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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable????

28 replies

MB64 · 14/08/2020 13:44

My 17 year old daughter has told me that my partner has got to leave as she is scared of him and cannot move in with her boyfriend for another year so he must go. She refuses to talk to him or be in the same room as him this has gone on since just after her birthday during lockdown, I am now piggy in the middle and I am at my wits end. The reason she says she is scared of him is because he has told her on 4 occasions ( over the last 3 years ) to stop swearing at me and treat me with some respect. Then when she removed a painting she had done for him and destroyed it heard him "sound off" to me. My partner is a "Friday night gamer" on line with his best mate and sometimes things can get a bit noisy, my daughter says she finds this aggressive? He has offered to stop gaming or move out to the office, but my daughter does not want him to do this. I have said to her that I do not think this warrant him being thrown out, but now I am being accused of being a bad mum who doesn't care - any advice welcome .....

OP posts:
CormoranStrike · 14/08/2020 13:48

It’s an extreme reaction, so I think there must be some extreme behaviour.

I would wonder if you are subconsciously minimising his attitude. Or if incidents have happened that she is not comfortable sharing.

sixlemons · 14/08/2020 13:52

Your daughter finds your DP aggressive and she is scared of him.

You need to be honest with yourself here. Can he be loud and appear aggressive? When he told her to stop swearing, did he tell her calmly and without a raised voice, or did he get angry and shout at her? Is he of tall/large build and could appear very intimidating to a teenage girl?

Where is her father in all of this? Could she go and live with him for a while?

AmandaHoldensLips · 14/08/2020 13:54

What kind of person is your daughter? Is she generally a good kid/normal teenager? Or is she a nightmare?

All I know is that I would never put a man before any kid of mine. Even if it was a simple as "I don't like him" - that would be enough.

I think a parent has to put their child's interests before their own. Once they're grown up it's a different matter.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
Witchend · 14/08/2020 14:00

The fact it seemed to step from a specific date, and you don't mention seeing anything happen then, would raise red flags for me.
Something happened on that date and you need to find out what.

Original poster
MB64 · 14/08/2020 14:08

@sixlemons - Honestly, he wasn't aggressive when he told her off he said it calmly each time and when she replied with abuse to him he took it and did not rise to the bait. He is a tall/well built man and when he is gaming can get loud ( my daughter games also and can be just a loud).

Her father was an mentally and physically abusive man to me and my girls- he did shout and was aggressive, so I am wondering whether my daughter is making a link between my partner and her father? I actually got social services involved to see if they could help and they saw nothing that gave them any cause for concern.

Up until Lock down my daughter had actually been talking to my partner about being formally adopted by him when we get married. I am at a loss...

OP posts:
Spied · 14/08/2020 14:15

I'd be taking DD away from the environment, doing something- just the two of you, and asking her for an adult conversation where she tells you what's really happened.
I really think there's more to this.

Original poster
MB64 · 14/08/2020 14:18

@CormoranStrike - It is an extreme reaction you are right, according to my daughter she has not liked him since Nov 19, but we actually had one of the best Christmas's ever so that makes no sense. I don't think I am making light of his actions. He offered to move into the outside office to game if he was too loud, he offered to leave if that what my daughter wanted as he does not want to come between me and my girls, but my daughter didn't want him too as then he would not be part of the family. If there was anything else going on she would tell me I work from home and honestly until Lockdown everything seemed absolutely fine....

OP posts:
CormoranStrike · 14/08/2020 14:22

Sorry OP - but to remember to the date so specifically means something happened on that date.

