Self confessed whinger

[Milsplus3]

I’ve got a problem I need to admit, I’m a constant moaner. About everything. Not necessarily weather/news/work, but deeper stuff in my life, once I open up it flows out.
I’m a single mum with no support, very few friends or relatives. The people I do have, I tend to open up to them when we chat because that’s the only opportunity I have to speak to an adult about adult problems.
But, it’s mostly negative as apart from my children I haven’t got anything positive going on and never have.
My life isn’t great, there are a lot of problems and I’m unhappy in general. I’ve tried to get help many times in the past, but nothing works including all the pills and potions they throw at you. I feel like I’m offloading to others too much as if they can fix it, when I know they can’t. It’s just my way of getting it ‘out there’ in a sense.
Some friends seem to be distancing from me. I get it, I’d be fed up of hearing someone complain a lot. I’m not self centred, we talk about other things, including positives, and I make an effort to ask about their lives and help through hard times etc. When it’s ‘my turn’ to talk about my current life, I don’t hear from them for a few days and they change the subject when I do. It’s made me aware I am probably a bad friend.
I don’t expect them to be there for me and help me through hard times, that’s for me alone to get help I know that, but it does take some pressure off my shoulders to open up to someone and I’ve always been hugely grateful when they have offered advice or support in the past, but I’ve probably began to rely on it as escapism too much.
I’m at a loss what to do. I hold back a lot and only talk about serious things that are bothering me to ‘cut down’ on the depressing side, but I have no one really there for me to open up to emotionally and mentally.
Therapy isn’t an option, as ideal as it sounds, I can’t talk to strangers about anything. I tried it once and it was uncomfortable, and the advice I was given didn’t feel right so I didn’t return.
I go for weeks without talking to another adult sometimes, apart from occasional hellos at the school gates, so it gets bottled up and I probably pounce at the first sign of interaction from a friend. (All online never face to face as I don’t like my children being aware)
Has anyone got any tips for me to help me ‘snap out of it’ or accept I just don’t have anyone willing to listen anymore? It’s not a case of ‘change your life if you aren’t happy’ it’s harder than that.
I’ve considered a diary to put everything down on paper I would usually text to friends, but it feels quite ‘dead end’. I feel guilty that I am probably hard work and draining them too or expecting too much, I don’t want sympathy or attention just someone who genuinely cares.
Can anyone relate?

I relate totally to this. I went for a walk with a friend last week and kept catching myself being very negative about all sorts of stuff. It's like all the joy has been sucked out of life. Unfortunately, I am a glass half empty sort of person. Like you, I try to make an effort to ask people about themselves etc. I do have a dh but I think he tunes out a lot of the time having heard it all before. I am a sahm and don't have many avenues to vent my frustrations etc. Neither do I have much extended family although I do have a brother who I think does a similar thing (though I don't see much of him currently but I can imagine the two of us sitting there and moaning about everything!)

It seems really difficult to find good friends or perhaps people who don't have their own issues and can make space.

Thanks for replies, I’m glad it’s not just me although I’m sorry you also feel this way.

I’m not as much of a moaner as I was, but I am not an optimist. Keeping a diary to moan in would probably help, you can moan as much as you like without anyone minding at all! It doesn’t have to be totally dead end, you can write a moaning letter to yourself and then reply.
I work somewhere where there are some insanely optimistic and cheerful characters. It gets wearing after a time as it means all the problems are ignored. Moaning a bit can be quite bonding!

I haven't got any answers. I plan to try and meet more people with shared interests when covid eases, I've set myself a target of the number of new people I'd like to meet. I live a lot in my head and spend a fair bit of time on mumsnet. It's invaluable to feel listened to, it's all about making connection beyond the superficial "hello's and how are you." Interested to hear if anyone else has anything to add.

Yes, I agree with moaning being a bonding thing. I also understand where you're coming from re. optimistic and cheerful characters, though I don't actually know any in real life. My dh can be mostly on the optimistic side, so I don't always get a lot of sympathy there.

There must be something that makes you happy, even if it's just a sunny day or flowers in the park or a nice walk. You do make feel as if I'd run if you saw you coming. Not everything needs to be shared.

I can relate to this but I feel like all of my moaning is directed at my partner, and then with my very limited circle of friends/family I don’t actually tend to be that honest about how happy (or otherwise) I am and so those relationships end up feeling quite superficial. You’ve done really well to sum up how you feel on here, though- could you not read this out to a counsellor to get started? They’re supposed to be experts at asking the right questions to get you to open up!

Could your life be enriched by making some new friends, starting some hobbies or perhaps even putting yourself out there to meet a new ‘significant other’?

