Hate being military wife

[getmeacupoftea]

I just cant stop crying, having a bad evening and feeling very sorry for myself. Just moved for the 4th time in 4 years. I was beginning to enjoy our previous posting, I was making friends and confident getting out and about on my own with our two small children. We've just been moved into a tiny married quarter on a rough estate. (Constant car break ins and anti-social behaviour) I'm climbing over boxes and furniture to get from one room to the other, it's like living in a hoarders house. No family or friends anywhere near, and yet another career prospect I've had to give up. The neighbours are rude and uninterested. This is a 2 year posting where my husband will more or less be continuously away, coming back for a couple of months here and there. Contact with him is an email or phone call a day, no instant messaging or facetime when I need somone to talk to. Like how can anyone's job cause this much stress and lack of mental well-being. I can't cope at all. I need my husband. I'm not feeling very patriotic right now.

@scissorsbike

Please read previous replies. Yes it is, "obviously stupid." But I dont have a choice.

It isn’t stupid to move, it’s military life, being married unaccompanied isn’t for everyone.

Put the kettle on and pile all the boxes up neatly so you aren’t tripping over everything. Once you manage to get some stuff unpacked it won’t seem so grim. Maybe see if there’s anything going on now that lockdown is easing? Wives pages can be bitchy but also that’s sometimes just the written word and there’s always some nice people.

You have my support though, we’ve just marched in to our new quarter and currently have no kitchen floor so...

It will get better xx

-help to buy is an option but a deposit isnt what's the issue for us, it's the monthly repayments. With his hours changing often childcare would be immense. But I would absolutely love to settle in one place. I think after this two years we are seriously going to be looking into it. X

What’s helped me is not thinking past the immediate task in front of me. So like ‘I am going to bleach the cupboards’ and not ‘I have a huge list and instead of doing any of it I am going to google the dream houses we currently can’t afford to move into and be sad’. One task, radio on, be nice to yourself and allow yourself a little bit of meh but then do a task and you do feel better for it even though you want to just fling yourself on the sofa and howl with the misery of it all!

Thank you again ❤

-help to buy is an option but a deposit isnt what's the issue for us, it's the monthly repayments. With his hours changing often childcare would be immense. But I would absolutely love to settle in one place. I think after this two years we are seriously going to be looking into it. X

Bit of hope for the future...
www.gov.uk/government/news/free-wraparound-childcare-for-the-armed-forces

Hey, OP, I'm not a military spouse so can't offer advice but just wanted to check if you knew about the "Forces' Sweethearts" board on here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/forces_sweethearts

It might be a bit different to the FB pages and have some likeminded people on it.

Oops, sorry for posting same reply twice.

Thank you for your recommendations and kind words. I feel better. X

I’ve noticed our usernames are two sides of the same coin 😂

Haha @iwouldlikesomecake
Perfect combo!

This sounds awful.

Is he absolutely wedded to his job? Are there other things he could consider? It sounds to me as if you need an honest conversation about that.

If he can't or won't give up his job, I would say - go to the cheapest part of the country you can find, look for a nice sociable village or town, and rent. Or buy if you can. You need a base. It might feel weird to move somewhere you know no one - but if you were to sign a six month lease somewhere cheap, what do you lose long term? Not much. You could find you have a whole load of good friends in (say) North Yorkshire or Wales or wherever. And then perhaps you could save up the money for a deposit/build up the capital to buy a better house while also getting some stability for you personally?

It's a shit deal for partners, usually the wives. Moan away and make the best of it for now and think of some mid term solutions. In the short term could you go and stay with family for a week or two?
Moving is very stressful. Must be so hard and frustrating when you were only just getting into the last place.

@SarahandQuack

He has always been apologetic for his job, unfortunately theres not a whole lot we could do. We could leave the military but we have to put in a years notice to do so. In current times it does offer job security. I don't know what's more important to the kids, keeping the family together or having a settled home. X

Oh, I get that. That's really tough. I can see that right now a steady job would be the priority. I suppose I'd also want to know, in your situation, if he saw this as a life career or if he imagined that in maybe 5 years he'd be more able to get out?

But it is so hard.

I think honestly, your children will be fine. It's you who'll suffer. But you mustn't guilt trip yourself about the children. Kids grow up with all sorts of different situations and they are fine.

OP where down south are you? Sounds familiar to a military base near me.

Pompey?

Thank you for your words again @SarahandQuack

-dont want to give away location as I am on my own with kiddies if that's okay😊

-no not Pompey been there done that one 😂

Ex Military Wife here.

My advice, don't follow him around.

Go home, near family and friends for the next 2 years. Rent affordable accommodation as near to family and friends. He can visit when he can.

Then after this posting, see what the next one is, if it's worth moving with him or staying put. Don't put his career before yourself and the children. Give them some stability, and go back to where you have a strong support network.

Build your career also, because an injury could end his.

Patch Facebook groups are like hornets nests and best avoided in my experience.

But if you really want to stick where you are but want better accommodation speak to the welfare officer or the padre. Explain your concerns about the estate and you don't feel safe living there alone. They may be able to help, but I wouldn't count on it sadly.

@getmeacupoftea, I just wanted to empathise and say stay strong.
I only managed 12 years as a military wife. It was bloody hard going.
I didn't fit in as I had no kids and my own job, so I couldn't do the random coffee dates etc. so I found it lonely and tough at times too,just different reasons.

Rather than joining Facebook pages linked to the base, could you join general ones for the area?
I also used 'MeetUp' (not sure if it's still active).
Whilst I made some amazing friends with other wives that long outlasted my marriage, it was also helpful to have friends outside of the military world too.
Just a thought,but it may help lessen some of the bitchiness that can build up in a closed community.

Good luck, I'm sure you will make it work.
Just be kind to yourself for now. The moves are always unsettling and emotional, especially if your husband is away as soon as the boxes are dropped.x

@getmeacupoftea ☝️everything @MaleficentsCrow said.
Wise words. x

My partner is being posted 3 hours away next month. I'm not going with him. Stability for the kids and a support network around me outweighed the pros of going with him.