Is my boyfriend gay?😢

[CJC10]

Hi. I hate to post this, but I really don’t know who I can talk to, all of my friends are also friends with my boyfriend so I’m scared they’ll tell him if I talk to them about it.

I think my boyfriend is gay, and it’s been playing on my mind for a long time now, even more recently because I’m pregnant and I find myself crying about it a lot (stupid hormones lol.) I love my boyfriend, I’ve never felt a connection with any like this before ever and he is really good to me, he does everything he can for me. There is just things that he does which makes me think he likes men.
Here’s why I think he’s gay-

1. I made a joke before that our friend probably has a small penis, and he replied “he doesn’t have a small **”

1. He has admitted to me that he gave oral sex to a man at a party before he started dating me, but he says “I’m not gay I was just really drunk”

1. I went on his phone before and he had transgender porn saved on his phone (men having anal sex with men who were transgender, but still had a penis) when I asked him about this he cried and said he doesn’t know why he watches it and when he “finishes” he feels disgusting afterwards.

1. He always wants me to do butt stuff... to him🤦🏼‍♀️ He always asks me to put my finger up there.

1. He doesn’t really do anything to me during sex, only the sexual intercourse part. The only times he gives me oral sex is during make up sex.. apart from that he never touches me, it’s always me making the first move too.

1. All of my gay friends seem to have a bit of a crush on him, not that it’s his fault, but it’s a bit strange.

1. When I told him that I think he was gay, or Atleast bisexual, he started crying and begging me not to leave him because “he’s not gay”

Maybe I’m just going crazy and he doesn’t like men, but this is my theory -
I think he’s bisexual but doesn’t want to be. I think he watches transgender porn because they are woman with penises, maybe he watches it because he feels a bit better about it because they are woman?? And when he finishes he feels terrible because he doesn’t want to be gay? The guy he gave oral sex to used to work with him, and he also told me that the guy used to brush past him all the time purposely, and his penis would always touch my boyfriends bum. If my boyfriend wasn’t gay, why wouldn’t he tell the guy to stop? And why would he go to a party and go into a separate room with him? After that happened he never went back to that work place, and he hates talking about it, he only told me it happened because he was drunk but he still admits it when he’s sober.
Please help, I don’t know what to do😢does anyone else think he may be gay?

I think he is gay and struggling with it. DH friend got married and came out years later.
Don't let yourself be that wife.

I don't think he's even bisexual. He's gay and unfortunately you're his beard OP. For whatever reason he doesn't want to admit it.

He sounds gay to me , I’m sorry OP but you really need to move on , co parent but make yourself a life without him as your partner because it will eventually end in tears and you may as well get out now .

And to add, the reason I asked this is because I worked with someone who I think may have been gay - another work mate was convinced they’d seen him on Grinder once. He told me about male celebs he fancied, so I said “Oh do you like men?”, but he was said no as though I’d asked a daft question. He was what they used to term as quite effeminate. Some of his cultural tastes were what you might categorise under stereotypically gay. He also struggled with self esteem issues and alcohol. He told me he hated himself. He used to go for older women, and I wondered if it was because he knew his generation would see through his facade. I was of his age, and if we’re talking about a “straight radar”, then he definitely wouldn’t be on mine. But I can see how a woman 20 years his senior might be flattered by thinking she’s pulled someone so young, without being aware of the red flags.

He’s given another man oral sex. A straight man wouldn’t do this. He’s gay hon

Not a single person on this board, despite their armchair sexuakity expertise, can tell you if your BF is gay, bi, straight, curious etc.

Everything you listed is meaningless and makes not a single difference to his sexuality, any more than a woman snogging a woman makes her a lesbian. Or a woman watching two woman makes her a lesbian. Etc.

The only person that can answer any of this is your Bf, everything else is speculation and bullshit.

I have no advice other than that some men just cant admit they are gay for some reason and will be in relationships with women and hide their true feelings for a long time.

^^This.

OP, you need to make the decision on what to do as he will not admit to it. I fear if you stay with him, he will end up having sex with men behind your back (if he hasn't already) plus put you at risk of STIs.

As PP have said, you can still have a good co-parenting relationship with him but, in your position, I really wouldn't waste the best years of my life with someone who doesn't care about my pleasure, whom I don't trust and who might be cheating on me. Trust your instincts.

