6 year old cries a lot

[jellybe]

My 6 old cries at the smallest thing. If things don't quit go as they expect it to they cry sometimes uncontrollably. It breaks my heart to see them upset like this over such little things I.e the shorts they wanted to wear not being clean.

I do lots of cuddles with them. Try to get them to talk through how they are feeling and I stay calm (don't expect them to be calm when upset) etc. But I just don't know how to help them manage their emotions/ expectations. I don't want to change who they are as they are a beautiful sensitive caring soul but I'm worried that at times they are over sensitive and there might be a bigger issue going on.

Help!

Is it a recent thing or have they always been like this?

Sorry to hear about your 6 year old being upset, i agree it can be quite distressing ☹

Are they at school? Perhaps something is going on with them outside of the home that's making them emotional?

It sounds like a sure fire way of getting some positive 1.2.1 attention.

Maybe you should just respond "you're fine, come on let's do X y z now"

I was an overly emotional child and cried at everything. It certainly wasn't for attention (my siblings would get cross every time I cried and make my life hell). I just couldn't help it. I was an otherwise happy child but if I got sad/ cross/ upset I cried. I think it stopped when I was about 10 or 11.

I think my family thought it was for attention but it really wasn't, u didn't demand cuddles and would often go off to cry so they didn't notice.

I am now a grown adult who is functioning in society. Weddings etc still make me shed a tear but I can't remember the last time I cried.

I have a sensitive 6 year old but crying uncontrollably sound very extreme op. We say 'never mind!' and quickly move on a lot, for instance crying because some shorts were in the wash I would certainly just say 'oh well, never mind, you can wear them another day' and wouldn't be talking them through their feelings etc. I know I must sound awful, but I would genuinely expect them to feel a bit disappointed and move on so as such I wouldn't be giving loads of attention over it tbh. Can you give some specific examples op? What do you do now when they cry so disproportionately over something?

@InDubiousBattle

I have a sensitive 6 year old but crying uncontrollably sound very extreme op. We say 'never mind!' and quickly move on a lot, for instance crying because some shorts were in the wash I would certainly just say 'oh well, never mind, you can wear them another day' and wouldn't be talking them through their feelings etc. I know I must sound awful, but I would genuinely expect them to feel a bit disappointed and move on so as such I wouldn't be giving loads of attention over it tbh. Can you give some specific examples op? What do you do now when they cry so disproportionately over something?

It really seems like if things aren't going as he thought they would in his head that he can't cope with the change. He's rather methodical with things when he plays etc. and likes to have a plan.

I've tried telling him never mind wear them another day but that doesn't help. I've tried ignoring it but he seems so genuinely upset that that just feels so harsh.

Sometimes I can joke him out of it but not always.

@JustFrigginNameChange

Sorry to hear about your 6 year old being upset, i agree it can be quite distressing ☹

Are they at school? Perhaps something is going on with them outside of the home that's making them emotional?

He's at school - though obviously thing s haven't been normal with the bubbles. It isn't a new thing so I don't think it is school - he always seems really happy to be going in the morning.

@SnuggyBuggy

Is it a recent thing or have they always been like this?

Always been like this. I thought he'd have grown out of it by now but he hasn't.

Please don't just tell them "never mind and get on, that's awful.

At 6 some kids have yet to grasp what the things they are feeling mean (more often in boys) and the frustration at trying to figure it out comes out in tears.

Let's not forget that lots has changed for kids this year and they don't understand it.

My 6 year old has always struggled with her emotions and is worse when she is worried or over tired. Telling her to effective man up is not the answer. Calmly talking to her about why it has upset her so much and looking at coping strategies is slowly helping.

Talk to the school in September if things are still bad. Ours operate a counselling service but also something they call flight club. It is additional support for kids who are struggling with emotional things and helps them look at how they can manage how they feel or or to speak out when things start to overwhelm them.

Stick with what you are doing @jellybe

I agree it needs to be about coping strategies. There is a balance to be found between being dismissive and being catastrophising I think

@jellybe have school had issues with him when things change? It can be a sign if asd but if there are no other issues it could just be that he needs time and kindness to learn to manage his feelings

Maybe by ‘breaking your heart’ over nonsensical trivia and tears you are reinforcing the behaviour?
Try a more ‘ Don’t be silly, you’ve other shorts aplenty’ and walk away. Ignore the tears unless they are appropriate. Like any other unwanted behaviour tears need ignoring sometimes and the child needs to learn resilience by being taught they can cope with everyday disappointment.

@Tinyhumansurvivalist thanks. Though it's tough it is nice in a weird way to hear that someone else has similar going on.

He does struggle to get his words out sometimes (this was looked at by a speech therapist and they said it's just he has so much going on in his head that it takes a minute for him to express it and isn't anything to worry about) that struggling to express his feelings/ put it into words would make sense and it being frustration.

[quote Tinyhumansurvivalist]@jellybe have school had issues with him when things change? It can be a sign if asd but if there are no other issues it could just be that he needs time and kindness to learn to manage his feelings[/quote]
Not that they have mentioned. In the past his teacher has mentioned him getting upset over things but not regularly. They haven't mentioned ASD but I have been wondering about that.

@CherryPavlova

Maybe by ‘breaking your heart’ over nonsensical trivia and tears you are reinforcing the behaviour? Try a more ‘ Don’t be silly, you’ve other shorts aplenty’ and walk away. Ignore the tears unless they are appropriate. Like any other unwanted behaviour tears need ignoring sometimes and the child needs to learn resilience by being taught they can cope with everyday disappointment.

