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Original poster

Should inhave a third child? Opinions?

29 replies

Mandy1985 · 02/08/2020 16:42

I have a 6 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. I am 35 years old so last chance to have a third to conplete my family. I have such a strong intense feeling of having a third. My bidys telling me im not done. Both me and partner want one but should we as.....

A) we live in a 3 bed, so whatever sex the third would be would share with one of our children, im not sure how they would feel about sharing after having own room and space is it cruel? Putting a newborn into either an 9 year old girl by the time or 7 year old boy when they dinally have there independance. There freinds wouldentwant to come over and stay with a baby in there room, how does everyone else manage or do they just simply have a 4 bed or a close age gap.

B) am i too old

C) i have proplapse as my last baby big at 10,3lb will it destroy my tiny body! Who knows?

D) were not rich, we would struggle with three, but i feel thats better than spoling the two i have. I would rather struggle and have love with the busy caotic household thats what i crave.

E) i feel i will spend rest of lif regreating it if i dont. You regreat the children you dont have but you will never regreat the children you have.

F) i feel wasted as ive been told im an incredible mum and have all the love to give and my two are so clever and kind and brilliant well behaved children.

G) my other two are so close will they resent another young baby after they have grown up together? My mum thinks they will but why?

H) as there so close we do grown up choldren things together, would they hate it if i go back to doing baby things, there would be a big age gap, it would then be hard to do things/activitys that suit all three.

Any help/advise as this is a big decision for us, as it dosent just affect me and partber it affects my children and there happiness comes first. Is there anything im not thinking about? Am i being selfish. I feel its my last oportunity with my age and my partner being 37. Its now or never.

OP posts:
LittlePearl · 02/08/2020 16:50

I was unsure about a third and then found myself unexpectedly pregnant.

I was ambivalent all the way through a difficult pregnancy but the moment DC3 arrived I was in love and have never looked back.

I'd say do it.

KittyKattyKate · 02/08/2020 16:53

No you shouldn’t have another. You have one of each, they are both healthy and you can’t afford another child.

The world is also overpopulated enough without you adding to it.

VinoOlive · 02/08/2020 16:54

I wouldn't but I have an only child by choice. For me I'd just enjoy the children you have without stretching yourself financially, plus I don't think putting a baby in with children that old is very fair.

I don't believe people can't regret children. What happens if they don't get on? The third child has such medical, learning or behavioural needs they directly impact your existing children and your relationship with them?

Interested in this thread?

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Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2020 16:54

Financially, you can't afford it. That's a NO to me. Think about the needs of your existing children. Don't you want them to have the best life possible? This has nothing to do with "spoiling" them.

TheBeesKnee · 02/08/2020 16:55

There's a dropping birth rate crisis, so go for it.

Mumdiva99 · 02/08/2020 16:57

Have 3. It's crazy, busy, expensive, noisy and wonderful.

(Seriously do consider needing a car big enough for 3 kids, holidays are way more expensive because all deals are for 2 +2.
The house will be fine. Put the 2 older kids in together until they don't want to be.)

Facade1983 · 02/08/2020 17:01

You might have twins - this happened to a friend of mine in your position. The children didn't all fit in her car, let alone the 3 bed house....

ItchyScratch · 02/08/2020 17:01

I think looking at your reasons there then definitely have a third.

I am the third child of 3 and I have 3 kids (no more)

There are the odd ‘down’ sides:

  • expense of paying for 3 kids especially as I find the older they get the more expensive they get
  • less attention for the other two kids
  • less chance for a social life or ‘me’ time

However. I do not regret having a third as she is the best and I wouldn’t be without her.
The plus points outweigh the bad points.

zafferana · 02/08/2020 17:02

If you already have a prolapse, I wouldn't. You'll be living with the consequences of making it worse for the rest of your life.

The fact that you can't really afford it either is another 'no' from me.

OliviaBenson · 02/08/2020 17:38

No, for environmental reasons- the world is overpopulated. Having a baby in the developed world is one of the worst things to do for the environment.

And it's not fair to expect your existing kids to share with a baby. How will it work when they are teens?

Dozer · 02/08/2020 17:42

Are you married? You say DP not DH. Wouldn’t have DC3 if not married as IMO it makes it v difficult to work full time, which is v important if you’re not married.

Otherwise it doesn’t sound like it’d be financially affordable.

eeyore228 · 02/08/2020 17:44

Personally I wouldn’t. You’ve already said you are stretched financially. This in itself is a warning bell. It’s not about ‘spoiling’ your other children, it’s about being able to manage uniforms, school trips, birthdays, Christmas and holidays without always scrimping and making do. If something big happens (e.g car breaks down) being able to deal with it without breaking down and putting more pressure on yourselves.

Bananabread8 · 02/08/2020 17:46

To what extent would you struggle OP? What would your kids have to give up extra school clubs? Family holidays?
The bedroom thing would be issue depending on the room sizes for me.

ivfdreaming · 02/08/2020 17:48

Difficult as I've always wanted 3 and had an awful time trying to get pregnant again after DD and now pregnant twins so completely my family in one go......

