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Original poster

Advice im confused

41 replies

Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 13:03

Hello
I have been chatting to a guy I've known for years, only recently started talking before lockdown.
We became flirty he would come over for a cuppa and chat etc. We had a night out in earlier this year. Then lock down came and we didn't really see each other apart from a distance in the garden.
I would phone him once a week for a chat etc and we kept in touch.
Thing is he wanted sex and said we should just do it! I said I cant do casual as I might want more and get attached, and that we should give things a go propley which he agreed to.
Anyway I went along with it, slept with him as I really fancy him, and so attracted to him.
He then said he doesnt know what he wants Confused. I seem to do all the chasing and despite me saying I cant do casual I still slept with him lots of times. I spend most weekends at his and vice versa. He let's me hug him, we chat etc. He said I can see him when I want, and he never says no to me, yet doesn't want a relationshipConfused..he will never try it on and its me that intigates the intimacy.
How long is this expected to last as he knows I have feelings for him. Why hasn't he told me to go away xx.

OP posts:
titchy · 14/07/2020 13:05

Cos he sees you as a fuck-buddy. If you're happy with that carry on. If not dump him. And get an STI check - you won't be the only one he's having sex with right now.

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 13:08

We always use protection and very careful. Surely most blokes would run a mile if thought a woman wants more.
Sometimes we don't have sex and just chat instead over a cuppa.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/07/2020 13:11

He isn't responsible for your emotional wellbeing. If you come over and offer/suggest/instigate sex he has no obligation to say "look Lamb, you'll just end up getting hurt if you keep coming over for sex when you want a relationship and I want sex".

He's been honest, he's told you what's on offer. Sex. Conversation. Not a relationship and I'd assume not monogamy.

YOU are responsible for your emotional wellbeing. You tell yourself to stay away.

Bluesheep8 · 14/07/2020 13:12

But you shouldn't have been seeing him prior to 4th July, surely? Lockdown?

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 13:12

Surely one day he will want to meet a lovely lady. But what's wrong with me. We waited 4 months to have sex and didn't rush. So I'm confused 😕

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/07/2020 13:12

@Littlelamb40

We always use protection and very careful. Surely most blokes would run a mile if thought a woman wants more. Sometimes we don't have sex and just chat instead over a cuppa.
Why? He isn't going to give you a relationship, you will g live him sex and company.
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 13:16

Only the last few weeks! Before that I was in lockdown.

OP posts:
MsEllany · 14/07/2020 13:18

I’m sorry it hurts you but he doesn’t want a relationship with you. You can’t make him change his mind. You can’t force something that isn’t going to happen.

Stop torturing yourself by sleeping with him. Every time you’re thinking that maybe this will be the time - and every time, it isn’t.

custardbear · 14/07/2020 13:21

Sorry but I think you've fallen into the trap of having sex because you think he'll want you more, whilst he's thinking I know she fancies me so I'll try my luck
He won, you lost
Don't be fooled again if it's emotional to you ... many of us are also fooled - myself once only, and I never let a man take advantage after that
Move on, you never know, aloofness May bring him running !

Bluesheep8 · 14/07/2020 13:23

I spend most weekends at his and vice versa.

Which suggests during lockdown when you were still supposed to be socially distancing, surely.

CuppaZa · 14/07/2020 13:24

He’s made us abundantly clear. Listen to him. You can’t force him to want to be in a relationship with you. He doesn’t want that. You are sex and a bit of company during lockdown. I suggest exploring ways of building your self esteem

CuppaZa · 14/07/2020 13:24

*it, not us

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 13:27

He so laid back, seems to hold his cards close to his chest. He admitted he won't tell me how he feels.
Last week he said he's not bothered by sex and can't be bothered to date. Yet he's still happy for me to go round. Sometimes he comes across as shy. Also a small part of my is scared of a relationship too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 13:30

bluesheep8 in the garden at a distance in april/may lockdown. All day I could spend in the garden. Popping home to my house to use my toilet

OP posts:
IwishIhadaMargarita · 14/07/2020 13:44

If a man says he doesn’t want a relationship it means he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Sorry but it’s true.

My friend met a man and he had a fuck buddy in the side, the relationship On the side was as you describe it with your guy. Now my friend is daft and she gave him An ultimatum. If he wanted to date her he had to end the other ‘friendship’ and honour with her properly and only her. They’ve been married for 15 years and are totally lived up.

IwishIhadaMargarita · 14/07/2020 13:44

*go out, not honour

IwishIhadaMargarita · 14/07/2020 13:44

*also my friend isn’t daft

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 13:51

@Iwishihadamargarita do you think at some point he will have to end it with me ? When he meets someone. He said he's no quite ready yet to meet someone and needs more time to him myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 14:01

He also said he won't disown me or use me and not walk away after sex. So what does he want 🤔 .

OP posts:
gotothecooler · 14/07/2020 14:17

He won't disown you? WTF? If that's not enough to realise he simply sees you as something to use when it suits him I don't know what is.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2020 14:20

Op he’s told you what he wants, he just wishes a fwb. He couldn’t have been clearer. The man has laid his cards on the table and told you he doesn’t wish a romantic relationship with you. You going there and offering him sex doesn’t change that because he says yes.

I’m sorry, but it doesn’t.

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 14:23

Hmm some good advice. He knows I've had some bad experiences in the past where guys have used me and then ghosted me. He says he wouldn't do that and not like most men! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 14:29

I dont want to be in the same situation in a years time! But I'm so attracted to him. At some point he will have too end it as he will meet someone else surely?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/07/2020 14:29

But he’s not using you. He’s told you clearly what this is. It’s then your choice whether to have sex with him or not. He’s not leading you on in any way shape nor form. Using you is not accepting your offer of sex.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2020 14:30

At some point he will have too end it as he will meet someone else surely

End what op? The friendship, no of course not. Him saying yes to your offers of sex, yes.