First baby at 22, second at 36. Yay or nay?

[Maybebabyat36]

Hi,

Just that really? Would you? Did you?

Definitely at something of a crossroads in life. Already have a dc from a previous relationship and was way too young when I had them! Bad relationship. No money etc. Just not in a good place to have a dc, but she is my world now.

Married now to a woman, so a donor would be required, which is another side issue....

Part of me feels guilty for the dc not having a dad in their life. My dw is very much wanting to go ahead and says that I'm over thinking and that the main thing is that the dc will have a loving and stable upbringing.

Another potential issue is my dc having such a large gap between them and their sibling, so will have a different kind of bond/relationship perhaps. They'll be off to uni when their brother or sister is starting infants, afterall. Is that a bad thing? Or just not the "norm"?

I obviously worry a bit about my age and the risks associated with that too.

But, I am incredibly broody. I would love a bigger family and I find myself feeling quite jealous when I see families with LO running around. In our village, they're everywhere! So can't escape that feeling.

Is my dw right? Am I over thinking it? Should we just crack on? Or on the flip side, should we be thankful that we will soon(ish) have our freedom back and stay just the 3 of us?

Should say I did have some fertility tests about 6 or so months ago and everything looked good, but I know at this age things can change very quickly.

Thanks for reading

Please ignore that superfluous question mark in the opening sentence 🤦‍♀️

The shame.

I think you are overthinking it. As long as you don't treat your first child like a free babysitter it should be fine. My dad's sister is 14 years older than him and they are super close (call each other pretty much every day).

A child will be fine with two loving parents in their life no matter what the sex (and even one loving parent regardless of sex).

36 is also not too old I have plenty of friends in their 40s who have had kids. It will be a very different experience for you but i am sure it will be a great one.

If it is what both you and your wife want then go for it :)

Big no no for me. I had DS at 22, he's 7 and not a chance I would want to do the whole baby and toddler stage again.

It's personal though. I know someone who had her first child at 18 and her second child at 32. She then became a grandmother at 36 as her eldest had a baby!

@Bells3032, thank you. I do hear of lots of large age gap siblings, but I don't know of any personally, so maybe my mind might be put at rest a little if I did. That said, every family is different aren't they? For every positive story there's a negative and vice versa.

I know 36 isn't that old to have a baby these days, but still, I do worry. It doesn't help that my own mother thinks I'm genuinely insane for even considering it! Not sure how to take that, given she was only a couple of years younger than me now when she had me

@Waxonwaxoff0, wow! Yeah, it is very much down to personal choice. Problem is, I'm not good at knowing my own mind!

i think you need to do what's right for you and no one other than you and your wife's opinion matters. If you're having doubts because you're not sure you really want to and you're coming up with excuses then you need to sit down with wife and discuss.

If you're worried what anyone else will think then sod them and do it.

Like you said there are lots of good and bad stories but the same is true of ANY age gap. It's how you treat the kids that is important.

I have a sister who is 14 years older than me (and 16 years older than my other sister). We were obviously at very different life stages when I was a child - she loved me and helped babysit though - but as adults we love each other and are close sisters.

As I recall, the research on children with f/f parents shows that they do better, on average, than children born to a heterosexual couple If you both want it, I don't see any reason not to go for it. 36 is a fine age to have a child, and if you're up for going back to square 1 with a baby... what's the issue?

I have a friend from school who had her first at 17. She just had #2 and then #3 quickly thereafter at 38-40.

Another friend from school had her first at 15 (yes, you read that right) and then had 2 more mid-20s, but her 4th is 3 now and I think she would have had him at about 34? Her eldest was just leaving for uni!

All very happy. I would imagine you are a very different person mid-late 30s than you are in late teens early 20s, and a very different parent. I definitely would (I had my 2 at 32 and 37).

Back in the days qwhen people had large families as the norm it would be a very normal age gap between youngest and eldest. Its also very common for people who have second relationships. Family set ups are varied your child will be fine without a dad and two loving mums. If you want them to have a male role model then grandads, uncles, adults at scouts and sports clubs can all fill that area. There are plenty of children whose dad's aren't in their life 24:7 whether that's because they work away / late shifts or don't live with them. The vast majority will turn into rwell rounded adults.
There are risk factors as you get older so best to get healthy before you start trying weight and kick unhealthy habits to lessen the risks - then it's luck of the draw same as anyone else.
Would you be the one to carry the baby or DW? The question is more about are you ready for the baby / toddler years etc and if you don't want to but DW does where do you go from there.

@Bells3032, I think my problem is unless I am 100% sure, I consider it too risky. Yes, I am certainly not a gambler So I don't know if I have genuine reservations about having another baby....a baby with a donor....a baby at 36+ or just reservations about life generally. I.e, there are no certainties with anything in life and whereas that is out of my control, it does scare me and will often hold me back making all kinds of decisions...

