Don’t want mother in law at wedding. What do I do?

[House174565]

I know this may seem selfish but I’ll explain.... please be kind/gentle.

Me and my mother in law do not get along. It’s completely irreversible. We did get along when I first got with my OH. She was a nice lady, bit of a drama queen but what MILs aren’t! Without sounding sour she does flit from man to man as she likes money and when they don’t buy her what she wants they’re gone, but that’s up to her.

Anyway, I found out rather quickly after being with my OH (8 months) that I was pregnant. My little boy wasn’t planned, I was on contraception but unfortunately it failed - I guess you hear that off a lot of people but genuinely it is the truth. I was on the injection for 5+ years and never missed any appointments.

My MIL was happy for us when we told her and everything was great until she met the man she’s with now. He’s a bit of a know it all / heavily opinionated type and when I was 30 weeks pregnant actually shouted at me for being heavily pregnant and too exhausted to take on tasks! But because I had a go back and told my OH (wasn’t there at the time) and my OH had a go, I’m in the wrong with my MIL. She’s called me every name under the sun and I’m deemed not good enough for her son.

At that point I said to my OH I think it best I not be involved with your MIL for a while as I don’t want to cause drama. He agreed but obviously he’s carried on a relationship with them. From that point she’s taken it a step further which in my opinion is a little psycho. She firstly tried to prove I was a liar to break me and my OH up. By 1. She called my old place of work up to ask whether I’d ever worked there. 2. She asked for my graduation certificates to prove my qualifications. 3. She asked for my registration documents to prove who I’m registered with (work related) 4. She did a check on my car to see what finance is on it and how much down payment I put on it. 5. She tried to gain passwords to check my personal information. She did A lot of other things too!
I did give my OH all the above details she’d asked for as she went on that much he started to doubt me.

She then tried to turn my OH against me. She again mentioned all the above even though none of it came to anything as I am not a liar. She then told my OH I’d only gotten pregnant to trap him and that I’d planned it all along. She actually asked him if he was sure our son was actually his! She made up lies, saying I’d told her things that were not true, apparently I’ve lied because I’m intimidated of her and so on..... bare in mind I was around 33-34 weeks pregnant when all this kicked off and I gave birth at 36 weeks! I also had very bad antenatal depression which went into postnatal depression. I personally think the stress she put on my relationship made it a lot worse.

I won’t keep rambling on but it does get worse. She’s said and done some very unforgivable things. I tried to forgive, I really have but then she started again after our son was born and to this day If my OH mentions me she’ll call me some nasty stuff. Oh and she had the audacity to ask my OH to rent her house off her as she’s moving in with her partner!

So....... fast forward. Me and my OH are looking at wedding plans as we’re going to book it in for early 2022. I really do not want her or her partner there. That much so that I’ll even consider not marrying my OH if it meant she not be there. I know factual shell say something at the wedding to hurt me. My main worry is a fight breaking out between my MIL and my family (they’ve never met). I also know she will put me down, there will also be several other dramas she’ll cause from now until the wedding. I just can’t do it, it’s making me feel sick thinking about having her there! Even other family members do not like his mum. My OH dad for example, doesn’t go to any function which involves her as she and his new wife actually end up physically fighting! When I first started seeing my OH his friends actually use to call to make sure his mum wasn’t home before they came round! It’s ridiculous!!

What do I do? I’ve spoken to my partner and we can’t agree on whether to having a small wedding in this country and only invite close family (which I’d absolutely love) OR to go abroad and not invite anyone. We have close family and friends who would love to be there, it’s just his mum! I also don’t want to ruin his relationship between him and his mum. I also don’t want to ruin our relationship as he might resent me for asking her not to be invited.

Could I have opinions please? Thank you xx

My mother-in-law is amazing. She is a treasure and since the death of my own mum, she has become like my mum.

OP- My mum isn't a drama queen, is yours? My ex (now my best friend) she treats as a son. They actually said when he lost his mum, that she would be his adopted mum. That was 13 years ago, he's come to every family thing she's been involved in for about the last 16 years.

Absolutely no way would I marry a man who would continue a relationship with anyone who treated me that badly, family or not.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I’ll try answer everyone in one message.

I agree my OH didn’t stick up for me and completely agree his is scared of her. Im not sure why though. I really do love him. He does tell his mum to pack it in but she doesn’t stop! He has hardly seen her recently because of all this as he doesn’t want to be around her. He’s accepted that it’s abnormal for her to have done that.

