Is it normal to hate people?

[octupuskittens]

I'm a 28 year old female, I'm a single mum to a 6 year old girl. I'm not sure if that is relevant.

So I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I struggled with depression and anxiety after my daughter was born, I'd say within the past two years I have really recovered and although I still suffer from anxiety it is controlled and managed and depression is non existent thankfully.

I have always been awful maintaining romantic relationships but have always prided myself on my strong friendships that I have had for 10 years plus. I consider myself a very laid back person although I have a hot temper when pushed to the limit, once again, not sure this is relevant.

Basically my question is, the past year or so, even though I have been feeling amazing mentally, I really do not enjoy people. It's not just a case of I can't be bothered with certain people, I can't be bothered with anyone after a certain amount of time.

I am fine for an hour or two, anymore than that and I feel agitated, tired and really irritable. This is effecting my friendships as I feel that although I'm still making time for them, I'm making excuses to leave after a certain time. I'm also not talking about nights out in the pub, even if a friend comes over for a coffee after an hour I am screaming in my head for them to leave.

After they leave I really need just quiet time, silence. I find myself making excuses if they ask to see me more than once a week, if I have plans with them I worry as soon as it's planned about how long I'll have to spend with them.

I'm beginning to think I don't enjoy my friends company a bit but that's not it because 2 years ago I could have spent all day with them and still not been fed up.

I have had a lot of self growth within the past year especially and I know I have changed as a person, I love my friends, they are amazing and I am blessed to have them but quite frankly spending time with them seems like a chore.

The only exception to this is my mum and my daughter, that is it, I could spend endless amounts of time with them and not feel exhausted.

In recent years I have also noticed that I find it very uncomfortable making eye contact with certain people and making small talk, unsure of the relevance.

I'm sorry, this was meant to be short.

This is exactly how I feel. Hell is other people.

I can empathise with some of what you have written, and gently suggest that your anxiety and depression may not be as under control as you feel?

I completely understand! I like the idea of being with friends but actually doing it for too long and I’m ready to go home! I don’t even go out much so should love it, but I don’t.

I feel like I’ve grown past them (I know how rude this sounds) and that I don’t actually need them in my life. (I do sometimes think this is something I would regret when I’m older though and my children have grown up: to have no friends)

I like the idea of friends rather than the reality.

I have a couple of close friends who I don’t see often but I love dearly and when we do get together the hours fly by.

Other ‘best’ friends I’ve had have turned out to be not so good news in the past, so I’m a bit wary now.

I prefer weak bonds. The woman in the grocers, the window cleaner, that couple that used to have the shop next door. You pass the time, you ask after their health, you smile and move on, feeling buoyed.

That’ll do me.

I like the idea of friends rather than the reality.

I'm kind of like this

I have a few friends, I spend a few hours in their company, we have a coffee and a catch up, and that does me just fine for several weeks.

I think part of the problem is I don't really do small talk or chat about nonsense for the sake of it. I don't mind meeting up if we haven't seen each other in a while, or if it's to do something like go to the cinema or, I don't know, meeting up for an actual purpose. I can't do the whole coffee and chat thing on the daily, because there's nothing new to say.

I just don't find myself in the same head-space as a lot of people. There are a few special people I enjoy time with but a lot of people irritate or bore me. I wish I didn't feel that way. I also genuinely enjoy my own company. Just being able to concentrate without distractions on the things I want to do. So people in small doses suits me fine. I very much feel similar to you LunaNorth in a lot of ways.

I feel the same too a lot of the time. I don't think it's necessarily a case that you hate other people, if might be that you just prefer your own company.

I really value alone time and sometimes get really irritable and anxious to leave when I've had enough of a situation.

Not sure if it's relevant, but I too had difficulties with mental health a few years ago. Things were worse then. I'm much better now and no longer medicated but I make sure I have plenty of time to do things for me: days alone, time to enjoy my own interests, setting boundaries when I do make plans so I can leave when I'm ready etc. I have a great social life but I just recognise my limits e.g. will go to a friends for dinner/drinks but will never take them up on the offer to stay over.

It’s the way other people interact that bothers me.

If I think of some of my friends:

Julie who talks about herself and her daughter all the time.

Louise who does the same but in a really loud, monotonous voice.

Jan who interrupts every conversation by changing the subject.

Nicola who already knows everything, so no point taking to her.

