15 yo ads holds us to ransom

[WashedUpDriedOut]

So after lockdown and now the summer holidays, I'm keen to get the dcs out and about as safely as possible.

We're not in the UK.

Ds1 doesn't want to do anything. Not swimming. Not tree adventures. No walking. No meals out. Nothing.

I persuade him to do stuff because I'm aware and worried about how much time ds1 spends alone in his room. It's just not healthy.

Anyway, so if things aren't exactly as he wants them e.g. the right breakfast food isn't available, he simply says he's not coming.

He is very slow at getting ready, making us late for whatever activity I've arranged. When I ask him to hurry up, he doesn't so I get stressed and snappy. Then he says he's not coming. And he doesn't come not matter what I say.

All his friends are on holiday - they all seem to go away for weeks on end.

I'm starting to think he's not actually a nice person.

I try and get them all out of the house, fun stuff, varied stuff and he just metaphorically sticks two fingers up at me all the time.

Should I just leave him to it and let him rot in his bedroom all summer and stop trying?

Turn off the WiFi when we are out?

Cancel his 'phone?

He doesn't want to come out and do anything. Is that normal?

It’s quite normal for 15, but I’d not let him treat me or anyone like crap

A bit of respect, but also, I leave my 15yr old to it a lot.

Personally I never confiscate phones/WiFi etc but I do expect him to do some cleaning/walking the dog/sort his own dinner

Also make it clear he can always bring friends over

don't get yourself stressed OP.. cancel the phone.... turn off the wi-fi... don't rant.. this gives him the upper hand... let him make his own breakfast and no more pandering to his moods ... good luck OP .. its a very difficult situ 🌺

My ds is 12 and doesn't want to do anything either. I can sometimes get him out for a walk but if he's stressing me out then I leave him at home which is what he wants anyway. I refuse to get stressed over it anymore. He's always been like this, even when little and I had arranged all kinds of after school activities like swimming, ball games etc.. He didn't want to go to any of it. I'm always seeing other kids his age out and about on bikes but he doesn't even want a bike!!! He's outgrown his bike and I was going to get him a new one but he really didn't want it

Stepping away from the battle of wills it’s become, how do you think he’s feeling?

15 year olds don’t really want to hang out with their parents generally. It’s not a fight I’d have to be honest.

Is there something else going on? I mean there’s a 99% chance that it’s just hormones, but at that age I hated family days our because I was starting to realise just how different I looked from the rest of my family and thought that everyone was staring at me. My parents probably thought I hated them!

He sounds like he could be depressed? I know teens can be a bit like this, but not wanting to do anything at all and spending all his time alone in his room seems a bit extreme.

So he doesn't want to come?

But yet you feel forcing him and making everyone else as miserable as he is is the solution?

That sounds harsh but it's how it is even if that's not how you intend it to be.

Tell him you are doing X at Y time and he's welcome.

Tell him WiFi will be switched off in house between the hours of x and y.

Tell all kids phones won't be used by family between the hours of x and y.

Don't make it a big deal. Just a casual that's what's a happening. Let him decide for himself.

It's amazing how teens decide to comply when no one seems to care if they do

I don't mind him not wanting to be with us.

What I do mind is him not doing anything else other than gaming.

Because his friends are all away right now, I want him to be with someone. Anyone!

And I think he is feeling low.

When he has come out with us, he seems fine. Jolly even.

Then retreats into his surly state at home.

OP with all due respect, what's the harm in him playing games all day? He will soon grow up and have to work or study a d not have the luxury to do sweet fuck all. Give him some leeway and remember we are not enjoying the same things in life. I used to watch TV all day at that age, as I couldn't afford games and I am glad i was given that space to zone out and be by myself. I wasn't big on doing things or being with others. He sounds similar. Just make sure he knows to clean up after himself and do some chores.

Chores - now that's another battle.

