When your neighbour thinks they are a porn star...

[nancy75]

Every time my neighbour sends her kids to their dad’s we have to put up with bellowing porn noises ( grunts, groans, fuck me’s, the works)

It’s loud to the point that we can hear them in every room of our house.

Tonight has been a particular extravaganza because they’ve got all the windows open.

Normally this is something I’d just laugh at (loudly, it’s very fake & quite comical) but I don’t want my daughter to have to listen to it (they don’t do it with the kids in the house, so they know it’s not child friendly)

How do I shut them up?

Record and report.

Ask if you can go round so your daughter can meet their new teacup pig.

I heard our neighbour a couple of nights ago as they had the windows open “oh Steve” on repeat, I thought about joining in by shouting asking if I could have a go with Steve. But instead I decided to be very British by pretending the awkward situation wasn’t happening. I do however play rugby with Steve, so I have ‘banked’ this incident for future use, I just need the perfect moment to embarrass him.

SimonJT from the sound of the bellowing last night it was not an animal that would fit in a teacup, more a fully grown sow!

Sounds like my neighbour. It sounds like she is dying sometimes. I can't stand it. She is obviously faking it. She is moving out. I am counting down the days.

@SimonJT I would continually say ‘oh Steve’ to him.

Like ‘oh Steve you shouldn’t have’ or ‘oh Steve great game’ etc

@SimonJT you should have played Only You by Steve Monite loudly at them. (I'm not too lazy to link, it's just that every time I try it posts one about pig brains instead!)

@SimonJT

Ask if you can go round so your daughter can meet their new teacup pig.

I heard our neighbour a couple of nights ago as they had the windows open “oh Steve” on repeat, I thought about joining in by shouting asking if I could have a go with Steve. But instead I decided to be very British by pretending the awkward situation wasn’t happening. I do however play rugby with Steve, so I have ‘banked’ this incident for future use, I just need the perfect moment to embarrass him.

So many possibilities to use it...

Our neighbour used to shout "you're the best" really loudly when she shagged her DH. We could hear it so clearly her kids could. My DH used to either bellow the Tina Turner song loudly, or make fake sex noises himself to show them how sound carries.

Yy to make a playlist and play it loudly when they start. Let's get it on, sexual healing, little red corvette, that nine inch nails one that goes "I want to fuck you like an animal". Might have to dispatch your own kids to somewhere else first though i suppose.

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners (love the username too)

You're simply the best
Better than all the rest
Better than anyone
Anyone we've ever heard

You're faking so hard
We can hear every word you scream
He tears you apart
Or that's what you would have us believe

Oh, OP, this could be lots of fun.

My brother in law knocked on the door and said "Mate, she's faking it, no one is that good"

Calmed things right down!

I would love for you to play sexual healing through the walls!!

My mum lived above noisy shaggers. She found an article about the subject and posted it through their door anon.
It stopped after that.

I'd be tempted to blast some death metal every time she starts to put her off her stride

You know, some (a lot of) people really aren’t faking it. They’re just naturally loud.

There used to be a couple in my home village who got plastered all over The Sunday Mirror (or something akin) with the headline "Are These Britain's Noisiest Shaggers?".

Multiple neighbours had got so fed up they made multiple complaints which somehow got picked up by a red top. It worked and they moved soon after.

I knew one of them as she'd gone to my school.

I would be tempted to gather the neighbours and all laugh loudly every time they do it. No cheering, it'll egg 'em on.

@AllTheGuac

You know, some (a lot of) people really aren’t faking it. They’re just naturally loud.

Yes, but there is a time and a place to let go and be noisy, that place is not somewhere that other people, particularly children can hear you.

@AllTheGuac

You know, some (a lot of) people really aren’t faking it. They’re just naturally loud.

In which case they should at very least Shut their windows. They manage to be quiet when their kids are at home, they just become naturally noisy when it’s only other people’s kids that can hear

How revolting. I'd tell them straight that it stops now. However, in my experience people know when they are being noisy and inconsiderate and take offence when you tell them...

@ Harriet. I think I remember that case was their last name Cartwright?

@SimonJT @nancy75 yes, I understand that. I was more so pushing back against the prudish narrative that she must be faking it or no woman ever has that much fun. That’s wholly incorrect and to me shows a sense of shame regarding women enjoying themselves during sex.

Buy a recording a a dog barking/chainsaw/road drill (your choice) and play it as loud as them to drown them out, placing it on the adjoining fence. Only stop when they do. Twats

A lot of these replies although funny can’t surely be what people would really do? How is that helping the OP?

A note through the door is the only way!