BUT

The biggest thing for me is the sleeping arrangements - it would ABSOLUTELY be unfair and selfish to impose a baby/toddler on a 9 and 7 year old.

The finances are also an issue - yes there is enough love to go around but love doesn't pay the bills

Didyousaynutella · 02/08/2020 18:07

I have boy girl boy and it’s tough. They are closesr in age than yours would be. The sleeping thing is a problem. Our youngest is currently with me but at some stage he will have to either go in with his sister who is more appropriate in terms of age or brother who is more appropriate in term of sex. Neither is ideal. You will find going out and doing stuff a lot harder. Meeting with friends with kids this week who want to take them for lunch but I no I won’t enjoy it trying to deal with all three eating out somewhere so I will have to go home once it gets to lunch time. There is a lot you miss out on especially the older kids. But obviously we love our little boy. But we knew we could afford it and we can afford to move as well if where we live because too much of a problem but it’s doesn’t sound like you have that option. If I had that much of a gap I would nt have tried for a third.

RandomTree · 02/08/2020 18:13

You're not too old, but A would be a serious issue for me if you have no plans to move. I don't think it's right to ask a 7yo or 9yo to share with a baby.

RandomMess · 02/08/2020 18:15

I wouldn't you have 2 healthy children, we don't know about potential long term consequences for babies when Mums catch Covid whilst pregnant at various stages etc.

They are so much more expensive as the get older Sad

It's your hormones!!!

There is no doubt you will love the baby and have few regrets but sometimes following your head is best... you may not feel "done" after 3... some women never feel "done".

Rebelwithallthecause · 02/08/2020 18:18

I have two, I’d love to have more but won’t because -

I can’t wait to get out of the baby stage / nappies and potty training for good

I never want to give up my smallish fun car for a large family car

Holidays are more difficult / expensive

I love my house which is not big enough for 3 and don’t want to be forced to move to fit another one in

I don’t want to put pressure on DH to work harder and spend less time with the children because we need more money

I don’t want to put pressure on myself to work harder and spend less time with the children

TooTrusting · 02/08/2020 18:20

@Facade1983

You might have twins - this happened to a friend of mine in your position. The children didn't all fit in her car, let alone the 3 bed house....
This happened to me. It's not what I would have planned. Already had 2. Got divorced when the DTs were 4 and the other 2 were 5 and 8. I earn well and have room for them but holidays are a nightmare and financially it's tough. And I won't lie, it's been hard, in spite of loving them all. Your likelihood of fraternal twins peaks at 37 i later read.
RandomMess · 02/08/2020 18:22

Some friends of ours had shock ID triplets for #3 😳

Ragwort · 02/08/2020 18:26

No, if you are not in a comfortable financial position now why risk further financial struggles? Your existing children will not thank you for it.

The job situation is shocking at the moment, thousands of people in previously secure roles are losing their jobs.

Plenty of people do regret having children, it is just not acceptable to admit to that.

Most valid reason - you already had a prolapse ... who know what gynaecological damage another pregnancy could cause, you may choose to ignore this comment but I have a friend in her 70s who has major health problems caused by her third pregnancy.... over 35 years of incontinence. Sad. Endless surgeries to try and correct it.

Walkerbean16 · 02/08/2020 18:27

I have four. I would say 2 is the best number of kids.

Mommabear20 · 02/08/2020 18:36

Would adoption be an option?
It would give you that craved for third DC without putting your body through another pregnancy and you wouldn't necessarily have to go for a baby, if was an older child you would still be able to do older children's things as a family and the resentment would be lowered. Friends would still be able to come round without the baby being in the way.

ivfdreaming · 02/08/2020 18:36

@RandomMess

Some friends of ours had shock ID triplets for #3 😳

I know someone this happened to too - albeit it was an IVF transfer - they had 2 children already age 4 and 2 and transferred their final single frozen embryo hoping to complete their family with a third child........they also had sex around the time of ovulation before transfer......and fell pregnant with triplets!!!!

GeorginaTheGiant · 02/08/2020 18:36

I wouldn’t in your situation. Your house isn’t appropriate, you can’t afford it (costs of three teens will be eye watering compared to two toddlers), physically it is extremely likely to leave you with a much worse situation....the list goes on.

You say DP not DH. Can I ask what your situation is work-wise? Having three children without being married is questionable if you’re a full time earner. If you’re a SAHM then it would be insanity.

I know this is blunt and I mean it kindly, but are you one of these mums who can’t cope when their kids hit school age because having small children is all they know and want another baby to enable you to keep life as it is? That may be way out of line and I apologise if so but it does seem to be the situation with a lot of women on here talking about a third. Look at your existing healthy, happy children. Can you honestly say that having another baby who will have to share their room and will leave the family scrimping financially, is a good decision for them? They exist. Potential future baby #3 doesn’t. IMO the best parents are able to put their own wishes second to what’s best for their children. I don’t honestly think that another baby would be in any way best for your family, sorry.

I think it’s sad that you say you’d be wasting yourself if you didn’t have another baby because you’re such a good mum. It’s great that your kids are healthy and happy but it isn’t a good idea to put too much of your own worth on being a good mum. I’m sure you have a lot of other skills too-are they being wasted if you stay at home making babies?

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