Is my boyfriend gay?😢

[CJC10]

Hi. I hate to post this, but I really don’t know who I can talk to, all of my friends are also friends with my boyfriend so I’m scared they’ll tell him if I talk to them about it.

I think my boyfriend is gay, and it’s been playing on my mind for a long time now, even more recently because I’m pregnant and I find myself crying about it a lot (stupid hormones lol.) I love my boyfriend, I’ve never felt a connection with any like this before ever and he is really good to me, he does everything he can for me. There is just things that he does which makes me think he likes men.
Here’s why I think he’s gay-

1. I made a joke before that our friend probably has a small penis, and he replied “he doesn’t have a small **”

1. He has admitted to me that he gave oral sex to a man at a party before he started dating me, but he says “I’m not gay I was just really drunk”

1. I went on his phone before and he had transgender porn saved on his phone (men having anal sex with men who were transgender, but still had a penis) when I asked him about this he cried and said he doesn’t know why he watches it and when he “finishes” he feels disgusting afterwards.

1. He always wants me to do butt stuff... to him🤦🏼‍♀️ He always asks me to put my finger up there.

1. He doesn’t really do anything to me during sex, only the sexual intercourse part. The only times he gives me oral sex is during make up sex.. apart from that he never touches me, it’s always me making the first move too.

1. All of my gay friends seem to have a bit of a crush on him, not that it’s his fault, but it’s a bit strange.

1. When I told him that I think he was gay, or Atleast bisexual, he started crying and begging me not to leave him because “he’s not gay”

Maybe I’m just going crazy and he doesn’t like men, but this is my theory -
I think he’s bisexual but doesn’t want to be. I think he watches transgender porn because they are woman with penises, maybe he watches it because he feels a bit better about it because they are woman?? And when he finishes he feels terrible because he doesn’t want to be gay? The guy he gave oral sex to used to work with him, and he also told me that the guy used to brush past him all the time purposely, and his penis would always touch my boyfriends bum. If my boyfriend wasn’t gay, why wouldn’t he tell the guy to stop? And why would he go to a party and go into a separate room with him? After that happened he never went back to that work place, and he hates talking about it, he only told me it happened because he was drunk but he still admits it when he’s sober.
Please help, I don’t know what to do😢does anyone else think he may be gay?

It sounds possible, and what you're describing sounds very much like a previous relationship I had, @CJC10. My ex eventually told me he was bisexual (which I had started to suspect for very similar reasons that you do) and he wanted to explore that side of himself. I wasn't prepared to stay with him through all that - basically he wanted to be unfaithful and frankly I wasn't having that, whether it was with a man or a woman made no difference to me.

You're in a very difficult position due to your pregnancy. Are you prepared to be a single mum? I think staying in this relationship would make you very unhappy.

yeah I think hes gay too or on the gay side of bisexual. I also dont think hes treating you well, which is more to the point

You need to talk to him properly to find out what's going on especially with you being pregnant. Does he know you're pregnant, what was his reaction? It sounds to from what you've said that he is gay & not bisexual & he's really struggling to come to terms with his sexuality.

I have a straight male friend (who is a bit camp) who has once got drunk and admitted to me that he was gay, would meet guya though a gay app, but felt he could never come out as his family wouldn't accept it. I told him not to be silly, no one would care and his family will love him no matter what, but he cried and swore me to secrecy.

He has been in a relationship with a woman for about 7 years. I often wonder if she knows or wonders. I feel terrible for her, but I worry I cant bring it up with him as we never spoke about it again after that one drunken convo.

I have no advice other than that some men just cant admit they are gay for some reason and will be in relationships with women and hide their true feelings for a long time.

Thanks for your reply, he knows I’m pregnant and the baby is due in 9 weeks, he is happy about it. I’ve tried to talk to him but all he says “I’m not gay” it’s like talking to a brick wall🙄😢

Sounds like he’s bisexual and struggling to come to term with it, I think you need to try sit and say we need a honest discussion about it all.

