I hate him right now

[Iwishamillion]

Today my oh went out to the pub to meet friends to watch the football. I was going to a friends a few hours later to have a few drinks. My friend has been shielding so this was her first meet up.
I got home just before midnight to find OH having an argument with our ds 18 and dd 16.
It just seemed to be a ridiculous scene with oh acting very unreasonably and making an argument about nothing.
He was clearly pretty drunk and the kids were kind of bemused and also annoyed at his constant insistence they were being rude to him ( they weren’t)
They both went to sit in Ds’s room to get away from him and he barged in and started unplugging the PlayStation and grabbed my Ds’s phone. The whole time he was shouting about disrespect.
I stood in between him and the kids as there was no way he was getting near them. This made him furious and he started calling me a drunken slut, an embarrassment and an ugly cunt.
The whole time I was trying to calm him down and get him out the room. He lunged at my son so I grabbed his sleeve and tried to pull him away. This resulted in him turning and slapping me several times on the back of the head and arm.
I managed to push him out the room and got him into our bedroom. He continued to rant at me that I was the cause of this and I started it.
Just awful, after a good long while of insults I’ve convinced him to go to bed.
I’m now sitting downstairs weeping. My kids are ok, they came next gave me a hug and have gone to bed.
I’m now sitting contemplating what the hell I do next. I hate him and just tried to get him to calm down as I can’t drive due to having some wine at my friends.
All I want to do it get my children and leave. I feel like a shit mum as they shouldn’t have had to witness that, i just need to vent to anyone that’s still awake.
I’m hoping things will be less horrendous in the morning.

OP, you obviously need to take care of yourself, but think what example this situation will show your daughter. Imagine some bloke will do to her what your husband did to you yesterday. How would you want her to react? I bet you would insist she should go to police.

If it's really out of character and not an escalation of controlling behaviour, is there a possibility he could be experiencing a medical problem?

@Jihhery

If it's really out of character and not an escalation of controlling behaviour, is there a possibility he could be experiencing a medical problem?

Not her fucking problem.

He gets arrested, I'm pretty sure that his solicitor will help him to try and find any possible excuse for getting drink and hitting her in the head repeatedly whilst she was protecting her children from him.

You've got to report him to the police love. Zero tolerance.

mitz

Absolutely her problem if she wants it to be. Doesn't change anything about what she needs to do next but yes, it's relevant. I wouldn't at all think a solicitor could be relied upon to think of this. She's free to walk away either way but he may need to have tests done. if I was her, it would matter. Especially since there are children.

Wow you poor thing.

You were physically assaulted protecting your children and he also verbally abused you.

This morning he acts sheepish and goes off on a bike ride. No apology or anything? He obviously remembers what he did, otherwise why be sheepish?

You and your children deserve better than this no matter who earns the most etc.

No one can tell you what to do but the advise would generally not to put up with a partner like this and separate.

Very glad you got out, I am in awe of you being able to do that. Entirely the right thing, and I hope you decide to call it a day after that display. But as you say 24 years, it seems odd he should suddenly lose the plot like that. I thought you were going to say he was their step dad and you'd only been together a few years or something.

So you had no inkling beforehand?

Anyway, well done again. Stay strong and stay away from him. Do you work? Is the house in joint names?

Call the police, report a physical assault in front of children. Then he can leave the house not you and the children.

I will report him just not today, I don’t feel like I’m even awake at the moment. Everything feels very surreal. Yes we both work full time, the mortgage is in his name but the deeds are in both, not sure if that helps me or not. Absolutely no inkling of behaviour like this ever before. I don’t feel strong at all, all I know is I never ever want to feel fear like that again. My son is upset I got in between as he says he’d have preferred it if it had been him, he’s 6’2 and I’m 5’5 so he keeps telling me I shouldn’t have put myself in the way. I would do the same thing again and again.
I might just step away from this thread for a bit if you don’t mind, I really appreciate all the lovely support. I think we’re going to go and climb a hill, sounds very random but we need to get out and do something normal to distract us.

@Iwishamillion I’m sorry you’re going through this. When I’m overwhelmed, starting with rote mechanical tasks helps me until my brain can switch over to more expansive and critical thinking based tasks. In this case, while you’re trying to get a mental grip about calling the police I would screen shot your conversation with him and email those pictures to yourself as well as to your kids and brother for safe keeping. He admitted his assault there. Protect the evidence.

After that, I’d set about changing your passwords to all of your important accounts. There’s a likelihood that because you’ve been together for 24 years he could probably figure out your passwords and PIN codes. Start with usual accounts like your email address(es) then move onto financial accounts. And then any online storage accounts like Dropbox, iCloud, Box, etc.

I would also ask your children to do the same for their accounts and devices. The last thing you want is him having access to your data and possibly messing with your information or deleting things.

Good luck and keep coming back here for support. You may also want to have this thread moved to the Relationships board if you prefer. You can do that by flagging your own post then in the details box, ask MN to move it to the board for you.

Remember: stay angry and indignant. It will help you see through his bullshit and gaslighting.

I’m sick of reading on here that someone’s partner has been abusive especially towards or in front of kids and end up making excuses and staying with them. Many people including myself were the kids whose parents were in a DV relationship and it is never a good situation to be in (even when things are good you are walking on egg shells in case anything happens again).

I’m so proud of you OP for being so strong and putting you and your DCs needs first. You are an inspiration to people on here who may be going through a similar thing.

Well done for taking swift action, another one in awe of you and I also agree with others follow this up by logging it with the police, he assaulted you for protecting your children then blamed you.

You must feel very shocked and saddened, do not allow him to deflect blame, your children know you are awesome 💐

so sorry this has happened to you, OP

I'm so sorry, OP. What a terrible shock, but you are doing the right thing.

Call the police today and let them guide you. Please don't leave it. Your husband is a dick and without the paper trail you're going to close down your options.

It's ok about the house btw. After a long marriage you'll share marital assets; however you'll be able to live in the house with the DC for a while as the younger is 16 (and he assaulted you) before you finalise things.

How are you doing @Iwishamillion? Are you feeling any better or less foggy headed?

I just wanted to say I think you are a brilliant mum, you stepped in and protected your children and then got them away at the earliest opportunity. All you can do now is show them the strength and resilience it takes to rebuild without that abusive arsehole!