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Original poster

Pregnant SIL

50 replies

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 11:51

Hi all,

Just want some clarity so I am here!

My SIL and I fell pregnant at the same time around December last year; my second pregnancy ( first was a mmc) and her second successful pregnancy( she had dc1)
I went on to have a miscarriage in March this year, her pregnancy has gone well touch Wood. However I feel like she hasn’t helped make my life easy at all and I just want some perspective on whether I am just being over sensitive or if I should just avoid her going forward.

So firstly we have a whatsapp group set up by her ; she changed the name to “baby no2 coming”

She came over and was discussing baby name options 2 weeks after my d&c

She initially sent me a text saying she is sorry for what happened and that I “seem quite fertile” so should be fine and has never asked since on how I am doing despite everyone knowing I was signed off work for 6 weeks with stress/recovery time etc.

She very often in this whatsapp group will say things like I am x weeks today, I am x this today and that.

She did an announcement for the gender reveal and commented after it that I seemed very quiet was I not excited for the baby to which I said of course I am and left it at that

She constantly complains of how hot and tired she is coz of her “bump” in my presence

The most recent is she randomly left the group as she felt she wasn’t getting enough attention from everyone around teh baby coming and then later said oh it was just the hormones

It has now come to the point where I feel extremely awkward around her and she also doesn’t miss a chance to shove my face in her growing bump ...

Am I being over sensitive or is it sensible to stay away?

I am also nervous about the actual due date of her baby as we literally had the same dates - but have decided I will of course visit and take something for the baby as I will still love it to bits!

Any advice ?

OP posts:

BumblePan · 22/07/2020 12:00

She is being extremely insensitive. When I was pregnant, my friend had a mc, so I toned down the pregnancy talk. I let her take the lead in conversations and only talked about my baby when she brought it up.
It probably isn't deliberate on your SIL's part, but it is tough for you. Try focus your energy on yourself and be kind to yourself. I would suggest muting some of the notifications from the group. It wont help your recovery.
MC is a horrible experience and I feel it's almost a silent grief as people dont know how to react. Sorry you are going through this. Take your time to grieve and over time you will have better days.

ellenpartridge · 22/07/2020 12:08

She's being absolutely shit and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a miscarriage a few months ago and by chance one of my husband's best friends is expecting pretty much bang on the same due date. It's their DC1 and would have been our DC2. They have backed off and cooled their baby chat right down around us out of sensitivity to our situation, as I think any decent people would.

Your SIL obviously shouldn't have to never mention it but she is rubbing it in your face.

Hope you're OK and good luck TTC.

Original poster

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 12:13

Thanks both.. at least I know I am
Not going crazy...I did mention the other day in the group as a hint that everyone is going through a struggle of some sort and we should all just be kind etc. And she replied by saying she doesn’t like people that go on and
On about their sufferings and if they are being “tested by god” constantly they should question why that is - again may be innocent I don’t know but it did feel like a dig at my second miscarriage... probably best to take a break from her and yes have just muted the group!

OP posts:

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peachypetite · 22/07/2020 12:17

I’d leave the group and if she commented just tell her you find it too painful.

Original poster

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 12:18

I did leave she added me back saying she thought I left in error and I just didn’t want a drama - anyways will be more tactful now

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2020 12:19

She is totally out of order. I’d leave the group and distance from her as much as possible.

Sorry for your loss x

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 22/07/2020 12:19

Afternoon, everyone. We've moved this thread here as it seemed to have gone in AMA by accident.

peachypetite · 22/07/2020 12:19

Added you back? Leave again the cheeky bitch!

bigknickersbigknockers · 22/07/2020 12:24

Leave the group chat again, shes beingat best unfair and at worst nasty.

Original poster

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 12:27

Thanks ladies - think your right I think maybe leave and if she does then add back or say anything I will need to stand up and say something ; no one else else seems
To be saying anything either which is why I have been doubting myself but I guess everyone is looking after their individual equations with one another which is fine - will take some
Action for my sanity!

OP posts:

Thatcouldbeme · 22/07/2020 12:30

She's a self-centered cow. I was pregnant when my SIL had been TTC for 4 years with only one MMC in all that time. I let her take the lead in conversations, didn't rub it in her face, skipped having a baby shower which I wasn't too bothered about anyway. She backed off from me which I tried to understand. She has two kids now and I've had no luck TTC no 2 so it's swings and bloody roundabouts. We have stayed on very good terms throughout and our daughters are close. I would minimise time with her and maybe mute the chat for your own sanity OP

beautifulxdisasters · 22/07/2020 12:32

Sorry for your loss OP.

Is she your DH's sister or brother's wife? Could you ask whichever of them she is connected to you by to have a quiet word?

