Anyone else radically rethinking their DCs' activities?

[drspouse]

Now that everything has been closed for ages I'm wondering what is worth reconsidering for the DCs!
DS was doing swimming (but he has SEN and gets anxious and moving to a different day sent him into a spiral of refusal), Cubs (which is the same day as the old swimming group sadly and which was going well, and in theory dancing (but again he was really anxious and kept refusing).
DD was doing ballet (but has refused to do any on Zoom) and girls' football (she has done a tiny bit with DH in the back garden).

DS has dyspraxia and he really needs something to improve his coordination but he's SO anxious around new activities. He's been doing Zoom street dance but the club is 100s of miles away and he's been dancing so the instructor can sometimes see one arm!
He would also be really good at piano (or it would be good for him, one of them!) and a language we learn together if only he'd allow himself to be instructed.
DD is due to start Beavers at least but that's on ballet night so that might die a death. She like DS likes dancing but I don't think ballet is her thing.
Just wondering if everyone is really eager to get back into a routine or if this whole disruption to routine has made you rethink?

We have also had a bad experience with a few clubs for DS (excluded from a few and in one case they moved the time and location and didn't tell us, they told us it was folding!). So I'm very wary especially as we live in a small town.

The only real change is that we are likely to request DD2 move to Cubs from Beavers in September. She will be 7.5 (the minimum under age flex) but I'm a Cub leader and DH a Scout leader so Scouting takes up 3 evenings at the moment.
Other than that they only had swimming (both lessons at the same time) and ski lessons every couple of weeks.

I'm not sure we can realistically go more than about half an hour, which doesn't quite get us to the next big (but not very big) town. We're coastal which annoyingly means half the directions we could go in are sea...

@lakesidesummer we have considered 1:1 lessons, it's annoying though as the timings are usually more awkward and he did fine in his previous group lesson till he had to switch days, same (great) teacher.

My son does quite a bit, piano, Cubs, swimming, cricket and extra maths lessons (those he has been doing on Zoom). He hadn't really missed them a lot but I think he will when he's out and about again. Or something different maybe.

One of mine does martial arts and the teacher is amazing with kids with issues like this - it's a good mix of focus, and concentration, plus physical kicking and punching stuff to burn off energy! I'd recommend you have a look at martial arts classes, perhaps? So much is down to the teachers, so that's what you need to suss out.

My two do 5 activities (6 sessions) between them. I don’t think we will get rid of any just yet but certainly won’t be joining any more!

So much is down to the teachers, so that's what you need to suss out.
Even some of the ones with a good reputation don't work for him. And some won't let him come when we tell them about his difficulties.
I'm afraid we don't want to do martial arts as we don't need any more ways to fight with his sister.
And the other issues are things like, you have to sign up well in advance for a whole term and then he goes twice and won't take part.
Or it's very friendly but not at all as described (e.g. a dance class that says they learn routines and have boys that go and actually they all pretend to be trees and one boy sometimes goes).
Or they say he can come on his own, or he MUST come on his own, but then they can't/won't cope with him on his own.
Or he goes and is settling in and the teacher says he can't come any more "because of the other parents".
I mean, I could tell the teachers he's appallingly behaved and is likely to not listen, run around and tip the bin on the floor when he can't cope, but that's not really going to get them to let him come, now is it?
Sorry for the rant! We are happy to go somewhere he enjoys and takes part, and somewhere that doesn't see running around or hiding under the table as "bad" is a bonus but he's not your quiet little sit in the corner SEN child he's an in your face, running around, refuser.

(Sorry, as you were)

I'm afraid we don't want to do martial arts as we don't need any more ways to fight with his sister.

Ah - my point was that the whole point of a good martial arts teacher is to harness those impulses and teach impulse control, discipline, focus and appropriate behaviour. So contrary to what you might assume, it’s actually one of the environments where ADHD/SEN is better understood. Depends on your instructor but the ethos is very much you come to it for the fighting - that’s the attraction to small boys, hence plenty of them in class - and you develop into a disciplined pacifist with skills only used to spar appropriately. Don’t dismiss it out of hand, that’s all.

he's not your quiet little sit in the corner SEN child he's an in your face, running around, refuser.

You’ll get a greater level of tolerance for disruptive behaviour than in a dance class, I would be willing to bet. Martial arts is also one class we’ve been in where parents are encouraged to stay during class (dance is definitely parents stay away!) COVID procedures will make life different though. Different instructors and schools are different, of course, but generally speaking I think a lot of martial arts instructors come to it with an understanding of differences/difficulties.

Karate is the only club I've found with a dedicated SEN group. My DS wouldn't technically qualify because he's not SEN enough but at least the club is open to the idea of teaching kids with ADHD. DS has absolutely no interest though.

