Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Pregnant SIL

50 replies

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 11:51

Hi all,

Just want some clarity so I am here!

My SIL and I fell pregnant at the same time around December last year; my second pregnancy ( first was a mmc) and her second successful pregnancy( she had dc1)
I went on to have a miscarriage in March this year, her pregnancy has gone well touch Wood. However I feel like she hasn’t helped make my life easy at all and I just want some perspective on whether I am just being over sensitive or if I should just avoid her going forward.

So firstly we have a whatsapp group set up by her ; she changed the name to “baby no2 coming”

She came over and was discussing baby name options 2 weeks after my d&c

She initially sent me a text saying she is sorry for what happened and that I “seem quite fertile” so should be fine and has never asked since on how I am doing despite everyone knowing I was signed off work for 6 weeks with stress/recovery time etc.

She very often in this whatsapp group will say things like I am x weeks today, I am x this today and that.

She did an announcement for the gender reveal and commented after it that I seemed very quiet was I not excited for the baby to which I said of course I am and left it at that

She constantly complains of how hot and tired she is coz of her “bump” in my presence

The most recent is she randomly left the group as she felt she wasn’t getting enough attention from everyone around teh baby coming and then later said oh it was just the hormones

It has now come to the point where I feel extremely awkward around her and she also doesn’t miss a chance to shove my face in her growing bump ...

Am I being over sensitive or is it sensible to stay away?

I am also nervous about the actual due date of her baby as we literally had the same dates - but have decided I will of course visit and take something for the baby as I will still love it to bits!

Any advice ?

OP posts:

110APiccadilly · 22/07/2020 13:05

She seems very tone deaf and unable to remember that it's not all about her. As others have said, it should be up to you to decide how much you want to talk about her pregnancy in the circumstances.

I'm in a similar situation the other way round - if that makes sense - with a friend. No way would I bring up my pregnancy before she did.

Not sure what practical advice to give though - if you've already tried letting her know you're not happy with how she's acting and it hasn't made much difference, I guess all you can do is try to limit how much you see/talk to her.

Original poster

Zara84 · 22/07/2020 13:06

Thank you both...I know sounds ridiculous but just having the validation from other people on me not being a complete pansy so to speak has been so helpful...I feel a weight off my shoulder.

Thank you all so much for your responses ( u have no idea how helpful you all have been!

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 22/07/2020 13:10

She sounds as deep as a mud puddle! I'm so very sorry for your loss (and having to be related to that insensitive idiot.)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 13:15

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with her selfish self centred behaviour whilst also grieving.

Her flouncing that no one was paying her attention, sounds like people are picking up on her being thoughtless and pretty horrid in relation to you m, and probably dialling back their attention in an attempt to make it easier on you.

In your shoes I'd take a step back from her, she's being pretty vile tbh and the more you write the more I think it's deliberate

Metallicalover · 22/07/2020 14:02

That's should have said I haven't gone through what you have been through not I have x

BumblePan · 22/07/2020 15:38

OP, I've just seen your futher updates and her behaviour is awful. I initially thought that it wasnt intentional, but she is being really mean and selfish.
I bet she was a bridzilla too before her wedding. It sounds like she is living in a bubble. The hurt can eat you up and wont do you any good if you are trying to ttc. Try to insulate yourself from her and mute thoughts about her in your head. Focus on your own life, redirect your thoughts and energy to heal and let her off to live in her bubble.
I would recomend acupuncture as I found it a help to come to terms with the loss and ttc.
Stay around people that are warm and kind and please try to stay away from SIL as much as possible.
I bet other people in the group think that she is really mean, but are keeping the peace by saying nothing.

Original poster

Zara84 · 23/07/2020 10:57

@BumblePan thanks for your message

Yes others in the group have told me they think she’s out of order but are being diplomatic also which I understand...
agree will definitely stay away from her and try level best to concentrate on myself! Thank you x

OP posts:

Alexandernevermind · 23/07/2020 11:12

So sorry for your loss @Zara84 x
Your SIL is either extremely thick and insensitive or she being a face rubbing cow. Probably all of the above!
I have one similar, everyone in DH's family knows she is an attention seeking drama queen but seem happy to smile, roll their eyes and pander to her. I can't do this and it came to a head a few years ago, and I'm afraid we had quite an unpleasant altercation. I now cope with her by minimising contact - both face to face and social media, and by being polite and friendly but distant. Your putting the chat group on silent seems a good strategy, but I would take myself off it and tell her you find it too difficult. I also have my Facebook setting so I don't see her gloating face on my newsfeed.

