Toddler is breaking my heart

[toddlingtwo]

My two year old is obsessed with me (her mum) to the point she cries and screams every time I leave the room or the house. Her dad will pick her up and she does that thing with her arms out, screaming "no no no" and sobbing. When I come back she's fine. I always make a point to explain where I'm going (to the other room to work, to the shop etc) and when I'll come back as I believe that to be best, but I feel riddled with guilt the entire time I'm away from her due to her reaction.

I even have to sit next to her in the back of the car when we go somewhere as a family. She follows me around, pulling on my clothes or my leg, so everything I do is stressful - be it putting a wash on or cooking her a meal. I can't ever sit down as if she's playing she demands I play with her but she plays independently just fine for my husband/ her dad. Her dad does bedtime and she's ok with that if I give her a 10 min cuddle before and explain she'll be coming to bed with me later in the night, but even then I feel bad as she cries before I hand her over.

I don't imagine there's an answer but it's making me guilt ridden and anxious all the time.

Has anyone experienced this and it got better? When?!

I would not sit next to her in the car, or pander to her demands all the time. Children can feel loved and secure without doing all that. You need to work on your own self esteem to instil healthy self esteem in her. That is a gift

Don't let Mum guilt eat you up. The small people are clever. She knows you'll come if she causes an unholy row, so she keeps doing it. You need to be strong here, Mamma. Your DC is fine with your husband so start running errands to the local shop for 10 mins then increase til you're doing the fully weekly shop at Tesco on your own (just an example)
Never sneak out. Always tell them you're going and that you promise you'll be back. Then reinforce that you kept your promise when you return

Sorry, it's early, I've just read your OP again... you're doing all the right things. And as you say, she's fine when you come back so you need to stop fretting.

Example - I worked in a children's nursery years ago and one particular girl screamed blue murder every time her mother left. Mum didn't believe me that she was barely at the carpark with seatbelt on before her daughter was fine and the mother had terrible anxiety over it. So I asked mum for her phone one day and told her to leave - say goodbye, cuddle and walk out. I videoed the whole exchange on her phone then followed out a minute later to show her that the child was in the sandpit with all the other 2yo's laughing and playing.
Took the child weeks and weeks to stop the drama at handover but she eventually realised Mum wasn't reacting/ appeared not bothered so she got bored and stopped.

Be firm! You've got this. For your own sake. Good luck

@Shesapunkpunk I actually don't think there's anything wrong with my self esteem, and I've always believed that dependence breeds independence. So actually her knowing I'm reliable and her safe base IS helping her self esteem? If she's clinging to my leg when she's 5 maybe I've got a problem, but I think at 2 it's appropriate - I just don't know how to handle it emotionally.

@SadieContrary thank you for the reassurance, I know she's fine within minutes or less, I've seen/heard it myself when I leave and she thinks I'm not watching. I guess I just need to push the guilty thoughts out when they arise. I just never want to see her that sad never mind multiple times a day, it's draining.

But pandering to her demands does not show you are a rock, it shows you are a pushover. Or does she think her dad is less reliable than you? I doubt it very much.

It's clearly having no lasting effect on her if she's fine as soon as she thinks you've actually gone. I'm afraid you're the one who needs to put it out your head.

Maybe when you are home then try and encourage more independent play? 'If you can play here for 5/10 mins without Mummy then we will go to the park later?' Something that you're maybe planning to do anyway but she will perceive it as a reward?

Do you have some way of involving her with the chores you do?

Could she help load the washing machine? Empty the dryer? carry a basket of clothes pegs for you and hand you a few? You praise how helpful she is being, what a big girl she is...

Could she wash the skirting boards or the kitchen cabinet doors with a baby wipe while you make dinner? Tell her she is a great helper.

Does she have any noisy electronic toys that she could happily play with for a few minutes? I remember my youngest DC had a little electronic piano/animal sound gizmo that she loved; while the music was often very discordant it bought me a lot of time and space inside my own head..

Try to identify games she finds more absorbing and put them in front of her when you sit down.

You are right to explain that you are leaving but will be back. This will eventually pay off. Secure knowledge that mummy keeps her word will lead to trust.

But you don't have to sit in the back seat with her in the car. If you or your DP can drive safely with a certain amount of weeping and gnashing of teeth going on in the back seat, set off and keep going. Hopefully she will calm down.

I think most of what you're doing is fine and she will eventually grow out of this phase. DS shows similar favouritism for DH right now and we largely just ignore it and carry on with whatever needs to be done from an adult perspective. I don't agree with giving in and sitting in the back or the car with her, or getting down and playing with her everytime if you know she plays independently for your DH perfectly well though. For me, these things are slightly crossing the line into pandering to her and are reinforcing the negative behaviours because they get her something she wants

Sounds like seperation anxiety. Just keep reassurring her and she will get over it.

You're doing the right things, just stay the course.

My DD1 was like this, it was exhausting. But she got older and while she will still want to cuddle me or walk me to the gate when I drop her off at childcare, she isn't so clingy.

Personally I don't think 'not pandering' to her would have helped. Her behaviour was frustrating and at times distressing for me and DH but she just wanted mummy. We have a lovely relationship now and she is a confident happy 4 year old. So just two more years!

PS DD2 is another matter. She sprints into daycare as she can't wait to play. Different child, different temperament

Calmly reassure and then leave

It’s tough but around 3 years old they start to form proper friendships and the focus will shift from you slightly. At the moment you know she’s actually happy as she’s off playing within seconds of your departure. You, understandably, feel rotten but your dd is fine, so just focus on that. It does get easier but you’re doing everything right in the meantime!

