15 yo ads holds us to ransom

[WashedUpDriedOut]

So after lockdown and now the summer holidays, I'm keen to get the dcs out and about as safely as possible.

We're not in the UK.

Ds1 doesn't want to do anything. Not swimming. Not tree adventures. No walking. No meals out. Nothing.

I persuade him to do stuff because I'm aware and worried about how much time ds1 spends alone in his room. It's just not healthy.

Anyway, so if things aren't exactly as he wants them e.g. the right breakfast food isn't available, he simply says he's not coming.

He is very slow at getting ready, making us late for whatever activity I've arranged. When I ask him to hurry up, he doesn't so I get stressed and snappy. Then he says he's not coming. And he doesn't come not matter what I say.

All his friends are on holiday - they all seem to go away for weeks on end.

I'm starting to think he's not actually a nice person.

I try and get them all out of the house, fun stuff, varied stuff and he just metaphorically sticks two fingers up at me all the time.

Should I just leave him to it and let him rot in his bedroom all summer and stop trying?

Turn off the WiFi when we are out?

Cancel his 'phone?

He doesn't want to come out and do anything. Is that normal?

Yes leave him to it

15 year olds aren’t known for wanting to hang with parents

If he’s gaming you need to turn the WiFi off. He can earn back WiFi privileges by doing chores. I certainly wouldn’t allow him to get away with doing no chores!

Clamp down on the chores but I would relax a bit on the rest. What is he actually interested in? I am 38 and I hate going for walks. My brother at 15 would have hated tree adventures but would have gone go karting or to the cinema.

Also, you mention DC so am guessing you have more than one. Is it because he doesn't want to do anything with the younger ones?

At 15 I wouldn't have wanted to go anywhere with my parents but my mum could normally get me out to the cinema or with an offer of lunch at a place of my choice. I was also a huge introvert. My mum would nag me to see friends but I didn't want to. I am the same now.

It could be a combination of age and personality to be honest, plus not wanting to do what is on offer. Plus, I hate going out at the moment with warm weather plus masks

Did you mean to put ‘ads’ on the thread title? If he is on the autistic spectrum I think some of the responses on here might be a bit different, as he might need more support self regulating than an NT kid.
Either way, he needs to contribute to the running of the household, and a certain amount of participation in family life too.

I have a 13 yo ds and I leave him at home some times when I go out and he doesn't want to come. (With his older siblings before anyone takes a pop)

I also leave NT older teens at home when they don't want to come. At 15 he isn't a child any more and isn't into the things you want to do as a family. So leave him to it and support him when he does want to go out, meet with his friends, whatever.

I would try and make some time for you and him to do things together when the younger ones aren't there watch a film try and get into some of his games etc to avoid him isolating himself completely. The things I do do with my teens are all more home based but I try to do one one on one thing with them each day.

My 15 year old is the same, as were all my kids at 15.
I leave her to it. She has become totally nocturnal, Shes going to bed as Im getting up for work. This has been going on since lock down and the schools closing ( Im in the USA ). She didnt have a lot of friends before lock down and seems to have less now, she is not a people person. She games all night.
When she does come out, shes happy cheerful etc but has no interest in going out, especially with us. I considered it a win when I got her to come to the hardware store with me yesterday ( she wanted to show off her new mask with a hardcore band logo on it ).
They get over it eventually.

With chores I'd get more heavy handed.

So phone time and WiFi have to be earnt by doing x y and z.

Don't nag. Let him make the decision.

He doesn't want WiFi, he doesn't have to do the chores.

I can pretty much Haringey even if he stages a protest at first - he really does want the WiFi.

I have a 15yo ds - I do feel your pain

Normal I’m afraid 😟
I think they do come out the other end in a couple of years

His behaviour is perfectly normal. I haven't met a 15 year old lad yet that doesn't want to spend all his time in his bedroom.
I honestly just don't think it's a fight worth having.

Typo in the title. Dis not ads. Soz.

I seem to remember spending a summer when I was about that age locked in my bedroom reading novels (All of Jilly Cooper and The Once and Future King...) drove my mum to distraction that I didn't want to do anything else, and refused to go on the orchestral course she wanted me to join .

It's normal - clamp down on the chores (I still fed the cats , did the washing up and watered the garden), but otherwise, leave him to it.

My kid was a miserable teenage fucker - now a lovely and reasonable grown up with a fantastic job and partner. At one point I really thought they might spend the rest of their life in their bedroom with a screen.

His latest is he's refusing to come on holiday with us if I don't buy him €50 swim shorts.

I guess you decidebrhen whether you're going to leave him behind if you're happy to do so or whether you're going to insist that he comes. If he's one beyond listening at all I'd be inclined to but them for him but make it clear to him that that's his xmas present in its entirety. Then I'd give him nothing on xmas day. But only as last resort . Really at that age I'd still expect him to go on holiday with you if you told him to.

You do still need to pate t your 15 year olds though, especially if they aren’t making the right choices.
Sitting inside all day playing computer games, isn’t healthy from a mental or physical health perspective. Bodies need exercise and vitamin D, minds need stimulation and exercise too.
You need to sit down and explain this. There’s plenty of time for both.
(I have a 14yo).

@allfurcoatnoknickers

I seem to remember spending a summer when I was about that age locked in my bedroom reading novels (All of Jilly Cooper and The Once and Future King...) drove my mum to distraction that I didn't want to do anything else, and refused to go on the orchestral course she wanted me to join .

It's normal - clamp down on the chores (I still fed the cats , did the washing up and watered the garden), but otherwise, leave him to it.

I read all the Jackie Collins’s.

Honestly, he’s 15. Pick your battles.

He sounds normal compared to mine. Spotty over-sized toddlers.
3-4 outings a week would be an achievement, and those might be < 2 hrs each. Scale down your ambitions.

Turn off the WiFi during days out but don’t force him to come. Also do this in a planned way, not a reactive way.

So say to him for example; Tuesday and Thursday will be WiFi free days and you have x and y planned for Tuesday and will be leaving at 10:30am and it would be lovely if he came.

I found the more I tried to persuade them to come somewhere the less likely they were to want to. Now I say we're doing this, if you want to come that would be lovely, if not that's fine too. 9 times out of 10 they leave it until the last minute and then decide they'll come after all. But you have to mean it. Last year we gave DS1 who was 19 but ASD the option to come on holiday with us. He wasn't keen and kept saying he probably wouldn't come, but it was a big family holiday with relatives. I said that was fine but booked his place anyway so he genuinely had free choice right up until the last minute. He came.