Anyone else feeling pressure to socialise with friends?

[nevergooogle]

It would seem that me not returning to my pre lockdown level of socialising is becoming an issue for my local friends who are asking to know when I will go hang with them again.

It's been a rough time for my family with my eldest son being very unwell and hospitalised. I'm also self employed and while my business can be resurrected hopefully I've lost a lot of business. The result is I'm not feeling very peopley and feel quite low mood but not desperately so.

I declined an invite to a bbq which happened yesterday and i know that my absence is a hot topic. Pre lockdown I would have been there with bells on. I think the time apart has allowed me to reevaluate some of the friendships too. I'm struggling a bit so don't feel particularly like partying.

I think there's an assumption that I'm terrified of coronavirus and that they want to coax me out again. But it feels like pressure and I'm just not feeling very peopley.

I just wondered if anybody else is experiencing this? And also how I avoid it becoming a big issue, offending them or me becoming some sort of project for them? Like the longer I avoid it the bigger a deal it will become.

Any advice?

Just me?

"It's been a rough time for my family with my eldest son being very unwell and hospitalised. I'm also self employed and while my business can be resurrected hopefully I've lost a lot of business. The result is I'm not feeling very peopley and feel quite low mood but not desperately so."

Can you just tell your friends this - that you need some quiet time to recharge after dealing with your son's illness & presumably having to put a lot of time & energy into your business? I can see Coronavirus is confusing things, perhaps you just need to point out to your friends that even in normal times you'd need a bit of time and space to deal with such major stuff.

Not just you! I have a circle of about 3 friends who I have been walking with since restrictions were eased and that's fine, we have just started getting together on a Friday night in each other's gardens and that's fine too. Today one of them suggested going to our local pub as they are running the money off scheme....not fine with me, I don't want to be around people in the village who I know won't keep their distance the more they drink!
I have been in town when I need to but I really don't love it....it's very peopley out there. I used to go out all the time but have enjoyed my bubble and like you have totally re-evaluated my friendship groups and whether I 'need' to be out or not!

Worth also saying maybe (if it is the case) that you are grateful for invites, please do keep offering them, and when you're ready you'll be very, very happy to see them. Or alternatively (depending on what is more appropriate for you) that you would appreciate some quiet one-on-one socialising with people right now rather than big events. I know when my DM was very ill, I was very happy to see friends in a quiet way, but couldn't deal with larger scale socialising

My advice would be to contact the person in your friendship group who you are closest to (by phone, not text, so you can have a proper two way conversation) and explain how you are feeling, making clear that you value the friendship, but don't feel ready to go back to pre-lockdown life at present. I can relate a bit in that I have a group of friends who are much less cautious in their behaviour than I am re Covid risk (which I can understand because they are people with jobs that are much higher risk, or who have partners in high risk jobs).

Thank you, yes so far I have been saying "thanks for the invitation but not yet, have a lovely time".

It's not that I'm scared to go out, I have a couple of hours a week working out of the house doing face to face with clients and usually park up at the beach and have a minute to myself, I go to shops if it can't be avoided although we have become quite adept at arranging deliveries. And I've spent plenty time at the hospital so it's not like I'm completely germophobic.

Shielding for my son ends officially next week but we've been advised by his consultant to continue to be careful due to the immune suppressing treatment he's on. I'm just not feeling that a bbq warrants putting him at risk when he's been so ill. It's less than a month since he was having blood transfusions.

My social group are so much further down the line than I am and revelling in the six households but no distancing from what I can see in the photos I'm tagged in on Instagram with a 'we miss you' message. It's sweet but I want to be left in peace.

I'm happy to keep going as I am and gradually build my contact up at my own pace but I don't want to draw attention to it or be prodded to join other people's agenda.

I'm worried someone is going to poke me and I'm going to tell them to fuck off.

You're right I think I would absolutely prefer some 1:1 and a socially distanced shoulder to cry on than be expected to be my pre lockdown cheerful self.

A group thing feels like I wouldn't be able to express myself.

Lilypond, yes I have had a telephone call and said those things. I think I need to say I need a bit more space and time.

Sadik you speak a lot of sense

I'm getting the same from some family members, they haven't the same level of responsibility or covid impact on them, so they're not quite so shellshocked I think! I've just had to explain I've got a lot on at the moment.

People who haven't been badly affected need to be a bit more understanding!

2andone thanks it's hard I think when you feel on the outside of the pack. I'm not particularly a group person but it's not nice to feel excluded even if I've done it myself!

I'm guessing I'll catch up with where they are in time? I'm excited to have my first haircut next week but the haircut excitement has passed for everyone else.