HotSauceCommittee · 14/08/2020 14:29

@Spied

I'd be taking DD away from the environment, doing something- just the two of you, and asking her for an adult conversation where she tells you what's really happened. I really think there's more to this.
What Spied said. Please take her somewhere neutral and dig for the real reason. This will not have come from nowhere.
Original poster
MB64 · 14/08/2020 14:30

@AmandaHoldensLips - My youngest is 17, has always been headstrong and because she was very ill when she was 8 has always got away with that little bit more than the eldest. If I honestly thought there was an issue with his attitude I would show him the door, - but all he's guilty of is being a noisy gamer once a week and reprimanding my daughter for swearing at me and in a couple of instances making me cry. I've put my children first for 21 years - I have said to her that her happiness is the most important thing to me and that if that what it take to make her happy I will ask him to leave, but apparently unless I agree with her that he is awful then there is no point in doing that......funny enough that was one of the things I've been accused of by my daughter apparently this is the first time I have not done as shes asked straight away and have put my feelings first. She has said he can move out and then move back in when she leaves to move in with her boyfriend next September.

OP posts:
foofoomagroo · 14/08/2020 14:36

Maybe she just wants more time with you.
Maybe something else is going on
You need to find out
I agree with the PP who said take her out alone and get to the bottom of this
Something isn't adding up and as it's a sudden change the alarm bells should be ringing

minnieok · 14/08/2020 14:42

Hard to say. Teenagers often don't like change, they don't like their parents dating, and see a partner moving in as intrusive. I'm not saying she's lying but she may well be subconsciously exaggerating small things. My dd didn't like it when dp stayed over, didn't want to talk to him but it is because she's not comfortable around any men but her dad, nothing he said or did, just that he's not her dad.

In this case OP he told her off (yore rightly from what you wrote) and she's now kicking up a fuss, I'm guessing because he's not a push over. They don't always mean to but teens can be very manipulative and self centred.

I think gaming in the outside office is a good compromise for now, keep an eye on the situation and try to spend some 1:1 time with her

Original poster
MB64 · 14/08/2020 14:44

@CormoranStrike - That was the first time he told her off, I'd had a blood transfusion at the end of October and was a bit emotional to say the least, I'd cooked dinner for my daughter, but she'd returned it to the kitchen and was telling me that I'd got it wrong and she wouldn't eat it - my partner walked in from work to find my daughter shouting at me and me in tears ( I was a little emotional because of the transfusion I think) - he told her to stop shouting at her mother nothing more. I think he embarrassed her if I'm honest but that was the start of things. She gave us a Christmas list at the beginning of December, and was nice to my partner and we had a lovely christmas ( she had argued with her sister and gave me an ultimatum that it was either my eldest daughter or her at home for christmas) my eldest lives away at uni and did not come home for christmas because of it - not what I would have wanted but I had little choice.

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 14/08/2020 14:45

I also honestly think there is more to this, you don't have the full story - that's why it isn't making sense to you.

You need to talk to her alone, away from the house as other posters have suggested.

CormoranStrike · 14/08/2020 14:52

Mmmmm that now sounds like a pattern emerging of your daughter having the biggest say in who lives or socialises in your home.

I would definitely still investigate as my spider senses are pinging here, but having refused to have your DD home previously it sounds like she has form.

Forgive the bluntness of the question, but does she have mental health issues? I know family members who are downright rude when they are depressed.

CormoranStrike · 14/08/2020 14:53

BTW how long has had your boyfriend lived in your house?

Purpleartichoke · 14/08/2020 15:02

The current situation has your daughter planning to jump into living with a boyfriend at a very young age. You should be doing everything you can to discourage that.

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2020 15:18

From your description of her behaviour and his I would say you are not being unreasonable. She was being very unkind to you and he wasn't out of line to tell her off. I would speak to her privately about whether there's anything more she isn't telling you, but in the absence of that, all that should be required is for him to game in the office, really. If there's nothing more to it and she won't accept that compromise, then she is just being demanding and entitled.

SweetPetrichor · 14/08/2020 15:20

From an outsider point of view, it sounds like she rules the roost and is flexing her muscles. I'd ask your boyfriend to game in the office and maybe try to keep the volume down as much as possible, but I wouldn't be asking him to leave.

