Toddler is breaking my heart

[toddlingtwo]

My two year old is obsessed with me (her mum) to the point she cries and screams every time I leave the room or the house. Her dad will pick her up and she does that thing with her arms out, screaming "no no no" and sobbing. When I come back she's fine. I always make a point to explain where I'm going (to the other room to work, to the shop etc) and when I'll come back as I believe that to be best, but I feel riddled with guilt the entire time I'm away from her due to her reaction.

I even have to sit next to her in the back of the car when we go somewhere as a family. She follows me around, pulling on my clothes or my leg, so everything I do is stressful - be it putting a wash on or cooking her a meal. I can't ever sit down as if she's playing she demands I play with her but she plays independently just fine for my husband/ her dad. Her dad does bedtime and she's ok with that if I give her a 10 min cuddle before and explain she'll be coming to bed with me later in the night, but even then I feel bad as she cries before I hand her over.

I don't imagine there's an answer but it's making me guilt ridden and anxious all the time.

Has anyone experienced this and it got better? When?!

By 'alone' I mean without you actively playing with her but you would of course be close by, maybe enjoying a cup of tea. Same goes for the long afternoon bath.

There are some good ideas on this website. This article relates more to leaving your toddler at crèche etc but she has other Q&A articles on the subject too.

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/helping-your-toddler-with-separation-anxiety

I used to do the "don't leave me" game with my DD at that age. She's the one who has to pretend to "leave" and you have to dramatically roll around on the floor being as silly as possible saying "no no don't leave me!!", wailing, trying to hold onto her leg etc. Ends up in a big laughing cuddle. Hide and seek is good too.

It's not about "not giving in", it's about reassurance and allowing her to learn from experience that you'll always come back.

This sounds like separation anxiety. My dd (12) followed me everywhere and cried whenever I went out until she was at least 7. She loves dh but she wants me whenever things go badly. She didn’t struggle with being taken out or collected by someone rather than being dropped off. Ergo she struggled with nursery then school but was ok to go out with dh or be picked up by a friend. She was fine at 2/3 to stay and play by herself. But not when older. With dd it was also wrapped up with anxiety for my health.

I don’t think reassuring your dd and trying to be there is pandering to her. You need to do things for you / go out alone. But doing it kindly and without showing upset yourself is what she needs. If you show your heart is breaking, your dd will think there is something wrong with you being separated from eachother. She needs you to hold her emotions for her.

@toddlingtwo

And actually *@Shesapunkpunk* you're just dead flat wrong. I'm not actually going to give any thought to what you said because, you're wrong.

There were a lot more replies since I started writing my last response that are more attuned to my way of parenting and which I really appreciate. I do have to just get through it like all the difficult phases which have come before.

You clearly don’t think that though, or my response would not have been singled out. You posted, I responded. I did not have to worry about my parenting in the way you do. It will be fine, I am sure.

She can do housework type jobs. If you're cooking you could sit her with a banana and dinner knife to cut up and eat.

She could use wet wipes to wipe the cupboards.

I actually got a bollocking at DD's two year check because she helped me put the washing on. I give her the powder in an old vanish scoop and put the softener in the lid. It was because she likes tipping stuff and also because she wouldn't leave me alone! She learned left, right and middle from the washing machine drawer. The health visitor thought she would try to eat the powder but she didnt understand that DD would never leave the room without me!!

My DD2 is just like this but at almost 4 is getting much better. Hang in there, 2 is just so young, it will get better, and you're doing all the right things except for giving yourself a hard time about it. You have a lovely secure bond with each other and that's lovely but you know she's fine without you so no need to feel guilty when you leave her with another caregiver.

Hmmm, I wouldn’t think of it in terms of whether you are ‘pandering’ to her, but quite possibly you’re going along with what is the easiest route in the short term for you (giving what she wants). My eldest was separation anxiety king - every nursery drop off was tense (right up until his first day of school where he just ran off ahead of me and straight into the school ). Nursery was torture, I would have to throw him at the staff and run away quickly, and the build up would start before we even left the house.

Being calm and consistent is key (but not easy). Reassuring words, mummy is going to do and will be back for lunchtime. You will play with daddy and have a lovely time.

I really wish I had been firmer at bedtime because it was so much easier for me to get him to sleep (quick and easy) and I was always desperate for him to be asleep so that I could relax. Fast forward to him being 6 and whilst happy with my DH at bedtime will actively wait for me. My second child has had much more balanced input and will sleep with DH no problem.

First of all get yourself out of the back of the car. Sit in the front like the adult in charge you are supposed to be.

my daughter used to scream for me when I used to drop her at my mums house or nursery when I was working. Used to feel horrendous, ate me up. They used to tell me within 5-10 mins she would calm down. I used to long out the process and leave upset, then one day at nursery I hid behind the wall and within 5 minutes she was playing and eating breakfast.

