'M FREEEEEE from all the exhausting weight inner dialogue and self flagellation.

It's bloody brilliant 😁

I'm same age. Previously I never worried about my weight... but over the last 2-3 years, I have.
My body is definitely changing and I seem to put on weight faster but it takes longer to loose the excess! Same with fitness really- maybe it's just an aging thing.