Write in a diary and keep it away from your friends if you can.

I know it sounds harsh but it's not just that your life isn't happy, it's that you're one of those people that will reject any suggested solution.

It's not an attack on you as I used to be like it and have several people I love who are like it, but there is nothing more frustrating than someone who is unhappy or depresses but you also can't help in any way. Or they don't seem to want to help themselves.

The 'yeah but no' people.

Have you tried meds? Yeah but they don't work.
What about this one? All of them, none work or I can't take them cos x, y or z.
I think some therapy might help? Yeah but I can't.
What about...? Yeah, tried that/can't do that/nothing works.

So it feels like they don't want to change or try anything but just unload on you and that's what makes people back away a bit. It's not that they don't care.

for you OP. It is shit feeling so down and also feeling that nothing will ever change or help.

Thank you for the replies, I expected to be called selfish etc tbh so I appreciate the kindness and tips a lot from all of you.
Katy I don’t share everything just things going on currently that are affecting me at the time, for example my ex when he refused to pay maintenance and I was struggling financially. I promise I don’t complain about the wind direction or an ant in my garden, it’s genuine stresses that are constantly flying at me. It’s hard to see any positivity beyond the crap I deal with daily tbh, although there may well be some it’s like a black cloud over me all day.
Sisterwives I’m open to all suggestions and I have tried them all out that have been suggested to me, including the counselling and pills. I’m stuck moving forward on what else I can try, but I’ve been desperate to change this for a long time. I don’t make excuses for it, I’m aware it’s not nice to hear someone complain every time you speak to them so I appreciate your take from my friends possible viewpoint.
Fedup thanks for the encouragement, I’m not sure how to go about making new friends and it puts me off slightly as I know they may also get annoyed with me at some point. I tend to keep myself to myself so I’m not a burden.
I’ll try the diary for a few days and see if it makes any difference, thanks all

Hey OP. I'm so sorry you feel this way. But please don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes life is just shit. The fact that you have enough self awareness to identify the negativity shows that you're not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination - it sounds like your heart is in the right place by knowing where your head needs to be even if your head is just too weighed down by all the crap getting you down.

I went through a bit of a bad patch of acting out and just being a bloody miserable git too. It took my mum sitting me down and asking me whether I was happy to realise that happy people don't act like that. It didn't help that I had a partner who had no patience whatsoever. So when I would try to use him as an outlet to vent my upset he would only hear "moan moan moan" and instead of understanding that I was upset he would get pissed off at me for being upset and lose his patience, and we would end up in an argument thereby compounding my misery.

Unfortunately it can be a bit of a self-perpetuating cycle - life can be shit so you're unhappy, so you're negative and then your negativity fuels the unhappiness.

I can't offer any magic solution I'm afraid. I wish I could. Unfortunately it sounds like your friends should have a bit more compassion and patience because it really is a bigger mental health issue. But it's hard to tell them that they need to understand that you're struggling. Especially if they have already lost patience with your negativity.

So I would steer clear of offloading on your friends for now. Because coming away from those conversations feeling like they are fed up with you will only make you feel more shit. Finding that one friend that I could open up to about everything really did help but I guess the fact that you are missing/overusing that is kind of the point of your post!

The only other thing I can say is getting out and exercising as much as I could did me feel like I was blowing some cobwebs away.

I wish I could be more helpful. I guess I just wanted to say please don't beat yourself up too much. There are so many other people out there that feel that way.

Thank you Agatha I appreciate every word, I hope you are feeling better now

And really, if you are going through a rough time that you can’t see any way out of, don’t make yourself feel any worse for being moany. A journal might work. One technique is to moan there and rage if necessary, to the point where you actually get bored of it - maybe it all needs shifting out of the way, before you can find any light heartedness. Then you can start a gratitude journal!

I mean this in the nicest way possible but when a friend constantly moans at you and sends constant texts about their problems it is very draining, and overwhelming. Plus there is always the possibility that the friends you are telling your problems to also have their own problems, that they have not told you, or that they have depression or anxiety or other mental health problems. I had to distance myself from a friend a couple of years ago as my mum had just died and I had various other things going on and she was sending me reams and reams of text messages moaning all day long, and would pop round and sit and talk about her problems for hours. I was feeling very low anyway and her behaviour made me feel even more down and panicky.

I don't think it's very healthy to just see friends as someone to unload on all the time. It has to be balanced, and friends might know that you are possibly just listening to their problems because you 'have to' and waiting to speak again about your problems. I'd suggest seeing a counsellor or therapist if you find talking to someone about everything beneficial.