I'm afraid we don't want to do martial arts as we don't need any more ways to fight with his sister.
There are a couple of things that stand out with this. First of all, get your daughter (I presume younger?) enrolled on a course so she can stand a chance at defending herself. And does she have a space in the house DS isn't allowed? I had to make the rule that DS isn't allowed in DD's room without her express permission and as soon as he starts being rough with her/her toys or she asks him to leave, he has to go. No discussion. They usually play in DS's room.
Secondly, it's far easier to install a no doing x rule if they have a chance to do x somewhere. DS would often lash out at DD, all of us when he got home from school. We got him a punch bag and started the rule that the only thing in the house he was allowed to hit was the punch bag. Heavy sanctions for anything else. It might be unorthodox, but it worked.
Thirdly, the club near us do parent/child sessions once a month. It might be worth looking around.

It doesn't sound like clubs are the right thing for your DS.
I don't think it's fair for someone in charge of a group & who is trying to run a business to have to deal with the behaviour you describe. How are they supposed to teach the other children if he's chasing about?
It needs to be something he's interested in. I would have thought something like martial arts or rugby would be your best bet. Something active. Or take him on long walks.
He might not actually enjoy the pressure of having to go hence the messing about when he's there.

I can 100% guarantee that he would detest rugby! Outdoors, cold, and involving balls. And still a club.
He might like martial arts but there's no way he would keep his moves to himself however many times he was told they are only for club. DH and I disagree that children "need" an outlet where they can practice aggression safely and even if I was convinced, I wouldn't persuade DH.

Thing is, my DS has a right to do activities that suit him. He loved one of his dance classes but couldn't stop himself running around. He wasn't hurting anyone. Just running around. But other parents always take priority over him.

Hi OP, how are you doing? I remember you from early parenting days when we were in similar situations (name changes aplenty since then).

Any chance your LA can point towards more tolerant groups? Or we had a good recommendation for a swimming group from an OT we used, not sure if it's worth you asking any physical therapists you respect?

In terms of what we're doing, we've continued with Brownies over zoom (variable results in terms of engaging, but we've stuck with the structure anyway). Exercise has ended up being Pokemon walks, and the surprise hit was a cheap exercise bike sometimes with an episode of operation ouch in the tablet in front of it.

Having real thoughts about what to do re September, as DD is vulnerable and it's probably not a good idea to have her mix with other groups indoors at least. So on the hunt for outdoor activities - and warm clothing! Is there anything like "woodcraft folk" where you are? Outdoorsy and with a rep for tolerance, as far as I know...

We have used outschool website a fair bit for finding interesting online activities - the ones that have been hits here have been Pokemon virtual escape room, a science one about farts , and one about the Dogman cartoon book.

I'm also looking for a good online piano option for a total beginner - let me know if you find one!

We find Cubs is consistently OK and I'm a bit wary of our local Woodcraft folk as there are quite a few anti-vaxx that I know of in that group. Also I'm not convinced they know that much about safe outdoor skills while the Cub leaders do!
I don't think sustained attention to an online course is really possible though he is doing OK with his Zoom street dance. Sounds like your DD is doing OK with that kind of thing. DS does love Dog Man though.

they can practice aggression safely
I really, really don't think that that is an accurate description of martial arts.

Re the punch bag; I personally preferred to teach my son he had to keep some control, even when he was angry/frustrated/overwhelmed because I did not want DD to continue to be his punch bag.

As he is only 8 I would stick with cubs which will be a good non competitive environment to build self-esteem. Then I would schedule regular activities with you/his other parent if applicable or any other family members with time. Kids with these difficulties flourish with eg leisure swimming every week with mum (you can have the odd individual lessons). Hikes, bikes or Mountain biking trails with dad. Building a model in the garage. Whatever you can offer and enjoy yourself. And the zooms for building on movement skills. Really attend to what he enjoys. As pp said, coping with several hour a week activities subject to change and lots of people is anxiety driving for some nt kids. Who often need to decompress by running up and down the stairs at home, as you said. And he might be more likely to want to do three hours at a time or nothing. I think you are really right to reconsider - look at it from the pov of him, what relaxes him, then put skill building secondary to that.

Without wanting to sound too poor-me, if things happen with a parent it is almost always me. DH has quite poor health (it's up and down but at the moment it's down) and though we will go for hikes as a family, nobody is ever keen if it's not bright and sunny (hello, we live in the North of England), I'm the outdoorsy one. Left to DH we'd all stay in all day every day! And I just frankly don't have the energy to be full on entertaining the DCs all weekend/after school. If I research a club and settle DS in, DH will take him. I know that sounds pathetic but DH does just tend to go along with what I suggest.

