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Original poster

How much would you charge for board

67 replies

Jebediah · 03/08/2020 20:24

Name changed for this; been here a long time, but this is quite outing and friends/family know my usual username..
Our house has a separate 'sort-of' flat; it's a lounge, bathroom, small bedroom and a kitchenette. Not its own front door, you to go through our house to get to it.

A retired relative has asked if they can live there. They have said that they would prefer not to have to cook for themselves but would join us for evening meal. They would do their own washing, cleaning etc.

I know we should ask for more than just the cost of food as there's actually shopping cooking storing food (and apparently he'd like to use his own wine glasses, so storing those as well, and whatever other kitchen stuff he decides he actually wants to keep).

We've an idea about how much rent we'd want to charge, and utilities, but if we were to go for this, I know there's more involved than just the cost of extra food. There's having to cook every evening, there's washing up, there's wear and tear on the washing machine and dryer, and quite possibly thing I haven't even thought of.

We were considering the possibility of ds living in that area when he's back from Uni (he's at GCSEs now).

I'm tempted to say no as we just haven't thought it through fully yet, but at the same time, we are desperate for money, and this would be very helpful.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 04/08/2020 10:17

Where do they live now?
Why do they want to move?
Their extended family friends visiting?
Plan for future care?
Meal planning?
Time scale of staying?
And alcohol issues?

treeeeemendous · 04/08/2020 10:18

I would want to discuss what they will do about cooking when you are out for the night or on holiday.

Who will clean the annexe.

If and when they need personal care do they have the money to self fund this.

Nosuchluck · 04/08/2020 10:36

I don't know it works with tax but I would charge at least £800 per month. The questions I'd be asking wouldn't be just food/board but things like doctors, prescriptions, can the person drive or get the bus to appointments or to visit friends? I see this as a slippery slope leading into eventually providing full time care. Would the relative be selling a property to move in with you?

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Original poster
Jebediah · 04/08/2020 11:48

Thank you everyone!

This relative is quite close blood-wise and we have almost grown up together but haven't seen much of each other during our adult lives, though contact has been regular - OK, regular but infrequent.

They are currently renting in London; we are rural far away.

I don't remember him as being, and nor have I experienced him, as being intrusive. ATM we cook every night anyway, so it wouldn't really be any skin off our nose to buy a bit extra and enlarge whatever we're doing anyway. BUT, I don't know whether that would feeling would last too long, and we may find that there are rubs between him and one or other of the children which could make things awkward.

Kitchenette fine for his own drinks and snacks, includes a small fridge, and I can tell him he'll have to equip it with, eg microwave or electric hob.

He's OK. I like him - or always have before, but yes lots of other stuff to think of.

Both children are currently expecting to at least occupy the 'flat' when home in Uni hols, and for high days and holidays. We're letting them fight it out between them Grin

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 04/08/2020 12:10

The thing that would worry me is that you don't know how long you're committing to doing this for.

It's highly unlikely that the relative will move out before they need full time care so you would most likely find yourself doing gradually more and more. You may want to relocate but feel like you can't.

The only person in the world I would do similar for is my DM. We spend tons of time together and I know her well enough to know what I'd be letting self in for. Even so it would be a huge commitment to be making and one I would expect to impact on my life for the foreseeable future.

MissSmiley · 04/08/2020 12:14

How old is your relative? Are they really looking for a carer?

billy1966 · 04/08/2020 12:18

OP,
People change.
The person you know as a child or teen could be vastly, vastly different as a mature adult.

I have a friend who lives very far away and whom I have know most of my life.

The last time she visited after having not seen each other in 7 years, but having been in very regular contact, had suddenly become very demanding.
Had her schudle and needs and needed them met.
This person was a very hard work guest and we thought her 10 day visit wouldn't end.
She had very specific eating preferences.
It was exhausting.

I wouldn't dream of committing to this.

Could you invite him for a visit to give yourself a taste of what a permanent visit might look like.

After any visitors I'm always thrilled to have my home back, no matter how lovely they are.

Also some men can have a preconceived idea of wimmins work!! Beware.

