Feeling sorry for myself over awful childhood

[user1475002412]

I never realised what an awful start I’ve had in life until I had children. Single teenager mother, never known my dad, poverty, sexual abuse from my mothers many bad relationship choices, bullied at school because I was so shy, no self-esteem, no confidence.

Done ok for myself, good job, lovely DH but the stigma of my childhood never goes. Friends asking me about my dad and me going red in the face because how do you explain you don’t even know your dads name? Even children who are from divorced families can at least, in the majority, say they have a dad!

I feel sad when my children ask why they don’t have a grandad, why I don’t have a dad. Sad my mum refuses to talk about or acknowledge how hard my life has been.

Sorry that was a rant but I can’t help thinking my crappy childhood has affected my entire life. Does anyone else feel like this?

I’m sure lots of people do, but whatever your childhood was like, as an adult you can decide what your life is like/going to be like.
That may involve counselling or therapy, but the future is literally in your hands.
Awful childhoods can’t ruin childhood but they don’t need to ruin your life.

Just me then

I'm sorry OP . I had a shitty childhood too which led to bullying/zero self esteem etc. Most of my adult relationships were pretty crap in my late teens and early twenties too. I've been let down by pretty much everyone I considered to be a friend and my family. You just need to get on with your life, and it sounds like there are good things in your life now, and if people ask stuff you don't want to answer just make something up if that's easiest. People, generally, do not care and that's the truth. Take care of yourself, OP.

Despite your abusive childhood, you have a good job, DH, and children that love you. Be proud of what you are, who you are, you have done this on your own. Do you realise how special this is - how special you are?

You not knowing who your father was - no reflection on you. Your abusive childhood that you survived, and rose like a phoenix from the ashes from? Says nothing about you. Except what an exceptional person you are.

Be honest with your children. Grandparents aren't a necessity, they are an agreeable luxury - one that you cannot provide from your side.

I could written most of your post. I don’t know my father, shitty experiences as a child. I won’t go into details.

Anyway, I have come to accept that my mother’s mistakes were not mine. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of because those weren’t my errors.

So I’m honest about what I’ve been through if people ask. But it’s taken a while to get there.

Hi op. It's very common if you had crap parenting to block it out and try and move on but for it to all come flooding back when you have your own kids. You look at your own kids and wonder how your own parents could have behaved as they did. It's ok to feel angry and sad at being failed. You don't have to bottle it up and suck it up

Be proud..you have done brilliantly.

I had a difficult childhood myself, my mum and brother dying when I was 14 as an example. I don’t know why but I fejt quite empowered reading this, thought I would post in case it resonated with someone to keep going

www.motherhoodandmore.com/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers/

Well not someone, you I mean OP!

Thankyou everyone for replying. What makes it worse is my mum comes across as being a genuinely nice person and I’m sure she loves me. But whenever she’s “nice” to me all I can think about is me bravely telling her about her boyfriend getting into bed with me when I was 11 and her response being “I’ll tell him not to come to the house anymore” 🙁 she still saw him & she did let him back in our house.

She never mentions my childhood almost as if she too had erased it all from her mind. She’s a very nice grandmother too which again I find hard to comprehend. She was slagging off one of my friends saying she shouldn’t let a man move in when she has children when my mum always had men living with us throughout my childhood in fact one still lives there now!

No advice to add but I just wanted to say that it sounds like you've broken the cycle and have done amazingly well- so every day you can be proud of what you've achieved!
Having my children brought back memories of my own dysfunctional upbringing (not as bad as yours but still pretty rubbish in many ways). Counselling really helped unpicking it all and dealing with the anger and sadness, and with the fact that my sibling doesn't see the dysfunction. Hang in there OP - MN is a great place for support.

It’s ok to feel let down and sad about the childhood you had. I feel that way too. It’s crap and you deserved better and it’s good to acknowledge that I think. The thing it doesn’t do is define you though. You are so much more than your experiences. You have done so well in spite of such a painful past to get a good job, marry someone Who is sound and to be a great parent.

That’s a lot of past trauma you’re carrying around with you .

None of what happened was your fault, you were a child and you needed protecting. You have done so well to build a lovely life now, but please have some therapy to deal with your childhood. You really deserve peace x

Like @Iggly said - I also decided to be completely honest about my upbringing. I have nothing to be ashamed of. None of it was my fault. It took me a long time to get to that point.