I feel similar OP.

It's lovely to be invited to things but for now I plan to accept a couple from sensible people and keep the hatches battened down the rest of the time. I would never forgive myself if we took the virus to someone who got really ill or died with it.

I know some people have struggled to adapt and just want it to be over and I understand that - but social distancing and minimising your number of contacts is still the sensible course of action.

This virus managed to spread invisibly without us noticing through the weeks and months before we had to lockdown and I'm afraid I don't trust the government not to let that happen again.

Yes it would be very damaging to my business if not bring about it's demise if I was to inadvertently spread the virus.

I have made a loose arrangement, weather permitting to meet a separate and older friend next weekend at a distance. That feels more comfortable for me and I know that i will not be a party pooper if I shed a tear.

and be gentle on yourself, if they're decent friends they'll understand. It sounds like you've had a seriously hard time lately!

Eee you've touched a nerve Sadik.

I've literally just responded to a text asking how I am with "all good".

I'm really not.

Thanks everyone, feeling very wobbly today, it's helpful to know I'm not the only one.

If they are true friends and you explain honestly about your son shielding because of his suppressed immune system, they should totally understand.

If they don't, they are twats and you don't need such self absorbedpeople in your life anyway.

Just be honest as you have been on here.

I am shielding and people are pressuring me and telling me not to be silly about the risks. If I get covid I will probably die as I have severe asthma and also am immune suppressed. My consultant has told me to go against government advice and continue shielding as much as possible past August.

It is really hard when friends think they are helping but actually, aren't.

My Mam used to tell us as children when we weren't allowed to do something that "he who pays the Piper calls the tune"
When I was complaining to her in my early twenties about how I couldn't afford social commitments but didn't want to let my friends down she said it again, but pointed out that now I paid the Piper.

I've realised that it is a way of saying that how you spend your money and time and energy is up to you and the results will be on you too.
So for friends I value strongly I put my time and energy into explaining why I won't be risking my health for the sake of a party that I'm not in a place to enjoy. Or that I can't afford something if that is the real reason and they accept that.
Sometimes I decide my relationship with someone isn't worth that investment of time and energy so I ignore their challenges to my choices and do what I want. They can stay in contact or not, up to them.
Ultimately they can't keep your son safe or build your business back up for you. They could support you in doing those things and if you think they will and your relationship with them is worth the time and energy it will take to convince them then do so.
But if not just keep the superficial relationships going and as long as you don't rise to any prodding they will move on to another topic of "concern" soon enough.
Take Care

@BarbedBloom

I am shielding and people are pressuring me and telling me not to be silly about the risks. If I get covid I will probably die as I have severe asthma and also am immune suppressed. My consultant has told me to go against government advice and continue shielding as much as possible past August.

It is really hard when friends think they are helping but actually, aren't.

@BarbedBloom sorry you are in this situation. I am not sure your friends are really being very good friends, tbh.

You should listen to your consultant.

@BarbedBloom

I am shielding and people are pressuring me and telling me not to be silly about the risks. If I get covid I will probably die as I have severe asthma and also am immune suppressed. My consultant has told me to go against government advice and continue shielding as much as possible past August.

It is really hard when friends think they are helping but actually, aren't.

My parents say similar. The whole family thinks they must be terribly bored and lonely and wants to visit during August.

Ma & Pa would just as soon we didn't bring the virus with us thanks all the same.

The last thing Shielding people should do is have loads of visitors in August while Shielding is temporarily paused.

I don't know if it's people not reading the guidance, not understanding the role that reduced contacts play in bringing down the infection level, being generally slower to adapt to new situations or having an ideological block that prevents them taking Covid seriously, but the sooner we all get on the same page the sooner we get the virus under control. (Govt competence permitting of course.)

I'm a recluse lockdowns been a dream for me

I think I have really embraced my introverted side during lockdown. I think I achieved a contentment like I'd never experienced right up until it all kicked off with my son going into hospital. I would previously have considered myself as quite extrovert. I think being an omnivert is a thing?

I just want to get back to that state of mind really. Feeling still and content.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, today I am feeling much more in control and more able to politely decline until it feels right for me. I don't actually have to do anything I don't want to do.

It's probably genuine concern that I'm misinterpreting as poking and questioning because it's a little out of character for me to decline an invitation.

Not just you! We had a baby (our first at the end of June) and restricted visitors to baby's grandparents to reduce risk of corona. However now restrictions are getting lifted everyone is wanting to come meet the baby, while we love that people want to meet her, we're still wary and saying no but then get rude comments about keeping her hidden. Go with your gut and what works for you and your family. If others don't like it that's on them, not you.