Pogmella · 23/07/2020 11:19

Sigh. Just to reassure you that as hurtful as you find this everyone else will be finding this extremely dull!

Pogmella · 23/07/2020 11:20

Just to clarify: the constant updates will be dull not any tension or pain :)

icelollycraving · 23/07/2020 11:35

Just mute the group if she is adding you when you leave. She is utterly vile.

midlifecrash · 23/07/2020 11:38

"tested by god"??? She's bullying you

CrotchetyQuaver · 23/07/2020 11:51

god she sounds dreadful
keep leaving the group if she keeps re-adding you and make sure your DH knows what stunts she's pulling as and when they happen. I hope that one day you'll be able to laugh at the memory of her complete and utter awfulness

UnicornAndSparkles · 23/07/2020 11:52

Mute the notifications and look after yourself. SiL is being incredibly insensitive. I'm so sorry for your loss x

Pogmella · 23/07/2020 11:54

I wouldn’t confront her. Then you’ll be stressing out a pregnant woman 🙄 who while happy to initiate drama obvs cannot have any sort of response.

MyTearsAreOnFire · 23/07/2020 11:55

She sounds like a boring, high maintenance cowbag.

Sorry for your loss your in laws are probably embarrassed by her behaviour!!

serialreturner · 23/07/2020 11:56

She's an absolute dick.

Totally insensitive.

Utterly lacking in empathy.

Get yourself off that group ASAP.

Big hugs for you x

PasstheBucket89 · 23/07/2020 12:10

Am i right in assuming this is your husbands sister? if so he needs to take the reins and tell her how insensitive she is being, he needs to defend you as your understandably vulnerable right now, some of her comments are gobsmacking .

Original poster

Zara84 · 23/07/2020 13:11

Sorry no it’s my husbands elder brothers wife - Have the left the group :) no re adding or noise yet!

Thanks all :)

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2020 13:49

Jeez - she sounds deranged and fucking vile!
I'm just reading some the things she has said and done.
Just WOW...... I'm speechless.

So so sorry for your loss OP.

ursuslemonade · 23/07/2020 14:08

Op I'm sorry for your losses
Must be difficult but try to ignore her, with everything you've said she sounds like a pathetic attention seeking selfish cunt. Those things she has said about you stealing her moment and being tested by God are simply unforgivable.
Hope you'll get your happy ending.

Shizzlestix · 23/07/2020 14:26

Out ur not pregnant are you ?! And I said no I just don’t fancy a drink and she replied “phew otherwise u would have taken my moment” and that’s when I thought I’ve had enough now.

Wow, she’s an inconsiderate cow, isn’t she? I would leave the Whatsapp group, I can’t believe she re-added you, how bloody rude, invalidating the fact that you’d decided to leave. Rude!

Molly500 · 23/07/2020 15:08

I can see how the accidental comment might come out the wrong way when people are trying to skirt round something , but this sounds like a consistent attempt to rub your face in it. Not nice.

I've met her type before and the best thing is to be as nice as pie, dontlet her think she bothers you and keep at arms length. If you try and talk to her about it or her your DH to say something she will just revel in the drama and tell everyone how jealous you are. I would just keep her in her place and stay away.

Lovebug06 · 23/07/2020 15:17

She really isn't being nice at all. She may not be doing it on purpose but she is clearly severely lacking in sensitivity for your situation. She seems to be talking and going on about her pregnancy far more than most people do as it is. What does dh family make of it? If this was the other way round she sounds the type who wouldn't let you talk about it. I think you have been very patient and too understanding. Sorry for your loss op.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2020 15:28

if they are being “tested by god” constantly they should question why that is

She actually said that, as though your miscarriages were due to something you'd done?

Flip

1 2