AmandaHoldensLips · 14/08/2020 16:09

That does sound like a tough situation. I do feel for you.

17 is such a tender age.

If I can make a suggestion? Would you be able to get together with a counsellor so you can hear each other out in a safe environment? I mean you and your daughter. That would certainly show that you are listening to her and are worried about the family set-up situation.

Perhaps she needs a safe space to vent and be heard. You might learn what's behind all this and behind her behaviour.

Teenagers are a fucking nightmare, but it's our job as parents to help them through that nightmare. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be a teenager right now for all the tea in China.

Good luck and I hope you can find a way through this that brings you and your daughter back into some harmony.

Original poster
MB64 · 14/08/2020 16:20

Hi - I've taken her out, I work from home so we are together ever day anyway, She'll be around me during the day when my partner isn't at home but as soon as he returns she will go to her room and game go on computer / watch tv ( to be honest something she did anyway, except now she makes a point of telling me that I am forcing her to go to her room as I will not get rid of my partner. My spider senses were raised for a short time, but in all honesty having been in an abusive relationship and survived, you know the signs, my daughter is very straight forward , if there was any sort of problem she would tell me if for no other reason that it would mean I would throw him out and take any necessary action. She is adamant that its just that she hates him and she feels he should leave but he can come back when she moves out as while he is here she is not happy and that's not fair. My partner is a gentle giant who would die for me or my girls. I put him through hell before he moved in - and got the approval of the girls beforehand. We have been Living together for three years and have known each other for 7 so its not a short term relationship. When we have spoken about it she says that she thinks it is unfair that I am happy and she is not. She'll be 18 in April, she has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, but they started growing apart during lockdown because they couldn't see each other for almost 4 months, I don't think it helped that the three of us were all under the same roof 24/7. She has anxiety and a fear of "loud" voices from the way her father was. she has been seen by our mental health team who confirmed that she suffers from anxiety and was having help, but decided to stop

OP posts:
daisychain1620 · 14/08/2020 16:31

It sounds like she likes to have a say in what's going on and making you decide between her and whoever else (your other daughter) makes her sound like a bit of a brat. That's maybe not the right term as I'm sure she is lovely and not a brat but that's what it seems like.
Is she mature enough to have a proper conversation about it all?
Lock down has been a challenging time for most and I can only imagine what it's like for a teen

Original poster
MB64 · 14/08/2020 16:40

@AmandaHoldensLips - I wouldn't be a teenager now I think they have a such tough time - social media doesn't help - makes it easy to bully the weak and influence them on how they should look/behave etc.
I did suggest counselling, but she didn't want to go - I ended up inviting Social services to my home as I was worried not only for my daughters well being but to be honest for my own and my partners.
They came in spoke to her and to me and my partner, then spoke with just my daughter and me and they came to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with our home or the support my daughter gets from us and there was certainly no safety issue , she said that we should give her her space and that it maybe just difficult for her to accept that her mother is allowed a life too .........
My partner has started going to his best friends overnight every now and then, so that we get some "mother and daughter" time but nothing seems enough and all she says she wants is for it to be me and her ( not even her sister) until she moves out then she doesn't mind what I do...... I'm at a loss I really am.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2020 18:36

Well saying you should do what she wants because she can't accept that her mother has a life too is unreasonable off the bat and not something to be rewarded from someone who will legally be an adult next year. She is seventeen and has a boyfriend of her own, she is more than old enough to understand that everyone is entitled to a life of their own. That is purely selfish and controlling. It's a somewhat different issue if she just doesn't like him being a part of her home life but that is not how she has described it here, and to be honest it sounds like you have been pretty considerate and accommodating of those feelings already.

isadoradancing123 · 14/08/2020 20:28

If you are totally happy that nothing inappropriate is going on,then do not let her dictate, she will move in with her boyfriend in another year or whenever suits her and you will be left, no she does not get to dictate