I found myself in the same situation. My DH has major health problems which impact hugely on our lives. We've had many other major problems over the last few years, from financial to legal. It's difficult, as people don't want to hear about things that can't be fixed. The only option for me has been to pay for therapy I can't afford. I wonder if we need a MN Moaner group!!

That would be great wouldn’t it autumn! Sorry others are feeling rubbish too.
Violet I appreciate your view, I do also help my friends with their problems when they need to offload too, but they have many friends and relatives they can speak to so I’m not their main point of contact the way they are for me. Their idea of moaning is just going over something that happened and how it was solved with help of others, how they felt etc. I sometimes get asked for advice and they do often take it, but with me they are the first people I go to at the point of the situation occurring and I can see that may put them under pressure to ‘fix it’ as such, when really it’s just to offload and not to expect anything in return.
I haven’t mentioned anything negative to anyone since I posted this, if I feel the need I stop and I write the text in my phones notes, and continue with our conversation. It might take a while for me to get used to it but I’m hoping it’ll make a difference before I lose what few friends I have. I have been asked if I’m ok today, as I guess they have noticed I’m being ‘too positive’ and that just makes me feel awful that I really am a miserable person constantly at the brink of a breakdown.

Mmmm, I'm less than convinced about your 'friends'. This, in particular, stood out to me:

I’m not self centred, we talk about other things, including positives, and I make an effort to ask about their lives and help through hard times etc. When it’s ‘my turn’ to talk about my current life, I don’t hear from them for a few days and they change the subject when I do. It’s made me aware I am probably a bad friend.

I'd suggest a more appropriate last sentence could be 'It's made me aware they are probably a bad friend.'

Surely, friendship is about give and take even if sometimes that can be unbalanced for a while. If, with everything that you've got going on, you can still be there for your friends, take an interest in their lives and support them then why should you accept them ignoring you or vanishing when you are in distress? I wonder if your 'role' in this 'friendship' group is the listener / counsellor / advisor and your friends are taking that from you but giving nothing back for various reasons not necessarily connected with you or your behaviour. I'm also less than convinced by their now asking if you are ok and if that is also about you or about them. To be frank, I wouldn't spend time on wondering why your 'friends' are behaving the way they do. Right now, their friendship isn't helping you even if you are there for them and offering them support. Far better to put your time and emotional energy into your own life and your own problems.

I'm sorry you didn't find counselling or pills and potions beneficial. When life is repeatedly kicking you in the teeth, both can be a real support even if they obviously cannot solve your problems. As with all professions, you get good and bad practitioners (and some that should be struck off). A lot of counsellors offer free 15 minute 'chats' to establish if you would be compatible. Perhaps you could try that, after all what have you got to lose?

Another thought: how about 'Befriending' schemes. Charities are crying out for people with your warmth, listening skills and supportive, caring nature. Why not use your skills where they would be valued and appreciated instead of sucked up and unreciprocated. Again, not at the expense of caring for yourself or solving your own problems but as a valid way of connecting with other people who want to have a conversation with you.

Wishing you all the best

@AutumnLeavesSeptember

I wonder if we need a MN Moaner group!!

I'm in! It's always Good to Grumble

I’m up for it! Shall I start a moaning thread?

I'd certainly hang out there if you did Geranium

Yes, I'm up for a good grumble too.

Ok. Hold on a moment.

I love a good moan but equally my friends really know if I'm happy. I can't really hide my feelings.

I recognise this in myself and am quite a glass half empty person who was raised by two very anxious pessimists. I have lost a fair few friends along the way and while I think they could have been more supportive at times, ultimately I had to recognise that my draining behaviour was part of the issue. It just isn't nice to be around a moany negative person. Other ways I learnt to cope was writing my thoughts in a diary, seeing a therapist(took a while to find the right one for me but was super helpful once I did so maybe try that strategy again. I also take myself for a walk and have a wee word with myself when I'm feeling upset and have no one else to talk things through with. I find it helpful to just say stuff out loud and my brain also often then jumps to also saying out loud all the things I could do to help the situation that is bothering me. Another technique I had to practice was when I was due to meet a friend preparing a list of questions I could ask them to keep that focus longer than I would naturally before my mind dragged back to unburdening my own issues. I think you sound very self aware and a thoughtful person and this is a great starting point for you to be able to make some small changes.

I'm sorry you feel that way, however, have you considered that when you think you've listened to your friend and then it's "your turn" you don't respond to what your friend has been saying? I have a friend who is so wrapped up in her own stuff, and I'm trying to support her, but she has no idea what I'm go8ng through and not really listening. I have to distance cos it's all about her. I keep going back though cos I care for her, but I'm becoming more aware it's not reciprocated