It's fun being me

@SeagoingSexpot, well I'm hanging onto that stat! I think I've heard that before actually.

@mindutopia, oh I'd be a completely different parent this time round, I'm sure. I wasn't a bad mum, but I think I was a bit shell shocked tbh. I was still desperate to hold onto my youth and I think there was a tad bit of resentment there. Not towards my dc, but the situation. I seemed to be surrounded by older, "together" mums, who seemed to have it all. Of course they didn't, but in my head they were all amazing, well off, clued up and incredibly enviable. I always felt so out of place, so it would be nice to do it now I'm more comfortable in my slightly sagging skin.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime, I've been taking fertility boosting vitamins for about 8 or 9 months and diet wise, I think I'm very healthy overall. Could do with notching down the units though

I am planning on carrying and then if we wanted another, dw would probably carry the next. She needs to take at least one for the team, right? She's also a little younger than me, so makes more sense.

If I decided against it, dw would be 100% supportive and she has said so. She doesn't have an intense broody feeling like I do, so she wouldn't have this ache or yearning for a baby. It's more that she thinks it would simply be a really lovely and positive thing for us to do. She is much more the practical one! She would be an amazing mum though.

That was long.

Just wanted to give this a bump. Had some great words of wisdom so far

Hello I'm in a similar position. Had two DD with exH who are 9 and 7 and have been trying (I actually think I might be pregnant) for number three with my partner. His kids are a similar age to mine. We have debated the pros and cons for years - and during that time lost two pregnancies. But now I'm giving it one last shot! I really think the age gap will provide challenges but I also think that it will be amazing.

Good luck to you and your wife - I hope you go for it and it's brilliant

This was me!! (Give or take).

22 with my first from first marriage, 34 with my second (pregnant again with 3rd at 40 both with second and hopefully last husband )

My Ds and Dd adore each other. Ds is the best big brother anyone could ask for. They bicker like mad though, although that’s lovely in its own way. But they love each other. He was just about to turn 12 when she was born and he doted on her. And he’s a bloody excellent and reliable babysitter for a tenner and a bag of chips on the way home!

Go for it.

My mother had my siblings at 17/19/21. I came along when she was 36 and my younger sibling when she was 44. There's no right or wrong age to have children. My mother loves us all equally.

You may be overthinking things. But do what feels right for you. You can get hundreds of opinions on here but ultimately, the decision is with you and your partner.

Thank you @LittleBrownBaby. I'm sorry for your losses I am keeping everything crossed that your suspicions are correct and you're expecting again

@Wilburgh, haha sounds perfect!

@teletubies123, you're right. I suppose it's sometimes nice to get some impartial advice and opinions.

Go for it.

People answering and saying no on the basis that THEY wouldn’t want to go through the baby stage again, fair enough - but OP isn’t asking that.

I had my first at 20, and my second seven months ago at nearly 35. No regrets so far!

@whiteplains, well.....I can't say I'm looking forward to the sleepless nights or the toddler, temper tantrums, but babies generally 🥰

@Alderaan, good to hear. Can I ask how your first dc took the news initially? 7 months is such a lovely age!

She was over the moon. She'd always wanted a sibling. Obviously they won't grow up together, but she bloody adores him and it's wonderful to see the love they share

@Alderaan, that's really sweet. How are you finding it this time round? Does it feel very different to when you had your dd?

I had DD at 24 and then the DSs at 38 & 39.

The big gap is absolutely fine. It’s the small gap between the DSs that’s the problem.... 😱

I have just done exactly this OP! 23 when I had my first, turned 38 yesterday and had second DS 3 weeks ago. DS1 is smitten with his baby brother

@Mamette, can I ask which you found easier?

@Rosecottage888, aww that's fantastic. Happy birthday for yesterday and congratulations on your new baby! Wow, 3 weeks?! And you're still awake?....

It's different to first time around, definitely. I don't have as much energy but I'm more mentally stable, which is definitely a bonus! The first time, although I loved DD's dad, the relationship was always doomed. It was virtually platonic, we were skint, and the pregnancy was totally unplanned.

This time around, I'm happily married and DH desperately wanted a child.

I sometimes think I'm mad to have started over again when my first is almost fully grown, and occasionally it dawns on me that I haven't really had any adulthood without being a Mum, but I love my children and wouldn't change anything given the chance. Had my husband not wanted a child so much though, I don't think I would have yearned for another.

Is the process of finding a donor for your baby a lengthy one? We actually started trying to conceive when I was 32, but it took considerably longer than expected!