Are there just some people in life who are not liked at all?

[dislikable]

Through no real fault of their own?

Just disliked and judged badly ?

I’m really struggling with this currently. Have had multiple issues from birth. It’s a theme that I have never been liked and I cannot work out why I’m constantly a manly song my past, my actions and everything I say and do and thinking what do I need to change or is it just something that happens ?

I had a bad childhood my mother tells me the birth was horrific. She said that the nurse told her in hospital I would make her life a misery if she picked me up each time I cried or gave in to me that I was ‘demanding’

Through childhood she wasn’t the nicest (a lot of emotional abuse)
At nursery I remember a couple of the people there would shout at me and punish me for the smallest things. I was always scared.
At school I had few friends. As I got older I was called weird and people would describe me as ‘nasty and unkind’ when I’d never really even spoken to them it’s like it was assumed.

Issues in adult life it’s very rare anyone naturally likes me and I’ve had malicious things said against me totally unfounded.
I’ve been to therapy to try and unlock myself am I subconsciously doing something wrong ?
My therapist wondered if my early life experiences have made me unapproachable and it’s not that I’m doing anything more giving off something as I was virtually rejected by my mother so others pick up on something

I’ve pulled all art every conversation I have and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
In my life I’ve literally had less than 10 people who actually like me genuinely and I don’t know what to do ?

Is it just possible that some people come across badly by mistake and are not likeable ?

A manly song-focusing on ....... at least autocorrect has made me laugh

I don’t have advice but didn’t want to read this and ignore. You definitely do sound likeable, because you wonder about other people and your effect on them. It is very sad that you had a cold-sounding mother. Understandably this has made you feel unlovable and I hope you can believe that this is not because of something wrong with you.

I hope someone comes along soon with better advice and I wish you all the best.

Thankyou I’m just so so confused. I cannot work out what I’ve done/what I am doing wrong?
I can be a bit shy but I try to make sure I’m always kind and yet people perceive me so badly ?
I’m continuing with therapy but I’m picking apart everything and I just can’t see what is wrong

I think there are several things here. Firstly what makes you think everyone else has more people that like them genuinely? Because honestly a lot of relationships that you see around you maybe aren't that. At any given time I would honestly argue that lots of people have less than that who genuinely like and care for them. I don't mean to dismiss what you say but honestly a lot of friendships etc that seem real from the outside really aren't (you have only to look at multiple threads on here where it turns out people are fairweather friends ).

It may be your upbringing has caused you to build a wall (and no surprise at all it would have been a sensible thing to do at the time I'm so sorry you went through that).

I find I have had a handful of people in my life I truly trust and like , I've had lots of acquaintances professionally but I learnt quite quickly they were not friends and when I stopped expecting that of them the relationships were more pleasant.

It can be difficult if you are looking for people to like you (please don't take that as a criticism we all do it from time to time) because we over invest and get let down .

Ask yourself this ...why do you want people to like you? I want my DP and DC to like me (and they do mostly although my 7 year old I might have to check because it changes every 10 minutes currently). I have a couple of friends that I want to like me enough to be friends and honestly everyone else I genuinely do not care. Its lovely of they do like me but if they don't fair enough, they don't have to and it won't hurt me.

I'm hoping I'm making sense but look into why it matters , I like me , my DP and DC like me , everyone else is of less consequence because I don't need them to like me.

You sound like you are working really hard with your mental health and that's a hugely laudable trait, really I think anyone who is prepared to do hard therapeutic work should be lauded.

I'm sorry you feel this way, I bet in reality more people like you than you think! You sound very self-aware, maybe too self-aware, perhaps imagining people don't like you?

I also bet the coldness of your childhood wouldn't have helped.

I don't think people 'warm' to me that much, either but I do have 'enough' people around me that I can generally shrug it off, although occasionally it does get to me a bit. However, in lockdown, I suspect quite a few people who thought they had a supportive network of friends and family surrounding them have had cause to think again.

Also, on MN, I have come to understand that it's actually perfectly acceptable to blow out on an arrangement at the very last moment because you got a better offer or couldn't be bothered, for example! Being at the receiving end of that can make you feel not-particularly well-liked.....

Unapproachable and nasty as reasons why others avoid you are totally different though?

I think if you are difficult to talk to, unapproachable ot have an unfortunate resting face or moody people will just not try because you emit negativity and you might reject them. So people savr themselves the hassle as it doesnt seem like you will add something to their life. People are too busy and transient that they dont care to go througg understanding and supporting a stranger with complex trauma and personality..so if you arent immediatley chatty, friendly, warm, easy breezy, confident type they just dont bother.

I think its not an issue of being unliked its an issue of lacking self esteem and difficulty with trust and forming meaningful relationships.
You aren't cursed or set for a life of this but your experiences have dented you in a way and its quite understandable really. It will take work, as you are doing with your therapist.

Yes its absolutely that you are doing.or acting in a certain pattern that perhaps pushes people away or in the other way it can go sometimes, you 'friendship bomb' people who either runaway from such intensity or take advantage of it.

I sort of cross-posted with Shiny but what they said about apparently close and happy friendships not actually being that great is true.

I was once in a school-mum 'friendship' group, chat in the playground, coffee in the park,the odd evening drinks.