Don't beat yourself up, its all part of their learning. She is 8 now and still has her clingy moments but she is easier to talk to then when she was a toddler!

Sounds like PFB 'worries'...Clingy toddler phases are so normal as to be not worth worrying about..Just relax a bit, don't over analyse everything.
Kids pick up on our anxieties, and it can become a feedback loop..

Sitting in the back of the car sounds a bit dottyville though.. The front seat isn't so far away, and if she has a seat behind the driver, she can see the passenger easily.

When they head off to their own lives, and snippety snip at the apron strings, it is us who has the 'Separation Angst'.. 😱🙂

Don’t worry, she’ll grow out of it. DD1 was exactly like this, I couldn’t even go to the toilet without her screaming and crying...but she’s now the most independent 16yr old who can’t wait to leave home!!!

@Shesapunkpunk

But pandering to her demands does not show you are a rock, it shows you are a pushover. Or does she think her dad is less reliable than you? I doubt it very much.

I don't think this is right at all. You're not being a pushover. If you were you'd give in all the time, which you clearly don't. Picking your battles is the sensible option.

You've had some great advice already. As a former nursery worker I agree with what PP said - kids are absolutely fine quickly and usually before the parents have left the building.
It's mostly a performance. I suspect she's not really as upset as she seems. There's probably a little bit of anxiety that is being exaggerated to show you how much you mean to her.
The best thing you can do is leave quickly and not seem bothered about the crying. "I'm off to the shops now, I'll be back soon. Bye". Wave and leave. Let others deal with the fallout and trust that they can. It will lessen.
I second Owl Babies as a bedtime story to emphasise that mummies come back too. So fun to read and well written.
Good luck OP.

My bay was like this. I was his safe place. My instincts told me to indulge his needs and i spent as much time as i could with him (which was lots). It wasn't always easy but i felt way happier being there for him when he needed me than not.

Very gradually, in his own time, he developed a trust in the world around him that it would meet his needs and the resilience to cope during times when it wouldn't. He is the most secure in himself, confident, happy and independent young man of his peer group now and i feel that some of this is down to the fact that he rarely experienced abandonment as a young child.

I totally disagree that we make our children stronger and more capable with tough love. Its my experience that whilst these children learn to cope, they also carry scars from it. I think lots of parents have a fear that if they indulge their childs insecurities they'll grow up fearful of the world and unable to stand on their own two feet when in fact the opposite happens.

Trust your instincts OP. Model love and compassion. These are both strengths. Sit in the back of the car and hold your toddlers hand. Children grow up so quickly. I know it can feel exhausting now, but it's time well spent and it's a worthy investment for the rest of your children life.

In the meantime, get the hugs you need to build your own resilience. Find support on line from attachment parenting groups. You might not go along with the whole thing but cherry pick the bits you find supportive

By the time she is 6 - she will find other things more important than you!

I had another child when my eldest was two. Put bluntly, I didn't have time to pander to his tantrums and he was a much more independent toddler as a result. My youngest on the other hand was much harder work with tantrums, and I do hand on heart believe that it was because he always had 100% of my attention by then when his brother was in school. I did do things that were the path of least resistance because I had to get him out of the house on time to pick his brother up from school etc.

It's a fine line and at this age there is a danger of falling into habits that last. Not every stage passes from here on in. Do you really want to be sitting in the back seat for another two years?

My middle child was like this and it was exhausting. But, I knew that within 10-15 minutes she was fine with whoever she was left with (DH, family, some friends, nursery school).

For us, it was a phase (not that we knew it at the time) and lasted about 6 months. Of all 3 kids she is the shyest, needs some time in a situation/with people before she’s comfortable/confident.

We went at her pace where possible but, at times, she had to fit in with the rest of the family. I still did all the things I needed to do which included having time away from her for my own sanity.

It’s unlikely to last long and if it had I’d have sought help from the GP, HV, etc.

She isn’t manipulating you or being clever. She wants her mom, you make her feel safe and secure. She’s 2 not 12. Do what you need to do to get through and don’t worry about ‘tough love’ and ‘breaking bad habits’ for now. She’s 2, enjoy her and indulge her and she will grow into a happy and secure child

I would be firm with her that screaming won’t bother you and try and ignore it I know it’s hard as a mum they pull on our heartstrings but they are also very clever too. Don’t give in or pick her up when she’s protesting and sitting in the back with her is definitely giving her the message she can control you. I know that sounds harsh for a two year old but it can get out of hand and become quite comtrolling. Be firm and act unbothered even when you are. Take no notice when she screams and give attention for being good.