I think abusive parents (my mother was every shade of abusive) kind of wipe it from their memory banks because it would be too awful to admit to themselves what they have done.

The one she taught me was how NOT to be a mother. So I guess that's a good thing.

I went completely no contact with my entire birth family 3 years ago, and I don't regret it for a minute. I forgive the violence and abuse, but I owe them nothing.

Hold you head up and be proud of who you are. You're a survivor. Nobody has the right to rewrite your story. It belongs to you.

You are amazing. What you’ve achieved and able to still maintain a relationship with your mum? With therapy/ help/ time you can book back on your childhood and truly know it was not your fault. To understand what the ill treatment and loss cost you, but also what it made you, in a positive way. This understanding will ease the feeling of comparing and despairing at the more straightforward lives of others.

I’m so sorry OP, I meant to say that while awful childhoods can ruin childhoods they don’t have to ruin your life.

Some great responses already.

Don't hide your past from your children or others, the shame is not yours. You can say it simply, I never knew my father, it's not something my mother ever talked about. Yes, it's sad, but I have you and Daddy now and you are my family as well as granny.

Unlocking things when you have your own children is very common. With time you will find a way to talk about this, even if it is to tell your mother that what she did was wrong and to tell your children that Granny didn't always look after you and protect you from people who were a danger to you. Having these things out in the open, ensures that the child that was you does not bear responsibility for them and helps ensure they don't happen again. Take your time, find people to talk to, especially your partner. Be kind to yourself and the child that was you.

I feel the same as you, on the surface have a great life, and much of the time I am pretty happy, but I acknowledge there’s a wound within me that will probably never heal entirely.

@MoggyMittens23 Thanks so much for that link, it really helped me

@FreshEggs

OP I completely empathise.

I had a horrible childhood and even though I had therapy and still under the care of specialists for PTSD and other trauma, I will never overcome the terrors I have experienced.

I have done well for myself, but feel like an empty unloved shell of a person.

Actually I don't feel like a person at all.

I don't know what to say. Not everything can be overcome.

I just want to raise my children and wait for death to release my suffering.

You sound wonderful
How amazing you have made such a beautiful life with your DH and kids despite such a terrible start

Please don’t feel shame when asked about your dad. You have no shame there and in truth I don’t think you mum does for that. It happens. He wasn’t involved. You are still wonderful but it is hard not having a foot in both sides of our heritage and being able to place who we are within that.

As for the childhood sexual abuse- please get some counselling. Your mum let you down badly and I’m not surprised her inability to acknowledge or discuss that has made it hard for you to move on.

You have had to cope with much much more than most children and yet here you are with a good relationship and being a fantastic mum yourself.
That shows you are amazing.
More amazing than most.

Be proud of you. Get therapy to reconcile the abuse and lack of relationship with your dad and keep facing forwards.

Shitty childhood here too. I'm in therapy. It has helped me understand why I am how I am. However I don't feel particularly empowered to make changes. I too am just waiting for this life to be over.

I’m so sorry for everyone that has had an awful childhood. Thank you for taking the time to comment. Whilst I have somehow managed to do ok I know that my life would have been so much better if I’d had a decent start in life. I feel
So angry all the time. I did have therapy & I remember telling the therapist that I wished I’d been adopted. And I still feel that.

I can never ever forgive my mother for the childhood she gave me. Memories pop into my head all the time. I remember as a 12 year old her suggesting that we pretend I was pregnant when she found out she was pregnant by her latest boyfriend and pretend the baby was mine. She didn’t want her parents to know. I can’t imagine asking my daughter to do this!

I grew up with an alcoholic, violent father, a passive mother and a brother with ASD who liked to kick me more than play with me. I have a rare bone disorder which causes lumps to grow on my bones, I have some padding now so you can't see them but when I was small you could, and that combined with my huge nhs glasses meant l was teased mercilessly. I had very few friends and it was only my imaginary best friend that kept me going.

Today I am married with an amazing son and 3 stepchildren. My ds has a brilliant childhood. I've made sure if it. A bad childhood doesn't have to define you. In some ways I'm grateful for it because it's made me a kinder, compassionate person and a better mum. I know how it feels to feel worthless and trapped. My son will never feel that.

Use your past experiences for good, let them make you more resilient. 💐

Did you report to police the men that abused you?

Have you had any therapy to deal with the issues?

You may find it easier to go NC with your mother; she doesn’t deserve to see you and her grandchildren after what she did. Never let her look after your children alone.