Feeling sorry for myself over awful childhood

[user1475002412]

I never realised what an awful start I’ve had in life until I had children. Single teenager mother, never known my dad, poverty, sexual abuse from my mothers many bad relationship choices, bullied at school because I was so shy, no self-esteem, no confidence.

Done ok for myself, good job, lovely DH but the stigma of my childhood never goes. Friends asking me about my dad and me going red in the face because how do you explain you don’t even know your dads name? Even children who are from divorced families can at least, in the majority, say they have a dad!

I feel sad when my children ask why they don’t have a grandad, why I don’t have a dad. Sad my mum refuses to talk about or acknowledge how hard my life has been.

Sorry that was a rant but I can’t help thinking my crappy childhood has affected my entire life. Does anyone else feel like this?

Your experiences sound truly traumatic and awful. I think your feelings now about them are absolutely normal and justified, they seem a very healthy part of processing and coping. It's so difficult to have it all come up though..

I have not had your childhood but had my own trauma in other ways. I present as reasonably successful and 'together' but I have a very hard shell and don't let anyone in to my true vulnerable self, partly because of that difficult childhood.

Trauma runs deep and leaves terrible scars. Even though my experiences made me who I am, It really makes me want to protect my children from anything bad ever happening to them ☹️

I am so sorry for what you went through

OP, my childhood was also very far from ideal, and while I thought I’d dealt with it — partly by focusing on the fact that my parents were both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds and didn’t know any better — when I had my son I found myself absolutely furious and continually dwelling on why they had not even tried to do better.

No advice, other than counselling, but sympathies.