Hate being military wife

[getmeacupoftea]

I just cant stop crying, having a bad evening and feeling very sorry for myself. Just moved for the 4th time in 4 years. I was beginning to enjoy our previous posting, I was making friends and confident getting out and about on my own with our two small children. We've just been moved into a tiny married quarter on a rough estate. (Constant car break ins and anti-social behaviour) I'm climbing over boxes and furniture to get from one room to the other, it's like living in a hoarders house. No family or friends anywhere near, and yet another career prospect I've had to give up. The neighbours are rude and uninterested. This is a 2 year posting where my husband will more or less be continuously away, coming back for a couple of months here and there. Contact with him is an email or phone call a day, no instant messaging or facetime when I need somone to talk to. Like how can anyone's job cause this much stress and lack of mental well-being. I can't cope at all. I need my husband. I'm not feeling very patriotic right now.

Does your husband know how you feel?

Oh my you poor thing. Just wanted to say you’re amazing and hang on in there.

Sounds really hard. I hope you can find support.

@christinarossitti

He does. Hes powerless to do anything really. Its why I'm so sad and angry. It's not like we can say "fuck it, let's leave" because you have to give a years notice to do so.

That sounds really tough, OP. If your husband is going to be away most of the time, and as this lifestyle is going to have a serious impact on your career, couldn't you find yourself a permanent base and stay there, and your husband can visit you when he's on leave?

You don't need to live in military accommodation, you can take the housing allowance instead, DD's partners brother doesn't live on base and gets a decent amount extra pay

Is there any possibility you could settle off camp with your children and not move when the battalion moved? That’s in the future though. Try and find support in the short term - via SSAFA or the Bish maybe?

Moving is always tough and unsettling. I know several families who have been happier having a settled family base.

Since your husband will be away so much, and you have young children, it seems you need a much safer place to live.

I know several military families and it is just really shit on the wives. Being away is no picnic for your husband but you really have to accept giving up so much as the wife to support your partner.

I think there are military wife support networks in place, have you tried those?

Just wondered if you could live off the base near family and just get your husband to stay with you when he has leave, you can't keep moving when kids are at school. You can then get a career with family support, that's what i do and others I know. It's just not going to work long term.

I’m sending good wishes OP - you have my empathy - it is really tough and a stable base definitely helps.

Whenever I hear a politician saying how difficult it is to recruit to the military, I think of their lack of imagination for military families - it’s very hard on anyone supporting a military career.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

-we would love to own our own home, but we could only afford a mortgage with a second income, which is obviously something I am unable to achieve at the moment.

-the housing allowance is something that's only in the piloting stage at the minute, so only rolled out for a select few bases across the country. Maybe in a few years it might be available to us.

-im part of a few online support groups, but there's only so much Facebook messages can do.

Sorry to go on, I know I'm wallowing in my own misery at the moment

If you can afford it, move off base! We always made the decision to live a 20minute+ commute from the base because DH didn't want to be cheek by jowl with work colleagues in his down time. The downside is it is much harder to build a military community, but the benefit is you can choose your house, your area and you can blissfully forget for some of the time that you're a military wife.

If moving isn't an option, I'd be on the phone to the base. In quarters you shouldnt be suffering from anti social behaviour and break ins. They need to get their arses into gear. I'm assuming the kids causing the trouble are from military families? Or are they locals kids coming in?

@getmeacupoftea

Thanks for the replies everyone.

-we would love to own our own home, but we could only afford a mortgage with a second income, which is obviously something I am unable to achieve at the moment.

-the housing allowance is something that's only in the piloting stage at the minute, so only rolled out for a select few bases across the country. Maybe in a few years it might be available to us.

-im part of a few online support groups, but there's only so much Facebook messages can do.

Sorry to go on, I know I'm wallowing in my own misery at the moment

Could you rent on one salary? He should at the minimum get home to duty so that would cover some of the commuting costs/go towards rent depending on how far away you live. If you're there for two years I'm sure you'll get set up and on your way soon enough with a job.

You are not going in OP - definitely a moment for venting

We lived in our own house (me and the children) while dh went here and there. Mostly he was with us but sometimes we only saw him at weekends. If your DH is away for months at a time maybe no loss if you do the same. We used to feel hard done by when we were paying a mortgage while friends paid low army rent (it was very cheap in those days) but then we'd paid off our mortgage while those same friends were buying their first owned home. Best of luck, there is no easy answer.