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/08/2020 12:41

@MissSmiley

How old is your relative? Are they really looking for a carer?
Yes. Wanting to move in to an annexe in someone else's home having already (unilaterally) decided that they won't be cooking for themselves, you'll be doing that for them... I wouldn't countenance it.
Redlocks28 · 04/08/2020 12:46

Your replies suggest that you don’t actually know them very well?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/08/2020 13:49

The more information you impart, the less feasible it sounds! As a PP said, you don’t really know him that well and he could be v. set in his ways. I’m guessing he’s currently in his 60’s or 70’s...I really think you’ll end up being his career and there’s no way you can just kick him out if your DC need the flat. Again, it would be fine if you don’t mind caring for him, but that doesn’t sound like part of the plan.

This makes me think about one of DH’s sisters who may want to move in with a sibling at some point. I like her, but I don’t know her that well...it could work, but I know who’d end up doing the caring if she’s incapacitated!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/08/2020 13:49

*carer, not career.

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/08/2020 13:51

This makes me think about one of DH’s sisters who may want to move in with a sibling at some point.
This genuinely baffles me. Why would any grown adult request such a thing of their siblings?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/08/2020 14:07

@Thisismytimetoshine. Believe me, I wonder as well. It hasn’t happened yet, but she demonstrates v. dependent behavior so it wouldn’t surprise me at all. She’d be much better living with her sister, though, they’re much closer than her and DH.
Some people never quite grow up, unfortunately.

Nosuchluck · 04/08/2020 14:29

OP how about inviting him for a week and see how it goes?

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/08/2020 14:41

@Nosuchluck

OP how about inviting him for a week and see how it goes?
I think the "erm, it hasn't really worked out so I'll have to say no" conversation would be far more excruciating than a blanket, "sorry, we have other plans for that space", personally.
Nosuchluck · 04/08/2020 14:49

Would you like to visit us for a week as a little holiday?

Nosuchluck · 04/08/2020 14:54

I think that would be less excruciating than asking him to leave in 6 months time when he has no where to go back to.

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/08/2020 14:57

Oh yes, definitely. But then I'd say no immediately, I wouldn't countenance it full stop 🤷🏻‍♀️

vintageyoda · 04/08/2020 14:59

I agree with the general consensus OP, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. If it was your mum or mother in law it might be different but anyone else is unlikely to be a success.
Is there some expectation here OP? Do you come from a culture where the wider family tend to club in together as a matter of course? It seems very unusual for someone of our fairly individualist, western culture to even ask such a thing. And as for expecting meals... that's just odd.

Nosuchluck · 04/08/2020 15:05

My friend had her DF move in 13 years ago, he pays her quite a lot a week, about 35% of what a care home costs but she really resents the situation.
How old is he and how old are you OP? You could end up in your late 60's caring for a relative who is 90 full time.
How would it work if you want to downsize?

Crankley · 04/08/2020 15:20

Impossible to say without knowing their age. I would be reluctant and be wondering if he can't even cook for himself, what else can't/won't he do.

It will only get worse as he ages. What if he becomes ill/has dementia? Will you be expected to be his carer? My family friend's husband had dementia, doubly incontinent, it took an age to find a home who would take him, by which time his wife, also elderly, was on her knees with exhaustion.

If he is of an age, maybe suggest he moves into an over 55 community?

Crankley · 04/08/2020 15:29

I meant to add - they may prefer not to cook (who does?) and it's a cheek to assume you will cook for him and I wonder what's next? Popping his washing in with yours? asking you to run round his rooms with the hoover since you're currently doing yours? It appears that you are at the top of a slippery slope.

MadeForThis · 04/08/2020 21:33

It's quite a big move from London to a rural location. Could his friends visit? What would he do with his time? Is he good at joining clubs or meeting people?

You could be the carer, maid and the companion.

MadeForThis · 04/08/2020 21:34

It's quite a big move from London to a rural location. Could his friends visit? What would he do with his time? Is he good at joining clubs or meeting people?

You could be the carer, maid and the companion.

CaffeineInfusion · 04/08/2020 21:51

Same front door means they are basically moving in with you.

Charging rent, means that you are being paid and expectations will be made.. They are paying you after all..

Joining you for dinner, does that mean staying with you all evening? How will that impact on your marriage?

Depends on who it is, and how much you want a grown adult to be dependent on you. Will you, being rural, be the taxi? New area, will you be the social life?

I wouldn't for anyone except my mum and dad, and I love them to bits. But even then, I'd put up a connecting internal door🤣