I have tried this and it doesn't make any difference. He just continues to cry and takes himself off to his room to do it. When he calms down he says he knows he shouldn't be crying about it. But this doesn't seem to make any difference to him crying or not. I'm in that position where I'm trying to acknowledge his feelings but wanting to help him manage them better. I don't want him to become a boy who things that crying is a bad thing whilst at the same time I don't want him to cry over little things.

@jellybe in which case definitely don't follow the suck it up and move on advice being given. I can assure you it will make it so much worse.

It sounds very much like your little one is the young side of 6 and hasn't yet understood what all these feelings he is having and because he can't vocalise it he cries out of frustration.

Dd is similar, her brain goes so much faster than she can speak and she gets jumbled and then upset. They do grow out of it eventually, her brother (my dss) was the same. He is a lovely typical grumpy 17 year old now!

He needs the security that it is OK to be frustrated, hugs til he calms down and then a now what can we do to change this reaction approach is far more effective. Dd responds far better to having her confusion and frustration acknowledged than dismissed.

@SnuggyBuggy

I agree it needs to be about coping strategies. There is a balance to be found between being dismissive and being catastrophising I think

I don't think I'm catastrophising but maybe I am. I try to stay calm not showing that I'm upset by him being upset and a lot of the time just sit with him giving him a cuddle whilst he cries. Or trying to talk to him about how sometimes things don't go how we want etc.

@SnuggyBuggy

I agree it needs to be about coping strategies. There is a balance to be found between being dismissive and being catastrophising I think

I don't think I'm catastrophising but maybe I am. I try to stay calm not showing that I'm upset by him being upset and a lot of the time just sit with him giving him a cuddle whilst he cries. Or trying to talk to him about how sometimes things don't go how we want etc.

[quote Tinyhumansurvivalist]@jellybe in which case definitely don't follow the suck it up and move on advice being given. I can assure you it will make it so much worse.

It sounds very much like your little one is the young side of 6 and hasn't yet understood what all these feelings he is having and because he can't vocalise it he cries out of frustration.

Dd is similar, her brain goes so much faster than she can speak and she gets jumbled and then upset. They do grow out of it eventually, her brother (my dss) was the same. He is a lovely typical grumpy 17 year old now!

He needs the security that it is OK to be frustrated, hugs til he calms down and then a now what can we do to change this reaction approach is far more effective. Dd responds far better to having her confusion and frustration acknowledged than dismissed.[/quote]
Thank you. So glad to hear that he will probably grow out of it. Do you have anything specific you say to your DD afterwards, a particular way that you frame things for her that helps?

Some kids are more sensitive and feel their feelings more deeply. I was one of them. I’m still quite sensitive but have learnt over time to not react so strongly to the more minor stuff and to retain a sense of perspective.

I agree there needs to be a balance struck between not catastrophising but also being sympathetic and kind. If you tell him he’s being silly it won’t help and can be damaging long term. But equally I wouldn’t join him in making a huge deal out of something minor like the shorts. I would acknowledge the disappointment and commiserate but then move on fairly quickly, eg ‘oh, yes, you’re disappointed you can’t wear them today, that’s a shame that they’re in the wash. What can we do about it? Shall we choose something else nice to wear? How about this/that, etc.

If he persists, I think I’d say something like ‘yes, it’s a pain, isn’t it, you’d have preferred to wear them, I know, but let’s not make too much of a deal about it, as we don’t want to spoil the morning for you. We want to move on and enjoy ourselves’

Kind of modelling acknowledging feelings and then moving on, because we acknowledge that although he’s upset it’s not actually a huge deal in the scheme of things? It might be he needs help grading issues in his mind, so he doesn’t over react to the little things. You can help by talking things through with him.

@jellybe not really, each thing on a case by case thing really. We talk about why she had got upset, that its OK to be upset but could she maybe think of a different way she could have handled something... for example when your ds cries about his shorts, once calm I would maybe ask him if he has any other shorts that are similar that he could have worn instead, and then a discussion about next time why don't we look for some different ones before we get upset as it doesn't feel very nice to be that upset...then maybe show him how to use the washing machine! Dd loves helping with stuff like that and sorting through the washing (odd kid) . Feel free to pm if you want to chat away from here

My nephew was still doing this at 11. He simply couldn’t control it, poor lad. It would be the simplest things too, like Man Utd losing or not getting the last tomato from the garden that was ripe for picking. His dad told him to ‘man up’, it broke my heart. I’m making him sound a bit spoilt with the tomato comment but he wasn’t, he was the sweetest p, loving child. He used to cry at adverts too.

I think you should do exactly what Tolleshunt recommends. Acknowledge the feelings, and then move on to problem solving / setting limits in a kind way.

DS (also 6) is highly emotional. He gets really frustrated at things that aren't quite right, when his friends don't do or say the 'right' thing and if he bumps himself, he'll go straight into meltdown.

It's really hard to know what the best approach is. He needs to learn that bursting into tears multiple times during the day isn't a positive thing, but I also want him to know it's OK to talk about how he's feeling. Striking the balance between being supportive and building his resilience is hard.

DS is a clever wee thing and talks and rationalises endlessly. What has worked for us is trying to figure out issues into 'big' and 'small' problems. We sat down and discussed what constituted a big problem, and what was a small (concrete examples made it easy for him to understand)., When something goes wrong, I ask him if it's a big thing or a small thing. It stops him in his tracks and forces him to think about why he's crying or losing his shit. Nine times out of ten, he'll acknowledge its a small problem and stop crying (as we've discussed that small problems don't need tears-he can figure them out on his own or the bump didn't really hurt etc).

It doesn't work all the time, but he is getting loads better. It helps that his comprehension is great and he gets the reasoning behind it all.

@Y0ubetterwerk I like the "big things" and "small things" idea. I was a crier over a lot of things which might have been on my "small things" list.