DS Autism Diagnosis and MIL

[BGirlBouillabaisse]

I've put this thread in Chat for traffic because DH is speaking to MIL on the phone in a bit and I want to canvass opinion.

DS1 (7 years) received an autism diagnosis very recently. Type 1 with no learning disability so I guess would have been termed Asperger's before the diagnostic criteria changed. He is 'exceeding' in most subjects going into KS2, but I think probably has a few processing issues. He's delightful but struggles with emotions and social cues etc, and experiences great frustration when he's e.g unable to do a task. He will be able to access a fair bit of help as a result of the diagnosis, we hope.

MIL is 'difficult' (world revolves around her and her needs/expectations). Before we got the diagnosis, she told DH not to get DS diagnosed because he'd be 'labelled'. She won't take the news well because everything's a reflection of her. She lives quite far away and we have limited contact.

DH is stressing about how to tell her. I say she doesn't really need to know, but am torn because actually she needs to understand why DS1 doesn't always behave in expected ways.

Should we tell her or not? And if we should, how should we tell her so that she fully understands the importance of a diagnosis for DS and his future?

Thanks @Harrysfeet it would be really useful to see that video.

She's v fuddy-duddy and set in her ways so finding a good 'hook' will be important.

DS1 is a 'masker' and also has traits in common with much of her family

Excellent vid

I see no reason whatsoever to tell her. She lives far away, you barely see her, and she doesn't provide and childcare.

All you will accomplish is having to listen to her ignorant bullshit, and it's obvious to me that she will be the one to "label" your child.

Keep the diagnosis to yourself. She has no need to be informed.

*any childcare

Thanks @Aquamarine1029 that's my feeling, too, we don't owe her an explanation. I think it will cloud her (judgy) judgement.

I agree with Aquamarine. You need some privacy and independence to get to grips with how you want to do things, you don't need another issue to deal with at the same time. Tell her, but not now

Parent of child with ASD here 🙋🏼‍♀️

If you don't tell her and she finds out later (bound to eventually) that's just going to cause even more drama. Especially if your DS gets wind in the future/when it all comes out that you've 'kept it from grandma'. He may feel like you're ashamed or like it's a dark secret. Sorry if that sounds dramatic but I've seen this exact situation pan out before. It created a huge family rift that was never fully repaired

Doesn't mean you have to tell her straightaway of course

We didn't tell my DM due to fear of similar reaction. She would have made it all about her and was already trying to "prove" that any issues were all in our heads and/or that she could make him better. DH still hasn't told MIL because she said he wouldn't understand but would tell everyone and that wouldn't be fair on DS.

I should say we told DF after DM died and he just nodded and said 'righto' and has been totally normal about it since then.

Food for thought 🤔 I guess we could tell her when we've worked out the best way to do it, or tell her in an ignorant-person-appropriate manner. She's DH's cross to bear really, but I guess we need to put our heads together and work out how to do it.

Parent of two with ASD here and similar in laws. I'd leave it for a bit until you're a bit more used to it, you will find lots of opportunities to explain it to people and it will get easier. Then when you tell MIL you will have had more 'practice'

We have the same issue with PIL. DS sees them so infrequently that we have decided to only tell them if it becomes necessary. Otherwise we will either endure 'he seems perfectly normal' alternating with 'it's an excuse to ignore bad behaviour'.

I'm in a similar situation and I'm struggling as we see my DM on a regular basis. She knew a few years ago we were thinking of autism and went really crazy. The thing is she has experience in this area and must know on some level ds is autistic but because it's not 'obvious ' she would rather just see him as quirky.

Ds knows about his diagnosis as does his younger brother so I'm guessing it will come out at some point. Neither have ever been told not to say anything as I wouldn't want them to think of it as a negative thing. It does weigh on me but I still cant bring myself to bring it up!

My youngest (5) is developmentally delayed and has therapy session every week and we have appointments for the diagnosis. When I told my mum before that we were planning on getting him assessed she went completely bonkers, absolutely against any sort of therapy or diagnosis or assistance at school later. So I just stopped talking to her about him. They live 10 hours away, due to corona they haven't visited in over 9 months. If you feel you're not getting any support from your MIL, just don't tell her. You've got enough on your plate as it is.

Fuck how she responds to it. It's not about her.

Just tell her very matter of factly, and tell her how pleased you are that you'll have the correct tools and information to be able to support him and help him grow to his best potential.

If she kicks up tell her the oven is beeping and dinner is just coming out.

I think you do need to tell her or someone rlse, probably your son, will. It would be a tough moment if he sees her initial reaction.
Just be matter of fact - then leave a big gap between that and the next call.

Thank you everyone

I've just bought a very short read on ASD to share with DS, but it struck me that it might also explain things in a way that chimes with a person whose understanding is very limited. A quick phone call followed by an unexpected bit of post would at least put the ball in her court.

I'm still minded not to tell her at all because her dealings with DS are so limited.

Prepare yourself for the 'but he's such a good looking child, there's nothing wrong with him at all' and 'he's so x,y,z he just needs to grow up a little and 'they' (yes the OTs and Psychologists and resource teachers) don't know what they are talking about etc etc etc🙈

Prepare yourself for the 'but he's such a good looking child, there's nothing wrong with him at all' and 'he's so x,y,z he just needs to grow up a little and 'they' (yes the OTs and Psychologists and resource teachers) don't know what they are talking about etc etc etc🙈

@onynx well exactly - needless to say MIL is a Brexiter, thinks Covid is a 'war' etc etc

Bgirl, she will never know when you got diagnosis, there is no seemingly need to tell her at all for a long long time!

Everyone has such a lot going on right now.
I have totally insensitive Mil who stood staring at 5 year old dd after a slightly too short hair cut repeating in a not nice way '' how different you look, so different '' I'd not trust her with such info and my dd may have issues we don't know yet. Waiting.

So don't panic, don't say anything and see how things pan out as pp said, wait until your more comfortable with the situation...

Re your Mil supporting brexit however, I'm struggling massively to see any context?

Why does one thing lead to another?
I have a wide and diverse family, many of the most compassionate members voted remain and leave. Very intelligent, kind people.

Some of the bonkers ones also voted leave and remain and I'm thankful that most get on, enjoy debates.. But remain... Mostly... Open minded.

Also prepare yourself for MIL to eyeball you and say things like 'well, it didn't come from MY side of the family!' even if your DH has a whole series of 'quirky' uncles.