DS Autism Diagnosis and MIL

[BGirlBouillabaisse]

I've put this thread in Chat for traffic because DH is speaking to MIL on the phone in a bit and I want to canvass opinion.

DS1 (7 years) received an autism diagnosis very recently. Type 1 with no learning disability so I guess would have been termed Asperger's before the diagnostic criteria changed. He is 'exceeding' in most subjects going into KS2, but I think probably has a few processing issues. He's delightful but struggles with emotions and social cues etc, and experiences great frustration when he's e.g unable to do a task. He will be able to access a fair bit of help as a result of the diagnosis, we hope.

MIL is 'difficult' (world revolves around her and her needs/expectations). Before we got the diagnosis, she told DH not to get DS diagnosed because he'd be 'labelled'. She won't take the news well because everything's a reflection of her. She lives quite far away and we have limited contact.

DH is stressing about how to tell her. I say she doesn't really need to know, but am torn because actually she needs to understand why DS1 doesn't always behave in expected ways.

Should we tell her or not? And if we should, how should we tell her so that she fully understands the importance of a diagnosis for DS and his future?

@Zaphodsotherhead DH definitely has Asperger's, there's no argument, I keep telling him to get a diagnosis so that he can get reasonable accommodations in his working life.

@Ohsuchaperfectday the Brexit thing was an example of MIL not trusting anyone with expertise

@Zaphodsotherhead my mum actually said 'well it doesn't come from us, does it?' so I sent her a list of 'autism in females' traits and told her to have a good long period of self-reflection

Many people don't trust the covid experts in the UK and they vote remain, many leavers trust all sorts of experts? I'm not seeing the link.

You're under no obligation to tell her. I didn't tell my MIL about DS1's ADHD diagnosis because it wouldn't be helpful or useful. Just say nothing!

I wouldn't tell her until you see her and then only if your son is struggling with something.
Just a bright and breezy "did we tell you x got an autism diagnosis, he's doing brilliantly at school but just struggles with some social situations. He just needs a few minutes to sort himself out. Did you want a cup of tea?"