Also to clarify, I showed my OH the documents, not my MIL, not that it makes it sound any better. But there’s no way I was letting her see them. They’re my personal information that whilst I have nothing to hide, I’d rather keep between people I trust.

My MIL is not allowed to have my DC. She doesn’t ask to see our DC, she’s seen him twice since his birth! And my OH sister is yet to meet our DC!

Her relationship with other family members are very few and far between. My SIL doesn’t speak to her currently and they have a very strained relationship. Then other than my OH she doesn’t speak to any other family. Her relationship with my OH dad broke down as she cheated on him.

I didn’t mean to intentionally tar every MIL with the same brush. I’ve only ever had her as a prospective MIL. My previous partner didn’t see his mum so I’ve only got this one from experience. I bet there’s some wonderful mother in laws. I wish I had one!

I appreciate all the comments. It reinforces the fact that it’s definitely not right what she did!

But he believed her shit enough to doubt you. That's an issue in itself. He can't blame his DM for his reaction.

Its not right what she did, but you have only dealt with this wierdness for a few years, your OH has had this all his life. But, he needs to find a way to deal with her that doesn't sacrifice his relationship with you and your son.
There seems to be more to the family dynamic if your OH sister hasn't yet seen your DC? and your SIL doesn't speak to MIL? Are they also difficult characters, or are they supportive?
Its not just the actual wedding - where do you want to go from here? Will it be enough for you to say all this to OH and resolve it or do you need to help him decide what he wants to happen or could you organise some counselling?

OP, your DP will be carrying some kind of damage from his mum. Did he have another significant adult in his life who met his emotional needs? I would want to find out exactly how far this power she has goes before marrying him. He has obviously drunk the kool aid to a certain extent and how are you meant to know when this will pop up?

I wouldn't marry a man who isn't standing up for you with his mother.

You have had his child. You are supposed to be a team. Yet he's still listening to his mother, a woman who is beyond vile and nasty to you. By keeping her in his life rather than telling her it stops or he's gone, he's not standing up for you.

In your situation, I would elope. Don’t invite anyone. He can only skip inviting his mother if there are no guests or if he is willing to basically end their relationship.

I'd have whatever kind of wedding I truly wanted but would exclude mil and her partner. It isn't fair for your family to not be invited (if you would like them to be there) just because your mil is a bitch. Don't worry about offending a person who doesn't care if she offends you.

Whether he supports you will tell you everything you need to know about whether you should be marrying him or not. Tbh I think he ought to have stopped contact already, given her behaviour.

Well I think you have a ready made excuse right there. He has to choose his mum or his dad as they can't both be there - that's not your fault. Other family members of his won't want to go either - again not your fault.

Then all of his friends hate her. So essentially she is a huge liability to HIM. Having her there means his own father can't be there (along with other family members), and his friends will be very uncomfortable. As will you.

She just can't be told about the wedding. He has to man up and accept that this is the situation. Not your fault not your responsibility. It's your wedding too and you have the right of veto. If you had a vile relative he would have that same right too.

bit of a drama queen but what MILs aren’t!

Errrr ... lots of them. Probably most of them.

Just reading this made me incredibly tired. Get her to trot off

I’m another who’s intrigued to know what the ‘tasks’ involved. Slaying a dragon? Discovering El Dorado?

Never mind not marrying the bloke, I’d be running to the hills from the entire family. Having a go? Fighting? Not getting on with the entire family? They sound as rough as toast.

Why is your dh continuing to entertain her attacks on you and feeding them back to you. He is an adult man now, not mummies little boy. You deserve better from him.

They’re my personal information that whilst I have nothing to hide, I’d rather keep between people I trust.

It is a pity that trust doesn't work both ways in your relationship. Stop and really think about that. How did it get to the point he listened to his mum, he came back to you and needed to see those documents. Don't say you offered, you only offered to prove to him. You shouldn't have had to, he should have trusted you 100% and not even brought it up.

Are you ready to sign up for life to his mum feeding him poison, him believing her and you having to defend yourself. She, and more importantly he, won't change.

Don’t marry him unless he goes non contact with her. You can’t have her in your life.

I would either not marry into his family or go away somewhere secretly to get married.

How easy is it to compartmentalise his family? Eg does he have siblings he is close to who are close to his mother? What other relatives are there on his side? You don't need to answer all this here - draw a diagram or something. If not close, have the wedding here, invite his Dad's side and have a lovely day without her. If not elope, but say you want your Dad to give you away so you want them to come too and they can provide childcare for your little one on your wedding night. Your red lines can be no MiL and you want your Dad to give you away, but other than that he can decide on where and who else to invite.