Gaynor the teacher who monopolises conversation and is very boring

I like Rachel, but she never gets a word in due to Gaynor.

Helen who went through a bad divorce and has been prickly and hard work since.

Sarah who’s very left wing and won’t allow you an alternative opinion.

Yvonne who was widowed 3 years ago and now thinks nobody ever has a problem or a sadness because nothing can be as bad as hers.

I could go on and on!

People don’t seem with the effort.

You're an introvert. Lots of us are. Social situations drain you and you need time to recharge afterwards. It doesn't sound like you have always been that way but a lot of people do become more introverted as they get older.

I'm also introverted and find I'm ok with close family as well, but maybe that's because I can be myself when I'm with them and don't feel like I have to 'entertain' them.

I usually try to meet friends somewhere neutral as I find it hard to tell them to leave my home when my head is screaming at me that I've had enough. I usually have a get out clause - I need to be home for a parcel delivery/call the bank/drop something over to MIL etc so I can escape easily. 2 hours is probably my max 'chat' time.

Lockdown has been wonderful for me but I've met up with a few people now and have to surprised by how nice it was to see them after dreading it for days .

I am mentally resiliant and healthy but blimey I get annoyed by people. I am Heavily introverted and need lots of space. I'm rubbish at maintaining friendships. I find it a lot of effort. Now in my 40s I've started to appreciate that this is who I am. I have friends that are long standing but none are my best friends.

I can be sociable and people think I am friendly and kind, and I am, but I dont feel like I need anyone else.

CountessFrog I'm hearing you there!
Most people don't know how to listen. They've either never developed the skill or they just can't be arsed. The only person I ever knew who could really listen was my DM who sadly died a few years ago. I try to be like her, really listen, and when I ask how someone is, I listen to their reply. But i find no one really listens to me so I have dropped friends and just don't see anyone except DH and DS. My family are estranged and DF very difficult since mum died. So I hear you OP, I find it very depressing but I really don't like people generally!

This is me ! I can handle chatting to friends on social media apps etc but meeting up with them in real life makes me grumpy and I can’t wait to be home . It’s weird with lockdown easing and people hinting at meeting up and I just keep finding excuses not to .

Very true Boosey. I can’t be bothered being a listening ear any more.

I am similar, definitely an introvert. It could also be that different people have different standards or personalities.

I particularly hate people for leaving litter around, even if I haven't actually seen anyone doing it. Just seeing litter scattered gives me general rage at people.

Yep. Another introvert here. I honestly generally prefer books to people. But I do like being surrounded by people, say in a cafe, who I don’t know and don’t have to interact with. I can just relax and absorb the atmosphere.

@Geraniumblue.. so do I prefer books! And I like sitting in a cafe (pre covid!) on my own absorbing the atmosphere. Introverts are my people

You’re just an introvert like a lot of us. I’m ok for about an hour and a half, I’m engaged, make conversation, laugh etc but then after 1.5 hours it’s like a switch clicks and I disengage. I’m not rude or impolite but I start to struggle to really listen to conversations. I have to concentrate really hard to stay in the moment which is tiring.

We all have our limits, the good thing is you’re aware of yours.

I'm fairly similar. I have a good group of friends but I'm very happy seeing them once a month at the most. I also am not one for small talk (it gets on my nerves to be honest) and I get tired of people after a while. I've been on holiday several times with friends and after a day or so need a break! I just like silence and other people talk way too much

I like the idea of friends rather than the reality

Exactly this!
I feel I spend my life trying to think up excuses not to see people or reasons so I can leave early if I do. I’m definitely an introvert. I see the public all day in work and it’s exhausting having to talk with them all.

You sound exactly like me OP. I was diagnosed with ASD in my late 20s.

Sorry posted too soon! You could just be an introvert ofc, but it might be worth googling the signs of autistic spectrum disorders in females to see if it rings a bell. Particularly the eye contact and difficulty making small talk rang a bell for me.

I love you

Other people are hard work, but some are less hard than others. I have friends I can spend a reasonable amount of time with and for the most part enjoy it, but Im always so happy to be on my own again.

I feel I could have wrote your post.

For me, I can give time, energy, a listening ear, sympathy, empathy, book recommendations to other people. But no one ever seems to particularly interested in knowing me properly. It’s always surface job/work/hobby stuff. I’d like to discuss deeper things. But no one else does. So I just carry on reading!