Well to reassure you slightly about some if your reasons:

1. My straight male friends often comment on each others penis size and think it is quite hilarious. They are very open about alot of personal things actually.
2. This does sound like he might be bi-sexual, or gay, but then again he might have just been bi-curious and realized that he didn't enjoy it. I think he clearly thinks there is something is wrong with being gay/bi-sexual and he needs to work on that.
3. The type of porn you watch doesn't necessarily have to correlate with your sexuality, lots of people watch porn that they aren't really interested in doing themselves, sexuality and what turns us on is very complicated. However, again if he is feeling disgusted with himself then I think he needs to work through that.
4. Many straight men enjoy anal play, it is possible for any man to achieve orgasm through prostate stimulation alone. Alot of heterosexual couples engage in power play/pegging in which the woman penetrates the man. There is nothing wrong with that provided that you are BOTH comfortable with that. He should not be asking you to do anything that you don't want to.
5. This could indicate him not being interested - it could also indicate him simply being very selfish in bed. Either way this is something that you need to communicate with each other about because that will never work.
6. I'm bi-sexual, I've had a crush on a few of my straight female friends (they don't know and I wouldn't make them uncomfortable about it). It isn't their fault and it's really not all that strange.
7. I think that depends on the details around the conversation, if you'd both been drinking, if it was an argument, if you'd already suggested that you were going to leave for instance. He could be in denial but he might have just been scared of losing you.

I don't think it sounds like your relationship is good right now it does seem like there are issues to work through, he might be bi-sexual, he might be gay, he might be straight and just had some curiosity, but you have a right to question these things and him refusing to talk to you about any of it is not going to end in a happy relationship.

Yeah he is gay. Straight men do not suck other men’s cocks. They just don’t.

I think this is going to be a very emotionally painful relationship for you all down the line.

Can you imagine giving a girl oral sex at a party then just putting it down to drunkenness?

He sounds bisexual.

But why you decided to get pregnant when you know all of this is beyond me

Its the second point that makes me think he's gay. Men don't do that if they're not at least bisexual.

I'm sorry that your in this situation and pregnant but I think it would just get worse for you and you'll both end up deeply unhappy. Maybe do each other a favour and agree to split up on terms that you tell other people you just drifted apart of was arguing a lot or something.

You can't bring a baby up in this situation, there'll be a lot of tension, confusion, sneaky behaviour etc.

I think he watches transgender porn because they are woman with penises, maybe he watches it because he feels a bit better about it because they are woman??

They really aren’t. It’s gay porn with fake boobs and wigs.

I think he is gay and not treating you well. I wouldn't be happy with the whole situation to be honest. He needs to lead and honest life and be there for you and your child. But I would break free from the relationship.

What @2155User said.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned. I was on the pill when I got pregnant

I refuse to believe he just gave him oral sex without a build up. Kissing, touching etc.
He sounds either gay or bi. The thing is if he was just bi, he is in a relationship with you so should be totally focused on you, but it sounds like he's not. Either he's bi but wants to be with a man (either instead or as well as you) or gay. Seems like something is bothering him though

Of course he’s happy you’re pregnant OP. Being gay doesn’t mean you don’t want kids. It’s also a good way for him to assert ‘straightness’ to the outside world.
As some one said, heterosexual men don’t suck other men’s cocks. He could be bisexual, however he doesn’t seem to be all that interested in you sexually, does he. You and the baby seem to be his straight ‘front’ for the world.

He’s bisexual. He’s obviously struggling to come to terms with it. I think this will get hard for you down the line as you’ll always be wondering. He needs to admit it to himself first.

@LizzieBlackwell

Yeah he is gay. Straight men do not suck other men’s cocks. They just don’t.

Exactly this. It just doesn't happen.

OP, does he have any issues that may be related to trying to cover up his sexuality? I mean, kind of like what he might say are self esteem issues to you, but really it’s struggle with his potential homosexuality?
Also, are there any giveaways in his lifestyle, hobbies, music taste and so forth?

I think he is at least bi, he wouldn't have sucked someone off for a start. He needs to start being honest with himself and you

What was his upbringing like? Was he brought up to see being gay as wrong or shameful?

Maybe he has desire for men and women. But for me the question would be - does be desire me?

And the second question would be- is that enough to stop him from straying? (Has he cheated before?)

It's probably a good thing you arent married as I suspect more will come out further down the line. As you are due a baba, I'd put a pin in it right now. Let him be there for you and help.

Sometimes desires we never knew we had, materialise as life goes on. Other times, people know they have have desires and repress them. Sometimes these desires can overwhelm and threaten to ruin lives. Sometimes we decide that love is more important and stay with our partner (who we may also desire). Sometimes still, we know we have to walk away because we realise we have been living a lie. I do not know which if these your partner falls under or will in the future.

Perhaps you have an instinct.
I would trust that.

Going forwards my instincts would be to always use condoms with him though.

Does his background / upbringing / culture view being gay as shameful or distasteful in some way? That could explain why he isn't comfortable admitting that he at least has tendencies

The fact that he performed oral sex on another man could have simply been curiosity. Or it could have been that his inhibitions were lowered due to the alcohol