We are definitely carrying on with Cubs, quite looking forward to that. There has been a piano teacher recommended for SEN, but we know it's worth gradually adding anything in.
We decided last night we'll wait to see what we are offered for swimming as we missed a few sessions and if he does just a few rather than being forced to sign up for a whole term we'll have more of an idea.

OP, your son has similar needs to mine. You need to look further ahead and do you research (especially seek parent recommendations).We've come across many many tutors, around our community anyway, that could not teach DS. DS attends a swimming school 40 minutes away, but it's the BEST.

If your worried about dyspraxia, get him assessed by a physiotherapist and you can do a home programme. What about youth Gym? Bike riding is also good for coordination

I haven't got young children anymore but when mine were about the age of yours in retrospect i crammed to many activities in.
After a couple of years I realised we were all exhausted for what?
It was me trying to give them as many experiences as possible and to try and make them the best version of themselves.
Seriously, what it meant was lots of running round, rushed tea times, kids moaning they didnt want to do things, me stressed out and it cost a bloody fortune.
In the end I prioritised.
I wanted them to swim to a certain standard. Once they did that they could carry on or stop. They stopped.
They chose to carry on with Cubs and went all the way to Explorers and volunteered for a while.
They found their own way with what they wanted. One got into BMXing and had a great crowd if mates and the other loved doing up old cars.
Once we stopped cramming everything in due to FOMO life became easier.

@buildingbridge He definitely has dyspraxia - it's been diagnosed. We are waiting for physio input but I'm pretty sure they are going to say "do dancing/sport/swimming" which is all very well if you can actually get him to DO that.

@notacooldad oh I totally agree, it's just what is best to prioritise and not waste years trying a week of this, paying for a term, and getting thrown out after 3 weeks or having him refuse after two.

My anxious, creative, uncordinated ADHD boy hated swimming and beavers /cubs. Didnt stick at an instrument.
He did riding lessons for four years though and they did him a lot of good strength and coordination wise. It didnt survive the dreaded high school gender policing though and he stopped at 13. We are going trekking next week though!
Two of mine have had a lot of fun playing Warhammer over the years, painting figures improved fine motor control and DS2 (autism) really improved his reading by studying rule books. They also built a social life round it, this was a real game changer for DS2 in particular.
My other ADHDer only really liked rugby and swimming but it doesn't sound like your boy would like those.

drspouse sorry if I said this before, but are there certain times of the week that work best? For DD there is simply no point in a Thurs or Fri pm club as she is exhausted then. Saturday ams are touch and go, Sunday ams are better.

I’d also suggest having a look for more niche clubs like parkour, circus skills, skateboarding, climbing, trampolining, horse riding. All physical but not competitive or team based or involving balls! (I was a ball sport hater but think I would have loved these). Of course this may mean further to travel, I don’t know if that is possible for you.

I know you say he needs something but why not just stop everything for a bit longer and see what organically evolves rather than you trying to fit him into an activity. Would that work?

Maybe a compressed swimming lessons in holidays? Some kids progressed a lot that way.
I do completely get about the clubs and them not being welcome. Though i also see other parents frustration if they are paying and another kid is distracting and doesnt seem to want to be there.
I also fimd dd is unpredictable so we went to a rollerskating party and she wouldnt even really try.
It's a pity there arent more sen friendly clubs but may be costs and likelihood of them dropping out.
Dd got about 4w of brownies before covid so that was quite sad.
She just needs such strong handling that most clubs arent capable of.
My friend's kid seemed to like an art club (school thought he had asd).
I would look at it as though - am i doing this club because i think dc is the next Olympian? Is my kid average sport ability? Do they enjoy sport. Or is it for exercise?
Dd has done rugby and tennis at school so not expensive nor serious.
Rugby= However she wasnt enjoying particularly or good at it, she was distracting others crawling about and playing with her water bottle. So obviously she didnt carry on. (Unfortunately there wasnt enough interest and the club ended but would hate thst to be related to dc messing about but dont think it was as just think football is more popular.
Tennis coach never said anything really but she was apparently collecting stones.
Cookery because she wants to eat it is mostly ok.
We once went to a climbing part, mainly boys and in the intro the boys were all messing about but dd was fine. When they went in dd wasnt taking the other person's weight or whatever. It is in a PDA way as soon as the expectations of the person in charge are there she doesnt like it.

@minipie have never thought of that. Cubs is late and we have problems getting him to sleep after but Beavers was on a Thursday and seemed fine, but it was fairly low intensity with a great leader. Will have to observe that!
And yy to non ball sports.

@Keepdistance oh yes, that all sounds familiar.