Ostensibly we were all a big, happy, supportive gang; other 'not in the gang' mums might mention their envy to me. But, although there was no overt bitchery, my god, the back-stabbing I'd get to see and hear of! I don't think there was one who didn't complain about probably everyone else at some stage!

And, down the line, none are what you'd call friends anymore! But we all looked the part at the time!

OP, I've PM'd you

I’m just wondering if my childhood has somehow made me so defensive yet I’m not realising it but I try so hard to smile be kind and make sure if I speak to anyone I’m nice etc yet the theme seems to be throughout life that I’m not well liked

Maybe it is the sort of people you are mixing with, are you "trying too hard?", why do you feel the need to analyse every conversation you have? Are you expecting people to be 'best friends' with you?

I work with someone who is extremely difficult, many people refuse to work with her, she is actually very rude and abrupt and probably not many people do "like" her, I tolerate her as part of my job description is "dealing with difficult people". She doesn't seem to have any friends or interests outside working in a very part time role.

Maybe you need to relax, find some hobbies/interests that you enjoy without being so keen for people to "like" you.

Our childhoods definitely shape our adult self. I know I only really started to make real friends when I started to like myself. I was always on the edge of friendship groups ect and I do believe that was down to child hood trauma which altered how I perceived other people. I thought I was being perfectly normal when in fact I was being a bit mean and made people not to want to get too close. This carried on to my late 20s where I did a lot of work on myself and trained in job I was really good at which gave me tonnes of self esteem and I was able to make organic good friendships.

Don’t focus on other people. Focus on making the best version of you that you’d be quite happy to say ‘this is me, take it or leave it’

I find that people often think I’m “too quiet” yet when I make an effort to be more friendly and chatty, say at work, it seems to scare people off!

So either way I’m seen as “weird” or whatever. Oh well! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would echo what @LizzieBlackwell said about liking yourself.

I too had childhood issues and bullying and this altered how I saw others and vice versa. I got better after I had kids in my mid 30's but I do think things changed again for the better when I accepted myself as i was and actively liked myself.

There's a big article on this in the September issue of psychologies.

Good luck on your journey. Xx

If your mother doesn't "love" you, it creates a wound. Its know as emotional neglect aka the mother wound and can result in a person closing themself off to protect themself and also to ensure self sufficiency - why rely on others when they cant be relied upon (is what the child learned).

This manifests in a similar way to Boarding School Syndrome and is effectively the trauma of the sense of rejection by family.

Google boarding school syndrome and emotional neglect and see if they resonate.

Tldr: You aren't unlikable, you're traumatised. 💐

This jumped out at me so strongly. I know people frown on online diagnosing each other but could you be autistic? Have a look at this test, how do you score? www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/autism-and-aspergers/adult-autism-test

I've had a lifetime of being bullied, people randomly disliking me or falling out with me for perceived infractions I had no intention of commiting, making assumptions about me.... got diagnosed at 42.

Oh, OP - you sound lovely and not at all unlikeable.

One of my oldest, and best, friends once said of me that 'Withasponge is quite nice once you get to know her'.

I have been described as aloof, cool, intimidating and having resting bitch face. I'm an introvert and socially awkward. I don't mean to be like this - but I suppose it's protective.

I have learnt over the years, that I can't control what other people think of me, and I found this liberating as I don't try to please them. Pleasing myself, as long as I'm not hurting or upsetting anyone, is the important thing.

maxnormal how did you get diagnosed? The NHS won't assess me.

op I find speaking to people difficult and I find retaining friends difficult. I am very anxious and quiet and have a feeling of not fitting in. It does make life difficult ☹️

@onionsforever I think I was really lucky with the area I was in at the time, plus a sympathetic gp who referred me. There is a neurobehavioural clinic there which is quite hot on adult diagnosis.
It should not be a postcode lottery though, that is so wrong.

Thanks MaxNormal

OP I am the same as you. No advice. I’ve given up now and happier on my own.

I've always felt like this to op I don't have any advice either but you are not alone

You are not alone OP. There is much loneliness and shyness about even if it is not autism based.

I can't say why you are not liked (or think that you are not) as you seem good 'friend material' to me.

Do you really like other people yourself or do you find yourself being quietly critical of those around you?
Being liked is attractive to most people.
They do say that being a friend is the first step to having one. (Wanting a friend isn't always an attractive quality in itself... so this is a bit of a 'catch 22'.)

If you do like others and they are not attracted to you - then perhaps it is a communication problem.

Can you show that you like them?

This is a much bigger deal than it sounds.

It might be worth working at it (whether or not you are autistic).
Learning the body-language and forms of words that suggest the warmth you feel is a good start.

(This sounds really artificial but it works. We are still quite animal and our reactions to others are often based on things we are not aware of. People are attracted to or repelled by pictures of the same person with very slight differences of pose/expression. )

I hope that you can find the support and help you need.

I don't have advice beyond what others have said, but just wanted to say that you sound really likeable, genuine, earnest, caring and funny too! I bet you are a really nice person. How awful for your mother to have told you that about your birth. And how terrible not to have got all those hugs and cuddles that you needed as a baby. I hope you manage to overcome all the huge disadvantages and trauma this has caused you, and find some answers and understanding and self acceptance. Don't give up.