OverTheRainbow88 · 22/07/2020 12:36

You are not being sensitive, she sounds like a complete self absorbed thick ass. It’s a shame she’s your sil as if it were a friend I wouldn’t see her again. I’m sorry for your losses.

ItchyScratch · 22/07/2020 12:38

Even aside from the fact you sadly suffered a loss - what she is doing in really needy and irritating.
I hate it when pregnant women think they are the centre of the universe when they are up the duff.

She sounds like a total bad head and I’m sorry to you that you have to put up with it.

showmethegin · 22/07/2020 12:44

As someone who has just had my third miscarriage, if someone told me I was being tested by god and that I should question why that is, I would never speak to them again.

Original poster

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 12:44

DH sister - he has had a word with his brother and even his mum previously who I believe spoke to her which resulted in her stopping sharing her latest scan but I did hear she cried and was upset that her pregnancy was being overshadowed by my loss.

In all honesty thinking back now to many a times I do think she is quite selfish and maybe that’s just the problem...

But definitely for my own sanity I need to just keep away because it’s started to give me anxiety. We had a bbq the other day at my in laws and I simply said I didn’t want any wine - no reason just didn’t fancy it and she screamed
Out ur not pregnant are you ?! And I said no I just don’t fancy a drink and she replied “phew otherwise u would have taken my moment” and that’s when I thought I’ve had enough now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 12:45

Sorry I meant DH brother wife ++++^^^

OP posts:

OverTheRainbow88 · 22/07/2020 12:47

She actually sounds pretty mad and vile- taking away her moment? Wtf is wrong with her

roxfox · 22/07/2020 12:49

Tricky one but she seems to be going well over the top generally. The thing is she may just feel like she shouldn't have to tone down her celebrations of being pregnant. For some woman pregnancy is stressful for a variety of reasons. For others it's a celebration of the act, before even giving birth.

I say this as a woman who's experienced a late miscarriage and an early one. And have now gone onto have a baby. I was so worried during my pregnancy that I might miscarry again I didn't celebrate it properly or fully enjoy being pregnant. My next pregnancy I will celebrate in full and will more likely do all sorts of cringey belly casts and what not and really make a fuss of myself.

Well I still think she's gone too far and shouldn't expect you to have to feel the same as she does when it's not only not your child, you've lost your own little baby yourself.

I'm so sorry for your losses op. Like others I'd suggest muting or leaving the group. Personally I wouldn't bring it up with her but that's probably not the right advice.

I just thin you have to disengage rather than challenge as it's such a sensitive subject and how do you forgive her for being so cold hearted anyway? Surely you don't even want to be close to her anymore? So I'd leave it. Maybe in the future when things are different you can rebond and talk then.

Ps. Baby dust x

roxfox · 22/07/2020 12:50

@Zara84

In all honesty thinking back now to many a times I do think she is quite selfish and maybe that’s just the problem...

Omg she's insane. You should probably go nc. That's too much

Original poster

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 12:55

@roxfox absolutely. And she does say she suffers from anxiety but I don’t see how being mean is a way of managing that.

I am the least non confrontational person there is which is why it has probably carried on so long.

But yes I think I will leave and not say anything directly as god knows maybe she is struggling with something and venting out ?

Hopefully 2021 will be better - has been an awful year thus far!

Thanks for all your replies :)

OP posts:

rumblingtumtum · 22/07/2020 12:55

She's a twat OP. Sorry for your loss x

Aria2015 · 22/07/2020 13:01

She sounds horrible. That last comment about 'stealing her moment' says it all really. You need to prioritise your own feelings and wellbeing here. Pull right away and if you're questioned, just say that you're happy for her but that her pregnancy reminds you of what you've lost and it's painful for you.

To be honest I think you've shown amazing strength in the face of her essentially rubbing her pregnancy in your face. Also, she sounds like she has a pretty inflated opinion of herself to think that everyone should be so invested in her pregnancy.

I've had 3 losses myself op so I know how horrible it is. Most decent people are very sensitive to loss, sadly your sil doesn't sound like she falls into the 'decent' category! Best of luck for the future.

Metallicalover · 22/07/2020 13:02

I couldn't be bothered with her and I have gone what your going through! Sorry about your miscarriages 😔

I get people are excited to have a baby but I can't stand gender reveals, people going on and on about the bump and constantly going on about how many weeks and that baby is the size of a turnip etc. I always ask how people are doing and how the baby is but I'm not a making a fuss kind of person!
The insensitive comment about 'you seem pretty fertile'!
I would have given her the middle finger!
I took me a long time to conceive our daughter and the conversations she's having in the group are the conversations I only had with my husband and our parents!
Hope your ok OP xx

roxfox · 22/07/2020 13:04

@Zara84 she's an absolute horror. I think you should do that grey rock thing I'm always seeing on here. Distance yourself completely. All the best for 2021

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