Its a very personal thing to put youre mouth round another man's penis when you've never done it before and let someone ejaculate hes gay, the fact he doesnt touch you intimately and inly gives you oral for make up says it all.

There's a bit if a difference between snogging some and sucking their penis!

I think he's certainly confused yes
Why on earth did you decide to have a child with him?
The whole "gay friends fancy him" did make me chuckle though. I have gay friends and they fancy my DH, he is very definitely not gay so being straight doesn't create a non fancying forcefield.

Personally, I think he is at the very least bi. I had a partner who used to protest he wasn't gay he was incredibly feminine. He swore he wasn't until I caught him with one of his mates.

It can be very difficult to come to terms with sexuality, especially if he grew up in a household where it was seen as weird or wrong. Or if he grew up in an era where to call someone gay at school was a serious insult.
But he has to come to terms with it if it is the case before he talks to you. So at this point, you have two choices, continue the relationship and wait and see, or leave now before the child comes along and include him as a co-parent until he gets to where he needs to be.

Regardless of whether he is gay or not (though I think he is) it doesn't sound like a very satisfactory relationship anyway.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who never initiated sex, didn't want to touch me but watches (what is in reality) gay porn.

Personally I'd be working out how to co-parent effectively but separately because I just couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with someone I suspected was using me for cover and who in all probability will at some point in the future come out as gay and be lauded for being brave and stunning whilst I've wasted the best years of my life with them.

I am sorry but I think he is gay not bisexual.

If he had gave another man a hand job when drunk, I could say bi-curious, but not a blow job. No way. For a man there is a massive difference in kissing/touching and blow jobs.

I think he is probably struggling something awful with his sexuality and probably has very genuine love and feelings for you. If he was simply bisexual, he would be focused on you. However, it is clear sex will always be a problem. I suspect he can pretend your a guy if you are doing “butt stuff” and that is not fair on you.

My best friend lived with a woman for five years before they split up and he came out. She had no idea he was gay, neither did anyone as he was very straight-acting. He has told me he genuinely loved her though but something was always missing for him sexually. This might be the same type of deal. You both need to have a long talk and decide how to move forward, but I think there will always be something down the line and you should never settle for anyone.

Whether he is or not, this is not a happy and sustainable relationship, so you need to work it through.

If he is bi or gay, he isn't confident in his sexuality.

Would he consider counselling?

He sounds very like my gay exh. Never initiated sex, never touched me, had, still does, a great deal of internalised homophobia due to Catholic upbringing. Wanted the cover of a straight relationship. Didn't really respect me or my sexual needs.

Oh yes, and he would talk about past encounters with men all the time.

He's gay.

Sorry I think he's in denial aswell. If he refuses to talk about the situation then you will be in limbo for a long time which isn't fair on you. Does he support you in other ways?

@2155User

He sounds bisexual.

But why you decided to get pregnant when you know all of this is beyond me

Any need?

The biggest flag for me was when challenged he started crying about not being gay.

I might ask DH if he is gay.....actually give me a moment......

...."no I'm not gay today but I like to keep my options open....why on earth would you ask that (with this face )"

No tears just a bit of sarcasm until I mentioned MN them he just sighed and asked what the dilemma was.

DH Verdict: He's gay, not bi and definitely not hetro.

Please be gentle with him. Sounds as if he’s got internalised homophobia. My son is currently struggling with this and having suicidal thoughts.

Hugs to both of you, such a hard situation for you. It’s so shit that gay young men end up being ashamed of being gay.

Aye, sounds gay to me! BF is gay and tells me all about the many married men on Grindr etc that are in fact gay! Swerve that bullet whilst you still can love.

It would be nice if you could have a conversation about it but at the end of it all, he will still be gay and you will still be straight and pregnant with his child so it's probably best to start planning your futures separately.

@SecondStarFromTheRight can't help but think you're right on the money.

I think he is gay and I agree, straight men don’t do what he did/does. Maybe there is pressure from his family for him to be with a woman? I would worry being with someone like that that I was only a friend that he has sex with, rather than an actual lover. You should speak to your girlfriends for support. They will be there for you.

He needs to be honest with himself.

He does sound gay or at least bisexual. He's clearly doesn't want to be for reasons we don't know. I think you're living a lie. No advice I'm afraid except to get sti tested.