Sorry posted too early 😅

It sounds like the performance when you go is about showing you how important you are. The fact that she settles quickly is evident that all is fine without you.

Everything is a phase try not to let the mum guilt get to you

We had this. DD had been a very sick baby and as she recovered she expected me to carry her round the house the whole time. I negotiated a small number of nursery sessions, and the staff were really understanding, even though initially they were having to carry her. She then turned two, other children became more interesting and it was fine.

Really hard now, I assume. Very small children won't have had the natural progression they have at playgroups etc. Good luck.

I have one like this, so you have my sympathies. Am slightly different in that I simply can’t tolerate being touched that much. She just likes lots and lots of cuddles.

We have a fairly hard rule of mummy & daddy alternate bedtimes, so she will scream and cry because she wants mummy, but settles quite quickly as we never give in and she knows mummy will read her stories tomorrow. (The exception to not giving in is if she’s forgotten her cuddle & kiss before going upstairs, she’s allowed to come back down for it.)

Daddy does more of the nursery drop offs, simply because she’s better with him than with me. But it is getting better as she gets older & usually she goes off okay with me too. She’s three.

She's upset that you're leaving because she has a secure attachment to you and doesn't like watching her preferred no.1 safe space walking away. She'd really prefer that you stayed and is trying to achieve that result through her behaviour. Doesn't mean she's not happy with or attached to her other caregivers, as shown by her being just fine once you've left. It's just that they're very much 'second choices' for her at the moment! But sometimes we have to put up with second choice in life...so I wouldn't feel too guilty if I were you .

Dd1 was like this and I found a book that really helped with the message mummy will return - owl babies. We read it lots and then talked about it to related it to our life (not too deep just, mummies always come back so sometimes when I go to the shop you can remember this book and know I’ll be back.

Owl Babies: 1 www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0744531675/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_c.moFbTN697Y3?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

My son was like this from about 12 months onwards. I literally couldn't leave the room without him screaming the house down. You are not 'pandering' to her by making her feel safe and secure, you are her primary care giver so it's completely normal for her to want you all the time.
My son is now 3 and probably since he was about 2 and a half he's been really confident, independent and feels secure going off with family members. I can go out and do whatever and he knows I'm always coming back because we have that really strong foundation.

You are doing all the right things and yes its exhausting but you will get there in the end!

My DD is like this. She's 4!!
I can't leave the room at home she has to come with me and she cries if I have a shower without her. She's actually fine with me sitting fiddling with my phone while she plays with toys but if I get up and leave the room she will come with me.

When we're out shes absolutely fine and ran into nursery and pre school without a backwards glance. It was at about 2.5 that she seemed to get that confidence. I read when she was a baby that all the cuddling and responding straight away helps with their independence and people comment on her independence and how well behaved she is - its literally like she installs a different personality!!

Can her dad take her out when you need time alone at home? It's difficult at the moment obviously but if she's absolutely fine with him and you not there at all it will probably be easier for you if they leave the house.

Ok some interesting opinions.

I'll definitely give some thought to whether I'm
"pandering" or being a pushover. thats a hard pill to swallow as I have to and do say no a lot! Just yesterday for example I've said no or not pandered to her regarding:

1. Washing and cleaning
2. Cooking
3. Popping to the shop
4. Her begging to go and play outside many times a day - i do take her outside a LOT but I do say no when I'm out of energy and want to put my feet up, and did so on one occasion today (the other times I was happy to take

her out)

1. Her wanting to play in the garage
2. Her wanting to do painting when I've run out of paint
3. Her wanting ice cream before tea
4. Her wanting me to spin her around off the ground when my back was killing me this morning
5. Me taking a shower

10. Bedtime

I could go on.

All of these things and many more she either wanted to do or didn't want me to do and to all she didn't get her own way.

So for the things where she can get her own way and it really doesn't hurt or inconvenience anyone or is impossible, I just do it (like sitting in the back of the car, playing with her when she wants me to, me carrying her somewhere instead of her dad).

I like to think of it as "picking my battles".

Anyway I think I've lost in my mind what I was posting for. I appreciate the words of encouragement and optimism, and definitely have some stuff to think about!

This is so common. DS1 used to do it. I think they pick up on our anxiety but don't realise we are anxious because they are upset, so it's anxiety on a loop.

Try being calm, smiley and firm (way easier said than done, I know.)

And actually @Shesapunkpunk you're just dead flat wrong. I'm not actually going to give any thought to what you said because, you're wrong.

There were a lot more replies since I started writing my last response that are more attuned to my way of parenting and which I really appreciate. I do have to just get through it like all the difficult phases which have come before.

'Painting' with water on a patch of concrete outdoors can be very absorbing. Add chalk to the mix and see how long she will play alone.

Also, can you sit her in the bathtub for a long stretch to play in the water, blow bubbles, use those bathtub crayons. Mine used to enjoy an hour at a stretch sometimes.

It's starting to get to you now so unfortunately you need to give some tough love if you have things to do. I know the crying and screaming will get to you but you need to let dad take over sometimes.

My 4 year old follows me around everywhere even to the toilet but if I tell her to stay in a certain room she will without creating a fuss if it's not for to long.

It doesn't sound like dependence is breeding independence in this case though. Sitting in the back of the car is loopy; you'd be one foot away sat in the front, so she's no safer with you in the back.