@Lurcher

We are living on a mixed estate of military and council I think. Not that I'm saying it's rough because it's also a council area, but it's not military kids I dont think. The navy police do patrols I think.

Unfortunately we are down south and rent is upwards of £800pcm for a three bedroom house.

I've got some weekend work lined up here in a sector I'd like some experience in, would have to pay a babysitter my wages but at least it's something I can get on my CV.

I would honestly look at the option of moving closer to family/an area where you fell happier if your husband is going to be away that much. It might give you a chance to establish yourself a bit more and then in future enable you to buy. I’m sure you’ve looked at forces help to buy but look at the get you home pay (not sure of what it is actually called but what we call it in our house). We decided to buy near one base so that me and our son would have some stability and DH commutes when he is not based at our nearest base. It works for us but it’s not for everyone. You didn’t say which service but also get in contact with that service’s families federation and raise the antisocial behaviour with the base. It isn’t acceptable. Sending you hugs and do rant away.

Don't suppose you've managed to join the patch fb page yet? Might be a good starting point to find equally pissed off wives nearby. Totally get it though. It's bloody exhausting. I've yet to manage a march in and not sit on the kitchen floor in tears within the first 24 hours. Too many boxes, shitty quarters and normally a manky blue carpet everywhere. Wallow away fellow army wife. 🍸🍹🥃🥃🍷

Thanks for the replies again. X

I've signed up to the Facebook community pages and to be honest I just find them quite bitchy. Some of them do have good information on though. It's so good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. It really is shit.

Yes to the patch pages being a bit mad, but always good for going to a meeting of some sort and finding a kindred spirit to get you through what is going to be a crap posting if your husbands away most of it. Sorry you're feeling so shit though.

Why are you following your husband? Just move back to where you're from with the kids, and he can visit as often as he can. It's obviously stupid to move the whole family every year.

I hear you! 8 moves in 12 years. Just beyond exhausted with it all. Living in a horrible town in a horrible house. We’ve only lived here for 11 months but already know we will move in April so I do know there is light at the end of this hideous tunnel - but equally it just removes any motivation to improve things here as I know we’ll soon be moving.

[quote getmeacupoftea]@Lurcher

We are living on a mixed estate of military and council I think. Not that I'm saying it's rough because it's also a council area, but it's not military kids I dont think. The navy police do patrols I think.

Unfortunately we are down south and rent is upwards of £800pcm for a three bedroom house.

I've got some weekend work lined up here in a sector I'd like some experience in, would have to pay a babysitter my wages but at least it's something I can get on my CV. [/quote]
We ended up in Oxfordshire so I feel your pain with expensive local costs. DH ended up with an hour's commute down here so we could afford rent whilst I found work. We don't have children though so it makes things easier. He ended up leaving the forces after 4 years down here and we ended up staying, woops. Still cursing ourselves for the expensive housing costs!
Please rant away, it can be really really shit!
Is moving home/somewhere else an option like others have suggested. I know you want to be with him (and I always said I'd move wherever was needed to stay together) but if he's away for months at a time with only short R&R back with you, could it be worth finding something stable for you and the kids so you can find a decent, stable job and the kids can settle at a nursery/school for a decent length of time? When DH was looking at a posting up in North Scotland and possibly months away in Afghan I really debated whether I wanted to go with him. I didn't drive at the point and was so worried about being totally isolated. It didn't end up happening but it worried my witless at the time. I think sometimes as military partners we spend so much time trying to make their lives easy, we forget that actually our happiness is probably the biggest and best change we can make.
But none of that is an instant fix and is a big decision to make! For now, as always, try and get to know some immediate neighbours and I'm sure they'll be able to suggest nice places to go and things to do. A few friendly faces can make all the difference in settling in. Good luck. I'm sure you'll feel better once you've unpacked, moving is so stressful whether you're used to it or not.

The moving is crap. Horrible housing is crap. After 10yrs we've decided enough is enough and within the next year I'm moving into our own house. Unfortunately DH in the 'Pension Trap' so he can't retire for another 7 years, so he'll be weekly commuting. We've had good times, but now stability for DDs is the priority.

There is Help to Buy available for families- could that be an option?