My 15 year old is very similar in that he doesn’t want to leave his room or the house. Most of the time I let him get on with it, I get they just want to chill out and speak to friends online, game etc... but he also knows that when I say ‘come on we are all going out’ I mean it and he is expected to be ready at the time I tell him we are leaving. He generally doesn’t cause issues with this other than grunting to show his dissatisfaction, as he knows the internet will go off if he does. As with food, he helps himself. If I cook a main meal during the day I’ll make it for him too and if he doesn’t eat it, it re appears for his next meal. If I don’t cook during the day he helps himself to sandwiches/ soup / makes tuna pasta etc and snacks on fruit, yoghurt, crisps and chocolate. If we don’t have it in the house he cant have it, if he’d like it he can pop it on the shopping list for the following week. I think I’m pretty laid back (not that the teenager would agree) as I remember not wanting to join in with family things and also feeling really angry that I was expected to hoover downstairs and eat with my family. Those feelings were very real 🤣

Not being interested in family days out is one thing, but spoiling them is not on. (Are his friends away for weeks at a time or are they avoiding spending time with him because of his behaviour/he’s avoiding them because of depression or another reason?)

Listen to him and give him space, but once you’ve set a boundary stick to it. Remove WiFi/phone if he is not treating the rest of the family fairly.

I do cook an evening meal every day that we sit and eat as a family

I’ve 4 dc ,3 are now adults.
They get to about 12 and the novelty wears of for spending time with parents
All ours got to 15 and didn’t want to go on holiday with us any more .
It’s all normal
My eldest is 22 and we have just had a holiday together,we are together a lot ..so it does pass ,by about age 20 mine were happy to spend time together again

Yes it's normal. I did nothing with my parents at 15.

Say night before we have this planned, are ayou goint to come along.. If they say yes, you say when you expect them to be ready by. If they say no or on you say fine but what will you do instead and if your home can you prepare tea, clean your room or similar.

i used to be embarrassed being out with my mum in tow at 13, so there was no way it was happening at 15 ! she left me to it and i preferred that.

Because his friends are all away right now, I want him to be with someone. Anyone!

If he is gaming all day, he probably IS with someone - the people he is online gaming with.

I'd leave it - tell him the night before " we're doing xyz tomorrow, leaving at 9 o'clock." If he comes, fine, if he doesn't, that's fine too.

Should I just leave him to it and let him rot in his bedroom all summer and stop trying

Yes.

He doesn't want to come out and do anything. Is that normal?

YES!

OP do you not remember being a teenager? Parents are lame embarrassing fools who know NOTHING about ANYTHING. Most teenagers would rather people think they are orphans than be seen with their parents in public. Don't take it personally.

June2007 I do tell him every day until we leave.

He won't do chores.

I'd clamp down on the chores stuff personally and not worry about the rest. If you are paying for a phone I'd make this contingent on him doing chores - which are clearly written out so there's no lack of clarity around expectation. For days out, arrange something he'd really like then tell him what time you're leaving and ask him to be at the door at that time if he wants to come. Then leave him alone if he's not there. Don't make it a battle. And if you are worried about his mood, maybe thinking of seeing the GP? Or is there support available through the school.

I agree about the chores.

He earns use of the wifi (easy to change the password, google it) and his phone paid for with chores. He doesnt do them? Phone is taken until they are done/wifi turned off.

Definitely clamp down on the chores. Why should he not do anything around the family home. My children are expected to tidy up after themselves daily, keep their bedrooms clean and reasonably tidy and they also have to do a specific job daily like empty the dishwasher, put the Hoover round or pop a wash on. If they want lifts to see friends or money to go out to the cinema etc... then they are expected to do extra things like mow the lawn, wash the car or clean the bathroom. I’ve got all boys and they are lazy but They know if they don’t help out they don’t get the extras in this life and if they didn’t do a daily job then they’d most definitely not have their phone contracts. Maybe just have a chat to him and compromise on some rules.